The Truth about Family

VaughanJB

VaughanJB

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There is a pervasive view that blood is thicker than water, family is all important, and that family can be a salvation. In a recent thread I saw a comment saying being cared for by family is better than a hired help. I wanted to riff on that for a moment.

I'm one of three children. My father has passed, my mother is still with us. The whole blood is thicker view simply doesn't apply to me. I have very little interaction with my family, and ultimately it's by design. My family is not a haven, they're the last people I'd ever ask for help, and quite honestly, I don't understand them. My mother could not care less what I'm doing and what is happening to me (and yes, this is evidence based, not just an opinion). I don't like my brother, and my sister is very remote.

In short, family - as in blood related - is a complete fail. I'm not going to lay blame, although I will say it's about events. They don't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with them. I'd be happy dying in a room on my own, before I ever reached out.

Not all families are worth saving. Family members sometimes can't be forgiven. Sometimes you cross the bridge, and burn it down behind you. When I read about how important family is, I feel a little disconnected. I know the theory, but the reality is there are a lot of families that are dysfunctional.

When my father was ill, I would visit him in the hospital. I'd sit there for four hours or more. We'd talk, but it was stupid stuff. What I wanted, to be honest, was an apology, or at the very least some reasoning for his behavior. I gave him every opportunity to put things right. He didn't do that, and so he passed with a lot unsaid. I'm okay with that. I don't worry about it now. He's gone, so closure won't ever happen. You come to terms with knowing it won't ever be resolved.

My mother shows no signs of wanting to talk. That's fine. I move on. But I would say, it's worth remembering that everyone in your life, EVERYONE, has to earn their place there. If they do something you don't like, or don't agree with, they don't get a pass because you're related. We have our own journeys in this life, and we shouldn't be afraid of embracing that, even if it leads away from family.

I'm pretty sure they would say the same about me.
 

Our society has many "myths." A lot of it comes from movies. People like to believe in the myths. It makes them feel better. I guess if you believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy, you will probably believe in almost anything. I can't say anymore due to censorship but I'm sure you can come up with your own list of myths.

Where I live there is an election coming up next month. Man, you should heard the myths that are being talked about by the parties that want to get elected. They are promising us the moon and all the stars. Apparently money is no problem as it grows on our trees! Ha, ha, ha! Pure myth but a lot of folks sure believe in them but not me!
 
VaughanJB said:
There is a pervasive view that blood is thicker than water, family is all important, and that family can be a salvation. In a recent thread I saw a comment saying being cared for by family is better than a hired help. I wanted to riff on that for a moment.

I'm one of three children. My father has passed, my mother is still with us. The whole blood is thicker view simply doesn't apply to me. I have very little interaction with my family, and ultimately it's by design. My family is not a haven, they're the last people I'd ever ask for help, and quite honestly, I don't understand them. My mother could not care less what I'm doing and what is happening to me (and yes, this is evidence based, not just an opinion). I don't like my brother, and my sister is very remote.

In short, family - as in blood related - is a complete fail. I'm not going to lay blame, although I will say it's about events. They don't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with them. I'd be happy dying in a room on my own, before I ever reached out.

Not all families are worth saving. Family members sometimes can't be forgiven. Sometimes you cross the bridge, and burn it down behind you. When I read about how important family is, I feel a little disconnected. I know the theory, but the reality is there are a lot of families that are dysfunctional.

When my father was ill, I would visit him in the hospital. I'd sit there for four hours or more. We'd talk, but it was stupid stuff. What I wanted, to be honest, was an apology, or at the very least some reasoning for his behavior. I gave him every opportunity to put things right. He didn't do that, and so he passed with a lot unsaid. I'm okay with that. I don't worry about it now. He's gone, so closure won't ever happen. You come to terms with knowing it won't ever be resolved.

My mother shows no signs of wanting to talk. That's fine. I move on. But I would say, it's worth remembering that everyone in your life, EVERYONE, has to earn their place there. If they do something you don't like, or don't agree with, they don't get a pass because you're related. We have our own journeys in this life, and we shouldn't be afraid of embracing that, even if it leads away from family.

I'm pretty sure they would say the same about me.
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Great post; thanks for sharing.
 
VaughanJB said:
There is a pervasive view that blood is thicker than water, family is all important, and that family can be a salvation. In a recent thread I saw a comment saying being cared for by family is better than a hired help. I wanted to riff on that for a moment.

