Good age to get married and have kids

If I had kids today and they asked me for advice, I would ask them to reconsider. The nuclear family isn't what it once was while most of us were growing up. So much has changed and not all of it has been for the good. There are no more Nelson's or Cleaver's around anymore.

I was at a party just last night and left about midnight. A man I have known since boot camp came up to me and said he had just spoken with a woman that was on her 5th marriage and was asking him if he wanted to fool around. I had to ask him, what did he tell her. He said I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes, they have an open marriage. What's that tell you about people's mentality today? I have made it this far without a wife and kids, I guess I'll just keep on the same old route. There doesn't seem to be a lot of loyalty anymore and not just in marriage.
 

Been There said:
If I had kids today and they asked me for advice, I would ask them to reconsider. The nuclear family isn't what it once was while most of us were growing up. So much has changed and not all of it has been for the good. There are no more Nelson's or Cleaver's around anymore.

I was at a party just last night and left about midnight. A man I have known since boot camp came up to me and said he had just spoken with a woman that was on her 5th marriage and was asking him if he wanted to fool around. I had to ask him, what did he tell her. He said I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes, they have an open marriage. What's that tell you about people's mentality today? I have made it this far without a wife and kids, I guess I'll just keep on the same old route. There doesn't seem to be a lot of loyalty anymore and not just in marriage.
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Oh not necessarily.
The only so-called open marriage I've ever known of involved a couple around 10 years older than I. To each his/her own, but I thought it was gross- it's not "marriage."
In contrast- and surely not unique or even unusual- I have a Mom/Dad/Kids family in my close family (the parents are young-middle-age), as well as numerous cousins and friends who had the same nuclear-family-unit and are now 'empty-nesters.'
 
I think another reason for the high break-up rates is because of the longtime trend of seeing people at older and older ages as 'kids.' And it's not new. There's a book that was published in 1978 in which the authors (a high school teacher and a social worker, married to each other) came up with the term "NQA" to mean 'not quite adolescent, not quite adult,' and stated the term applies to individuals age 18-25! Individuals up to 25 years old 'not quite adults'?!?
 

I married at 18, which seems very young, but it was right for me. I had a baby a year later and being a housewife and mother suited me. My problem was that I married a man who wasn't the right choice.
There is no right age to marry, it depends on the person.
 
Been There said:
I was at a party just last night and left about midnight. A man I have known since boot camp came up to me and said he had just spoken with a woman that was on her 5th marriage and was asking him if he wanted to fool around. I had to ask him, what did he tell her. He said I asked her if her husband knew about this and she said yes, they have an open marriage. What's that tell you about people's mentality today? I have made it this far without a wife and kids, I guess I'll just keep on the same old route.
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My thinking is that to each his own. There are lots of different versions of marriage and relationships in the world that seem to work. I've known a few polygamists and polyamorous folks who seemed ok. It it's safe and works why not let people do it?

How did it work out for your friend?
JaniceM said:
I thought it was gross- it's not "marriage."
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Not many years ago a lot of people would have said the same about gay marriages. Thing have changed a lot, for the better I think. The only thing I object to is seeing people force their moral ideas onto others.
 
I am 61 years old, soon to be 62. I have never been married, but have had 3 relationships, one fairly long term. When the long term relationship failed, it broke me into bits. I have never told anyone that until now. I never knew how to handle it. I definitely would have married her and asked her twice, only to be turned down because I was making a career in the military and she didn’t want to get moved around. In my 30 years with the Marines, I was moved 5 times, 6 if you count the first time from advanced flight training. It was a lateral transfer, but was still a move. That breakup probably ruined me from ever getting too involved again.

This woman was married 3 times. Two were cheaters and one was a drunk. She has two of the loveliest daughters I ever met. She died a few weeks ago. She was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma almost out of high school. As treatment, the doctors gave her high doses of radiation and some Chemo drugs. The medications ruined her heart valves and a few years ago, the Cardiologist replaced them. I don’t know what happened, but she became very ill for about a week and then passed. I never left her room.

I feel if I would have been more forceful with her marrying me, she would still be alive. I live with guilt and pain every day now.
Alligatorob said:
My thinking is that to each his own. There are lots of different versions of marriage and relationships in the world that seem to work. I've known a few polygamists and polyamorous folks who seemed ok. It it's safe and works why not let people do it?

How did it work out for your friend?

Not many years ago a lot of people would have said the same about gay marriages. Thing have changed a lot, for the better I think. The only thing I object to is seeing people force their moral ideas onto others.
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My friend was married only once. Like me, he spent a lot of time in the military and as such was moved around a lot. After their first move, she decided she didn’t want to do that every 5 or so years, so she divorced him.

Doesn’t Will Smith and his wife have an open marriage?
 
Alligatorob said:
My thinking is that to each his own. There are lots of different versions of marriage and relationships in the world that seem to work. I've known a few polygamists and polyamorous folks who seemed ok. It it's safe and works why not let people do it?

How did it work out for your friend?

Not many years ago a lot of people would have said the same about gay marriages. Thing have changed a lot, for the better I think. The only thing I object to is seeing people force their moral ideas onto others.
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Probably many members will want to throw rotten tomatoes at me for saying this, but this is one example of people being badgered with 'we must never say anything is wrong..' Personally, I don't care how many people live together, or what goes on when they do (as long as they're not little kids), but 'marriage' is a couple deciding to spend their lives together so why try to call it something else?

