It’s going to be one of those days.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
IMG_1104.jpegI can tell it’s going to be one of those days.
This morning I am consumed by my sweet Devin’s loss. Some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days when I experience his loss over and over, the impact of it drilling into me in relentless anguish.

Because see, for just a moment I forget. I’m in blessed ignorance of the devastation, the desolation, the pain. But then it creeps up and pounces. It was lying in wait all along, in those few blissful moments of forgetting.

I lose my boy countless times a day. Over and over again. And every time, the gut-wrenching pain rips through me.

Catastrophic loss isn’t a one-off. It’s not a one and done. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, every day, sometimes from moment to moment. Every morning I wonder, is today going to be an onslaught of pain? A trickle? Something in between? Whatever is coming, I can’t control it. It just is. The best I can do is ride the wave, struggle to not be pulled entirely under and drown in it. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the pain and grief and loss wins.

The best I can hope for is a lengthening of time between the drownings. This is my life, for whatever’s left of it. This is my normal now.

Being anguish-free, upbeat, clear headed…that’s the anomaly, the one-off. And it sucks.
 

Dearest Ronni, I feel like I need to share my experience with being diagnosed with Peripheral Neuropathy about 2 years ago. The pain I was experiencing was 8-9 24/7. It was so bad I could not cope with it and I attempted suicide. For 2 years now I have had to learn to live with the pain
( it is averaging about 4-5 now 24/7 ) almost every moment of the day.

It is very hard to be free of the suffering. I take the meds and follow the Doctors instructions, and then it is up to me to find a way to enjoy my life, which has become my work. Yes, I need to consciously work at finding purpose/happiness/joy/relaxation/and entertainment. Being with other people besides my partner for 36 years is complex, and I often do not want to meet with them because I feel bad. The feelings of the loss of my old life, the one I was functional, makes me feel very depressed at times, and my tendency for self-pity doesn't help.

I am not writing this to help you feel better. I am writing this to let you know that our way of life, coping with chronic suffering, IS the way we live now. There is no cure. Now, after 2 years I am getting better with keeping my attitude positive. That in and of itself is mouthful, and just being able to say it and mean it helps put these 2 years of suffering in some kind of perspective.

So today as life begins again, I feel crippled by the pain, and know I will have periods of doubt and anguish, but life goes on. In the day ahead there will also be all the life around our world, filled with billions of us. Everyone with a different path and view of our world which makes me very interested in being involved.

I also know that many others are suffering from something today. Some much worse than others. It seems to be our lot in this life. I could of never guessed I would be 71 and have a chronic illness that nags at me all the time, but that is what the universe arranged. It's the only game in town, so I am going to do my best and staying involved. What else can we do?
 
CallMeKate said:
Physical pain, no matter how horrid, is vastly different from emotional devastation and handled in very different ways when trying to cope.
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I was wondering about that. Would it be different? Probably but with other circumstances where there is something I don’t want to feel or dwell on I’ve found that sinking into it and following it where ever it will take me even to the point of looking for it when it becomes dimmer can help. I do fear it won’t help when I lose someone really close or that I just won’t have the heart to do it. When my pets die I just welcome the pangs of missing them as a testimony to our connection. For a child or mate I imagine it will be much much more painful.
 
Paco Dennis said:
Dearest Ronni, I feel like I need to share my experience with being diagnosed with Peripheral Neuropathy about 2 years ago. The pain I was experiencing was 8-9 24/7. It was so bad I could not cope with it and I attempted suicide. For 2 years now I have had to learn to live with the pain
( it is averaging about 4-5 now 24/7 ) almost every moment of the day.

It is very hard to be free of the suffering. I take the meds and follow the Doctors instructions, and then it is up to me to find a way to enjoy my life, which has become my work. Yes, I need to consciously work at finding purpose/happiness/joy/relaxation/and entertainment. Being with other people besides my partner for 36 years is complex, and I often do not want to meet with them because I feel bad. The feelings of the loss of my old life, the one I was functional, makes me feel very depressed at times, and my tendency for self-pity doesn't help.

I am not writing this to help you feel better. I am writing this to let you know that our way of life, coping with chronic suffering, IS the way we live now. There is no cure. Now, after 2 years I am getting better with keeping my attitude positive. That in and of itself is mouthful, and just being able to say it and mean it helps put these 2 years of suffering in some kind of perspective.

So today as life begins again, I feel crippled by the pain, and know I will have periods of doubt and anguish, but life goes on. In the day ahead there will also be all the life around our world, filled with billions of us. Everyone with a different path and view of our world which makes me very interested in being involved.

