Not that anyone is asking

Murrmurr said:
I'm thinking it's time to talk to an attorney.

This is a CPS guideline right out of their book: "...children with frequent family contact while in foster care experience improved emotional well-being and positive adjustment to placement."
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Yes, this is an excellent idea. Family Law. I used to work in Family Court. Extended family visitation cases were not unheard of. A poor unfortunate might have had me in locum (loco!) advocatus, as a paralegal was allowed to do that in NYS Family Court.
 
I took our Christmas tree down yesterday. I'm disappointed Paxton didn't get to see it. He has 2 favorite ornaments. One's a tiny bear on a tiny golden swing and the other is a little farm boy holding a bushel of apples. I also put out photos of my grandkids with Santa, and of Paxton with Santa on his first and second Christmases. He's familiar with these things, and I wanted him to see them.

I showed them to him when we had face-time, but the twins were on too, and his foster mom and a foster sister who's his age, so there were a lot of distractions. I could tell he wasn't happy about that.

I contacted my attorney. He's looking into it; looking to see if there's anything I can do besides complain. He'll get back to me.

Paxton stammers horribly. It's severe. He already stuttered. That started a couple months after the first reunification. So he stutters, stammers, and his speech is as bad as when he first started talking, so he's really hard to understand. You struggle to understand what he's saying as much as he struggles to say it, and his worker STILL hasn't gotten him a speech therapist. And he'll be 5 in June. That means he probably won't start kindergarten until 2024, and that's good. Gives him time to catch up.

And the quicker I get unsupervised visits at my house, the quicker he'll catch up. I kept all his favorite beginner-reader books and one of his educational toys, a Leap-Frog device that teaches word recognition and simple math and stuff.
 

If his new family is new a good school district they will make sure he gets speech therapy. My son had trouble with his r and s sounds, he got the therapy he needed along with work at home and it cleared up really quickly. I know Pax will be fine once his world is stable and secure.

I feel for you, I would be crushed if a child was taken from me. I often worry if something happens between my son and his wife, would I lose my grandson?
He is not my son's bio child but we have been in his life since he was six months old. They lived with me for 3 1/2 years, he just sees me as grandma, I never want to lose that. Hopefully, everything will fall into place and you will get time alone with Paxton and the twins.
 
I hope Pax's new family will agree to some one-on-one Facetime between him and you. They should
understand that's what he needs.

Are you privy to knowing how all else is going with him, in relation to family dynamics?
 
Pinky said:
I hope Pax's new family will agree to some one-on-one Facetime between him and you. They should
understand that's what he needs.

Are you privy to knowing how all else is going with him, in relation to family dynamics?
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His current foster parents and I have been friends for 3 years, ever since they fostered the twins (from birth to 18mo), so they let us have face-time twice so far, and they're anxious for unsupervised visitation too.

They have Paxton and the twins, 3 children of their own, and they're fostering an infant, so they've got 7 kids, and the oldest is only 9. So we told them we'll babysit any of them at any time, and have them for weekends and overnights, and we planned to get together on holidays and birthdays...we were going to be family.

I'm gonna ask her if CPS said no more face-time, but I think probly the foster parents are just too busy.

Foster mom is "Mel" and foster dad is "Tony." After the second time CPS took the kids and they were placed into a foster home in another county, me and Mel & Tony met for lunch at least once a month, and Tony has come to some of my nephew's ball games to watch me coach. and we mostly talk about Pax and the twins.

So, yeah, they keep in touch about how the kids are doing now, and Mel asks me for advice sometimes; like what works for Paxton's nightmares, what kind of food he likes, what kind of music and stuff like that. And they keep telling the CPS worker about my history with Paxton, and that I'm a good guy and they don't understand why I can't see the kids. They get the same excuse I do...."we must keep the children safe."
:confused:
 
Pinky said:
CPS should be listening more to Pax's adoptive parents. They would know best what his needs are.
The system seems to require a big overhaul.

It's great that "Mel" and "Tony" are your close acquaintances.
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Yeah, the whole system needs a complete overhaul. Amador County CPS is particularly bad. They've had to go to court several times over the past 2 decades for actual criminal activity.

And Paxton's first CPS caseworker in Amador was fired for literally doing nothing. Pax was supposed to be getting mental health counseling with a child-psychologist, him and his mother were supposed to get bonding classes, and she was supposed to go to parenting classes, but the worker just stuck all the requests in their files instead of sending them on for approval and action. Plus, she didn't sign and return Paxton's mother's applications for 3 different apartments...just stuck 'em in mother's file. And this went on for over 6 months, so her supervisor was fired, too....for literally doing nothing.

