I need advice/help with question about son

Blessed said:
He is my only child, our relationship is strong. We went out all the time without his Dad (who has now passed). The motivation is for him to be able to speak freely about his life, how things are going. Since he has been married he has not asked me out alone, he has invited me out but the grandson was always included. You can speak about adult problems or concerns in front of a child.
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If this is about you and him, then go for it, but if it's about you and him talking about his relationship with his wife, then that's another story. When I was a newlywed, my MIL had a hard time letting go of her son. She wanted us to go everywhere they went. She even wanted us to go to a Thanksgiving dinner at someone's house. Growing up, I always had my holidays at home, and felt strongly against going out. Needless to say, he went out with his parents on Thanksgiving and I stayed home. Our relationship survived, but grew stronger when we moved away.
 

Just ask DIL if she could recommend a place your son would like to eat because you're going to ask him out to dinner- just the two of you. I wouldn't ask her permission!

If you suspect he might need to complain about his marriage to you, think again.
1- You're better off not knowing.
2- He may not want to cause you any worry.

Just do it.
 
I have a DIL who is bipolar. She feels a need to be the center of attention and the only one who can handle things.
As a result, she has caused a rift between my son and myself.
He's had four heart attacks, and I'm the one he calls every time to get him to the hospital. She knows this ( 3 times before they were married). If I try and make it easier for my son to recuperate by taking care of her children, cooking dinner, shopping for groceries so my son can rest while she is working, she resents it.
So.....I don't make my son feel he has to take sides. I simply stay away, and don't give her an excuse to be mean or ignore me.
So far, they are still together. So far, I know he loves me but there is no way around it.

If you can have some alone time with your son, @Blessed I say try it and see. I wish I had been more forceful.
 

Lara said:
It's a great idea! My son is 37, his dad died when he was age 2. Has 3 sisters. He traveled from Alaska to spend Christmas with us and will probably stay for awhile. I've been cooking for him and he's all about it.

We actually spend a lot of time together without the girls since they're so busy right now. Walks on the beach, TV viewing of Christmas movies and "Alone" which is a streaming survival series of episodes that takes place on an island Alaska located near where he was. In fact, he says he doesn't want to watch it when I'm not with him because he enjoys the ritual of morning coffee and breakfast while we watch it.

Breakfast is always the same lol...he just likes it alot. . BLT using "Black Label Maple Bacon", fresh ripe Heirloom tomatoes, Mayo, and Kale warmed in the pan. Coffee of course.
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Very sweet.

What? @Lara, you don't massage your kale???
tsk, tsk. 🤣
 
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Is it wrong? Absolutely not. I think it's very normal. Without knowing the dynamic of your family, I don't know how the DIL would react. Believe me, I came from a very unnormal upbringing so I know things can get really twisted when there is nothing to twist. If that makes any sense.
 
Nathan said:
O.K., so that's the issue. Well, maybe just let your son know that you'd like a one-on-one, perhaps he's aware of his wife's feelings towards you, and can find a way...
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Thanks, Nathan. It is a strange situation to be in. She seems to not want to see me. I look after after the grandson a lot when they have things, concerts, parties, etc....but she does not come when the grandson is picked up or she waits in the car WTF, I want to tell her what he ate, if he slept well, if he was cranky etc...

I just feel cut off, I am taking care of your son, your baby, you should be interested in how he did, that he may not be feeling well etc.....
 
Bellbird said:
I can't see why there should be a problem. Your DIL enjoys time alone with her Mum and Sister so what is the difference. I wonder how your son feels about his wife leaving him out of those visits.
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Well I would not know how he feels about it. I can't have a normal one on one relationship to talk about things of that nature. I want to make sure he is happy!!
 
Blessed said:
Thanks, Nathan. It is a strange situation to be in. She seems to not want to see me. I look after after the grandson a lot when they have things, concerts, parties, etc....but she does not come when the grandson is picked up or she waits in the car WTF, I want to tell her what he ate, if he slept well, if he was cranky etc...

I just feel cut off, I am taking care of your son, your baby, you should be interested in how he did, that he may not be feeling well etc.....
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Hey! You want to see HIM, not her, and dontcha dare complain to him about that stuff. She's figuring he gets the answers to the questions you think she should be asking.
 
Remy said:
Is it wrong? Absolutely not. I think it's very normal. Without knowing the dynamic of your family, I don't know how the DIL would react. Believe me, I came from a very unnormal upbringing so I know things can get really twisted when there is nothing to twist. If that makes any sense.
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That is why I step back, I do not know her family dynamics. This maybe how she was raised. I do not want to create a problem but I do want time with my son without outside influences. I want him to be able to speak freely about anything.
 
Blessed said:
No, that will not work, I do not have a problem with her but I think she has a problem with me. She knows I am right here, if something happens in their marriage, my son has choices.
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I can't tell you how absurd your conclusion is. If he's a grown man and splits with his wife, why would he want to live with his mother?

