Chronic diseases and effects on marriage

The truth is some people can do it, caregiving, some people can't. I, thankfully could do it. I am not saying it was easy, it was not but it had to be done. I took care of my husband after a terminal cancer diagnosis. they said 8 months to a year. We were lucky, we got 5 years and 1 month. It was hard, working full time, keeping up with a 17 year old very busy high school schedule, track, band, IB classes.

There was lots of travel for treatment, there were many stays in the hospital, there was a brain surgery, rehabs. Worst of all were the times when he did not understand what was happening. Our son telling him, if Mom is not taking care of you, you will die, when he would not know the situation.

It was not a matter if I would take care of him, it was would he let me? He would get confused, normally with his condition. It was scary every day, I do not know to this day how I managed it all but I did, for me there was no option. I loved this boy, this man I fell in love with at 15. I l love him still to this day.
 

Rose65 said:
I was very surprised at these statistics too and found it very sad. To abandon the one you professed to love for a lifetime when real illness sets in is appalling. That is the time to be strong, get help of course but never turn your back on duty. Because duty it is, in my opinion.
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now you're beginning to get aches and pains that many of us here already have been suffering from... are you now concerned your husband will leave you, Rose?
 
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mrstime said:
We both have problems, I have a lot of pain, he can't walk without his walker because he falls. We have been married 67 years I think we will stay that way!
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I'm so sorry you're living with a lot of pain, that's very depressing for you..

Can I ask a question without seeming to be rude...? When you look at the man you're married to now compared to the man you married almost 70 years ago... and he's walking with a walker....what are you thinking
 
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Our neighbors just lived this one out. He was very sick with the Cancer for at least a couple of years. Really bad the last year. We saw how hard it was on her. We had to help pick him up off the floor or out of a chair a couple of times - very hard as I'm not young man anymore.
When he finally passed earlier this year - his wife is wore out and her health is not good.

My Dad cared for my Mother for abit over 3 years after she had a stroke. It broke him in body and spirit. I was alone there with Mom when she took her last breath. It was a hard thing but I am glad I was there. My Dad was in the next room - it was just too much for him.
 
hollydolly said:
I'm so sorry you're living with a lot of pain, that's very depressing for you..

Can I ask a question without seeming to be rude...? When you look at the man you're married to now compared to the man you married almost 70 years ago... and he's walking with a walker....what are you thinking
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He is still the same man I married all those years ago, just that he isn't steady on his feet any more. I married a very sweet man, and he is still sweet. I'm so lucky in that respect.
 
dilettante said:
I shouldn't post here since I'm not in or likely to be in such a situation.

I believe that without adequate support being a caregiver can take quite a toll, more so at an advanced age yourself. Add your own health issues and it must add up to an awful lot to deal with. The whole thing has to be mentally and physically debilitating. Resentment could be difficult to resist and suppress.
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Did you know that a special needs baby causes a marriage severe stress? . This is demonstrated by the statistics.
Surveys show that the rate of divorce in families with a child with disabilities may be as high as 87%.
 
Before he got sick, I was seriously thinking about divorcing my husband. I still loved him and I know he loved me, but we had what I guess the catch term is these days...irreconcilable differences that were very frustrating for me and I'm sure for him too at times. It was literally disturbing my peace. When his health started failing, I couldn't believe how quickly he deteriorated, going from a healthy, virile man to being diagnosed with several serious, chronic, debilitating conditions within a couple of months. The younger men often asked him how he stayed looking so young, but he aged noticeably during that time.

I never would have left him in that condition. Instead I took good care of him when he was home and made sure he got proper care when he was in the hospital and rehab facility. Three months after the first sign of serious illnesses, when it became likely that he wouldn't make it, I was at the hospital for up to 14 hours a day. I couldn't sit with him the entire time because he was in the ICU and ICU visits were rotated 15 minutes at a time. He had a humongous family and so many friends that came to see him. By the time he passed, I was all cried out and totally exhausted.
 
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old medic said:
Between my debilitating accident and the DW Cancer scare and ongoing treatments, yes it has created increased tensions and issues in our relationship. We both understand the stress behind it and deal with it.
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Old medic... how are things with you now after that horrendous accident ?... how much recovery has been made, what's the likelihood of a full recovery for you ?
 
I am sure that either of us would care for the other when or if the situation arises.
I have told my husband that if I get dementia not to feel guilty putting me in a facility when it becomes too much.
I would have help with him through the V.A.
In sickness and in health.
When it comes to young couples that is a very hard situation. They need as much help and counseling as they can get.
 
I was kind of aware that my husband would not care for me if I got seriously sick...

His mother had MS... when she got really poorly and was in a nursing home, he wouldn't go there.. he didn't go to her funeral either, despite my pleas...

When I first had a problem with my lower back and had not been diagnosed yet with herniated discs , so had no pain relief...... I'd been suffering for a while with the agonising pain, and some days I couldn't stand up without using a walking stick to support me ..