If you ask me, the current caseworker is doing nothing as well. Seems to be a systemic problem.
 
"If you ask me, the current caseworker is doing nothing as well. Seems to be a systemic problem."

When I would visit CPS offices due to my job in foster care & adoption I was astounded as to how many cases each worker was assigned. The average, as I recall, was 600! cases per worker and this was in the 1970's. I imagine it's worse now, not better. Overwhelmed, they were overwhelmed. Even the most caring worker was swamped to the point of madness.

Definitely not shielding your worker. You're right, it's systemic.
 
Pepper said:
"If you ask me, the current caseworker is doing nothing as well. Seems to be a systemic problem."

When I would visit CPS offices due to my job in foster care & adoption I was astounded as to how many cases each worker was assigned. The average, as I recall, was 600! cases per worker and this was in the 1970's. I imagine it's worse now, not better. Overwhelmed, they were overwhelmed. Even the most caring worker was swamped to the point of madness.

Definitely not shielding your worker. You're right, it's systemic.
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That's why I try to stay calm and work with Paxton's worker. It's really hard to not get angry when I talk to her on the phone, especially when she gets smug with me, and she does almost every time. My voice gets kinda shaky, so I know she knows she's pissing me off - actually, I think she likes it. I think she wants me to flip out and call her an effin lazy-arse byitch, then she could just stamp "no contact" on my arse and be done with it.

But anyway, yeah, nation-wide, Child Protective Services needs better training, much better pay, and improved departmental and inter-departmental communication and coordination. And that will entice more and better employees.

Amador County is underpopulated. It's in the foothills. It's seemingly endless miles of forest hills and sloping fields dotted with farms and quaint villages. It's also where you'll find rednecks, pot growers, and meth-heads...there's not a whole lot to do there besides hunt squirrels, go camping, and hang out at Lake Almanor. Since that's how it is, Amador County CPS probably has a fairly big caseload, but Sacramento County's is probably 10 times larger, and that's probably not an exaggeration, but Sac Co CPS is way more organized, caring and efficient.

Paxton loved when his Sacramento caseworker visited us, and she seemed to enjoy it too, but I know dang well she visited dozens of other kids on the same days, and no doubt ones that broke her heart. It's a heart-wrenching job that probably seems futile, and the workers get cussed out a lot by a bunch of state leeches who feed their babies a steady diet of chicken McNuggets and soda pop. They deserve better pay and better training and better support within their various departments.
 
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Murrmurr said:
That's why I try to stay calm and work with Paxton's worker. It's really hard to not get angry when I talk to her on the phone, especially when she gets smug with me, and she does almost every time. My voice gets kinda shaky, so I know she knows she's pissing me off - actually, I think she likes it. I think she wants me to flip out and call her an effin lazy-arse byitch, then she could just stamp "no contact" on my arse and be done with it.

But anyway, yeah, nation-wide, Child Protective Services needs better training, much better pay, and improved departmental and inter-departmental communication and coordination. And that will entice more and better employees.

Amador County is underpopulated. It's in the foothills. It's seemingly endless miles of forest hills and sloping fields dotted with farms and quaint villages. It's also where you'll find rednecks, pot growers, and meth-heads...there's not a whole lot to do there besides hunt squirrels, go camping, and hang out at Lake Almanor. Since that's how it is, Amador County CPS probably has a fairly big caseload, but Sacramento County's is probably 10 times larger, and that's probably not an exaggeration, but Sac Co CPS is way more organized, caring and efficient.

Paxton loved when his Sacramento caseworker visited us, and she seemed to enjoy it too, but I know dang well she visited dozens of other kids on the same days, and no doubt ones that broke her heart. It's a heart-wrenching job that probably seems futile, and the workers get cussed out a lot by a bunch of state leeches who feed their babies a steady diet of chicken McNuggets and soda pop. They deserve better pay and better training and better support within their various departments.
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.... and when the kids grow up they repeat all that they have learned and the kids of the kids who never had a chance just continue it on.

Sometimes though, someone who can make all the difference comes along, someone like you, your wife and Paxton and the twins' new family. However frustrating it must seem at times, you know you are making a difference and they (especially Paxton) will always remember that. (y)
 
pfffttt-t-t-t. Can't sleep.

Paxton and the twins' foster mom called yesterday. Good news is, CPS will definitely NOT recommend reunification, and in fact, at pre-trial, the judge said she's "out of time." The bad news is, Mel and Tony can't handle the kids. They've tried really hard but she said there's just no way.