Blessed, you're in your own way. The less we think, sometimes, the better
 
Pepper said:
Hey! You want to see HIM, not her, and dontcha dare complain to him about that stuff. She's figuring he gets the answers to the questions you think she should be asking.
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God forbid!! I would never say anything to him, never complain. I just want to know how he is feeling, how things are going. I just want to make sure he is happy, no work worries, no financial worries, the big things.
 
Pepper said:
I can't tell you how absurd your conclusion is. If he's a grown man and splits with his wife, why would he want to live with his mother?

Blessed, you're in your own way. The less we think, sometimes, the better
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I did not say he would come live with me but I could be a back up for somethings for a little while. I am not in my own way, I would just like to be able to have an open, honest conversation with my kid. What is wrong with that?
 
Blessed said:
I did not say he would come live with me but I could be a back up for somethings for a little while. I am not in my own way, I would just like to be able to have an open, honest conversation with my kid. What is wrong with that?
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Nothing wrong. You're a wonderful lady. Just trying to understand. Sorry, I get a bit on a roll! :ROFLMAO:
 
I would tread lightly with this, Blessed. She shouldn't mind one bit, but if she's already prickly toward you she might take offence. Sure, you should have time alone with your son, but I can see her saying the time with her mother and sister is "girl time" and this is different. None of it would be fair to you but I would hate to see you be an excuse for a fight between them.

Call me sneaky but that's what I would be. Wait until you know she's out with her MIL and call your son, ask him to pop over and keep you company, or to go to a favorite restaurant with you. If he's watching the grandson have something ready for him to play with so the two of you can just talk.
 
Blessed said:
I can't have a normal one on one relationship to talk about things of that nature. I want to make sure he is happy!!
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I think talking about "things of that nature"
is something your son does NOT want to do with you. That's not abnormal. It's his marriage and some things men consider as private. Not something he wants to run to Mommy about. A man should become protective of his mother, IMO.

"I want to make sure he is happy!!"
So, what if you find out he isn't?
What can you do about it? You can't make him happy. You will just grieve if he isn't and you grieving would make things worse for him.

Yes it's hurtful that she doesn't want a report from you about the child after you've baby-sat. I'm sure you've given the info to his dad.

There's that old saying:
"your son is your son till he takes a wife
your daughter's your daughter the rest of your life."
 
yes, I know that old saying, but it was not true for my husband. He always made sure his parents were taken care of until his death. Things that needed to be done at their house took center stage. I had no problem with that, that was one of the reasons I fell in love. He was very attentive to the needs of every older person in his life, not just his folks. He also took care of things at my mothers.
 
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Blessed said:
I would like to have a little one on one with my son. Just take him, alone for a nice quite dinner. I do not want to offend my DIL, she goes on trips with her Mom, out to dinner with Mom and sister my son not included. Should I not be allowed private time, just me and the son alone or am I just creating a problem? How do I phrase this invitation? I want to take you out for dinner, just you and me alone? Most of the time it is all of us together or me, son and grandson. I just want a little time just me and my son. Is that a bad thing?
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Tell them it's what you want for Christmas.
 
Della said:
I would tread lightly with this, Blessed. She shouldn't mind one bit, but if she's already prickly toward you she might take offence. Sure, you should have time alone with your son, but I can see her saying the time with her mother and sister is "girl time" and this is different. None of it would be fair to you but I would hate to see you be an excuse for a fight between them.

Call me sneaky but that's what I would be. Wait until you know she's out with her MIL and call your son, ask him to pop over and keep you company, or to go to a favorite restaurant with you. If he's watching the grandson have something ready for him to play with so the two of you can just talk.
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I will say that the grandson if with my son if Mom is out. He is not the type of most children. He does not lose his self around adults over a toy. He is an active participant in every way. There is no talking around or over him. He is engaged than most at 9 years of age.
 
Della said:
I would tread lightly with this, Blessed. She shouldn't mind one bit, but if she's already prickly toward you she might take offence. Sure, you should have time alone with your son, but I can see her saying the time with her mother and sister is "girl time" and this is different. None of it would be fair to you but I would hate to see you be an excuse for a fight between them.

Call me sneaky but that's what I would be. Wait until you know she's out with her MIL and call your son, ask him to pop over and keep you company, or to go to a favorite restaurant with you. If he's watching the grandson have something ready for him to play with so the two of you can just talk.
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I am treading lightly, that is why I asked for advice. I would never do anything that over steps the boundaries of marriage.
 
Pepper said:
Nothing wrong. You're a wonderful lady. Just trying to understand. Sorry, I get a bit on a roll! :ROFLMAO:
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Not upset, I get it but when I go to reply it comes up with ROFLMA, so I must ask why you are rolling on the floor laughing your a** off. That is kind of hurtful and unkind to anyone.
 
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