Not that anyone is asking

katlupe said:
If I was you, (and you might already be doing this) I would keep a journal. Write the dates and times of everything. Write how Paxton reacts and what he says. Include letters to him (which will remind him of good times with you and Michelle) and don't give it to him. Just keep it all together. Then in the future when you are asked anything you have something to look back on. Including dates, times and perhaps the social worker's actions. If anything happens to you, when he grows up, he would have a record of your relationship with him. For him it would be a record of someone who really loved him. That he mattered.
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CPS encourages you to keep a journal but they never look at them even if you offer it. I kept notes for a couple years, and his Sac caseworker had me email them to her when she needed to see them. Amador County acts like it's just more work for them, more boring reading and another responsibility they don't need.

When I offered my notebook to his 1st Amador worker, and told her I'd jotted down some conversations his parents had while they were here that could be decisive (they def. would have been), she just looked straight at me, and in a very condescending tone she asked "Did anyone else witness these 'decisive conversations'?"

I wanted to smash her face in.

But anyway, yes! It's important that everyone involved keeps a journal. Melanie is my ...let's call her my Live Journal. I text her whenever I think of something that could be useful.

Like, last night I remembered that Paxton's gramma told me how his mother intentionally tripped him when they were all at her house for Xmas, and he fell onto this big toy castle (from the movie "Frozen") and split his cheek open. And at first his mom laughed, and then she yelled at him for crying, and his dad said "Oh, stoppit Paxton, you're ok", and they wouldn't let the gramma take him to urgent care, and they got mad when she got out her first-aid kit, and then yelled at her for babying him all the time, saying that's why he cries so much....meanwhile blood was all down his face and neck and on his new shirt.

He has a scar from that fall.

I tell Melanie these things hoping Paxton's court-appointed attorney will use some or all of it when his mother goes to court to get custody. Or that his attorney will at least question the gramma about it, since she actually witnessed it.
 

@Murrmurr Such a sad situation. It's understandable that you get frustrated.

Could it be that Paxton feels the twins have got close to you so he has stepped back because he is used to giving way to his siblings? If you were able to have time with Paxton alone (either in person or facetime) maybe that in itself will be all the reassurance he needs.
 
Frank, everytime I read an update here, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I cannot tell you how many children I've seen in the E.R. who were clearly abused and had to call DYFS (CPP now), knowing that it will only be a matter of time before these kids will be back to square one, and I'd have them in the E.R. once again. It's a vicious circle with so many cases, overworked caseworkers, many of whom are under qualified, and others who give up trying to fight city hall. It all comes down to political malfeasance in my opinion, and more private agencies are sorely needed.
 

Trish said:
@Murrmurr Such a sad situation. It's understandable that you get frustrated.

Could it be that Paxton feels the twins have got close to you so he has stepped back because he is used to giving way to his siblings? If you were able to have time with Paxton alone (either in person or facetime) maybe that in itself will be all the reassurance he needs.
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Yes, I'm certain he's pulling back because the twins demand their share of affection and I give it to them. They are really messed up, but they're just babies still. They're a whole separate heart-break. I expect to be let-down but I still hope like hell the twins are placed with another family who are experienced at fostering toddlers with violent tendencies. And it'd be so awesome if at least one of them is a child psychologist or something similar.

I think Paxton has reached a point where he believes everything is temporary and reassurance is as meaningless as the words I love you. I have to show him he's wrong about that, and so do Melanie and Tony (and Michelle, too). And that could take years but we've made it our goal.

Tony text me "You have to hang in there, Frank. Right now you are Paxton's #1 priority and, in his mind, his only link to a better life. You cannot give up. I'm not going to let you."

Mel and Tony have 3 daughters (of their own). Tony sincerely wants Paxton to be his son. He adores his girls but he's got all these father-son things planned for him and Pax, and he thinks about it all the time, he said.

Tony's a large-sized Mexican dude, very formidable looking but kind of your big ol' bear type....Teddy bear, that is. He's a man who Paxton could look up to (literally) and emulate, and I think he'll be able to count on Tony to always be there for him and to be fair when he makes some of life's inevitable mistakes. Tony's a really good match for Paxton, imo. He's going to be a great dad.

I sure hope it happens. Looking at Amador County's track record, it's gonna take a galldern miracle.
 
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So, the good news first; Melanie's bringing Paxton over for a visit tomorrow. She'll have the twins with her, or maybe the whole family, but she promised me and Paxton will get some time to ourselves.

Also, after leaving about a half-dozen messages with the caseworker about de-supervising visitation, and because I wasn't very umm...pleasant when I talked to her last week, I changed tactics. I left a message asking if visitation could be moved to the Sacramento because the 2 hour drive to Jackson and back caused so much pain I had to confine myself to bed for 2 days. ...it was more like 6 hours, but it felt like 2 days.

She (Christy) called me yesterday and was pretty accommodating (by their standards). She upgraded my status to "modified visitation." That's where the foster parent meets you at a park or McDonalds or something, leaves the kid(s) with you, and then picks 'em up an hour later. Christy even asked me if I'd like 2 hours instead of 1, and twice a month instead of once.