Ironically, the problem is the twins, the children they fostered and totally fell in love with when they were newborns, up to when they were a year and a half, when they were given back to their mother. Melanie said the twins are violent, sneaky, and just plain mean. They lie a lot. They physically attack Paxton at least once every day, and he just takes it like his mother told him to. She'd give him worse if he didn't.

Melanie said Landon slapped her face repeatedly one day; a couple days before she called me. And he slapped her harder and faster when she told him to stop. And he laughed. Both the twins are violent, she said, and Zoey screams her head off whenever she doesn't get what she wants. Ignoring her hasn't helped at all. She said they're destructive, to, especially with Paxton's things, and they tattle on him all day long, and it's stuff they invent and stuff they did themselves....Mel said she's seen this with her own eyes.

Mel and Tony are heart broken. Like me, they gave Tara perfectly happy, healthy, sweet, wonderful toddlers, and she totally frrucked them up. Mel and Tony adored Landon and Zoey. And they never stopped loving them. Mel broke down and cried every time she thought about them a little too long, and on their birthdays and holidays, and when they went on family trips and she'd literally picture them there. And she cried on the phone with me because this is nothing short of tragic.

They are going to talk to the caseworker about separating the kids. They want Paxton.

I'm sure it was really hard for Melanie to tell me that. The twins were everything to her and Tony. And they still love them, but they can't help them. And she said "love" seems meaningless to the twins. They have PTSD, that's a given. They might even have some type of personality disorder. Whatever, they are in trouble and they need professional help and a LOT of attention. Mel & Tony have 3 daughters, plus Paxton and the twins - no one gets a lot of attention. Well, actually, the twins rob everyone of attention.

Talking to CPS about separating siblings is dangerous. They could lose all 3 kids. Melanie is scared about that. She said Paxton's been doing so much better, gradually better and better. He's getting more confident, more relaxed, he's less sullen and more sociable. He and Mel's 4yr-old are best buddies. They're the same age, they do everything together, and they like all the same books and kid-shows and stuff. She says it's a good home for him.

She says Paxton has a good heart and sweet nature, and they love him very much. They don't want to lose him.

And I agree with her that if he were separated from the twins he'd do even better. I know he'd be much happier. He'd blossom like mad, for sure. The twins would be better off, too. I really believe that. Mother's Little Whipping-Boy would be absent from their daily lives and they could focus on themselves, learn to cope with their issues in a healthy way. Their lives have been violent and chaotic. They're damaged and they need treatment. And they're only 3. How messed up is that?

I hope the caseworker is reasonable and smart. Especially smart. (it's a new caseworker)
 
OH Jeez... !! Not entirely unexpected, but in reality if this couple can't cope with the children.. who can?.. They're going to need a whole lot of serious intervention from professionals . In reality if they are removed from the Foster home and Paxton left... Paxton will thrive, probably... and the twins will more than likely not get the help they desperately need, and be shunted from yet one more foster family to another, as each find they cannot deal with their behaviours..

Those poor kids... and this is just the effect of one coupling... think of the thousands of Tara and sperm donors out there in the world, producing clones of the twins... .. It's both heartbreaking and terrifying for the rest of us...
 
For Paxton's sake, it sounds as though he would be better off without his siblings, especially if he can stay in the environment he is now, I hope that happens.

What would happen to the twins? It doesn't seem a good idea to rehouse them with other children. They may well do better if they were separated from each other as they seem to work as a "team" although, I understand that separating siblings, especially twins, may also cause different problems. It's all very sad. :(
 
hollydolly said:
OH Jeez... !! Not entirely unexpected, but in reality if this couple can't cope with the children.. who can?.. They're going to need a whole lot of serious intervention from professionals . In reality if they are removed from the Foster home and Paxton left... Paxton will thrive, probably... and the twins will more than likely not get the help they desperately need, and be shunted from yet one more foster family to another, as each find they cannot deal with their behaviours..

Those poor kids... and this is just the effect of one coupling... think of the thousands of Tara and sperm donors out there in the world, producing clones of the twins... .. It's both heartbreaking and terrifying for the rest of us...
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I think about that all the time. There were kids at my apartments who were in and out of foster care.

There was a woman there who had 7 kids (w/multiple fathers), and 1 or more of them at a time were taken into custody by CPS and returned a dozen times. Literally, a dozen. Three of her daughters put Ariel in one of the clothes dryers over at the apartments when she was only 6. They shut the dryer door and ran out of the laundry room, which all have doors that shut and lock automatically....so none of the other kids could go in and help her. The lady's 9yr old son finally came and told me, but not until I'd been searching for Ariel for an hour. He waited until his older sisters weren't looking - he said they'd have beat him up if they saw him talking to me.