I'm one of three children. My father has passed, my mother is still with us. The whole blood is thicker view simply doesn't apply to me. I have very little interaction with my family, and ultimately it's by design. My family is not a haven, they're the last people I'd ever ask for help, and quite honestly, I don't understand them. My mother could not care less what I'm doing and what is happening to me (and yes, this is evidence based, not just an opinion). I don't like my brother, and my sister is very remote.

In short, family - as in blood related - is a complete fail. I'm not going to lay blame, although I will say it's about events. They don't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with them. I'd be happy dying in a room on my own, before I ever reached out.

Not all families are worth saving. Family members sometimes can't be forgiven. Sometimes you cross the bridge, and burn it down behind you. When I read about how important family is, I feel a little disconnected. I know the theory, but the reality is there are a lot of families that are dysfunctional.

When my father was ill, I would visit him in the hospital. I'd sit there for four hours or more. We'd talk, but it was stupid stuff. What I wanted, to be honest, was an apology, or at the very least some reasoning for his behavior. I gave him every opportunity to put things right. He didn't do that, and so he passed with a lot unsaid. I'm okay with that. I don't worry about it now. He's gone, so closure won't ever happen. You come to terms with knowing it won't ever be resolved.

My mother shows no signs of wanting to talk. That's fine. I move on. But I would say, it's worth remembering that everyone in your life, EVERYONE, has to earn their place there. If they do something you don't like, or don't agree with, they don't get a pass because you're related. We have our own journeys in this life, and we shouldn't be afraid of embracing that, even if it leads away from family.

I'm pretty sure they would say the same about me.
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That is really deep, and I totally understand. Family members seem to have a title more than a responsibility or connection. I've lost several family members and I've only managed to connect with one. I don't have the faintest idea how it happened, but we actually became really close before he died and I'm grateful for that. I've seen my family fight over belongings that were left behind like a pack of wolves and I've had family that took/kept things from me that they had no right to take. It's a sad thing, but it is what it is. It says a lot about their character.
 
VaughanJB said:
There is a pervasive view that blood is thicker than water, family is all important, and that family can be a salvation. In a recent thread I saw a comment saying being cared for by family is better than a hired help. I wanted to riff on that for a moment.

I'm one of three children. My father has passed, my mother is still with us. The whole blood is thicker view simply doesn't apply to me. I have very little interaction with my family, and ultimately it's by design. My family is not a haven, they're the last people I'd ever ask for help, and quite honestly, I don't understand them. My mother could not care less what I'm doing and what is happening to me (and yes, this is evidence based, not just an opinion). I don't like my brother, and my sister is very remote.

In short, family - as in blood related - is a complete fail. I'm not going to lay blame, although I will say it's about events. They don't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with them. I'd be happy dying in a room on my own, before I ever reached out.

Not all families are worth saving. Family members sometimes can't be forgiven. Sometimes you cross the bridge, and burn it down behind you. When I read about how important family is, I feel a little disconnected. I know the theory, but the reality is there are a lot of families that are dysfunctional.

When my father was ill, I would visit him in the hospital. I'd sit there for four hours or more. We'd talk, but it was stupid stuff. What I wanted, to be honest, was an apology, or at the very least some reasoning for his behavior. I gave him every opportunity to put things right. He didn't do that, and so he passed with a lot unsaid. I'm okay with that. I don't worry about it now. He's gone, so closure won't ever happen. You come to terms with knowing it won't ever be resolved.

My mother shows no signs of wanting to talk. That's fine. I move on. But I would say, it's worth remembering that everyone in your life, EVERYONE, has to earn their place there. If they do something you don't like, or don't agree with, they don't get a pass because you're related. We have our own journeys in this life, and we shouldn't be afraid of embracing that, even if it leads away from family.

I'm pretty sure they would say the same about me.
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A lot of similarities to my own upbringing and how I feel about it... so I understand your feelings within your post..
 
Families are simply a petrie dish of society in general. There's good and bad, nurturing and neglectful, love and hate, trustful and betrayers.

Just because someone's shares the same blood doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life, and they're not obligated to keep you in theirs.
 
C50 said:
Families are simply a petrie dish of society in general. There's good and bad, nurturing and neglectful, love and hate, trustful and betrayers.

Just because someone's shares the same blood doesn't mean you have to keep them in your life, and they're not obligated to keep you in theirs.
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With all due respect it goes deeper than sharing the same blood... we feel some kind of loyalty to family particularly siblings, whom we may not only share parents, but have experienced many of the same things simultaneously growing up.. shared a bedroom, shared dreams, shared parents.. and relatives... so there's that to get over when you become adults and realise that these people with whom you've literally shared so much can be Judases in disguise..

and if not as bad as that .. then it still comes as a great shock to many when they discover that their sibling/s once out in the great world.. meeting /marrying/ various different friendships.. may have a completely different outlook on life than you once believed growing up..
 