We'd gone grocery shopping one day, and as I got out of the car my back went out... and I could barely stand , it was agony.. so I asked him would he push me in the disability chair around the store, I didn't want to go in it, but I couldn't walk..... there was a resounding No... , so it was then I realised that he would never be there for me if I got seriously sick..
 
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hollydolly said:
Old medic... how are things with you now after that horrendous accident ?... how much recovery has been made, what's the likelihood of a full recovery for you ?
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All things considered, doing great. At 1st they thought I would loose one, if not both legs. I finally came off crutches about 2 months ago, and currently hobble around carrying a cane just to help with balance and stairs. Extensive nerve damage in both legs causes me to easily trip, but the foot drop issue is improved to the point I dont need to wear the brace anymore. The Dr is still concerned about the femur not healing up completely and suggesting another surgery to replace that rod. Yippie.... lucky number 13. Full recovery is very doubtful. May get back to 80%.
Still waiting on a disability to decide...
DW had lung cancer removed, further biopsy all negative, Ovaries removed and all negative, last PET scan negative, Chemo done and has about 10 months of Keytruda to go.
Thanks for asking Love
 
My Wife has more than her share of maladies, with a few that are unusual and have affected us. She incurred Ischial Bursitis about 10 years ago and while it has lessened (with the help of 2 hole cushions), it drastically reduced her ability to take any length of trip. But we deal with it.

The other is pretty rough - Sjogren's - which is a problem that causes total body dryness, loss of hair, joint pains, etc. At first it was "no big deal", but over time it has become a daily challenge.

And then there is the obvious onset of dementia (likely vascular) which we deal with quite well.

One other problem of note is the taking of blood/platelet thinners. Dang, she bruises so easily, and you can literally watch them grow under her super thin skin.

Now here is my view...... I hate that my Wife suffers and would gladly take them from her. And I'm glad that I am pretty healthy and can and will watch over her. I will take care of her to the end, and if she has to be placed, I will be with her as much as possible.

Believe me, it isn't easy, but she is my Wife, and if the roles were reversed, she would treat me likewise.

Have to add, going thru all of this is a bit easier considering the excellent insurance we have and great doctors nearby.
 
hollydolly said:
now you're beginning to get aches and pains that many of us here already have been suffering from... are you now concerned your husband will leave you, Rose?
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Not exactly. I am worried about being decrepit and disabled. My knees are getting better but these last few weeks have scared me. To not be able to walk except very slowly with a stick.
My husband wants to go places, it's lovely weather, but I just cannot. I feel guilty and embarrassed after being such a busy able person.
 
old medic said:
All things considered, doing great. At 1st they thought I would loose one, if not both legs. I finally came off crutches about 2 months ago, and currently hobble around carrying a cane just to help with balance and stairs. Extensive nerve damage in both legs causes me to easily trip, but the foot drop issue is improved to the point I dont need to wear the brace anymore. The Dr is still concerned about the femur not healing up completely and suggesting another surgery to replace that rod. Yippie.... lucky number 13. Full recovery is very doubtful. May get back to 80%.
Still waiting on a disability to decide...
DW had lung cancer removed, further biopsy all negative, Ovaries removed and all negative, last PET scan negative, Chemo done and has about 10 months of Keytruda to go.
Thanks for asking Love
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Awwww.. you have so been through the mill this last year... and your poor wife too...:( I'm delighted that your doing much better I somehow knew if anyone would, then you would... but fantastic news for your wife poor woman she's gone through so much as you have too.. not enough that you have to concentrate on your own health but while so poorly having to care for your partner as well..both of you.

I hope the docs are right and you get 80 % recovery... full recovery would be fantastic of course, but the damage done was so extensive...all in a few seconds... just horrible...

Keep going , you and Mrs medic are made of strong stuff, you can do it... and I wish everything for you both that you wish for yourselves.. (y)🤗..
 
Rose65 said:
Not exactly. I am worried about being decrepit and disabled. My knees are getting better but these last few weeks have scared me. To not be able to walk except very slowly with a stick.
My husband wants to go places, it's lovely weather, but I just cannot. I feel guilty and embarrassed after being such a busy able person.
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I totally understand, that's how I felt when the discs in my back herniated. I felt embarrassed that I was unable to do everything as I always did, and having to use a walking stick and various disability gadgets for a few months .. and guilty, because I couldn't always do things or be places that I should have been.

However, altho' I still suffer pain in my back.. it has had several procedures on it over the years .. and has my knees... and I am almost as fit as I was when I was 25... . for example I've just come back 15 minutes ago from a 2 hour walk through the woods ... and along the lakes..not a stroll.. a brisk walk.. and you will too.. You've just got to get whatever procedures you need, and keep exercising as much as you can.. even if it's just up and down the garden until you can do more.. .
 
OneEyedDiva said:
Before he got sick, I was seriously thinking about divorcing my husband. I still loved him and I know he loved me, but we had what I guess the catch term is these days...irreconcilable differences that were very frustrating for me and I'm sure for him too at times. It was literally disturbing my peace. When his health started failing, I couldn't believe how quickly he deteriorated, going from a healthy, virile man to being diagnosed with several serious, chronic, debilitating conditions within a couple of months. The younger men often asked him how he stayed looking so young, but he aged noticeably during that time.

