Paladin1950
Still love 50's & 60's music!
- Location
- Mohawk Valley, NY
The General Humor Thread
- Thread starter JonSR77
- Start date
Pappy
Living the Dream
squatting dog
We don't have as far to go, as we've already been
- Location
- Arkansas, and also Florida
RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
Paladin1950
Still love 50's & 60's music!
- Location
- Mohawk Valley, NY
OldFeller
Well-known Member
- Location
- Pennsylvania, USA
Well,
That's not a joke. I was working in a Kmart discount department store across the street from a housing project while still in college. Somebody left a turd on the floor of the fitting room.
OldFeller
Well-known Member
- Location
- Pennsylvania, USA
Pappy
Living the Dream
Paco Dennis
SF VIP
- Location
- Mid-Missouri
Paladin1950
Still love 50's & 60's music!
- Location
- Mohawk Valley, NY
Pappy
Living the Dream
Paco Dennis
SF VIP
- Location
- Mid-Missouri
Knight
Well-known Member
I know my wife is watching to many crime shows on HULU.
This morning while backing into our garage she asked me if we should call the police?
I asked why?
She said across the street there is a crime scene.
I looked up to see our neighbors Christmas decoration of an inflatable Santa that was deflated. There it was, a dead Santa.
This morning while backing into our garage she asked me if we should call the police?
I asked why?
She said across the street there is a crime scene.
I looked up to see our neighbors Christmas decoration of an inflatable Santa that was deflated. There it was, a dead Santa.
Paladin1950
Still love 50's & 60's music!
- Location
- Mohawk Valley, NY
Paco Dennis
SF VIP
- Location
- Mid-Missouri
Pappy
Living the Dream
An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned.
“Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!”
“Oh, yes – what did it say?”
“Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!”
“Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?”
“Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!”
“Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.
“Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!”
“Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”
“Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!”
“Oh, yes – what did it say?”
“Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!”
“Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?”
“Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!”
“Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.
“Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!”
“Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”
Why men shouldn't write advice columns:
WALTER’S ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was on our couch kissing the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
WALTER’S ADVICE COLUMN
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was on our couch kissing the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won’t go to counseling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
