Not that anyone is asking

Frank , given that the twins have such serious issues.. do you think there's a likelihood they'll be separated at adopted individually ?
 

hollydolly said:
Frank , given that the twins have such serious issues.. do you think there's a likelihood they'll be separated at adopted individually ?
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One of 2 things will happen; either Mel & Tony will lose all 3, and Paxton and the twins will be placed in yet another foster home, or the twins will be placed in a "special care" foster home and Pax will stay where he's at.

It's so hard to predict because laws around CPS and foster care are vague and some of them actually contradict others. Plus, CPS has this "Child's Bill of Rights" document that's suddenly totally invalid when you get in family court. No one I've met at Amador CPS has even heard of it. And the parent's rights always seem to get priority, even aside from that Bill.

I just found out yesterday that Tara's trial is on the 19th, same day I get to visit the kids.

I'm pretty sure this trial is when the judge decides to terminate her parental rights or not. CPS is recommending termination. Tara's attorney will present a defense, of course, but I think the court is over it, sick of her whining and fake crying, throwing the kids' father under the bus, and all her won't-happen-agains. Amador's had over 2 years of that from her, and they know Sacramento County's had the same for just as long.

This trial judge might also have the job of deciding whether Tara will face criminal charge. I'm not sure. If he does, then he'll tell her she has to go to a different court on *this date* for a hearing on that issue.
 
I showed up on time for my supervised visit with Paxton + twins yesterday. In fact, I got there a bit early.

This visit was 60 miles away in Jackson, and I left early in case some of the roads were still flooded. Two of them were. I drove through one of them just fine, but took a detour for the other, which ate about 20 minutes.

But I got there early anyway, and the kids' caseworker came into the waiting room to tell me she'd come and get me in a little while, so my visit would start exactly at the scheduled time, even though she let it slip that the kids were already there. So I said something like "It'll be nice when I can just see the kids whenever they want, and we won't have to worry about schedules." And she said the same thing she's been saying for 3 months, "Well, we're working on that."

That felt like she fired another bullet, and I kind of went off on her. I was already pissed that I have to be supervised whenever I'm around the kids anyway, and that no one's telling me why, and that my house has to be inspected first, but that hasn't happened yet, and that Paxton keeps asking for me and saying he wants to see me and everyone keeps telling him "in due time."

...so I was already totally on edge about all that, and then I had to drive nearly 70 miles, 30 miles of it on severely flood-damaged roads, plus cross swiftly moving flood water about 14 ft wide and 8 inches deep, then forced to double back several miles to take a 20-freaking-minute detour, worrying about the time every inch of the way, because my bad if Paxton only gets to see me for 35 minutes instead of *a whole hour*.

So getting the same "in due time" and "when it's safe" bullcrap from her that me and Pax have been getting since the 4th of November (when he told 3 different social workers, 1 doctor and 2 nurses "I want my Unco Fwank") was the tipping point, man. I kind of exploded....I managed not to yell, though. I just said some things that I'm sure she didn't like hearing. And those people can be vengeful. They will use their power for bad if they don't like you or your attitude, or your complete lack of gratitude *for all they do*, the freaking fund-whores.

I didn't call her that, btw. I may have implied a lack-luster performance, but I didn't call her names or anything. And I didn't cuss, either. I was just, I'd say, snidely critical, maybe a little sarcastic, like when I asked "Is the FBI investigating me, or what?"

But I mainly told her all the ways she's damaging Paxton, including damaging his faith in me, and therefor others, altering the trajectory of his life in a bad way. And I unloaded for quite a bit longer than I should have. Well, I really shouldn't have even got started.

So I'm worried.

And, btw, it was a crappy visit. Paxton is so hurt. And I had to be careful what I said and how I comforted him. And it's not like I could assure him of any-freaking-thing, not even "I'll always be there for you, buddy." I can't even call him "son" or "my boy" like I do under normal circumstances. And believe me, there's nothing normal about scheduled supervised visits. Paxton knows that. I don't know why CPS doesn't.
 

I am so sorry, I know that is not the visit you wanted for Paxton. I know you are a wonderful parent to him, love him the way you love your own children and grandchildren. I can't imagine the heartbreak you feel. I know you wish you just could pull him into your arms, take hime home, so he could not live in fear and confusion but only in comfort, love and joy.

I can totally understand why you give the caseworker a piece of your mind. At this point the anger, disbelief in the system that is not or taking to long to do the best thing for these children is beyond comprehension. The only advice I can give is, do your best to contain your anger and frustration. Do not give them any excuse or reason to doubt that you should be in Pax's life.