I never would have left him in that condition. Instead I took good care of him when he was home and made sure he got proper care when he was in the hospital and rehab facility. Three months after the first sign of serious illnesses, when it became likely that he wouldn't make it, I was at the hospital for up to 14 hours a day. I couldn't sit with him the entire time because he was in the ICU and ICU visits were rotated 15 minutes at a time. He had a humongous family and so many friends that came to see him. By the time he passed, I all cried out and totally exhausted.
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All cried out and totally exhausted, I am not surprised. The debilitation in your husband brought out the spirit in you. What a fighter you are, just incredible.
 
hollydolly said:
I was kind of aware that my husband would not care for me if I got seriously sick...

His mother had MS... when she got really poorly and was in a nursing home, he wouldn't go there.. he didn't go to her funeral either, despite my pleas...

When I first had a problem with my lower back and had not been diagnosed yet with herniated discs , so had no pain relief...... I'd been suffering for a while with the agonising pain, and some days I couldn't stand up without using a walking stick to support me ..

We'd gone grocery shopping one day, and as I got out of the car my back went out... and I could barely stand , it was agony.. so I asked him would he push me in the disability chair around the store, I didn't want to go in it, but I couldn't walk..... there was a resounding No... , so it was then I realised that he would never be there for me if I got seriously sick..
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I can't imagine how hard that was. Just awful.

I've been talking about doing online grocery shopping and so on to my husband. It is too hard for me now to get round the supermarket. I just want to be practical. To my surprise he said he thinks I am 'giving up'. I feel hurt because this is not the case. I just want to be prepared, osteoarthritis is going to get worse until I can get knee replacements and that will certainly take time. At present if I overdo things at all I flare up, the pain and stiffness is awful. I am taking naproxen which helps. I can't do gardening, cleaning, walk our dog for now.
He will stick by me but I get the feeling he resents my ailments. I expect he will come to terms in time.
 
hollydolly said:
I was kind of aware that my husband would not care for me if I got seriously sick...

His mother had MS... when she got really poorly and was in a nursing home, he wouldn't go there.. he didn't go to her funeral either, despite my pleas...

When I first had a problem with my lower back and had not been diagnosed yet with herniated discs , so had no pain relief...... I'd been suffering for a while with the agonising pain, and some days I couldn't stand up without using a walking stick to support me ..

We'd gone grocery shopping one day, and as I got out of the car my back went out... and I could barely stand , it was agony.. so I asked him would he push me in the disability chair around the store, I didn't want to go in it, but I couldn't walk..... there was a resounding No... , so it was then I realised that he would never be there for me if I got seriously sick..
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I can't imagine how hard that was. Just awful.

I've been talking about doing online grocery shopping and so on to my husband. I just want to be practical. It is too hard now to get around the supermarket. To my surprise he said he thinks I am giving up. I feel hurt because this is not the case. I just want to be prepared, osteoarthritis is going to get worse until I can get knee replacements and that will certainly take time. At present if I overdo things at all I flare up, the pain and stiffness is awful. I am taking naproxen which helps.
He will stick by me but I get the feeling he resents my ailments. I expect he will come to terms in time.
 
Rose65 said:
I can't imagine how hard that was. Just awful.

I've been talking about doing online grocery shopping and so on to my husband. It is too hard for me now. I just want to be practical. To my surprise he said he thinks I am 'giving up'. I feel hurt because this is not the case. I just want to be prepared, osteoarthritis is going to get worse until I can get knee replacements and that will certainly take time. At present if I overdo things at all I flare up, the pain and stiffness is awful. I am taking naproxen which helps. I can't do gardening, cleaning, walk our dog for now.
He will stick by me but I get the feeling he resents my ailments. I expect he will come to terms in time.
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Well as you know I've had these problems with my knees for a long time... yours may get worse it may not..you've not been diagnosed yet.. or gone to physio, so any of those can potentially make you better. Don't be thinking about knee replacements at this stage, you may never need them .

use everything that's available to you to help control the pain. At the stage I'm at Naproxen for me would be like taking an aspirin, but I'm pleased it works for you..

Do online shopping..do whatever it take to help with the pain, but it's really imperative that you get some medical diagnosis... , perhaps then your husband will realise that it's a genuine ailment..
 
hollydolly said:
Well as you know I've had these problems with my knees for a long time... yours may get worse it may not..you've not been diagnosed yet.. or gone to physio, so any of those can potentially make you better. Don't be thinking about knee replacements at this stage, you may never need them .

use everything that's available to you to help control the pain. At the stage I'm at Naproxen for me would be like taking an aspirin, but I'm pleased it works for you..

Do online shopping..do whatever it take to help with the pain, but it's really imperative that you get some medical diagnosis... , perhaps then your husband will realise that it's a genuine ailment..
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Thanks. I have been diagnosed, pretty bad osteoarthritis in both knees.
 

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