After all these years, what are your thoughts on the concept of marriage?

bobcat

bobcat

Well-known Member
Location
Northern Calif
So here is the dilemma:
It seems to go against basic human nature to desire the same thing day after day, and year after year.
We may love hot fudge sundaes, but to have one every day for the rest of our life is not so appealing.
We may love a song, but to listen to the same one over and over every day would drive you crazy.
That same notion is why we redecorate, or change hair style.
It seems human nature desires variety to keep life interesting.
Why would we think being with the same person everyday is different?
Which is possibly why marriage takes work to keep the spark alive, or time apart.

On the other hand, it seems to be necessary for raising children, buying a home, and combining income for a more stable life.
But about half of marriages end in divorce, and nearly the other half have probably come close or wanted to strangle each other at times.
What are your thoughts?
 

bobcat48 said:
On the other hand, it seems to be necessary for raising children, buying a home, and combining income for a more stable life.
But about half of marriages end in divorce, and nearly the other half have probably come close or wanted to strangle each other at times.
What are your thoughts?
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One does not need marriage for raising children.
One does not need marriage for buying a home.
One does not need marriage for a stable life.
Love is what is needed for marriage.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
 
Jamala said:
One does not need marriage for raising children.
One does not need marriage for buying a home.
One does not need marriage for a stable life.
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No, but it helps. Things are changing, until not so long ago marriage was necessary for those things.
bobcat48 said:
It seems to go against basic human nature to desire the same thing day after day, and year after year.
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Truth to that, however I do believe our nature is to be at least serial monogamous, for much of our lives. Something that comes from being a species with a long childhood. For most of our existence two parents were more likely to have children survive to reproduce than one.
 

I remember a book from many years ago called "Marriage is a Loving Business". The theory was that each person must benefit, or profit, from the relationship. If not, then it is not a viable marriage.

I would have to say I believe humans are more suited to "serial" monogamy.
 
I'll just say I married young and we were married for 47 years before he died. You wouldn't believe me if I told you how much determination, hard work and tending to little things, how many prayers, how many times you will have to go more than 50% of the way and so will he, how much you will put up with or how glad you will be someday that you made that effort and made it over and over and over. You wouldn't believe how many times love is not the most important thing, at least not the kind of love that brought you together.

Commitment matters more and so does character when you are in for the long haul.

But you will have so many good times and good memories if you make that effort. And you will laugh later about many of the harder times. But, just know love is not enough, it's essential but it's not enough and that love will change many times and in many ways through the years.
 
Alligatorob said:
No, but it helps. Things are changing, until not so long ago marriage was necessary for those things.

Truth to that, however I do believe our nature is to be at least serial monogamous, for much of our lives. Something that comes from being a species with a long childhood. For most of our existence two parents were more likely to have children survive to reproduce than one.
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Ever heard the saying "it takes a village to look after a child?"
In some cultures, the parents and grandparents take over the show.
 
Both my wife and I agreed to divorce after 19 years. Needing variety in life was not the issue. We weren't that good of a match as we first thought. While my marriage didn't last, I still think there are many parts of marriage that are worth the effort. If you love each other, there is a lot of comfort that goes with that. If you don't love each other, well then it seems you've got some decisions to make. But I can't tell anyone what that decision should be.
 
Here in Canada if you shack up for six months you are considered a spouse. So the blessing of a marriage commitment is a moot point.

It is said you do not really know a person till you commit to marriage :rolleyes:

Going through some stuff of Paul's after his death made me realize something about him leading me to believe if I had known then what I know now I would have never have taken that step. So you don't really know a person marriage or not.
 
It seems to go against basic human nature to desire the same thing day after day, and year after year.

I think it does but the comparison is IMO flawed. When it comes to desiring change I can't speak for others but for me I know each day has brought something different. That difference could be good or bad it's all in how you adjust to whatever it might be.
 
Finding it strange to speak of marriage but not of love.
On earth, marriage is temporal and was needed in the past to help each other survive this life.
In my Grandma's age, raising and feeding five children in the plains of Montana, YES,
marriage was a necessity.

