Let Things Lie

hearlady

hearlady

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So many times there are the inevitable squabbles that come with participating in a forum with so many different people from so many cultures and values. I think it's fine, in fact I love the (usually) healthy debate.
One thing we have in common is that we're seniors. Most people at this point have wisdom and common sense.
So, when there is a squabble and it dies down and people get back to the discussion, why oh why must someone always come back in with a comment even in support of a poster? Just let it go. Its over (or so we thought.)
I'm not lecturing, I'm requesting. I won't respond to comments on this thread. I won't debate.
I won't reply, I'll let it lie.
 
If I see someone attacked, I may say something. I don't want anyone to feel bad because of a post. I've posted several times in defense of myself. One over a benign mask comment which unleashed a reply about people who are dealing with war and I'm whining about a mask. Well I've never experienced war but was raised by a mentally ill woman who lived through the Dresden bombings (she should have died), so don't lecture me about war.

And admittedly I whine a lot.
 
Remy said:
If I see someone attacked, I may say something. I don't want anyone to feel bad because of a post. I've posted several times in defense of myself. One over a benign mask comment which unleashed a reply about people who are dealing with war and I'm whining about a mask. Well I've never experienced war but was raised by a mentally ill woman who lived through the Dresden bombings (she should have died), so don't lecture me about war.

And admittedly I whine a lot.
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I feel for you in what you're saying about your experiences above, I really do ♥, but this is the exact opposite of what the OP is asking for.



EDIT: Added a heart.
 
hearlady said:
So many times there are the inevitable squabbles that come with participating in a forum with so many different people from so many cultures and values. I think it's fine, in fact I love the (usually) healthy debate.
One thing we have in common is that we're seniors. Most people at this point have wisdom and common sense.
So, when there is a squabble and it dies down and people get back to the discussion, why oh why must someone always come back in with a comment even in support of a poster? Just let it go. Its over (or so we thought.)
I'm not lecturing, I'm requesting. I won't respond to comments on this thread. I won't debate.
I won't reply, I'll let it lie.
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I feel this way too about most disagreements here, most of the time. I can get into a tangle with someone here over an issue and once it's done, it's done and have no trouble "liking" or giving positive feedback to the same member on another thread.

Maybe the urge to keep bringing things up when they're basically over is about a need to press a personal point or lingering pain over feeling insulted or something similar. Maybe some people just like to argue or have to feel they've won.

I agree, in any event, when it's over it's over so let it be over.
 
Most of the time you see this when a lot of posters have an opposite view to one poster. So the one poster does let it lie.

Then someone jumps in and agrees with the one poster and so emboldens them to get right back into the fray, then another joins and the whole things starts over again.

Then Matrix jumps in and does his thing. End of story or it should be.

BUT

Then sometimes it just gets rolled over into yet another thread. Round and round we go.
 
I stood up for a couple of others on another thread earlier this month who were being attacked for their posts. Like a majority of threads, this one had evolved & expanded as it went along, as that's natural for many conversations. Only one individual took offense to what one said & wasn't at all pleasant in their response. A second poster asked a question to the upset individual & then they were added to the diatribe. Neither of the two members deserved it.

I'm willing to stand up to others who didn't do anything improper & do it respectfully. I also appreciate it when it's been done for me. Is it wrong or bad help someone else? It doesn't always mean it will keep it going.

No one should have the intent on being offensive on purpose to keep or to keep the pot stirred, but neither should anyone be in fear of not able to talk freely. We should all be able be to discuss different things whether you agree or not.

With that said, should we only allow bullies/offended people to decide on the content or the direction of a conversation?

At any time, any one of us may post something that is clear to us as we type it, but may not be clear to others as they read it. So, instead of asking what someone meant, another person will go off on the poster based on assumptions or gratuitous assumptions made by themselves (the reader). Several times I've had to re-read what someone wrote because it wasn't clear & I had to decipher their message. That just happens sometimes.

Also, if you desire your thread to go only in a certain direction, please set your guidelines in advance. Guidelines or not, do not get upset with others if it's not what you wish to hear.

I like to have discussions & learn what others think. I've learned from others who don't agree as well as others who do, but came about their decisions from another direction.

