Thank you all for your thoughts.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I am unable to respond individually to the many words of comfort that have been offered from you all. I just don’t have the focus or energy. I am not doing well.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. The anguish is unfathomable. The grief is bottomless. It’s so painful to be alive right now and I honestly don’t want to be. If it weren’t for my surviving kids and Ron, I wouldn’t still be here, I would have gladly and with great relief followed my son into death to get away from this unimaginable pain. But I can’t do that to the ones left behind. Their precious brother who they loved and were so close to is gone, and their pain and grief and anguish mirrors mine.

And so I will stay.

I’m living minute to minute, can’t get my breath, can’t eat, and I’m terrified to close my eyes because my one goal in life at this moment is to escape the pain that thinking brings, but closing my eyes brings racing thoughts and images that I will do anything to avoid.

I don’t personally see any way to get through this, but I’m told that it will get better over time. From my current perspective I believe that’s impossible. The immediate fire-hot flesh rending agony when I first found out has been replaced by an impossibly heavy unrelenting anguish and torment. Sadly, as I have no other choice than to move forward even though I’m broken, I guess time will tell.
 

Ronni, I can't even imagine the pain and heartache that you and your family are going through. I only know that it must be so extremely difficult for you to get through the days and nights. Please know that you are being held close in my heart. Much love to you.

Lillian
 
Ronni said:
but closing my eyes brings racing thoughts and images that I will do anything to avoid
Click to expand...

Not sure it would be helpful for you, but a grief book I read after my sister was murdered said to interrupt overwhelming grief by standing up and firmly saying STOP IT. I couldn't exactly do that at work, but it was helpful when grief was interfering with focusing on work for me to say it to myself silently. I've also found it useful over the years when traumatic experiences pop up in my head when I was driving to firmly keep saying STOP IT out loud repeatedly until I could escape the thoughts.

Also, I had some luck with a foster child that was having frightening flashbacks with having her do the tapping technique. I had a DVD about it, but here is a YouTube that demonstrates it (starting about two and a half minutes into the video):

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
 
@Ronni, I just learned about the loss of your son! I am so sorry! My sister experienced that several years ago when she lost her 19 year old son to a car accident. It has been difficult for her all these years, and she never forgets, but she has made peace with it. I hope and pray you find some peace. Grief will take time, but know that we love you. God bless!
https://flic.kr/p/GVyhrN
 
I have never experienced the loss of a child, so I have
no authority to advise or to confirm the possible future.

I have heard that words will not heal, only remind you,
of the reason for you hurt, but I have also heard that
time heals, well, sort of heals, you will, after a while be
recalling the good times, the funny times and the lovely
times.

I pray that the future arrives quickly for you to remember
the good times. 🙏

Mike
 
(((Ronni)))..... I've been through the deaths of close family members.. my baby son, my mother, my stepson .. my teenage niece, my baby nephew.. I know that pain..I know how you're feeling right now, and I know that you would follow your son in a heartbeat , to be with him, and to stop feeling the pain that is like no other pain... that's is so raw it's as tho' your whole body is an open wound, and your mind is putting up it's biggest fight upon you, and you just want to shut that pain off , beg it to shut off, pleading with God... and can never ever see the end of it...or how you can bear it for another day another hour, another minute.... another second

..but you can Ronni, and you will, as much for your other children and husband, because of their pain too, and the thought of what losing you would do to them.. this will keep you going , and it will keep you Sane..although right now you will feel Insanity is perilously close..but hang on Ronni.. hang on to that Gossamer thread of reality ..it's the strongest you will be on your way to recovery

Every single day, your beloved departed son will be willing you on.. fight mum fight... your mind will eventually realise it's on your side.. and you will heal Ronni.. you will heal my friend but it's all going to take time, a long time.. ... but you will never forget and I know you would never want to... 🌹🥀
 
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Know that you’re being thought about many times by many here. Other than someone who has lost a child, we can’t imagine your pain.

A friend who lost her son had a special memory locket made that she squeezed when she wanted to send her love to him.
 
When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me

I wish you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today
While thinking of the many things
We didn’t get to say

I know how much you love me
As much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you’ll miss me too

When tomorrow starts without me
Please try to understand
That an angel came and called my name
And took me by the hand

The angel said my place was ready
In Heaven far above
And That I would have to leave behind
All those I dearly love

But when I walked through Heaven’s Gates
I felt so much at home
When GOD looked down and smiled at me
From his golden throne

He said This Is Eternity
And all I promised you
Today your life on earth is done
But here it starts a new

I promise no tomorrow
For today will always last
And since each day’s the exact same way
There is no longing for the past

So when tomorrow starts without me
Do not think we’re apart
For every time you think of me
Remember I’m right here in your heart.
 
I am so sorry that you have to go through that intense pain. When, or if, you are ready, you might like to check into joining a support group.
Also, you might consider to consult your general practioner to see if you could take a light anti-depressant pill for a while. That might ease your days a little.
Of course, we are here for you always.
 
Ronni said:
I am unable to respond individually to the many words of comfort that have been offered from you all. I just don’t have the focus or energy. I am not doing well.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. The anguish is unfathomable. The grief is bottomless. It’s so painful to be alive right now and I honestly don’t want to be. If it weren’t for my surviving kids and Ron, I wouldn’t still be here, I would have gladly and with great relief followed my son into death to get away from this unimaginable pain. But I can’t do that to the ones left behind. Their precious brother who they loved and were so close to is gone, and their pain and grief and anguish mirrors mine.

And so I will stay.

I’m living minute to minute, can’t get my breath, can’t eat, and I’m terrified to close my eyes because my one goal in life at this moment is to escape the pain that thinking brings, but closing my eyes brings racing thoughts and images that I will do anything to avoid.

I don’t personally see any way to get through this, but I’m told that it will get better over time. From my current perspective I believe that’s impossible. The immediate fire-hot flesh rending agony when I first found out has been replaced by an impossibly heavy unrelenting anguish and torment. Sadly, as I have no other choice than to move forward even though I’m broken, I guess time will tell.
Click to expand...
@Ronni, I can't tell you what to do or how to feel, nobody knows the horror until they know it. But I think you'll go on living, and find peace in quiet moments. Sharing the love and remembrance with family and friends...there will be tears, but also warm & wonderful memories that will bring smiles. 🙏
 
hollydolly said:
(((Ronni)))..... I've been through the deaths of close family members.. my baby son, my mother, my stepson .. my teenage niece, my baby nephew.. I know that pain..I know how you're feeling right now, and I know that you would follow your son in a heartbeat , to be with him, and to stop feeling the pain that is like no other pain... that's is so raw it's as tho' your whole body is an open wound, and your mind is putting up it's biggest fight upon you, and you just want to shut that pain off , beg it to shut off, pleading with God... and can never ever see the end of it...or how you can bear it for another day another hour, another minute.... another second

..but you can Ronni, and you will, as much for your other children and husband, because of their pain too, and the thought of what losing you would do to them.. this will keep you going , and it will keep you Sane..although right now you will feel Insanity is perilously close..but hang on Ronni.. hang on to that Gossamer thread of reality ..it's the strongest you will be on your way to recovery

Every single day, your beloved departed son will be willing you on.. fight mum fight... your mind will eventually realise it's on your side.. and you will heal Ronnie.. you will heal my friend but it's all going to take time, a long time.. ... but you will never forget and I know you would never want to... 🌹🥀
Click to expand...
Dear Ronni,

I could not say anything as loving and wise as this message from Holly.

I will not try, but know that I am very moved by your openness and I hope that your pain will become more bearable because you have voiced it.

Love, Warrigal.
 
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