The couple I knew was legally married to each other, their agreement was they could both have sex with other people but only if the spouse 'approved' the other person..

I also encountered a young woman (late twenties, years ago) on a forum who said her household consisted of herself, her husband (legally married), their small child, and her 'life partner' (male). One member remarked 'the more love, the better!'

Again, I don't care what people do, but don't call it 'marriage' or 'love,' and don't bring little kids into it so they can grow up confused. And it has nothing to do with 'moral ideas.'
 
JaniceM said:
one of them remarking something like 'we want our kids to make their own choices' when their 13-year-old daughter posed in bed with an adult man?
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That's illegal and I would hope the man was prosecuted for it. And perhaps a parent who would say such a thing...
JaniceM said:
Probably many members will want to throw rotten tomatoes at me for saying this
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No rotten tomatoes to throw from here. Our garden is however producing more than we can eat right now, you are welcome to some ripe ones.
 
My oldest daughter married at age 18 and now at age 23 has two children. She is doing fine as she married a wonderful man who is "another" son to me. Her and her husband are both serious in their faith and committed to each other for life.

My youngest son also got married at only age 22 but for him marriage was about the only way for him to look out for himself better on such things as not running his car without oil, getting health care, etc. He and his wife, both committed in faith, also had a baby right away, even though they are not in the most secure financial situation. But they are learning and will be OK.

For one of my other kids, although older, he is not ready for marriage as even though he has a great job and a lot of money saved, I don't think he is ready for the needed give and take.
 
PreciousDove said:
Well I was once married. I was 28 and had no children. My marriage lasted 12 yrs. and I was very happy that I had no children because I would have ended up being a single Mom. If I did have children I would have told my child when it comes to my topic.. Never but never do something because your friends are getting married. Marriage and children will be the biggest commitment that you will have to commit to.

If you have any reservations at all then you're not ready. make sure that any aspect in marriage you are thinking about to the fullest. Will you be financially stable, do you have a roof over your head that you could afford, did you talk about who would be working and raising children if there are any in the future. Every aspect needs to be committed to the fullest. You don't want to end up being a statistic.

What's the perfect age..? When you are committed to the fullest on all aspects of this marriage.
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NEVER!
 
I believe your 20's are for you and your late 20's to early 30's you start to consider children (if you so choose).

I think when you hit 30, the beauty is you finally become who you truly are so I think this is a good age to start a family.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
We think we just decide to get married and have kids. in our late teens & 20s. But it is programmed into us, via our DNA, by way of hormones. We've evolved to be social critters, having a mate comes naturally to us.
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I agree that (generally speaking) wanting to find a life partner is instinctive..."in our DNA"...but I disagree that marriage is. Marriage is "programmed into us" via social conditioning. Weddings are advertised to appeal to women, and "civil" society shamed women who got pregnant out of wedlock for centuries, and assumed that men who were still single after age 35 had something wrong with them.

Personally, I wish marriage had never been invented. I'm all for throwing a big ol' party when you find your Mr. or Ms. Right, and I'm in favor of working together to make it last, especially after you have a child, I just think the license and the wedding and honeymoon and all that was invented for profit.

Anyway, the perfect age: she should be 24, he should be 34. I think that'd be perfect.
 
There is no special age. I was 17 graduated from high school, and he was 19 and in the Navy. Got pregnant 2 weeks later, and stayed that way for 4 years! Last June 10th we celebrated our 65th anniversary. I wouldn't recommend that for any other 17 and 19 year olds, but we both kind of had to grow up early.
 
Murrmurr said:
I agree that (generally speaking) wanting to find a life partner is instinctive..."in our DNA"...but I disagree that marriage is. Marriage is "programmed into us" via social conditioning. Weddings are advertised to appeal to women, and "civil" society shamed women who got pregnant out of wedlock for centuries, and assumed that men who were still single after age 35 had something wrong with them.

Personally, I wish marriage had never been invented.
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Yeah, Murrmurr, I was imprecise. "Marriage" sounds a lot better than co-habitation. Personally, I notice my buddies starting to want the " house with the picket fence, a spouse and kids".
 
Murrmurr said:
I agree that (generally speaking) wanting to find a life partner is instinctive..."in our DNA"...but I disagree that marriage is. Marriage is "programmed into us" via social conditioning. Weddings are advertised to appeal to women, and "civil" society shamed women who got pregnant out of wedlock for centuries, and assumed that men who were still single after age 35 had something wrong with them.

Personally, I wish marriage had never been invented. I'm all for throwing a big ol' party when you find your Mr. or Ms. Right, and I'm in favor of working together to make it last, especially after you have a child, I just think the license and the wedding and honeymoon and all that was invented for profit.

Anyway, the perfect age: she should be 24, he should be 34. I think that'd be perfect.
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And why do you believe this age difference would be appropriate?
 
JaniceM said:
And why do you believe this age difference would be appropriate?
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Because men mature slower than women. Also, men don't usually settle on a permanent career or job field until they're around 32 or so, plus by then they're usually established enough to be approved for home and auto loans, and responsible enough to manage them.
 

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