If we can't express our opinions or thoughts on various topics, then why do we even have this forum?

JUST MY THOUGHTS!
 
Lilac said:
I stood up for a couple of others on another thread earlier this month who were being attacked for their posts. Like a majority of threads, this one had evolved & expanded as it went along, as that's natural for many conversations. Only one individual took offense to what one said & wasn't at all pleasant in their response. A second poster asked a question to the upset individual & then they were added to the diatribe. Neither of the two members deserved it.

I'm willing to stand up to others who didn't do anything improper & do it respectfully. I also appreciate it when it's been done for me. Is it wrong or bad help someone else? It doesn't always mean it will keep it going.

No one should have the intent on being offensive on purpose to keep or to keep the pot stirred, but neither should anyone be in fear of not able to talk freely. We should all be able be to discuss different things whether you agree or not.

With that said, should we only allow bullies/offended people to decide on the content or the direction of a conversation?

At any time, any one of us may post something that is clear to us as we type it, but may not be clear to others as they read it. So, instead of asking what someone meant, another person will go off on the poster based on assumptions or gratuitous assumptions made by themselves (the reader). Several times I've had to re-read what someone wrote because it wasn't clear & I had to decipher their message. That just happens sometimes.

Also, if you desire your thread to go only in a certain direction, please set your guidelines in advance. Guidelines or not, do not get upset with others if it's not what you wish to hear.

I like to have discussions & learn what others think. I've learned from others who don't agree as well as others who do, but came about their decisions from another direction.

If we can't express our opinions or thoughts on various topics, then why do we even have this forum?

JUST MY THOUGHTS!
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I think you're right about being able to discuss varying opinions freely. As you say, why have a forum otherwise.
It's when it devolves into pointless, seemingly endless "bickering" that's a problem.
 
Medusa said:
I think you're right about being able to discuss varying opinions freely. As you say, why have a forum otherwise.
It's when it devolves into pointless, seemingly endless "bickering" that's a problem.
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I can't be doing with it. I have people on ignore who constantly tried to start fights with me.. and others... ..I have absolutely no qualms about keeping toxic people out of my life...
I have one 'fan' of mine who follows me around the forum making sarcastic comments or 'likes' to my posts.. how pathetic is that ?.. how childish ? .. you'd think if I pissed them off so much they would want to put me on ignore.. but no, obviously they love me and don't want to miss a single word ... :D
 
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hollydolly said:
I can't be doing with it. I have people on ignore who constantly tried to start fights with me.. and others... ..I have absolutely no qualms about keeping toxic people out of my life...
I have one 'fan' of mine who follows me around the forum making sarcastic comments or 'likes' to my posts.. how pathetic is that ?.. how childish ? .. you'd think if I pissed them off so much they would want to put me on ignore.. but no, obviously they love me and don't want o miss a single word ... :D
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I learned that after being told I am always wrong by one poster that the best thing is like you stated is put that poster on ignore which I did.
 
I think we all may have slightly different definitions of what is a squabble and what is a lively debate, or when a discussion is over and when people just went to bed and got up again, eager to continue talking about an interesting topic.

Is it a "discussion," so long as everyone agrees with you and a squabble when someone comes along with a different point of view?

Just because one person has decided the subject is over certainly doesn't mean everyone else has. If I'm tired of a subject I just don't click on that thread anymore, but if others still want to discuss it why can't they? There are a hundred other threads we can read.
 
Della said:
Is it a "discussion," so long as everyone agrees with you and a squabble when someone comes along with a different point of view?
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I think it's a discussion so long as new ideas or clarifications appear. And things stay friendly. Sometimes we just chatter or banter, which is fine too.

Its when things cross over into someone trying to get the last word, often with a not well thought out sound bite rather than logic, or when things start to get unfriendly that I feel like its a squabble. Sometimes one person's discussion is another's squabble.

Now, you damned well better agree with me! ;)
 
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DebraMae said:
It never fails to amaze me how several people can all look at the same thing and put so many of their own projections on it. I have seen several posts lately about people squabbling and every single time I have to ask myself, "what the heck are they talking about?"
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Same here DebraMae. This seems like a very calm friendly place to me -- until we have several people saying they're leaving because of all the meanies. Plus there's always someone complaining about all the "negativity" -- unaware of the irony.

