Why is it considered impolite to talk badly of your ex?

Jules said:
Anyone that knows him is aware that he’s only kidding himself. He’s a man in his 60s making up excuses for his running off with a hot young cookie. He doesn’t want anyone to think that he an old fool. He’s not fooling anyone except himself.
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Incidentally Jules just as an aside.. another thorn in the side, is that she is not attractive to anyone aside from some 60 odd yer old......she's not what anyone would call attractive....
 

VintageBetter said:
Like, I would never tell a small child the real horrors of war. They don't need to know that yet and it's not good for them. (Which is one of the reasons the college protestors are so angry because that war is happening to children.)
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Don't have an ex & don't plan on it.

Trash talk is an opinion. Facts on the other hand IF ASKED------ IMO should be responded to.

As for college protestors. Where were they on Oct. 7th.
Israeli report: 38 children killed on October 7, thousands traumatized - I24NEWS.
 
Lara said:
In my opinion, that saying, "it takes two to tango", is not true in all cases. Some people "tango" all on their own from beginning to end. Call it verbal abuse or physical abuse but the victim may well be just that...a victim.
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So true. There really and truly are socio/psychopaths out there in the world, who are very accomplished at tricking others, and some people are unlucky enough to fall into their orbit (i.e., marry one, give birth to one, have one for a sibling); it happens more than what some people realize.
 
Oh, I could write a book on the subject....... I married at age 20, had 4 kids right away, and divorced after 21 years. She got a boyfriend, and one day I came home to an almost totally empty house (2650 sq ft). I was single for 14 years, remarried now for 24 years.

The thing is, I did nothing apparent to cause the divorce, she just wanted to get away and be "free". The boyfriend passed away long ago, and my kids (all mid 50s) treat her like "Mother Teresa". She has pulled many stunts on them, but they still cherish her. To put it bluntly, Dad is taken for granted as having no needs that he can't take care of.

All said, as much as I'd like, I won't talk badly about their mother to my kids. But if anyone else asks, boy I could tell some real good ones......
 
VintageBetter said:
My whole adult life I've heard that admonition: don't talk badly of your ex-spouse because then people will think you are a bitter and angry person.

On the other hand, in therapy one of the things the experts say is that one key to mental health is telling yourself the truth. No matter how bad the facts were, if you deny reality, you're actually practicing being mentally unwell. This is not the same as when we tell little kids there is a Santa Claus. In those cases, we make the facts age appropriate, right? Like, I would never tell a small child the real horrors of war. They don't need to know that yet and it's not good for them. (Which is one of the reasons the college protestors are so angry because that war is happening to children.)

So why is is still a "thing" in polite society not to tell the truth about how bad your ex was? And if your ex-spouse was terrible to you, why is that YOUR fault, right? Why does polite society still tell you to cover for them in your conversations?
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I guess I think that's ok but I wouldn't talk bad about them to his children unless he was bad enough that he was a danger to them.
 
I made it a point never to badmouth my ex to my sons. I let them make their own conclusions. Right now she is sitting on a piece of property worth over $ 2 Mil. It would be great if our sons would inherit it, but she is too mean to die yet.
 
I think with an ex sometimes a bit of a connection remains because of kids or friends. Talking smack about someone those kids or friends are still close to can cause loyalty issues, you can easily alienate those people if they become uncomfortable with your negative comments.

But in general conversation I see nothing wrong with mentioning a shitty ex as long as you don't let the hatred become an obsession, that does your health no good.
 
hollydolly said:
How he ..a wife beater, and cheater could feel he's the injured party is beyond any right minded peson's understanding...
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I find most people think they are right (all/most times); even the beasts. Seen this over & over & over again.

For those curious, I usually feel I'm wrong.
 
I have three ex wives. When I had surgery last Oct. all three helped me at different times. Two of them went to appointments with me post surgery at the same time. Ex #3 is probably the only one that is not happy with me and we had the shortest marriage by a long shot.

I had a surgical procedure last Tuesday and Ex #2 took me but #1 offered to. I guess I understand all the rancor with ex spouses if they made you miserable but continuing on to hold hate and anger isn't healthy. I had two children with both of my first two wives. That forever connects us. When my oldest have birthdays my ex invites me and my other two children over for the dinner birthday. My other ex comes over to eat at times like this past Easter with our two kids.

This may sound bizarre but I still love my ex wives. All three of them. They were all extremely important people in my life. And still are. I am not happy alone and would be glad to have any of them back. I think #1 would be glad to have me back and she is the one with a good reason to hate me. But she married a retired lawyer. Great guy I love talking to. The other two will remain single the rest of their life I am sure.
 
stephenPE said:
I have three ex wives. When I had surgery last Oct. all three helped me at different times. Two of them went to appointments with me post surgery at the same time. Ex #3 is probably the only one that is not happy with me and we had the shortest marriage by a long shot.

I had a surgical procedure last Tuesday and Ex #2 took me but #1 offered to. I guess I understand all the rancor with ex spouses if they made you miserable but continuing on to hold hate and anger isn't healthy. I had two children with both of my first two wives. That forever connects us. When my oldest have birthdays my ex invites me and my other two children over for the dinner birthday. My other ex comes over to eat at times like this past Easter with our two kids.

This may sound bizarre but I still love my ex wives. All three of them. They were all extremely important people in my life. And still are. I am not happy alone and would be glad to have any of them back. I think #1 would be glad to have me back and she is the one with a good reason to hate me. But she married a retired lawyer. Great guy I love talking to. The other two will remain single the rest of their life I am sure.
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You sound like the exception and must be a great guy to hang with.
 
C50 said:
I think with an ex sometimes a bit of a connection remains because of kids or friends. Talking smack about someone those kids or friends are still close to can cause loyalty issues, you can easily alienate those people if they become uncomfortable with your negative comments.

