Intimacy & Older Age

Signe The Survivor

Signe The Survivor

On Hiatus until unknown time
There is a stereotype of sorts that Seniors are not nearly as intimate with there partners as they once were when they were younger. That maybe somewhat true as we get older, but it certainly does not mean we as Seniors completely lose total interest in intimacy with our partners. Many of you here are married and some of you are involved in relationships perhaps. Without going into details of course would you say you and your partner are still pretty intimate with one another? Or do you feel that part of your life have passed and you have moved onto being more of a caregiver to one another?

As for myself, I have been divorced for quite a long time and it took me sometime to fully trust men. Once I did I have dated and been in intimate relationships with several men. One who even was with me during my Cancer treatments. I feel I have as much to give to a man in this area as I once did back in my younger years.
 
Many people seem to believe that libido inevitably fades with age, and that elderly folk who are still interested in sex are abnormal. This idea is largely mythical. In actuality, sexual desire depends more on a state of mind and emotional attitudes than on chronological age. Generally speaking, it’s normal to have an ongoing interest in sex throughout adult life. Like the young, older people experience the full range of human feelings and emotions. They, too, need love and affection.

Interest in, and capacity for sex, continues throughout life. Self-image, like no longer feeling attractive, can have an adverse effect, just don't believe the adverts that only portray the young and beautiful. It can also be affected, of course, by illness, aches and pains, complications of surgical procedures and other physical problems that accompany the aging process.

Bear in mind that sexual intimacy in marriage is a lifelong process. Different forms of expression may be appropriate at different phases in the development of the relationship, in youth and old age, in times of stress and times of joy, during pregnancy, childbirth and child-rearing, during and after menopause, the list could go on and on.

Where pain or physical incapacity has limited certain types of sexual activity, it’s worth remembering that sexual intercourse per se is not necessarily the only option for physical intimacy. Touch, physical closeness, skin-to-skin contact, even intimate conversation can be extremely satisfying in the absence of other forms of sexual pleasure. At every stage of life, healthy attitudes toward marital sex should be characterised by candour, vulnerability, flexibility, and willingness to communicate.
 
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I would say my wife and I are intimate although she doesn't enjoy sex as much as I do but we are intimate in other ways as well. While watching tv on the couch she will sometimes reach for my hand to hold or if she is busy doing something while I'm either on the computer or watching tv I stop what I am doing to see if I can be assistance to her.
 
Ron and I only recently married as many of you know. He’s mid 70’s and I’m almost 70. As @horseless carriage touched on, intimacy is a lifelong evolution.

Complete physical and emotional intimacy requires a willingness to be vulnerable and a deep level of trust which often takes many years to achieve. Ron and I haven’t had decades together, but our combined wisdom and experience, and a deep desire for complete transparency and authenticity in our marriage (both of which were impossible in our prior marriages) has made intimacy with each other not only possible but deeply meaningful.
 
Shero said:
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Passionate sex is great. A passionate marriage filled with passionate sex… so much better !

Sex is so important for mental health, that when it is missing it can result in neurotic behavior ( Psychiatric Times).
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I respectfully disagree, at least as a universal statement. Certainly sex CAN be important for emotional and mental health, but it depends very much on the individual.

It is difficult for couples when there is an imbalance in their individual desire for sex. Senior females’ desire particularly can be affected after menopause. It was for me. Ron and I joke about how my desire “flatlined” long before I met him, while his hasn’t, either in desire or function. That was something we had quite a few very frank and open conversations about. We’ve found compromises that we’re both comfortable with.

To circle back to the post I’m responding to, and the thread in general, I think folks have different definitions of “passionate.” Ron and I have a very passionate marriage in that our beliefs and feelings about each other and our relationship, and many of the things we do together, are intense and strong. The sex is fun, but not frequent and not particularly passionate.

The deep level of intimacy we share in our marriage isn’t dependent on the sexual content or frequency. it depends entirely on the authenticity and transparency between us, the vulnerability we show each other, and the high level of communication we have. We talk about everything, deeply and honestly.

But everyone is different. Our passions are different. What matters is that your passions and your partner’s balance each other.
 
katlupe said:
Intimacy is alive and well at most any age, if you desire it. I worked in nursing homes and many of the residents I cared for still desired it or were having it no matter their age. It really depends on your health condition and drugs you are taking.
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Yes! I agree with you 100% because I have been in assisted living for 20 years now 83 and I have a wonderful relationship with another resident and he is 70. We have other couples who met here. Inspiring to me my 93 year old friend found a love of her life with another resident and he was 90. Thank you for your post to inspire me as a new member as of today.
 