I think if there's an over all problem it's too much junior hosting. I recently posted what I thought were encouraging words on a thread where a mother is worrying about her sick son and someone came along to tell me I shouldn't have said what I said, and then wrote two long posts about what was wrong with my words and why I shouldn't say it on that particular thread and what that thread should only be about.

I lost two night sleep over that and now it seems someone (me again? I can't tell for sure) has dared to continue a conversation that the OP thought should be over.

Can't we trust Matrix to make these rulings?
 
Della said:
Same here DebraMae. This seems like a very calm friendly place to me -- until we have several people saying they're leaving because of all the meanies. Plus there's always someone complaining about all the "negativity" -- unaware of the irony.

I think if there's an over all problem it's too much junior hosting. I recently posted what I thought were encouraging words on a thread where a mother is worrying about her sick son and someone came along to tell me I shouldn't have said what I said, and then wrote two long posts about what was wrong with my words and why I shouldn't say it on that particular thread and what that thread should only be about.

I lost two night sleep over that and now it seems someone (me again? I can't tell for sure) has dared to continue a conversation that the OP thought should be over.

Can't we trust Matrix to make these rulings?
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To me it seems it's not just the younger generation who are the permanently offended, it seems to have crept into a few Oldies too... let them be, don't pander to them if you feel you've done nothing to make them offended, it's their problem not yours.

The mistake we make on any forum is to imagine everyone is sane.. many are not.. so if someone in real life who is clearly not in their right mind space, verbally attacked you over a view you hold..which is a perfectly normal view.. you wouldn't lose sleep over it..so don't be allowing it to happen to you here ! We all know and we all can see who cause the problems..
 
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oldaunt said:
should we only allow bullies/offended people to decide on the content or the direction of a conversation?
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Of course not. I know I am not easily offended, and have not been here. And I sure hope I'm no bully, please if anyone thinks I am let me know. But I do sometimes post a lot and contribute content.
oldaunt said:
A few seem to have high opinions of their importance...
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Some of us are pretty important, legends in our own minds anyway, LOL.

Actually I don't believe anyone here is any more important than anyone else. Some are more vocal, and I agree with some more than others. Doesn't make them any more or less important.
 
Why does a toxic person call other people toxic when they are clearly the toxic ones?

Basically, the idea is to accuse others of the poor behaviour one possesses so as to cause those claiming they are toxic to focus on others instead of themselves. This works with those who can be easily lead but does not with self-aware humans.

The toxic person will point out others as toxic so their poor behaviour is no longer focused on.

They are not aware of their toxicity and don't have the self awareness of their toxic behaviour. When they encounter people whose behaviour is different from theirs, instead of looking into themselves, they often look outside and blame them.
In their mind, it is others' fault and they should change.
 
Jamala said:
Why does a toxic person call other people toxic when they are clearly the toxic ones?

Basically, the idea is to accuse others of the poor behaviour one possesses so as to cause those claiming they are toxic to focus on others instead of themselves. This works with those who can be easily lead but does not with self-aware humans.

The toxic person will point out others as toxic so their poor behaviour is no longer focused on.

They are not aware of their toxicity and don't have the self awareness of their toxic behaviour. When they encounter people whose behaviour is different from theirs, instead of looking into themselves, they often look outside and blame them.
In their mind, it is others' fault and they should change.
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It is their lack of self realization, my opinion!
 
Jamala said:
Why does a toxic person call other people toxic when they are clearly the toxic ones?

Basically, the idea is to accuse others of the poor behaviour one possesses so as to cause those claiming they are toxic to focus on others instead of themselves. This works with those who can be easily lead but does not with self-aware humans.

The toxic person will point out others as toxic so their poor behaviour is no longer focused on.

They are not aware of their toxicity and don't have the self awareness of their toxic behaviour. When they encounter people whose behaviour is different from theirs, instead of looking into themselves, they often look outside and blame them.
In their mind, it is others' fault and they should change.
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Have you heard the meme:

"I love it when toxic people stop talking to me.
It's like the trash took itself out."
 
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