Little Pax is doing his best. He is fighting the good fight, he is letting grown ups know he wants his Unco Fwank. The pure innocence of a small child in distress will always ask for the person that makes them feel safe. I don't have a college degree in anything. I do have a degree in everyday life and being a parent as do you. Sometimes we have to stay calm and keep working toward goals. Your goal is making sure this little boy and even the twins get a family. I still think you and Meesh would be the best option for the little guy. He deserves to grow up with a father who loved him from day one.
 
Sorry to hear that you have to be so careful when you are with Paxton. That has to be tough. At this point,
I can't blame you for your frustration. Meanwhile, valuable time is passing .. time that Pax could be moving
forward, and healing. My heart goes out to both of you.

I hope the next "visit" goes better.
 
Those people in the "power position" love to show off their power. It makes them feel big. They are wasting the precious time you and Paxton could be building up good memories that he will look back on as he gets older. He would be healing somewhat from the hurt of his so called mother. It would seem their agenda should be getting Paxton situated as fast as they can so he can get on with his life and his family. He needs you and that is obvious.
 
Frank my heart breaks for you. Back in my foster care days, when the children would show up with their foster parents to be with their 'natural' parents (that was their designation, I was head of 'natural' parent dept.) it was always overwhelmingly joyful, noisy and fun for the workers and almost everyone else.
 
katlupe said:
Those people in the "power position" love to show off their power. It makes them feel big. They are wasting the precious time you and Paxton could be building up good memories that he will look back on as he gets older. He would be healing somewhat from the hurt of his so called mother. It would seem their agenda should be getting Paxton situated as fast as they can so he can get on with his life and his family. He needs you and that is obvious.
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It's a backwoods podunk town where this Dept of CPS is, and the seemingly limitless power it has over people's lives has created this court of smug, hill-boonie majesties. It's akin to small-man syndrome. I thought that at least the director had some level of humility, but nope, the Boon-Dock Empress is worse than her underlings.

The only time you get what feels like compassion and understanding from them is the first time you talk to them, and maybe the 2nd time if it's within a few days. After that, they act like they never even heard of you. You're a hostile alien who doesn't know squat about anything.
 
Pepper said:
Frank my heart breaks for you. Back in my foster care days, when the children would show up with their foster parents to be with their 'natural' parents (that was their designation, I was head of 'natural' parent dept.) it was always overwhelmingly joyful, noisy and fun for the workers and almost everyone else.
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He just looked up from a coloring book when I walk in the "playroom". He didn't even get up from his chair. Landon shouted "Unco Fwank!" and Paxton looked over at Landon, and then back down at his crayon.

I've been allowed to see him 3 times since Oct, and it had been almost a year when I saw him in Oct. He asked for me all that time, and Mel says he asks her and Tony about me every day. But what I saw in his eyes on the 19th was lost faith; a crushed spirit. He has no idea that I have no control over all this; he assumes I am in control, bc I always was, so this must be how I want it to be; seeing as little of him as possible.

How that must make him feel. Affirmation that he's a turd that just won't flush? Why no one at CPS gets that...I just can't fathom it. And then he has to watch me give hugs and kisses to the twins who beat the crap out of him every day, just like their mother did, because the supervisor will note any inequity of attention and interaction.

I mean, no one should wonder why I got in the caseworkers face that day. And then seeing that look on his face and thinking how I still had a chance to repair him ...until a moment ago, when I just had to get hostile, give that worker what-for. I can't justify it...or reconcile it, or whatever the word for that is.

I told Mel, and she agreed, that when Pax can finally visit me at my house, I want only him. No twins. And I want him for at least 2 days. I'm going to tell him exactly what's been happening, and that I worried about him and fought to see him, and wanted to see him every day. He's got to know that he's not unimportant to me, that I never ever stopped caring and worrying about him, and that it wasn't me who isolated him from Unco Dad.

I been looking for youtube videos about foster care from a child's POV, so he'll see this happens to other kids too. It's not just him. I found a couple fairly good ones (more like barely good), but I'm not surprised I haven't found one that's critical of the system. Not one at his age level, anyway. Those ones just have some 10yr-old give an overview or sort of like a tour; this happens and then that happens and then you can go home and it's all good. There's some teenage ones that make you want to chuck a social worker through a window, but he doesn't need that kind of inspiration right now. and neither do I

I'm still looking, though.
 
That has got to be so tough .. for both you, and Pax. That visit can't come soon enough. Don't they see
what's happening to Paxton? You'd think the "powers that be" would notice.
 
Pinky said:
That has got to be so tough .. for both you, and Pax. That visit can't come soon enough. Don't they see
what's happening to Paxton? You'd think the "powers that be" would notice.
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It seems to me like they're not even looking. Each caseworker sees each kid once a month, and if the kids are under age 8 or 9, the caseworker usually just talks to the adults. Paxton didn't even know his worker's name until a month ago.