Emotional and mental attachment are definitely key to sustaining a relationship, especially as we age. Physical attachment is certainly wonderful and desired in a loving relationship. However, from a medical perspective, both genders have limitations that can affect the ability to enjoy traditional lovemaking, as we know it to be. For men, there's erectile dysfunction. For women, there's ******l dryness. These medical conditions are just part of the normal aging process. The couple is always welcome to explore and experiment on ways to work around it. (y)
 
dseag2 said:
I guess it depends on how long you have been together. My partner is a sweet, handsome guy but we have been together for over 30 years. We still love love each other immensely, but the physical attachment wears off and the mental attachment grows.
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I agree. We have been married for 46 years and living together even longer. We are both very much in love with each other still, and enjoy intimacy in our relationship, although not quite the same frequency as in our younger years. However, our bond is solid and strong, which is very comforting as we get older.
 
My wife and I have been married for almost 52 years now. My physical desire for her is still very strong, although she is a lot harder for me to catch, than it used to be. All joking aside, we are still very intimate both mentally and physically. Not as much as when we were dating, but just as strong a desire for each other. Unfortunately, over the last few years I have had some male physical issues that stopped me from having traditional relations. Recent advancements in treatment options have solved that issue. It is now not medication (headache), or injections (ouch), it is something like sound waves...guys, see your doctor if you are having problems.... this new treatment is amazing!
 
Timewise 60+ said:
My wife and I have been married for almost 52 years now. My physical desire for her is still very strong, although she is a lot harder for me to catch, than it used to be. All joking aside, we are still very intimate both mentally and physically. Not as much as when we were dating, but just as strong a desire for each other. Unfortunately, over the last few years I have had some male physical issues that stopped me from having traditional relations. Recent advancements in treatment options have solved that issue. It is now not medication (headache), or injections (ouch), it is something like sound waves...guys, see your doctor if you are having problems.... this new treatment is amazing!
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Sound waves? And how would that affect someone with heart medications and pacemakers?
 
Ronni said:
I respectfully disagree, at least as a universal statement. Certainly sex CAN be important for emotional and mental health, but it depends very much on the individual.

It is difficult for couples when there is an imbalance in their individual desire for sex. Senior females’ desire particularly can be affected after menopause. It was for me. Ron and I joke about how my desire “flatlined” long before I met him, while his hasn’t, either in desire or function. That was something we had quite a few very frank and open conversations about. We’ve found compromises that we’re both comfortable with.

To circle back to the post I’m responding to, and the thread in general, I think folks have different definitions of “passionate.” Ron and I have a very passionate marriage in that our beliefs and feelings about each other and our relationship, and many of the things we do together, are intense and strong. The sex is fun, but not frequent and not particularly passionate.

The deep level of intimacy we share in our marriage isn’t dependent on the sexual content or frequency. it depends entirely on the authenticity and transparency between us, the vulnerability we show each other, and the high level of communication we have. We talk about everything, deeply and honestly.

But everyone is different. Our passions are different. What matters is that your passions and your partner’s balance each other.
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I appreciate your point of view and yes, when speaking of “passion”, it can mean different things to different people. My husband and I have been married for 40 years and are both French, we are passionate about everything: food, sex, travel, sailing etc etc etc !!

When it comes though to mental health and sex, I think I am correct in agreeing with the Psychiatric Times and all the studies done on this subject. You will notice that I did use the word “can” when speaking of mental health and sex which means I do accept there are different strokes for different folks!

That is not to say, people cannot live without sex, however, it is certainly one of the predominant factors that holds most marriages together. Now that we are speaking frankly… I can live without sex if I have to because I am one of those women who has to be in love to enjoy sex. Fortunately for me, even after 40 years my husband and I are still deeply in love.

Statistics show that it is not money that causes most breakups, it is the absence of sex. One partner loses interest and the other does not. I personally believe this state of affairs can only be surmountable, if the marriage is of long standing and the couple share a deep understanding of each other and this does not happen overnight. It happens with years of shared experiences, interests and so much more.

Having said all that, it is nice to know that all’s well for you and your partner and thank you for being so open and frank!
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katlupe said:
Sound waves? And how would that affect someone with heart medications and pacemakers?
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Would absolutely not affect them at all, it is localized, and no drugs are involved, it is a long way from the heart, so to speak. But to be sure ask your doctor. Now I cannot say what the risk would be after the treatments, when you rediscover 'how sweet it is' if you know what I mean...
 
I was reminded of this one:

An 86-year-old man was having his annual checkup. He bragged to the doctor: "Hey, doc. I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child. How 'bout that?"
The doctor thought for a moment & said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a skilled hunter but one day he left home in a hurry & accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. Later that day, he came face-to-face with a huge Grizzly Bear. He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear & squeezed the handle. And the bear immediately fell to the ground & died.
"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," said the doctor.
 
You've heard of use it or lose it. I lost it from lack of use. Lube and estrogen won't bring it back.

I still feel desire, and would like to love someone and be physically intimate. It's frustrating.

It's been years since anyone has shown any interest though. So the less I think about it the better.
 
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