What are the best things to say to someone in mourning, the worst?

When Mom died I heard a lot of silence, a lot. I finally realized that people are busy with their own lives and also updating Facebook. You know, letting the world know that their fries were cold at McDonald’s last night or asking where they can donate a coat to the homeless? (How about to a homeless person) A few eased the pain however, they’ll never be forgotten.
 

Don't think there's one best and one worst thing one can say. It is situational. Several factors to could make a difference. Tho "I am sorry for our loss." Is fairly safe.
But consider:
Who are you speaking to, the specific mourner? How well you know them and how well or if you knew the deceased. Their relationship to the deceased as well as what terms they were on with the deceased. ( i've observed the loss of one's child, no matter their age when they pass, or what terms parent and child were on, seems to be the hardest to deal with, and i know that it would be for me.)

Do you know enough about their spirituality to offer words of comfort in line with it? And if they are atheist or even just agnostic please refrain from pushing one's beliefs on them. Some people, like me, are able to consider kind intent even if the words are like salt in a wound. But for others you might increase their suffering. Sometimes the best thing is to express your condolences for their pain/loss simply and maybe ask if there is any practical way you can help.

Sometimes what people need is someone who will listen more than talk, just sit with them. Keep in mind that for some the mourning, grief, begins before the loved one's death. With both my Dad and my dearest friend my mourning began when i was advised of their diagnosis. And we all grieve in our own way and time and we have to respect each others' processes even if we're greiving too.
 
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Beezer said:
My friend's old dog passed away and when he told me I said, "I'm sorry. That must be rough."

But then I thought about the word 'rough' and it sounded like I said "That must be 'ruff'...like a dog's bark. Then I got a case of the giggles and it all went South. I immediately explained to my buddy why I was laughing and he laughed too and was okay with it. Phew!
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At my mother's memorial service two young co-workers of hers were sharing classic anecdotes about Mom's physical strength and sense of humor. They got the giggles, then noticing me they apologized. I told them there was no need-- that she'd be tickled they would remember her that way.
 
The bad part of " I'm sorry for your loss" is when I read it on FB or hear it from someone, then watch them walk away, I think they are saying to themselves, " There, done and dusted."

There has to be some kind of sympathy or feeling shared. A least a hug or touch on the arm for comfort.
 
win231 said:
I think there are worse things than saying nothing at all.
Like "He's in a better place."
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I would've ignored that. The person went out of his/her way to show caring in their own manner. No, the worst ones averted their eyes, avoided in other ways, and I do mean neighbors who knew us. "I don't know what to do! I don't know what to say!" I, I, I, it becomes about them. The idea people must be comfortable is hardly new.
 
Two things that bother this person about some at funerals that occur soon after death is when such is a coming together of mourning family and friends that don't often see each other, where there are those that relate everyone ought "party" because they think that is what the deceased would want. Or those with a habit of being funny around others, habitually telling jokes, not having the situational sense to STFU.

On the other hand when one of our friends passed after decades of substance abuse, beyond the funeral, a month or two later many of us got together at a state park Pacific ocean beach and did celebrate with a barbecue, music, and many tales, as a surfer tossed his ashes out at a rocky point.
 
I don't think anything is wrong to say as long as it's sincere and honest.

I had to handle the pain alone, with no one around, except real estate people
asking when I was leaving and where was I moving?
"What?" "What makes you think I'm moving?"
Offers to help were mouthed, not meant.
I hate to say this but people were greedy and cruel.
and stealing things from the yard, price gouging me.
But, It didn't matter in the scope of what had happened.
You put things in perspective really fast.
 
Della said:
When I was about twelve my grandfather had a bad stroke and my mother went to the hospital for a few days. When she finally came home we all went to the door to greet her and I voiced the worry that was foremost in my mind, "Did grandpa die?" My father turned around and punched me so hard I'm surprised I didn't lose any teeth.

Since then I've been terrified of funerals and viewings, but I make myself go and manage to say, "I'm so sorry," but it's hard.

People always say to avoid the cliches but when my father died the nurse said, "He's in a better place," and it actually helped me in that moment. He had left his body to science and they whisked him off in a hurry to take to wherever they take them and I liked to be reminded that he wasn't in that body any more.
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Like you, I like it when people say "He/she's in a better place." It fits into this image of knowing they are resting and no longer in pain. My dad died of prostate cancer and in his last months of his illness, he was in a lot of pain. Need I say more?
 