The depth of feeling we refer to as true love differs completely from the bondage of marriage.
When each soul is made into a higher being, the institution of marriage won't be needed,
unless the two choose to give to each other in all measure of devotion.

it's not marriage we seek; it's more a social act with a varied depth of feelings, a rising of
emotions, a comforting togetherness, an adoration of another being and a treasuring of
the self when in the presence of this being. But this is a LOVE, not a social act of bondage.

it isn't your main purpose on earth to be with another soul.
Your purpose is to evolve the soul. Marriage is man-made. One can marry and divorce
many times, have multiple spouses, a haram; whatever your tradition allows. Love is eternal,
infinite. It's LOVE all of us seek, not binding someone to us for all our life.
 
oldaunt said:
IF people actually thought it through and ACTUALLY held to the commitment, it can be a good thing. Very few people these days are actually mature enough to do that though. Odd isn't it. that MANY animal species mate for life and are faithful.....
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Perhaps many animal species mate for life because they don't do all the stupid stuff that humans do, so far less issues to deal with.
 
Funny how my thoughts on marriage have changed over the years. I used to think of all those that failed ... people should be more choosy or really find the "right" one ........ NOW i am amazed at those who just stay because people change and with two people changing throughout the years....... feelings can change as well.

Jamala said:
“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
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this may be a true statement...... to keep falling in love with the Same but new person the both slowly become....
 
Gaer said:
Finding it strange to speak of marriage but not of love.
On earth, marriage is temporal and was needed in the past to help each other survive this life.
In my Grandma's age, raising and feeding five children in the plains of Montana, YES,
marriage was a necessity.

The depth of feeling we refer to as true love differs completely from the bondage of marriage.
When each soul is made into a higher being, the institution of marriage won't be needed,
unless the two choose to give to each other in all measure of devotion.

it's not marriage we seek; it's more a social act with a varied depth of feelings, a rising of
emotions, a comforting togetherness, an adoration of another being and a treasuring of
the self when in the presence of this being. But this is a LOVE, not a social act of bondage.

it isn't your main purpose on earth to be with another soul.
Your purpose is to evolve the soul. Marriage is man-made. One can marry and divorce
many times, have multiple spouses, a haram; whatever your tradition allows. Love is eternal,
infinite. It's LOVE all of us seek, not binding someone to us for all our life.
Click to expand...
Good points. I remember studying some time back about "emotional nakedness". We most often go through life with masks on. Our true self is hidden behind that mask, even often in marriage. It seems we do so because we fear that if others knew the real "us" inside, they wouldn't approve, or would not like us. Emotional nakedness is an act of conscious removal of all masks. Many have concerns about physically being naked in front of another because they are self-conscious about their body, but again, it is for the same reason. We haven't accepted ourselves, and therefore fear others won't as well.
I remember a scene from the movie Avatar where the female (Neytiri) looked at Jake with a deep gaze and said "I see you", meaning that she could see his soul, the real person inside.
I think when two people make love, it is sex, but when two souls make love, it is a whole different level. If a relationship has that soul merging, it is stellar.
 
Jamala said:
One does not need marriage for raising children.
One does not need marriage for buying a home.
One does not need marriage for a stable life.
Love is what is needed for marriage.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.”
Click to expand...
When going through challenging times, commitment is the glue that sees couples through to better times. I take my marriage vows seriously and that is just one reason why our union has lasted.
 
I have to agree that you really don’t know a person even if you’ve lived with them more than half your life.

I’m in a common law relationship of almost 34 years. I’m locked into our retirement funds and share joint ownership of our house.

For years there have been things I’ve questioned throughout this relationship that have plagued me. I’d question them and been left feeling like I’ve merely misunderstood some things.

My husband worked most of the time and did shift work so I actually didn’t see him much and it wasn’t until he retired that I truly discovered who he really is and the truth almost sank me.