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I totally agree that everyone has to earn their place in your life. I feel like I spent a lifetime taking care of "responsibilities". I reached a point 10 years ago when I walked away, thus forcing others who had refused responsibility to step up. It is sad it came to that but I have never regretted leaving. I will die alone before I will go back to that sick dynamic.
 
Understand what you are relating, however, thread title might be more properly titled...

The Truth about Some Members of Some Families

For many "blood is thicker than water". While for others has never been so and for some to a relative degree only during periods of their lives. In this chaotic societal era, less so than with our ancestors. Its an anthropology subject and has varied across the world somewhat. Humans have thrived due to mutual cooperation and knowledge. Centuries ago, transportation was limited, so most people tended to live together in cooperative extended families within villages and communal groups. Those that could not behave reasonably became outcasts, loners, or found their place in the world in military organizations. As science, technology, transportation, and communication has advanced over the last few centuries, all that has become less important.

Among related persons, it has always varied somewhat between specific individuals, especially due to age and how well one can independently live their life. Once people become adults, if they work and live distantly, they are also more likely to increasingly over years become more distant. At least in this era unlike two centuries ago, telecommunications allows even distant people to communicate.

Personally, as someone from a large family with 1 sister and a few brothers, I was always very close to my beloved sister and one younger brother and both parents. Some of the others have been close to near age siblings that shared work and to my parents because they lived near them. Otherwise they've tended to live their lives without even much interest sharing how their lives were going.
 
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My family wasn't a happy place, not through malice but because of poor mental hygiene that we kept secret and refused to resolve. Mom was a bi-polar manic depressive and poor Dad was a covert narcissistic guy with a fragile ego who was quietly desperate to blame anybody else whom he could for his own mediocrity.
My two older brothers talked their way moving out of the family home.....one to our grandmother's house in a different country and the other to a boarding school in yet another country. Years later they both referred to their exits as going from the frying pan into the fire.
I stayed and tried to provide some stability as Mom's care giver.....until I went off to college and became a drunken doper party animal all through my twenties.

They're all dead now and I don't miss any of them. However I do think a lot about how it all could have been so different.
 
I guess nobody's family is n perfect. Certainly mine was not. l went through much counseling and years of turmoil thinking about it.. I still don't understand it all but have tried hard to forgive. That has helped my personal well being


I have done stupid things in my life and wish to be forgiven so I need to forgive my family for the nonsense 😭
 
Vaughan's thread prompted a quote from the writer Harper Lee: “You can choose your friends, but not your family.” Nothing could be more true, both at home and at work. Actually, the way I heard it was deliberately disparaging. "Your friends, you choose. Family, you're stuck with."
 
I think that the notion of “family,” like “motherhood,” is often viewed by society through rose-colored glasses. Some are blessed with strong and supportive families, and in that have a great asset. The rest of us fall somewhere along the continuum scale, with some having mediocre, flawed, or even toxic families. A family can have one or more members with unmet mental health needs that drain and even poison positive and supportive interactions. The behavior of an individual and their general status is often best understood when viewed through a social dynamic…

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hollydolly said:
With all due respect it goes deeper than sharing the same blood... we feel some kind of loyalty to family particularly siblings, whom we may not only share parents, but have experienced many of the same things simultaneously growing up.. shared a bedroom, shared dreams, shared parents.. and relatives... so there's that to get over when you become adults and realise that these people with whom you've literally shared so much can be Judases in disguise..

and if not as bad as that .. then it still comes as a great shock to many when they discover that their sibling/s once out in the great world.. meeting /marrying/ various different friendships.. may have a completely different outlook on life than you once believed growing up..
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@VaughanJB talks about sharing the same blood/blood is thicker then water etc.

@hollydolly speaks above about family loyalty as a binding agent of sorts.

I would add one more component and that is shared history. It can be a very strong component in some circumstances, and can also keep family members connected.

No one knows your history as well as those who have loved it with you. Whether that shared history is good or bad, the commonality of inside jokes, events, similar experiences, standing together or separate from others, seasonal events etc all combine to create a time map that is unique to you and the family you shared all that with.

Even when that shared history is dysfunctional as was the case with my kids and their Dad’s abuse, it bound them together, and they remain so to this day.
 
We are of an age that we thought shows like “Leave it to Beaver” reflected real life. Probably did not in the vast majority of families. While I regret a society where divorce is rampant, I think that “getting out” of a toxic situation is far more healthy than trying to make do. Finding your “tribe” might be an alternative rather than fixing what is broken.
 