I say diff things depending on how well I know the person.
"He was such a great guy...he will be missed"
"So sorry for your loss"
"I know how much you're hurting, I'm here if you need to talk"

One of my dear gfriends just lost her husband a couple of months ago, so when we speak on the phone I always ask her questions about him so she can talk about him.

Cards are written with memories of their loved ones that I remember about them; the clothes they wore, their voices as they were yelling their children's names, little tidbits to remind them.
 
When my sister died I felt like people simply saying they were sorry was a really nice thing. But I didn't like people to feel uncomfortable (ok it was a little funny to see the big managers come at the same time to tell me they were sorry, because you could just tell they were supporting each other through the awkwardness, ha).

The worst thing said to me was from some friend of hers (I assume it was a friend, there were a lot of people gathered at my brother-in-law's so might have been a friend of his) who made a rather insulting comment about my levity and it being hard to believe I was her sister the way I was acting like that.

I was too young when my uncle died to have an opinion, but my father was still annoyed years later remembering and complaining about the comments after his brother died. As near as I could tell, the comments were along the line of 'don't take it so hard, he's in a better place' and my dad didn't feel they cared about his feelings at all and/or he was having the wrong feelings in their opinion.
 
I usually start by saying "I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how you must feel right now" because, honestly, I can't. Then I typically say "You are in my thoughts" and "Please know that I'm here for you if you need me".

One of my close friends in her early 50's recently lost her partner of 10 years due to a medical condition that ended his life in a matter of a few months. My Hubby and I called her and listened to her reminisce about their time together and discuss the plans they made when he was diagnosed. We also made sure we allowed her to have a good cry as she spoke. We said very little. It was her time to grieve and just know that we cared.
 
How 'bout these old ones? "I came as soon as I heard."
Well.....yeah, I can see that you're here......
 
HoneyNut said:
When my sister died I felt like people simply saying they were sorry was a really nice thing. But I didn't like people to feel uncomfortable (ok it was a little funny to see the big managers come at the same time to tell me they were sorry, because you could just tell they were supporting each other through the awkwardness, ha).

The worst thing said to me was from some friend of hers (I assume it was a friend, there were a lot of people gathered at my brother-in-law's so might have been a friend of his) who made a rather insulting comment about my levity and it being hard to believe I was her sister the way I was acting like that.

I was too young when my uncle died to have an opinion, but my father was still annoyed years later remembering and complaining about the comments after his brother died. As near as I could tell, the comments were along the line of 'don't take it so hard, he's in a better place' and my dad didn't feel they cared about his feelings at all and/or he was having the wrong feelings in their opinion.
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The bolded part is why i wish our culture would talk about death and grieving and emotions in general. So people might understand that while we all have the same basic emotions, we will express them in highly individual ways and that's ok. For some levity may help them cope with their grief, at least in public.

Also so more people would understand that they likely experienced the deceased very differently than the the mourner they are addressing. That 'nice old' man or lady they knew as neighbor or member of same church, or senior center might have been a negligent or abusive parent or sibling. They might understand the mourning family might have much more complex feelings about the deceased than they do.
 
dseag2 said:
I usually start by saying "I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how you must feel right now" because, honestly, I can't. Then I typically say "You are in my thoughts" and "Please know that I'm here for you if you need me".

One of my close friends in her early 50's recently lost her partner of 10 years due to a medical condition that ended his life in a matter of a few months. My Hubby and I called her and listened to her reminisce about their time together and discuss the plans they made when he was diagnosed. We also made sure we allowed her to have a good cry as she spoke. We said very little. It was her time to grieve and just know that we cared.
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Yes, sometimes mourners need someone who will be there emotionally. Let them share memories and cry.
 
feywon said:
At my mother's memorial service two young co-workers of hers were sharing classic anecdotes about Mom's physical strength and sense of humor. They got the giggles, then noticing me they apologized. I told them there was no need-- that she'd be tickled they would remember her that way.
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I sure hope whoever does a gig for me, it'll be at an eatery, or just at our place, and whip out the old albums, and really yuck it up.

We did that for Dad.....after sitting thru his morose funeral

Good times

Good memories
 
I usually say "I'm so sorry", and say "if you need anything, I'm here". A big hug says a lot too.

I'd prefer my family to throw a party to celebrate my life .. no crying, please. Play my favourite songs, eat,
dance, laugh and have fun remembering some of the goofy stuff I've said and done.
 
At my father in laws funeral,, I stood up & addressed his children with a message I thought would help them.
I never heard him say ," I love you " to his kids.

" Your father would often tell me how proud he was of all of you ."
To his wife I said, "You were the peach of his eye. That you were the best one of your family."
 

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