I also know that many others are suffering from something today. Some much worse than others. It seems to be our lot in this life. I could of never guessed I would be 71 and have a chronic illness that nags at me all the time, but that is what the universe arranged. It's the only game in town, so I am going to do my best and staying involved. What else can we do?
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Paco - please read this and see if you could do it - it costs zero dollars and has been shown to literally stop chronic pain - I've been using the method when needed . We are learning a lot about nerve pain signals. This doctor went through so much and taught himself to heal:

How To Retrain Your Brain's Pain Processing System - Somatic Movement Center
 
Grief comes in "waves". You don't "handle" grief, you endure it as best you can. God Bless you Ronnie.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers​


By Emily Dickinson

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
 
MarkD said:
I was wondering about that. Would it be different?
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I think it would be different... sometimes I look at things differently and when I wrote my response here, my thought process was that with physical pain, we can get meds even for the worst of the worst, to dull it even for a little while... but emotional devastation is still there under the surface even with meds. I also realized that most people with emotional devastation would gladly trade having their loved one back for having to deal with even the worst physical pain. I am aware that my way of thinking often differs from many others and I'm okay with that. @MarkD
 
Ronni said:
View attachment 336746I can tell it’s going to be one of those days.
This morning I am consumed by my sweet Devin’s loss. Some days are worse than others. Today is one of those days when I experience his loss over and over, the impact of it drilling into me in relentless anguish.

Because see, for just a moment I forget. I’m in blessed ignorance of the devastation, the desolation, the pain. But then it creeps up and pounces. It was lying in wait all along, in those few blissful moments of forgetting.

I lose my boy countless times a day. Over and over again. And every time, the gut-wrenching pain rips through me.

Catastrophic loss isn’t a one-off. It’s not a one and done. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, every day, sometimes from moment to moment. Every morning I wonder, is today going to be an onslaught of pain? A trickle? Something in between? Whatever is coming, I can’t control it. It just is. The best I can do is ride the wave, struggle to not be pulled entirely under and drown in it. Sometimes I win. Sometimes the pain and grief and loss wins.

The best I can hope for is a lengthening of time between the drownings. This is my life, for whatever’s left of it. This is my normal now.

Being anguish-free, upbeat, clear headed…that’s the anomaly, the one-off. And it sucks.
Click to expand...
Ronni, glad you're sharing this so we all know how you are feeling. Sending you love, warmth, light and hugs my friend. Hang in there and know we care about you. 🧡
 
Paco Dennis said:
Dearest Ronni, I feel like I need to share my experience with being diagnosed with Peripheral Neuropathy about 2 years ago. The pain I was experiencing was 8-9 24/7. It was so bad I could not cope with it and I attempted suicide. For 2 years now I have had to learn to live with the pain
( it is averaging about 4-5 now 24/7 ) almost every moment of the day.

It is very hard to be free of the suffering. I take the meds and follow the Doctors instructions, and then it is up to me to find a way to enjoy my life, which has become my work. Yes, I need to consciously work at finding purpose/happiness/joy/relaxation/and entertainment. Being with other people besides my partner for 36 years is complex, and I often do not want to meet with them because I feel bad. The feelings of the loss of my old life, the one I was functional, makes me feel very depressed at times, and my tendency for self-pity doesn't help.

I am not writing this to help you feel better. I am writing this to let you know that our way of life, coping with chronic suffering, IS the way we live now. There is no cure. Now, after 2 years I am getting better with keeping my attitude positive. That in and of itself is mouthful, and just being able to say it and mean it helps put these 2 years of suffering in some kind of perspective.

So today as life begins again, I feel crippled by the pain, and know I will have periods of doubt and anguish, but life goes on. In the day ahead there will also be all the life around our world, filled with billions of us. Everyone with a different path and view of our world which makes me very interested in being involved.

I also know that many others are suffering from something today. Some much worse than others. It seems to be our lot in this life. I could of never guessed I would be 71 and have a chronic illness that nags at me all the time, but that is what the universe arranged. It's the only game in town, so I am going to do my best and staying involved. What else can we do?
Click to expand...
Sorry you're going through this, but know that physical pain is much different than emotional pain, pain of a broken heart. I think Ronni would make that trade at any time if she could just suffer with a physical ailment instead of the loss of her son. I can't imagine what she's going through, I never lost a child.
 
CallMeKate said:
I think it would be different... sometimes I look at things differently and when I wrote my response here, my thought process was that with physical pain, we can get meds even for the worst of the worst, to dull it even for a little while... but emotional devastation is still there under the surface even with meds. I also realized that most people with emotional devastation would gladly trade having their loved one back for having to deal with even the worst physical pain. I am aware that my way of thinking often differs from many others and I'm okay with that. @MarkD
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Long-term physical pain IS absolutely devastating, and meds don't do more than dull it. Ask me sometime how I know...
 
