Do some parents set unrealistic expectations?

R

Rose65

Well-known Member
Location
United Kingdom
You know when parents tell their kids that they can be anything they like, that there is no limit to achievement.

Is this a myth that could do more harm than good? The odds are pretty high that this sets them up for failure, disappointment and depression.

After all, the vast majority of people are mediocre, average, no real talent at all. Which is why the stars among us shine so brightly, because they are so rare.

It's surely better to be realistic, tell a child their best is always good enough and that they are loved no matter what.
 

So your are telling them they should settle?
I would never put the words 'failure, disappointment and depression' in my kids head....never
They can be whatever they want as long as they work for it and have a passion for success.
We, as adults need to show them that path of being passionate at what they choose to do. rewarding, fulfilling, passionate, are the words we should use, no matter what our station in life presents to us. We should lead by example.
I let my boys know were we came from. Poor as dirt, me and my sister use to go through peoples garbage looking for can labels and box tops, so my mother could get 25 cent, 50 cent refunds so we could buy food. Our clothes came from Goodwill, Salvation Army. My schooling ended at 8th grade so I could go work in mills to help the family. Now at 67, I'm leaving a great career helping company senior executives create and sustain risk mitigation strategies around the globe. I made more money than I would ever spend, Money was only the scorecard, not the driver to work harder, I say all this because children can be whatever they want no matter where they start, as long as they start.
And never, never, associate a level of love with what they choose to do with their lives. That should always be a given.
 
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I suppose I am saying keep it realistic.
I have seen very average children being encouraged to extend themselves far beyond their ability.
One person sent his daughter to expensive private schools but she didn't do anything as she was just not academic. He himself says he wasted his money.
There is another side to it, not everyone is going to excel.
 
Rose65 said:
I suppose I am saying keep it realistic.
I have seen very average children being encouraged to extend themselves far beyond their ability.
One person sent his daughter to expensive private schools but she didn't do anything as she was just not academic. He himself says he wasted his money.
There is another side to it, not everyone is going to excel.
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The only way someone reaches their true potential is to extend themselves into 'uncharted waters'. Children that push themselves do fail, but they learn from their failures, and don't make the same mistake twice. Many times, people never know the extent they can achieve unless they try. Yes, it is easier to give up and plateau at a comfort level.
The excitement in life comes from pushing yourself into the unknown.

Ricky Gervais said, "I could live without success, but I couldn't live without trying"​

​

 
Rose65 said:
You know when parents tell their kids that they can be anything they like, that there is no limit to achievement.

Is this a myth that could do more harm than good? The odds are pretty high that this sets them up for failure, disappointment and depression.

After all, the vast majority of people are mediocre, average, no real talent at all. Which is why the stars among us shine so brightly, because they are so rare.

It's surely better to be realistic, tell a child their best is always good enough and that they are loved no matter what.
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I kind of see where you're going with this.
What if a child wants to be average?
They can certainly be whatever they want if they want it. What if they don't want it?
 
One of the most cruel things that many black U.S. parents do is encourage their kids to THINK that they are going to be the next big sports star, or the next big music star, or the next big whatever. Meanwhile the kid has little to no talent in any of those things. The same for the white boys whose Canadian parents push them towards hockey. For every ONE 17 year old boy ( like Connor Bedard ) who is drafted by a NHL team, there are THOUSANDS who will never get there in a month of Sundays. It is the Parents dream, not the kid's dream.

A motto in the locker room of a Ontario C division hockey team...........Don't TELL me how good you are, SHOW me how good you are. JimB.
 
As jimintoronto so rightly puts it, "It is the Parents dream, not the kid's dream." My mother tried to push me in certain directions I didn't want to go and I'm sure it was for HER satisfaction, not mine. I tried to please her, but little seemed to work and I regretted trying. I ended up with a job I liked where I was well paid and was modestly successful (if a tad lazy). I don't think she was impressed, but then again, she had no idea what a software developer was.
 
Rose65 said:
I suppose I am saying keep it realistic.
I have seen very average children being encouraged to extend themselves far beyond their ability.
One person sent his daughter to expensive private schools but she didn't do anything as she was just not academic. He himself says he wasted his money.
There is another side to it, not everyone is going to excel.
Click to expand...
Wellā€¦ I went to private schools from day one. There are other things one learns at a private school other than ā€œbeing academic!ā€ This father is a prize jackass!
 