The 3 youngest kids are fairly decent; they've all lived with their grandmother more than their mom, and for the youngest it's like almost all their lives...but that's the thing, CPS keeps taking them from their grandma, a lovely, stable person, and giving 'em back to their mother, an on-again/off-again addict and total loser. And as time goes on, the kids that CPS takes are taken because of their behavior, not their mother's.

Honestly, CPS is fully capable and quite willing to mess kids up as bad as rotten parents do, and they've been doing it for years. Tens of millions of the USA's estimated 400-million criminal homeless people have been through the foster care system. It's estimated that over 70% of people who were in and out of foster care as kids became addicted to drugs or alcohol or both. Kids who were in and out of foster care become people who are in and out of jail and/or prison, have kids with a variety of partners, and live on welfare.
 
It's a fact that has been borne out in truth Frank... however there are still some of us thankfully..who were in and out of foster care, who are relatively normal... despite all our Traumas''..

Nowadays with care in the community..unlike back when we were kids.. people who aren;t fit to have children are having them regardless because there's nothing to prevent it . The lack of Birth control.. . having children who are born addicted but not wishing or not able to care for them..

The parents, who are already mentally ill/ addicted / downright bad / .. produce children very often who are themselves mentally unstable.. and then with the added abusive upbringing.... it creates a maelstrom of children growing into adults who are replicating the previous generation...
 
Trish said:
For Paxton's sake, it sounds as though he would be better off without his siblings, especially if he can stay in the environment he is now, I hope that happens.

What would happen to the twins? It doesn't seem a good idea to rehouse them with other children. They may well do better if they were separated from each other as they seem to work as a "team" although, I understand that separating siblings, especially twins, may also cause different problems. It's all very sad. :(
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The twins could be placed in another foster home. CPS would look for a home that doesn't have other kids, then they'll look for ones that have only 1 child, and so on. They'd assign a child psychologist to all 3 of the kids, do an assessment, and start therapy. The twins would probably see the therapist/psychologist 3 times a week, and Paxton would go once a week, probably on different days.

The kids would also have scheduled visits with each other with supervision, 1 to 4 times a month at the visitors center. But they'd go to separate schools. And there'd be evaluations every 3 months, to evaluate their interactions, and separate evaluations on their behavior and progress at their homes. This would go on for 9 months to a year, and then there'd be a meeting with all the parents and counselors, and probably Paxton, because he'd be 5 or 6 by then.
 
Pinky said:
My heart goes out to Mel and Tony, as they seem to be trying so hard. The twins need therapy, that's
quite clear. I hope Paxton gets to stay with the family, as it seems he is settling in nicely.

All this, when, finally things started to look up. It must break your heart, @Murrmurr
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It feels endless. It feels so long and consistent, so forever that I can barely remember how it felt when everything was great. And I'm sure Paxton is forgetting. I mean, he knows we love each other, but I'm sure he's forgotten exactly why, you know what I mean?

When he was here last October, when me & Meesh babysat all 3 of them, I showed Pax a bunch of photos from when he lived here - me and him at the park, at the river, celebrating his birthdays and Christmases and stuff - and it was all new to him. He didn't even remember his racing-red tricycle until I brought it out from the closet.

Yeah, this whole situation is shredding me, emotionally. I have plenty of fight in me, though. But CPS is a very formidable foe, protected by laws and all that.
 
JaniceM said:
I usually believe siblings belong together, but not under circumstances like that.. :(
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The state, meaning CPS and Family Court, strives to keep siblings together, too, but in this case it's detrimental to one of them. So, if they are separated, the state will make sure they always have contact with each other - supervised visits, phone calls, zoom calls - and when all the adults involved agree that the twins aren't aggressive toward Paxton anymore, they'll spend more personal time together, like going to the same summer camp or their 2 families taking vacations together. Depends on the families.

When you adopt sibs who've been separated, you have to be willing to always live a reasonable distance from the other kid/s. The county asks you to stay within the county and the state asks you to stay within the state, and if this becomes a problem, the court can issue an order. If you defy the order, you can be charged and the court can actually take the kid/s and dissolve the adoption.

So if they're adopted separately, it's gonna take a really special person or people to raise the twins. They need constant attention, absolute consistency, behavioral training, regular therapy, and activities like dance class, youth gymnastics, school sports, etc.

Some of that stuff is included in the county services that all foster and foster-to-adopt kids are eligible for until they're 18, so the parents don't have to pay any fees or buy uniforms or whatever if they're not able to. But so far, Amador County stinks at providing services of any kind. So, if, or hopefully when the court terminates the mother's parental rights, Mel & Tony will request the kids' cases be transferred to Sacramento County, which is stellar by comparison.
 

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