Men, I need some advice

Murrmurr said:
Yeah, I looked at it from that perspective only this morning. And as we seasoned ones know, mistakes will be made on this midlife journey.

I advised Grant to remain faithful and consider couples therapy. It's up to him now.
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Good advice I think. (y)
 
Devi said:
And maybe remind him that he could lose his wife if/when she finds out he cheated.
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He said he doesn't want to cheat. He knows it would destroy her emotionally.

She adores him, that's what's really sad about this. She was slayed the first time she laid eyes on him. He was sitting on a park bench, reading a book. Non-fiction, no less. She texted her best friend "OMG, I'm looking at this gorgeous man, and he's reading! READING!!" And her friend text back, "And you haven't said Hello yet?"

So friggin cute.
 
First thing is he should get a checkup and get his physical health in order If there is a problem. Bad physical health can really hurt one’s libido and drain your energy. Same might go for his wife. Get the physical health issues off the table or dealt with.
 
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Our neighbors had the purr fect marriage. She worked as an LPN.
He raised the kids and rode his Harley every day.
The kids grew and went off to college, he rode his Harley, she worked.
5 years later the College girls started showing up at home. She worked.
He got divorced, the home sold, and they are in different states.
She worked, he works. They happy. Hope it helps.
He sold his Harley and now rides a crotch rocket, the kids have kids.
The X, She looks like a Sun Goddess, he bald, Yule Brenner type.
Seeing her mow the yard wearing a sun bikini. wowser!

The new neighbors; She works, he works.
They Expect their first child soon, she works from home.
He works for the state. They work. Wowsers too.

He stops by occasionally and sees the new owners.
His new girlfriend can't compete with his X. (younger)
 
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papa tiger said:
Our neighbors had the purr fect marriage. She worked as an LPN.
He raised the kids and rode his Harley every day.
The kids grew and went off to college, he rode his Harley, she worked.
5 years later the College girls started showing up at home. She worked.
He got divorced, the home sold, and they are in different states.
She worked, he works. They happy. Hope it helps.
He sold his Harley and now rides a crotch rocket, the kids have kids.
The X, She looks like a Sun Goddess, he bald, Yule Brenner type.
Seeing her mow the yard wearing a sun bikini. wowser!

The new neighbors; She works, he works.
They Expect their first child soon, she works from home.
He works for the state. They work. Wowsers too.

He stops by occasionally and sees the new owners.
His new girlfriend can't compete with his X. (younger)
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In about 2005, my son bought a classic (old) 1970-something Honda CL350 Scrambler with custom ape bars for only $300...because it didn't run.

When he wasn't at work, he worked on it.
And worked on it.
And worked on it.
He worked on it for about a year, and finally got it running...sort of.

He spent about $700 on parts that he couldn't fabricate.
He's a certified welder/metals worker.
The problem was electrical.

He sold it for $500 (but he kept the ape bars).
His wife wasn't mad at him.

😄
 
Well, for what it's worth, here's my view. He says he's not attracted to her anymore. You say she hasn't really changed all that much.
This leads me to believe it is more psychological. Translated, that means she just isn't as much fun to be around as before. If she was, and her looks hasn't changed much, he would still feel the same as before, and would thoroughly enjoy her (Even intimately).

Our opinions of others shape how we see them, both physically and psychologically. So, either she has changed in some ways (behaviorally), or he has changed in some ways (Perhaps not happy inside for other reasons), or perhaps both, and that emotional feeling towards her has been altered, which affects how he sees her physically as well. Our mind discounts physical appearance, to some degree, when we find that person attractive in other ways.

Even though they still do things together, he may be experiencing it as an effort to try and salvage something he is not necessarily desiring, and so it isn't really the fun and enjoyable experience it should be.

If this assessment is true, then he would need to figure out what has changed, and be willing to look introspectively at himself as well, to see what might have contributed to the way he sees her now. Maybe it can be altered. Whatever the case, I don't think he should place the burden on her to make him happy. That needs to come from within, and then he brings that happiness to the relationship to add some flame back to the fire.

That'll cost you a nickel, but I'm willing to negotiate.
 
bobcat said:
Well, for what it's worth, here's my view. He says he's not attracted to her anymore. You say she hasn't really changed all that much.
This leads me to believe it is more psychological. Translated, that means she just isn't as much fun to be around as before. If she was, and her looks hasn't changed much, he would still feel the same as before, and would thoroughly enjoy her (Even intimately).

Our opinions of others shape how we see them, both physically and psychologically. So, either she has changed in some ways (behaviorally), or he has changed in some ways (Perhaps not happy inside for other reasons), or perhaps both, and that emotional feeling towards her has been altered, which affects how he sees her physically as well. Our mind discounts physical appearance, to some degree, when we find that person attractive in other ways.

Even though they still do things together, he may be experiencing it as an effort to try and salvage something he is not necessarily desiring, and so it isn't really the fun and enjoyable experience it should be.

If this assessment is true, then he would need to figure out what has changed, and be willing to look introspectively at himself as well, to see what might have contributed to the way he sees her now. Maybe it can be altered. Whatever the case, I don't think he should place the burden on her to make him happy. That needs to come from within, and then he brings that happiness to the relationship to add some flame back to the fire.