I just said Yes to everything. Because it doesn't matter anyway; Mel and Tony will bring Paxton over as often as they want...Paxton with or without the twins, Paxton with one or two of their kids...whatever, whenever.

And now the bad news; CPS will not separate Paxton and the twins, so Mel and Tony had to choose between all 3, or none. They chose none. The twins need constant attention, and M&T have 3 daughters of their own, a 9yr old, a 4yr old, and a 1yr old. The 9yr-old has been spending a lot of time in her room for the past few months, like really a lot, and the 4yr-old has been acting out...yelling, disobeying, throwing things...just going kind of wild, so Mel and Tony feel like their family is falling apart, plus Paxton's not getting the attention he needs, and the caseworker is dragging her feet (as usual) on getting the twins into counseling.

So Paxton and the twins will be placed in another foster home.

CPS are even not considering our home. They don't think it's safe because of my relationship/history with the kids' parents, who they consider violent and dangerous, and who know where we live - Jackie, the kids' gramma, told her daughter, the kids' mom, all about our new house. Plus, they'll never admit it, but I'm sure CPS isn't comfortable about placing a 4yr-old and two traumatized 3yr-olds with someone my age who has chronic pain and physical limitations.

TBH, I'm not comfortable with it, either, for a number of reasons. Even though my wife is still pretty young, the kids need an active, energetic couple. People who can get out and do thing like camping and taking family vacations and going to the annual fair. They certainly don't need the trauma of their adoptive father dying before they're 10, or whatever.

Anyway, so there's a couple who want to adopt Paxton and the twins. They're friends and co-workers of Tony and Mel. The lady is an RN and the guy is a radiologist. They've already spent time with the kids. They know who I am and how I've figured in Paxton's life, and they want me to stay a part of it, according to Mel. This couple wants to meet me and Meesh, so we're all gonna go out for lunch sometime soon; just us adults.

And all that sounds ok, but jeez. I mean, what the hell, right? It feels like we're talking about commodities. Like when Human Resources passes out those big blocks of cheese to whoever wants some; fist-come, first-served; be there early...resell it if you want.

I'm just gonna be glad to see Paxton tomorrow. That's all I want to think about right now.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Reading this is sickening like usual. They should separate Paxton and the twins. It would be in Paxton’s best interest and then he could stay with his foster family. Ugh!!
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It would be in the twins' best interest, too. Separate them from the family whipping boy so they can focus on learning healthy ways to cope with the crap they've been through and the horrible things they've seen. Having Paxton handy to scratch and slap and bite and pinch with all their might whenever there's a need to release some post-trauma fear, confusion, and anger doesn't help them one bit. That just feeds their PTSD.
 
Have a wonderful day with Pax tomorrow. Take it one step at a time.

At least there’s a family that are willing to take all three. Because they’re another set of professionals like Mel, if the twins keep being violent, they might separate them if it comes to that. Whatever the situation it’s better for Paxton than it was a few months ago.
 
It was clear that M&T were being overwhelmed. It's hard for the kids, all around. Something tells me, once
Pax and the twins are settled into their new home .. eventually, they will be okay. Having free rein to seeing
you will make a big difference to Paxton, though it could take longer this time.

Never lose hope.
 
Jules said:
Have a wonderful day with Pax tomorrow. Take it one step at a time.

At least there’s a family that are willing to take all three. Because they’re another set of professionals like Mel, if the twins keep being violent, they might separate them if it comes to that. Whatever the situation it’s better for Paxton than it was a few months ago.
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It is, and I keep that in mind all the time. Melanie gives him special attention while all the younger kids nap. She sits at the table with him and they chat over a snack. The other day he asked her "Am I going to stay with you?"

Chokes me up that 4yr-old has to ask a person that question, or has to even be concerned about this sort of thing. But since his life has a hellish side, and times when he was beaten down one way or another every single day, it's awesome that he feels confident enough to ask. And it's good to know he's learned to fish for what lies ahead. To me, that means he's figured out how to prepare himself for it mentally.

It's sh*tty he's had to develop those skills instead of learning beginner reading and fundamental math. I know he's capable of catching up, but I'm a huge advocate of early learning. Paxton could actually read 14 words when he was 3yrs-old. I kept a list. Anyway, hopefully we'll have time to work on it. (his father is illiterate, btw)
 
Pinky said:
It was clear that M&T were being overwhelmed. It's hard for the kids, all around. Something tells me, once
Pax and the twins are settled into their new home .. eventually, they will be okay. Having free rein to seeing
you will make a big difference to Paxton, though it could take longer this time.

Never lose hope.
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Yeah, I sympathize with M&T. Mel even said that after they got Paxton and the twins, she occasionally regretted having her two youngest children. That's a horrible way to feel. And then she'd feel guilty on top of it.
 