But in general conversation I see nothing wrong with mentioning a shitty ex as long as you don't let the hatred become an obsession, that does your health no good.
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I think you hit the nail on the head on all accounts.
 
@PeppermintPatty Sigh..... you sound like so many MALE pastors I have heard preachin' and making jokes about how their wives do all the work and keep them in line, hardee-har-har.

I should ask one of these pastors sometime, "Don't you have the moral fibre, the moral fortitude, to keep yourself in line?"

I'm not going to trash talk my ex here, not today anyway, because I really posted this question just to hear what others think, but to give you an example of one way I try to comfort myself when I'm haunted by bad and super-bad memories of him, one of the jokes I tell myself is:

"Well, look at it this way - some unfortunate lady even married the Golden State Killer. At least my ex is not a serial killer (that we know of)."

"It could have been worse" is my Minnesota heritage talking.

WHEN THEY TELL US TO FORGIVE, PATTY, ARE THEY REALLY TELLING US TO SHUT UP?

That's another question I'd love to poll all preachers on - send out a national poll. DO NOT allow them to make written answers to that question.

"Pastors, preachers, priests: when you tell the flock to forgive are you really telling them to shut up?" There's two answer choices to that question only, yes or no.

Choose one: Either you will allow women to talk about all the hurts and ill-treatment in their lives or you will choose "Yes", which means you preach forgiveness because you want women to shut the ____ up.
 
Well I don't think anyone should badmouth anyone to just anybody who they think will listen. If someone really needs to get something off his/her chest about what an ex did or didn't do, it's best to talk with a good friend or therapist. I could have said a lot of negative things to my son about his father, who was my first husband and they would have been true, but I refrained from doing that. I've seen how that kind of thing can really mess up a child's mind. I'm glad I handled it that way. Long story, but when they finally reunited (my son was a grown man by then), my son got to form his own opinions and they had an amicable relationship, though not a close one.
 
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stephenPE said:
I have three ex wives. When I had surgery last Oct. all three helped me at different times. Two of them went to appointments with me post surgery at the same time. Ex #3 is probably the only one that is not happy with me and we had the shortest marriage by a long shot.

I had a surgical procedure last Tuesday and Ex #2 took me but #1 offered to. I guess I understand all the rancor with ex spouses if they made you miserable but continuing on to hold hate and anger isn't healthy. I had two children with both of my first two wives. That forever connects us. When my oldest have birthdays my ex invites me and my other two children over for the dinner birthday. My other ex comes over to eat at times like this past Easter with our two kids.

This may sound bizarre but I still love my ex wives. All three of them. They were all extremely important people in my life. And still are. I am not happy alone and would be glad to have any of them back. I think #1 would be glad to have me back and she is the one with a good reason to hate me. But she married a retired lawyer. Great guy I love talking to. The other two will remain single the rest of their life I am sure.
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I have heard about relationships like you have with your ex-wives, but I have never witnessed such. I'm not going to say, "You must be a great guy". I'm going to say, "The 3 or 4 of you must have had a quality of relationship that I am not familiar with." In other words, you don't get all the credit. These women must get credit too.
 
VintageBetter said:
I have heard about relationships like you have with your ex-wives, but I have never witnessed such. I'm not going to say, "You must be a great guy". I'm going to say, "The 3 or 4 of you must have had a quality of relationship that I am not familiar with." In other words, you don't get all the credit. These women must get credit too.
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Not to be nasty to Stephen..but come on. he can't be such a great guy if he's divorced from 3 women....
 
@PeppermintPatty I'm very sad and sorry to hear about all the abuse you have suffered. I really am. If you found forgiveness was the right path for you, then that's fine. It really is.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm not talking about you - I'm talking about the many preachers I have heard over the years, 99.5% of whom have never even been through a divorce or domestic violence/abuse and yet, they are sure see themselves as experts on the topic.

You're attacking me at the end of your post because you're angry that your path is a path I cannot see for myself. To me, forgiveness means he gets to walk away scott-free and I go the rest of my life being silent about it all.

I just don't want to be silent anymore. That seems to be a hard ask of society, doesn't it? To let the hurt and damaged women speak. Straight men sure like to see us, preferably in various stages of undress, but darn it, we'd better shut up and not complain about that either.

I would hope that you finally called the police or at least a lawyer about what your dad did to you, even after the statute of limitations. That's what I would hope - that you would read some books on LAWS in your state so that you can at least imagine that child you were calling the police and writing a different ending to the abuse than the one you had in real life.

Here's a good beginner's law book - not so you can hate, but so you can know there are laws about what you endured. https://www.amazon.com/Law-101-Everything-About-American/dp/0190866322
 
stephenPE said:
I have three ex wives. When I had surgery last Oct. all three helped me at different times. Two of them went to appointments with me post surgery at the same time. Ex #3 is probably the only one that is not happy with me and we had the shortest marriage by a long shot.

I had a surgical procedure last Tuesday and Ex #2 took me but #1 offered to. I guess I understand all the rancor with ex spouses if they made you miserable but continuing on to hold hate and anger isn't healthy. I had two children with both of my first two wives. That forever connects us. When my oldest have birthdays my ex invites me and my other two children over for the dinner birthday. My other ex comes over to eat at times like this past Easter with our two kids.

This may sound bizarre but I still love my ex wives. All three of them. They were all extremely important people in my life. And still are. I am not happy alone and would be glad to have any of them back. I think #1 would be glad to have me back and she is the one with a good reason to hate me. But she married a retired lawyer. Great guy I love talking to. The other two will remain single the rest of their life I am sure.
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Speaking nicely about your ex’es isn’t allowed on this thread.
 

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