Sister-in-Law, what to do?

Cornhusker

Cornhusker

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Nebraska Panhandle
I don't know if this is the right place for this, but here it is.
My sister-in-law, 67, lives alone in a small town of about 50 people, and she likes it there.
She moved here from Kansas and an even smaller town, bought a little house and settled in..
She's been here for around 5 years or so, moving about a year after her husband committed suicide.
She told me the other day that she just can't take care of her place anymore, and to be honest, she never has.
The house is a pit, trash, papers, boxes and stuff everywhere. You can't walk through her house or even sit down.
She has a small yard, and last week she hired a "yard guy" to mow for her and he hooked her for over $1200
I told her she should sell out and buy a condo, but she doesn't want to leave her little town.
I think she'd have to move to Denver or Cheyenne, and that's not going to happen.
There's always assisted living, but she's afraid of the cost, plus, there is none in her little town.
Amy suggestions?
 

Cornhusker said:
I don't know if this is the right place for this, but here it is.
My sister-in-law, 67, lives alone in a small town of about 50 people, and she likes it there.
She moved here from Kansas and an even smaller town, bought a little house and settled in..
She's been here for around 5 years or so, moving about a year after her husband committed suicide.
She told me the other day that she just can't take care of her place anymore, and to be honest, she never has.
The house is a pit, trash, papers, boxes and stuff everywhere. You can't walk through her house or even sit down.
She has a small yard, and last week she hired a "yard guy" to mow for her and he hooked her for over $1200
I told her she should sell out and buy a condo, but she doesn't want to leave her little town.
I think she'd have to move to Denver or Cheyenne, and that's not going to happen.
There's always assisted living, but she's afraid of the cost, plus, there is none in her little town.
Amy suggestions?
Click to expand...
How sad :( Sounds like she needs some financial intervention. Don't mean to be unkind, but is she mentally capable of taking care of herself? If she's afraid of the cost of assisted living, which would probably be best for her, would she qualify for any county/state/government programs?

It's difficult to "help" some people that just don't want to be helped. I hope you can find a solution for her. She's not that old.
 
If she has a GP she trust, I'd suggest strongly she talk to him/her about maybe a mild dose of anti-depressants. I'm not big on prescription drugs, but depression in older people, especially the recently widowed, is VERY common. An inability to deal with the everyday details of life, like tidying up the house, could be a symptom.

My MIL suffered depression after her husband died, and the anti-depressant really did help her. After about a year he discontinued it, and she was fine. She had gotten into exercise classes at the senior center; the increase in physical activity and meeting new people was enough so that she didn't need the pills any longer.

I truly believe if she had NOT gotten the prescription she would have remained at home, just watching TV and saying "no" to every suggestion of moving on with her life. We could not get her to do anything until she started taking the anti-depressant.

We have several friends diagnosed with bi-polar illness and when they are "down", they really do feel that they simply cannot bring themselves to do anything positive at all. Even taking a shower or washing a couple of dishes feels like one is trying to climb Mt. Everest in flip-flops.
 
Lethe200 said:
If she has a GP she trust, I'd suggest strongly she talk to him/her about maybe a mild dose of anti-depressants. I'm not big on prescription drugs, but depression in older people, especially the recently widowed, is VERY common. An inability to deal with the everyday details of life, like tidying up the house, could be a symptom.

My MIL suffered depression after her husband died, and the anti-depressant really did help her. After about a year he discontinued it, and she was fine. She had gotten into exercise classes at the senior center; the increase in physical activity and meeting new people was enough so that she didn't need the pills any longer.

I truly believe if she had NOT gotten the prescription she would have remained at home, just watching TV and saying "no" to every suggestion of moving on with her life. We could not get her to do anything until she started taking the anti-depressant.

We have several friends diagnosed with bi-polar illness and when they are "down", they really do feel that they simply cannot bring themselves to do anything positive at all. Even taking a shower or washing a couple of dishes feels like one is trying to climb Mt. Everest in flip-flops.
Click to expand...
I'm recently widowed and I can tell you that occasional depression is hard to deal with. I had a doctor's appt. in May (hubby died in October) and the first thing she asked me (besides how am I doing) was...do you "need any help"? That was a big no. Some people need a little "help" but I'm strong and prefer to get through this without any pharmaceuticals, thank you very much.
 