Rose65 said:
I suppose I am saying keep it realistic.
I have seen very average children being encouraged to extend themselves far beyond their ability.
One person sent his daughter to expensive private schools but she didn't do anything as she was just not academic. He himself says he wasted his money.
There is another side to it, not everyone is going to excel.
Click to expand...
I was thinking about this very thing this morning. I was wondering if the interests/hobbies/things we loved to do when we growing up became our profession.? I tried to make music playing my career. Then I found I didn't like it because the more money I made the more restricted my choices of what to play increased. I quit because it was not what I loved anymore.
I taught my children to develop what they love to do, and try to find a profession that supported it. My daughter got close, but my son has ended up with keeping his love as a hobby. Above all I loved them, and disciplined them when necessary ( no capital punishment ). I always encouraged them to do what made them happy.
How many of us followed our dreams to include them in our profession? Maybe those dreams are pie in the sky. Most of us probably sacrificed our innate dreams to something to make a living. Is this what we should pass on to our children?
 
fuzzybuddy said:
What parents want to say to their child, " Tough luck, kid, you're too stupid, too unmotivated, and too untalented to amount to a hill of beans". It's your child's expectations that matter, not the parents'.
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Yes, but
How can a child have high expectations if they are beaten down by their own parents? It's possible, of course, but not bloody likely in that scenario.
 
Pepper said:
Yes, but
How can a child have high expectations if they are beaten down by their own parents? It's possible, of course, but not bloody likely in that scenario.
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Yes, thats true but, I'm not sure its being 'beaten down by their own parents'. As we grow older and go through life phases, parents project their 'current' views on us from their perspective of an older, more risk adverse, grown up. What they don't realize is their children are at a different life phase, should be encouraged to take more risks.
Some parents have a difficult time separating themselves from the discussion when a child looks to them for help.
Many times when talking finance with my boys I start by making the distention that my views 'today' , as an older person are much different from what they should do because of our different life phases. I'll explain why I choose to invest the way I do because I'm old. Then I tell them if I were their age, what I would do. This gives them the two perspectives. one that will help them now, and when they get to the sunsetting years how to adjust their views.

I still remember the image in my mind when my mother told me I was crazy to quit working in the scissor factory in the city. She said I should be grateful I had a job and not quit. That was the moment I realized we were on two different paths and mine was the right one. I didn't see her view as negative, but coming from her older perspective and what her life stage made her feel comfortable with.
I knew what she didn't and set my own course.
 
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Sippican said:
Yes, thats true but, I'm not sure its being 'beaten down by their own parents'. As we grow older and go through life phases, parents project their 'current' views on us from their perspective of an older, more risk adverse, grown up. What they don't realize is their children are at a different life phase, should be encouraged to take more risks.
Some parents have a difficult time separating themselves from the discussion when a child looks to them for help.
Many times when talking finance with my boys I start by making the distention that my views 'today' , as an older person are much different from what they should do because of our different life phases. I'll explain why I choose to invest the way I do because I'm old. Then I tell them if I were their age, what I would do. This gives them the two perspectives. one that will help them now, and when they get to the sunsetting years how to adjust their views.
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Can you be MY Dad ? :sneaky: šŸ˜„
 
My parents expected a lot and I delivered a lot before it nearly killed me. I quit and did something less stressful but perhaps less for them to be proud of too? IDK. I don't have kids, but have BF's grandkids. If I did have kids, I would try to offer more support and understanding than my parents offered me.
 
My older brother may have been a different person altogether, if my dad hadn't pushed him into electronics and engineering. He developed an ulcer in his teens, that speaks volumes in my view.
My parents divorced when I was 12, so they were each in survival mode, I was left to find my own way, which I did.
I vowed not to be one of those parents that tries to make their kids into little robots, little sculptured images of themselves. I wanted them to grow up without that burden, but instead that they would discover who they wanted to be, and be that.
 
I think ambition must come from within.
Yes encourage and support them if they are determined and actually have a talent, but be careful if it is pie in the sky.

I'm afraid allowing a child to think they will become an astronaut or play for England or be a pop star is usually unrealistic. The path is too hard for most.

There is nothing wrong in encouraging a young person to get a sensible job and make the most of it, as millions must. Most of us do jobs we must, in order to live and pay the bills. That's the reality for the vast majority.
 
Jamala said:
Wellā€¦ I went to private schools from day one. There are other things one learns at a private school other than ā€œbeing academic!ā€ This father is a prize jackass!
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Well, he wanted her to succeed but she just did not have the brain. He had money and tried - at least he's honest about it. No matter how much you love your kids, they sometimes just are not going to be successful
 
Rose65 said:
Well, he wanted her to succeed but she just did not have the brain. He had money and tried - at least he's honest about it. No matter how much you love your kids, they sometimes just are not going to be successful
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Success never lies in just one direction. Acedemics is only one road. Father is STILL a jackass.
 

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