VaughnJB, I can relate to your story. My mom and dad were killed when I was 9. My uncle (Dad's brother) wanted to send me to an orphanage. My grandparents raised me. I have no connections to my family, except for 1 niece.

I give my family no thought to very little thought now and then. My niece and I are are best friends. In fact, she's coming to visit in a few weeks. I do hear from some of my family near the holidays or whenever they feel like reaching out and even though I don't ignore them, I don't pander to them either.

I would sooner have my own family, but that's been a problem for me to get one started. I think people who have a good family connection when they get together or celebrate events together can all be a good thing. If I was ever to become very ill, I would appreciate my family coming by and helping me, if necessary. I just got over my 3rd bout with Covid and my niece called and asked if I needed her, but my neighbors filled in for my family and I got through it again.
 
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hearlady said:
It's true. Not all family relationships are made at Hallmark.
You seem to be a very level headed and decent person.
Did they have anything to do with that?
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Well, I can't take credit for any of that. But no, not much was worth keeping from them. My savior was the United States. I went there many moons ago, and got a job etc. But that old "Essex boy" thing doesn't work there. I learned that quickly. I saw an entirely different way of life, met some great people. That said, I banged my head on every stair on the way down. :D

I am, and have been, far from perfect. I try to learn from my mistakes, and the mistakes of others. I try. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. But I found that the better person I became, the most distance there was between my family and I. I could tell stories, but you get the idea. My brother inherited everything bad from my father, and instead of building something for his life he's just wasted it and built up a castle of conspiracy theories and hate for one group or another. But I can't own that, only he can fix it.

I refuse to allow endless angst into my life today. I won't get into shouting matches, I'm not going to let things degenerate. I've not always been completely innocent, so don't get me wrong. Like most people, I learned the most important lessons in the hardest way possible. But, if I can improve, others can too if they choose to. I want to be around love, good intentions, and kindness. I no longer want to give valuable time to dead-ends and nastiness.

Thank you for the kind words.
 
Been There said:
I would sooner have my own family, but that's been a problem for me to get one started.
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I don't usually share personal information online, at least not too much of it. But since you wrote this, I'll go a step farther then I usually would.

Having children is a big responsibility. A life long commitment. Some people seem to have kids by accident, but it was never like that for me. Offspring was something, if anything, I worried about. After my experience, there was a lot of doubt about what kind of father I would be.

So, I made the decision, and it holds true to this day, that I wouldn't have any children. I'd seen too much hurt, and how it lasts a lifetime, and I didn't want to be part of someone else's bad history. There are many great parents in the world, so congrats to them. But it simply wasn't for me. And yes, I sometimes regret it. But that's just another part of life. It's done now. I hope every child out there can sleep a good sleep tonight, and have joy tomorrow.
 
I think that blood-related factor is all nonsense. Just because you share genetics doesn't mean you share anything else, and it's pointless to cling to relationships that don't work. I have been blessed with 3 great sisters that I have a wonderful relationship with, but If I didn't, I wouldn't have any problem with hitting the eject button.

I have a wonderful son and have a very close relationship with him. But I also have 2 step-daughters, and even though their mother is gone, they are closer to me than their own father, and I feel just as close to them as my own son, even though we are not blood-related. So I think it's more about the family you choose rather than the family you are born into.
 
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Of course it is very sad to read about disconnected and dysfunctional families.
However... families are very important... important for many reasons but the main being the genetic connection.
Families are like wine... some good, some bad.
I have been blessed and am forever grateful for this blessing.
 
I had a wonderful uncle (in law). He did not want children because of what happened to him.

His mother died when he was only five. He had to go live with his aging grandparents. His father remarried and he didn’t fit in with their life.

He and my aunt never had children. He did not want to bring children into this world he said.

He was a good person. He would have been a wonderful father but because of his hard childhood he did not want any child to have to go through what he did.

We never know someone’s story. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did.
 
bobcat said:
I think that blood-related factor is all nonsense. Just because you share genetics doesn't mean you share anything else, and it's pointless to cling to relationships that don't work.
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I agree. Being of the opinion that all life on this planet started from the same single-cell organism, I think one could say that all living things are part of the same family anyway, so why some people will only cling to close relatives is beyond me.
 
:) I don't think my children like me, although they are dutiful and respectful. I'm opinionated, and I never shut up, and I care nothing for the approval of the world. Plus, I come from a very, very conservative place. So, I never call them, I wait until they call me. It's all good, I'm cool with it, and I do love them very much.
 

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