His Sacramento County worker introduced herself to him as soon as he started talking, when he was about 14 months old. And she introduced herself every time she visited until he could repeat her name back to her. Paxton loved to see her walking toward the apartment. He felt like she was visiting him. And she made him feel like she really liked him. She even brought him a gift on his birthdays and at Christmas time. I actually think she kind of loved him, for real.
 
You are right Frank. Paxton somewhere in his little soul, feels abandoned by not seeing you. He is old enough now for you to give him the truth about why you two have been apart. He is exactly my grandson's age, 4.5, am I right? Also, I remember myself at that age so I know he will understand you. Paxton, may you live and be well. What a way to start life.
 
Pepper said:
You are right Frank. Paxton somewhere in his little soul, feels abandoned by not seeing you. He is old enough now for you to give him the truth about why you two have been apart. He is exactly my grandson's age, 4.5, am I right? Also, I remember myself at that age so I know he will understand you. Paxton, may you live and be well. What a way to start life.
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Yeah, he'll be 5 in June.

I'm glad you said all that. I'd probably tell him even if you didn't, but it's really cool to know you agree that it's time.
 
I agree with Pepper. Pax will understand what you tell him. It even frustrates me, that the workers seem to
put more importance on their control, than the kids.
 
Pepper said:
@Pinky, each worker has HUNDRED's of cases, and I'm speaking of 50 years ago. Can't even imagine now how bad it is.
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And there's probably a lot more drug-related child neglect and abuse than even 10 years ago, and a lot more kids who need protection. If the increase in statistics is 3 times what it was a decade ago, then CPS should get 3 times the funding so they can hire enough workers, and train them better, too. To correct this problem you have to be interested in kids, their health and their future, and I don't know of any politician who's shown even casual interested.
 
Murrmurr said:
And there's probably a lot more drug-related child neglect and abuse than even 10 years ago, and a lot more kids who need protection. If the increase in statistics is 3 times what it was a decade ago, then CPS should get 3 times the funding so they can hire enough workers, and train them better, too. To correct this problem you have to be interested in kids, their health and their future, and I don't know of any politician who's shown even casual interested.
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Fat chance (or slim chance, they mean the same thing!). Taxes would have to be raised. Enuf said.
 
Murrmurr said:
And there's probably a lot more drug-related child neglect and abuse than even 10 years ago, and a lot more kids who need protection. If the increase in statistics is 3 times what it was a decade ago, then CPS should get 3 times the funding so they can hire enough workers, and train them better, too. To correct this problem you have to be interested in kids, their health and their future, and I don't know of any politician who's shown even casual interested.
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...or very often the workers who are supposed to be protecting children. The fact is that in this country at least, too many people take these jobs for the money and not for their interest in children.
 
hollydolly said:
...or very often the workers who are supposed to be protecting children. The fact is that in this country at least, too many people take these jobs for the money and not for their interest in children.
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The money stinks here unless you're in a private agency that contracts with the city/state. I was in a private agency.
 
Mel and Tony are going to bring Paxton over next Saturday whether the worker gives the go-ahead or not! Plus, she let me do face-time with him today....without permission. I promised I wouldn't tell.

I would have suggested secret visits weeks ago but I know Melanie isn't one to break rules. But she sees what this is doing to Paxton, and she cares more about him than the rules. The only reason the caseworker hasn't approved unsupervised visits yet is because she hasn't taken the time. She forgets all about Paxton until she hears (and ignores) my latest voicemail.
 
Murrmurr said:
Mel and Tony are going to bring Paxton over next Saturday whether the worker gives the go-ahead or not! Plus, she let me do face-time with him today....without permission. I promised I wouldn't tell.

I would have suggested secret visits weeks ago but I know Melanie isn't one to break rules. But she sees what this is doing to Paxton, and she cares more about him than the rules. The only reason the caseworker hasn't approved unsupervised visits yet is because she hasn't taken the time. She forgets all about Paxton until she hears (and ignores) my latest voicemail.
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Shhhhh...my lips are sealed. 🤐
 
If I was you, (and you might already be doing this) I would keep a journal. Write the dates and times of everything. Write how Paxton reacts and what he says. Include letters to him (which will remind him of good times with you and Michelle) and don't give it to him. Just keep it all together. Then in the future when you are asked anything you have something to look back on. Including dates, times and perhaps the social worker's actions. If anything happens to you, when he grows up, he would have a record of your relationship with him. For him it would be a record of someone who really loved him. That he mattered.
 

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