Colleen said:
How sad :( Sounds like she needs some financial intervention. Don't mean to be unkind, but is she mentally capable of taking care of herself? If she's afraid of the cost of assisted living, which would probably be best for her, would she qualify for any county/state/government programs?

It's difficult to "help" some people that just don't want to be helped. I hope you can find a solution for her. She's not that old.
Click to expand...
She's OK mentally, and by that I mean she's not slow or crazy, (Retired RN) but she does suffer from sleep disorders and I think she may have a bit of depression, but I'm not a doctor, so that's just a hunch.
Financially, she's ok. She gets Social Security, a railroad pension (Ex husband is retired railroad) and she inherited a sizable chunk that she tries not to touch although she does draw some of the interest to supplement her income.
She just won't do what needs done. It's like she can't.
She has enough money that she wouldn't be eligible for any assistance. that's my guess.
I think she's afraid of losing her money, her house and her independence.
But she can't go on like she is.
I may suggest she get some therapy. Is that a good or bad idea?
Are there therapists that specialize in seniors?
 
Colleen said:
I'm recently widowed and I can tell you that occasional depression is hard to deal with. I had a doctor's appt. in May (hubby died in October) and the first thing she asked me (besides how am I doing) was...do you "need any help"? That was a big no. Some people need a little "help" but I'm strong and prefer to get through this without any pharmaceuticals, thank you very much.
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It really doesn't get better with time no matter what they tell you. It's been almost 5 years since I lost my Sue and I still deal with it every day. I, too, was asked about taking antidepressants and I refused. I barely can manage the self-destructive situation as it is. Adding a new chemical into my brain may or may not push me over the edge (listen to the drug commercials for the adverse effects) and is not something that I'm willing to risk. Vodka solves most of my problems. Lots and lots of vodka. I buy it by the case.

As far as the Sister in Law goes, there is only so much you can do unless you either commit her or go and get her then bring her into your home. People will only accept help if they are willing. You can't force them to accept help unless it is at the point of a government gun.
 
His Dudeness said:
It really doesn't get better with time no matter what they tell you. It's been almost 5 years since I lost my Sue and I still deal with it every day. I, too, was asked about taking antidepressants and I refused. I barely can manage the self-destructive situation as it is. Adding a new chemical into my brain may or may not push me over the edge (listen to the drug commercials for the adverse effects) and is not something that I'm willing to risk. Vodka solves most of my problems. Lots and lots of vodka. I buy it by the case.

As far as the Sister in Law goes, there is only so much you can do unless you either commit her or go and get her then bring her into your home. People will only accept help if they are willing. You can't force them to accept help unless it is at the point of a government gun.
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I forgot to mention, she drinks spiced rum every day.
She never seems to get drunk, but that much rum can't be good for a person
 
Colleen said:
I'm recently widowed and I can tell you that occasional depression is hard to deal with. I had a doctor's appt. in May (hubby died in October) and the first thing she asked me (besides how am I doing) was...do you "need any help"? That was a big no. Some people need a little "help" but I'm strong and prefer to get through this without any pharmaceuticals, thank you very much.
Click to expand...
I'm kind of the same way, but I haven't had any real big trauma in the last couple years since losing my sisters to cancer.
I don't ask for help because I've had to do everything myself for so long, I wouldn't know how
 
Cornhusker said:
I don't know if this is the right place for this, but here it is.
My sister-in-law, 67, lives alone in a small town of about 50 people, and she likes it there.
She moved here from Kansas and an even smaller town, bought a little house and settled in..
She's been here for around 5 years or so, moving about a year after her husband committed suicide.
She told me the other day that she just can't take care of her place anymore, and to be honest, she never has.
The house is a pit, trash, papers, boxes and stuff everywhere. You can't walk through her house or even sit down.
She has a small yard, and last week she hired a "yard guy" to mow for her and he hooked her for over $1200
I told her she should sell out and buy a condo, but she doesn't want to leave her little town.
I think she'd have to move to Denver or Cheyenne, and that's not going to happen.
There's always assisted living, but she's afraid of the cost, plus, there is none in her little town.
Amy suggestions?
Click to expand...
I’m still trying to get over the lawn guy charging her $1,200.00. Are you sure it wasn’t $120.00. You said it was a small lawn. Did they relawn the entire yard?