SeaBreeze said:
Sorry you're going through this, but know that physical pain is much different than emotional pain, pain of a broken heart. I think Ronni would make that trade at any time if she could just suffer with a physical ailment instead of the loss of her son. I can't imagine what she's going through, I never lost a child.
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My mother did and it devastated her when my brother died at 19. A child starts off as part of the mother. It must be overwhelming.

Ronni, not knowing you better I don’t know what to say but I feel your pain and offer you my condolences though that feels so inadequate to me. Please be as kind to yourself as you would to your best friend if it had been her son who was lost.
 
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MarkD said:
My mother did and it devastated her when my brother died at 19. A child starts off as part of the mother. It must be overwhelming.
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Yes, my mother lost my brother who was only thirty, and my sister who was in her early forties. It was sad for the whole family, but devastating and heartbreaking most of all for my mother. It was heart wrenching see her grieve for her children. We all expect to lose our parents at some point in time, but no parent expects to lose their child.

Condolences for the loss of your brother.....hugs.
 
Ronni...what you are experiencing is normal. Your loss is still "fresh", the wound is still open and has not healed. You will continue to have good days and bad days. You will get through each and every one. From your posts, I've seen your "progress" so far. You are doing things you didn't think possible when you first lost your beloved son.

My beloved DIL has been gone for 27 months. I took her son, my oldest grandson who was totally devastated when he found her, to lunch a couple of weeks ago. We were laughing and talking and he showed me a video he said reminded him of his mother. It was meant to make me laugh but instead I burst into tears...right there over lunch.

I felt bad about doing that in front of him because I didn't want him to start feeling the pain. He too has come a long way in the "getting on with life department". He held his composure, reached over a comforted me until I got myself together. Then we resumed talking about her...finding humor in the funny things she used to say and do. Remembering her that way does help.

I told you that story to let you know I truly understand what you are feeling and that the pain will sometimes be overridden by the activities of daily life, then resurface when you least expect it. I know it will happen again at some point because it has happened before, when I least expect it.

We just have to let ourselves feel what we are feeling during those times. What else can we do. In time, things will get a little bit better, maybe a lot better. But the deep sense of loss and grief will always be there. Lord...I know too many people who have lost their children and they are handling the losses in remarkable ways. I have no doubt that at some point, I will be able to count you among those people.
 
SeaBreeze said:
We all expect to lose our parents at some point in time, but no parent expects to lose their child.

Condolences for the loss of your brother.....hugs.
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Exactly. It’s unnatural for the child to pass first. It isn’t at all the same but I had a mentoring relationship with my brother Rodney who was six years younger. I passed along everything I could to him. Turns out that he’d established a similar relationship ship with my youngest brother Terry who is ten years younger than I after I’d grown up and left the family home. So we were both impacted by his death and have become close as adults. His two kids by a wife twenty years younger are like our grandkids and we know there won’t be others.
 
MarkD said:
Exactly. It’s unnatural for the child to pass first. It isn’t at all the same but I had a mentoring relationship with my brother Rodney who was six years younger. I passed along everything I could to him. Turns out that he’d established a similar relationship ship with my youngest brother Terry who is ten years younger than I after I’d grown up and left the family home. So we were both impacted by his death and have become close as adults. His two kids by a wife twenty years younger are like our grandkids and we know there won’t be others.
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So sorry for your loss Mark! My condolences to all who loved him. May your brother R.I.P.
 
Paco Dennis said:
Dear Ronni, I realize now that sharing my experience was not the best idea. My intention was to express empathy and understanding, but I realize now that it may have come across differently. I might of unintentionally caused hurt and that I want to offer my sincere apologies and support.
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You have no need to apologize. ❤️ I understood completely your intention to empathize from within your own frame of reference, and I very much appreciate that even as I would give any amount of unendurable physical pain to have my sweet boy back.

On the other hand I’ve never experienced the kind of physical pain you’re talking about other than the acute type, so I don’t have your frame of reference. I know at least two people and suspect a third of having taken their lives because of a level of chronic pain that became impossible to bear, and these folks used to be strong, vibrant people.

Thank you for your heartfelt share @Paco Dennis ❤️
 
@Ronni, I thought of you when I read Maria Popova’s weekly newsletter of her Marginallian and it gave me solace. So I’m sharing it with you in hopes of there being some of that in it for you too. Her whole piece today so far as I’ve read is on that theme. Here is a link to her website: The Marginalian

Love Anyway​

You know that the price of life is death, that the price of love is loss, and still you watch the golden afternoon light fall on a face you love, knowing that the light will soon fade, knowing that the loving face too will one day fade to indifference or bone, and you love anyway — because life is transient but possible, because love alone bridges the impossible and the eternal.
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Do you want to tell us about Devin? Is that a picture of him with his son?
 

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