What an awesome visit! Tony and the kids were here for about 3 hours. We drove over to cousin Eileen's for home-made cookies and we went on a nature walk and the kids found a bunch of cool treasures for Paxton's Treasure Jar. Zoey had the best find; an awesome little square-inch rubber head of a Pokemon monster. Plus Tony (the kids call him Big Daddy) loaded up the bicycle Santa left here for Paxton, and him and Pax are going to assemble it.

During our walk, Meesh and Tony branched off with the twins so I could talk to Pax about why we couldn't see each other as much as we wanted to, and why that's not going to be a problem anymore. He had a great time here, especially after we talked. And he loves his room! All 3 of them do.

Just before they left, Tony said he was impressed by how well I handle Landon's hyperactivity and his compulsive talking and incessant interrupting, and that he learned a lot from it, and he's gonna tell their caseworker all about my "appropriate interactions." Not that that even matters anymore, because we're gonna be visiting each other whenever we want, but I suppose it could still be helpful at some point.

Tara's trial is set for sometime in late February. Tony couldn't remember the exact date but he said it's highly unlikely she'll get her kids back. He said CPS is taking the allegations of abuse very seriously this time. Well after all, they have actual video of it.

My advice to everyone who has grandkids or nieces and nephews with abusive parents: get a home security system that records with sound and put the cameras in all the main rooms of your house.
 
Pinky said:
Tony sounds like a really nice person. It's so great to see the tide turning, for you. I didn't realize that Landon was hyperactive. That has got to be challenging for them.

Very good advice, re: home cameras, though it saddens me that they are sometimes necessary.
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Landon's hyperactivity comes out as aggression several times a day if you don't intervene, and that's when he physically attacks Paxton. It helps to gently hold Landon's face in your hands when you talk to him...you know, like you'd do lovingly with your daughter or son. And then you do that whenever he interrupts people; gently cradle his face in your hand and quietly remind him someone else is talking, and it will be his turn soon. He always smiles and says "Ok," and not only that, he'll wait until you tell him it's his turn! And you do that when you need him to listen, too; cradle his face and talk directly to him.

It's a good way to get the kid's attention in a positive way, but it also gives him a moment of very personal, positive attention. My oldest son was extremely hyperactive and had a severe attention deficit, and this is one of the techniques I used to communicate with him.
 
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I can understand why Pax and the twins would be so elated to see you. The way you describe talking to
Landon is heartwarming. It's good that Tony has taken note of this. Anything that makes life a bit easier
for the kids, is good.

Can't wait for your next visit together :)
 
Murrmurr said:
Landon's hyperactivity comes out as aggression several times a day if you don't intervene, and that's when he physically attacks Paxton. It helps to gently hold Landon's face in your hands when you talk to him...you know, like you'd do lovingly with your daughter or son. And then you do that whenever he interrupts people; gently cradle his face in your hand and quietly remind him someone else is talking, and it will be his turn soon. He always smiles and says "Ok," and not only that, he'll wait until you tell him it's his turn! And you do that when you need him to listen, too; cradle his face and talk directly to him.

It's a good way to get the kid's attention in a positive way, but it also gives him a moment of very personal, positive attention. My oldest son was extremely hyperactive and had a severe attention deficit, and this is one of the techniques I used to communicated with him.
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It's great you're able to hold his attention with your touch. It is possible, he is craving for attention and you focusing on him and "cradling" his face shows him your love.
 
palides2021 said:
It's great you're able to hold his attention with your touch. It is possible, he is craving for attention and you focusing on him and "cradling" his face shows him your love.
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My son, Grant's HA and ADD (called Hyperkinesis back in the 70s) was so bad I had to lay him down on his back and straddle him, and gently pin his shoulders down with my knees. I had to do all that before I could hold his face and talk to him. I know it sounds aggressive, but it was all done gently and also slowly. Moving slowly was important.

And the whole time you're being soft-spoken, never raising your voice, saying stuff like, "Ok, sweetheart, you need to listen to Daddy right now, ok? I need your attention, alright?" And I'd have to tell him to look at me or his eyes would be darting all over the place. But he'd do anything to avoid eye-contact, one of the reasons for holding his face, so I always told him to look at my lips instead, and then while I talked, I'd be real expressive ...with my face, I mean. Except not overly so or it would distract him from listening.

I know it sounds weird, but it helped get him through 1st and 2nd grade. Like I could get him to spell his whole list of words from school doing this, which was 8 to 10 words. And he'd totally rattle them off, no stammering, no mistakes, no sweat. He didn't even take a second to think about it; I'd say house, he'd say h-o-u-s-e.

And when it was all done, I'd have him spell genius. He loved that part.

Grant is in his 40s now, retired a Chief Petty Officer from the Naval Reserves (Seabee Construction, metals), and he can retire from his job in design and engineering in about a decade, if he wants to. He's definitely got his quirks, but you'd never guess he was "on the spectrum" when he was a kid. Partly because I helped him learn to focus, partly because I bought him lots and lots of Legos. :p
 
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