Some women might not have any mental disorder and then menopause sets in.
 
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Cornhusker said:
She just won't do what needs done. It's like she can't.
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⬆️⬆️⬆️ That right there.... "it's like she can't." That sounds very much like depression, yes. Sometimes just getting out of bed is a major accomplishment, let alone getting daily necessities done. She's been through a lot. She's relatively young, she's financially secure and mentally stable... so sure you can suggest therapy, but I'm thinking she won't take your advice and will think she can deal with it all on her own. She'll have to reach a place where *she* knows therapy would help her. I wish her the best!
 
PeppermintPatty said:
Some women might not have any mental disorder and then menopause sets in.
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I can attest to that. My Sue had a really hard time with that. We were just south of Atlanta (we were living in an 18-wheeler saving money for a house) and she just up and decided she was leaving. The truck stop was not a safe location outside of the truck, especially after dark, and I had to physically restrain her from making a big mistake by trying to walk to the main building, expecting her daughter to come and pick her up by driving from VA...although she wouldn't come to visit her from the neighboring city when we lived in VA. Menopause is hell for women.
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I’m still trying to get over the lawn guy charging her $1,200.00. Are you sure it wasn’t $120.00. You said it was a small lawn. Did they relawn the entire yard?

Some women might not have any mental disorder and then menopause sets in.
Click to expand...
I saw the invoice on the lawn. He mowed the front yard, planted 4 or 5 flowers and as far as I know, that's it.
 
hearlady said:
I understand self medicating. But I also understand that with sobriety sleep is better, anxiety level is lower, depression level is significantly better, physical health is better. Life is better.
Not telling you what to do. I just know these things.
Click to expand...
I drink because I don't have a reason not to. I'm constantly in pain, mentally and physically, and opioids don't work. I use it for a distraction, along with watching movies, to lessen the impact.
 
Cornhusker said:
I don't know if this is the right place for this, but here it is.
My sister-in-law, 67, lives alone in a small town of about 50 people, and she likes it there.
She moved here from Kansas and an even smaller town, bought a little house and settled in..
She's been here for around 5 years or so, moving about a year after her husband committed suicide.
She told me the other day that she just can't take care of her place anymore, and to be honest, she never has.
The house is a pit, trash, papers, boxes and stuff everywhere. You can't walk through her house or even sit down.
She has a small yard, and last week she hired a "yard guy" to mow for her and he hooked her for over $1200
I told her she should sell out and buy a condo, but she doesn't want to leave her little town.
I think she'd have to move to Denver or Cheyenne, and that's not going to happen.
There's always assisted living, but she's afraid of the cost, plus, there is none in her little town.
Amy suggestions?
Click to expand...

You did say she was lucid, correct? Not attending to daily matters like clean-up may indicate some signs of depression, particularly after her husband committed suicide.

Cornhusker said:
I forgot to mention, she drinks spiced rum every day.
She never seems to get drunk, but that much rum can't be good for a person
Click to expand...
Living alone, drinking... has the appearance of self-medicating...another sign of depression lurking.

I'm not trying to hang a label on your SIL, it all just looks familiar from my own behavior, after having lost my daughter a couple years ago. The blue elephant is still with me.
 
Cornhusker said:
I saw the invoice on the lawn. He mowed the front yard, planted 4 or 5 flowers and as far as I know, that's it.
Click to expand...
That’s not $1200 worth of work. I wouldn’t have paid it. Just sayin.

It’s not uncommon for older women to go into depression. The dwindling lack of estrogen does strange things to our emotions. I don’t know what advice to give. There’s clearly a lot going on there. I’d just stay in touch and offer an emotional shoulder to lean on.
 
Was your SIL upset with the $1200 fee? If so, (I don’t know if you’re a man) maybe you could go and ask the contractor to explain the charges. This guy knows he can get away with this. He’s taking advantage of a fragile woman.

Was your SIL messy or a hoarder before your brother passed away?
 
PeppermintPatty said:
I’m still trying to get over the lawn guy charging her $1,200.00. Are you sure it wasn’t $120.00. You said it was a small lawn. Did they relawn the entire yard?

Some women might not have any mental disorder and then menopause
Click to expand...

Maybe she could be reminded to get a price before the work is done in the future. And definitely not with the same guy.
 

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