That'll cost you a nickel, but I'm willing to negotiate.
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I think his final 11-mo stint in Afghanistan changed him. (Seabee Construction Battalion, aka Dirt Navy)

He doesn't have PTSD or anything, but he seemed to come back with a different perspective on life, and probably his future. It's been a while, about a decade, but maybe now that he's closing in on age 50....
 
My neighbor was a Seabee. Think he had enough work though. Building water towers and stuff.
I had a 305CC Honda Scrambler. Broke the timing chain guide roller. I pulled the motor, disassembled it
replaced the broken parts, valve job, new pistons and rings. Added final gears for power or speed.
Sold it to a neighbor to buy a Home Trailer when I got married.

The Scrambler was a fun set of wheels.
The real problem was the Battery would shake apart, needing 2 every summer. $ 18 each. Learned to
run with the high beam on, would blow the headlight otherwise, just turned the headlight down a lil.
Mostly town / Burb ridding. Tipped it up for nights but mostly rode during the day time for distances.
My friends all had Yamaha's and were jealous of the Hondas torque advantage over the 2 cycles. Honda,
I had made the jets larger thus more fuel and power.

Went Harley, new Heads, Wiring and stuff. cut off fenders, chopped and channeled and Springer. Sold it
to the future brother in laws brother in law on his wife's side. The lil baby boy had arrived in town. ...:love:
 
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"First tell him to never compromise his integrity. He either chooses to work on the marriage or end it, there should be no testing the waters until things are resolved."

This.

And this.


"A marriage is an accomplishment. To bail on one is a lack of accomplishment.

It's a promise to be there no matter what. During the process we fall in and out of love but the commitment to that promise makes you a better person in the long run. It teaches you unselfishness."
 
Thats right, search for the right herbal concoction foost for you.
Settle on the lil blue pill lastly due to it damaging linger ons.
Young hotties should be down the list a ways.
The young hotties sort of wrecked it all for the neighbor.
 
Not that I want to criticize you Frank, but the whole thread from the beginning I've thought if your son Grant would like or at least consent that you tell his story here on the forum. Or did you tell him before, that you plan to discuss it here and he was okay with it?
 
George1959 said:
Not that I want to criticize you Frank, but the whole thread from the beginning I've thought if your son Grant would like or at least consent that you tell his story here on the forum. Or did you tell him before, that you plan to discuss it here and he was okay with it?
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I didn't, but I wouldn't have started this thread if I had even a slight hunch he'd be upset by it.

I do see a few people misunderstood the issue, so I'll clear that up now...

The issue is not penile dysfunction.

But I didn't say it was. And, knowing Grant, he'd be amused by that misunderstanding.
 
It is perfectly natural for spouses begin to lose their libido for each other after 20 years of marriage. Unfortunately, nature has made us that way. The complexity of relationships, external changes, household nuances and nature's polygamous program. Friends, I don't want to offend anyone, but no persuasion, visiting a psychologist, working on yourself, all this unfortunately does not work, but the Coolidge effect works without fail, alas
 
Kir7 said:
It is perfectly natural for spouses begin to lose their libido for each other after 20 years of marriage. Unfortunately, nature has made us that way. The complexity of relationships, external changes, household nuances and nature's polygamous program. Friends, I don't want to offend anyone, but no persuasion, visiting a psychologist, working on yourself, all this unfortunately does not work, but the Coolidge effect works without fail, alas
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While my son would completely agree about the Coolidge Effect, he is willing to give couples therapy a try, thinking maybe therapy isn't entirely worthless. That's based on the fact that he still appreciates his wife, and their history together, he simply isn't attracted to her anymore.

And, again, a loss of libido is not the issue. You did specify "libido for each other", but libido and attraction are 2 separate things. You can experience varying levels of either one, but neither one requires the other.
 
Kir7 said:
It is perfectly natural for spouses begin to lose their libido for each other after 20 years of marriage. Unfortunately, nature has made us that way. The complexity of relationships, external changes, household nuances and nature's polygamous program. Friends, I don't want to offend anyone, but no persuasion, visiting a psychologist, working on yourself, all this unfortunately does not work, but the Coolidge effect works without fail, alas
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I respectfully disagree. While, for years, my main focus in my practice has been trauma therapy, I have also offered various counselling sessions dealing

with this very subject. The results have been sufficiently positive that I am repeatedly requested to hold more sessions. When circumstances permit, I continue to do so.
 
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I had to look up the Coolidge effect. Interesting. Although humans are not rats, I suppose we can act like them. Ha!

My own view is that if someone really wants out of a relationship, they will find a way to end it. They may even try to make it seem like it’s the other persons fault when that other person did nothing to cause the ending. I think rats have it much easier.
 
That's why I wrote that I regret that nature made everything so complicated and made us like this. Your son's family difficulties are just the case when he realizes that his wife is a wonderful and very worthy person, a soul mate, with whom it will be very painful and unbearable to part. She has become his soul mate, but he looks at her as a sister, not as a wife. Yes, there is no doubt that your son needs to be honest with his wife. Maybe after a frank conversation, his wife will decide to transform the appearance, to work out in the gym, lose weight, go to a striptease course, because jealousy not infrequently fuels passion. Maybe there is still a chance to return that very desire in the relationship.
 
Hope your son can work thru the feelings, mid life crisis....
Sounds like he has a good wife and family.

Most men kind get the "is this all there is" to life around that age.

All the best for your son and his wife/family. Please keep us posted.
 

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