Some people carry such deep dark secrets within that are too painful to accept that they create a pretentious persona in hopes of throwing others off. If anyone happens to get close to that truth, they explode in aggressive denial.

If you are going to successfully live with another person in a loving, lasting relationship then honesty has to be shared. If there is no honesty, there is no trust. If there is no trust, there is no relationship worth investing in.

If I had known before , what I know NOW, I wouldn’t have even considered this so called marriage and certainly not invested the time and energy into it.
 
I have often wondered why people choose not to get married. Does one or the other see something in a potential partner that makes them not want to be in it for the long haul. And then habit takes over and habits die hard after a time.

I married cause my grandma's voice was in my ear with the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I have to agree that you really don’t know a person even if you’ve lived with them more than half your life.

I’m in a common law relationship of almost 34 years. I’m locked into our retirement funds and share joint ownership of our house.

For years there have been things I’ve questioned throughout this relationship that have plagued me. I’d question them and been left feeling like I’ve merely misunderstood some things.

My husband worked most of the time and did shift work so I actually didn’t see him much and it wasn’t until he retired that I truly discovered who he really is and the truth almost sank me.

Some people carry such deep dark secrets within that are too painful to accept that they create a pretentious persona in hopes of throwing others off. If anyone happens to get close to that truth, they explode in aggressive denial.

If you are going to successfully live with another person in a loving, lasting relationship then honesty has to be shared. If there is no honesty, there is no trust. If there is no trust, there is no relationship worth investing in.

If I had known before , what I know NOW, I wouldn’t have even considered this so called marriage and certainly not invested the time and energy into it.
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Yeah, a woman can't change a man because she loves him. A man changes himself because he loves her. If he is too defensive to look inside and consider that he may need changing, there isn't much that can be done. I have two sisters that have been in the same situation for over 50 years, and neither husband has changed (One just passed away). They have made the best they could of the situation, but neither one has been a happy marriage.
 
I think the ancient Egyptians might have come up with a solution. At this point in history, men and women were equal. If two people wanted to get "married", they picked up their stuff and moved in together. Then, if things changed, and one wanted a "divorce", they just gathered their stuff up and moved out. In most instances, the 'exes' didn't move to a far off city, they lived down the street. So, kids weren't torn apart.
 
Lee said:
I have often wondered why people choose not to get married. Does one or the other see something in a potential partner that makes them not want to be in it for the long haul. And then habit takes over and habits die hard after a time.

I married cause my grandma's voice was in my ear with the old saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"
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I think in marriage there is an understanding of mutual ownership. It essentially says, "Even though sometimes I may not like you, or even want to be around you, I don't want anyone else to have you either". It's a strange paradox.
Some people even have an "open marriage", but that makes me wonder why get married at all. Just date or be friends with benefits.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I think the ancient Egyptians might have come up with a solution. At this point in history, men and women were equal. If two people wanted to get "married", they picked up their stuff and moved in together. Then, if things changed, and one wanted a "divorce", they just gathered their stuff up and moved out. In most instances, the 'exes' didn't move to a far off city, they lived down the street. So, kids weren't torn apart.
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My wife (Now passed) and I lived together for 6 years before marriage. She asked me why I was waiting, and my reply was that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. But after 6 years, I figured it probably wouldn't.
I will say this though, that people change as time goes by. Some become more cynical, some more set in their ways, some become religious or political, and some prefer a different lifestyle that one you like. It can be a real challenge to accept some of those things. I think that long after the honeymoon phase has passed, it often becomes just getting accustomed to the other being there. It's more of a companionship thing. That being said, some people are lucky enough to enjoy many of the same things, agree on much of the same, and are actually best of friends. Probably not the norm, but it happens.
 
chic said:
IDK. Trust is the foundation of any good, lasting relationship so if you meet someone be you can trust implicitly I understand wanting to be with this person forever if that makes sense.
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I think you're right. I do believe that trust is earned, which takes time to establish. Perhaps living together for a time is wise to discover if that person is someone you could trust your life to, before making any marriage commitment.
 
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