We met with our Realtor yesterday.

Ronni

Ronni

Well-known Member
Location
Nashville TN
I am not doing well emotionally surrounded by the constant memories of my son, which trigger deep grief and loss. Devin’s life permeates every aspect of the house, grounds and the surrounding neighborhood. On any given day there are going to be dozens of memories triggered by my surroundings that assault me, and mostly I end up in tears and not functional for some period of time.

I’ve discussed this at length with my counselor and in my support group, and everyone deals with this differently. There are some folks whose loved one’s room or belongings etc remain untouched for years following the loss, folks who find comfort in being amongst their loved one’s things. Others, like me, who can’t bear being surrounded by same, other than select photos and mementoes. Everyone grieves differenly and processes loss differently.

It’s become evident that I need to have some control over those triggers. Being randomly blindsided by them constantly has been very detrimental and I haven’t been able to get past the constant onslaught. I’m fighting so hard every minute to keep my head above water emotionally, and what I am able to manage feels forced and artificial.

For some time now, Ron and I have been discussing him being able to retire. He’s 78, he can’t keep up his work pace indefinitely. Even before Devin died we’d already been discussing the pros and cons of selling this house and moving to something smaller, using the equity in it to pay off the note and become debt free, enabling a comfortable retirement for him. We’ve both had a hard-scrabble life till recent years so we’re not as stable financially as many folks our age who have long since paid off their home and have invested wisely and are comfortable financially. .

Our realtor is confident (and the neighborhood comps back him up) that we can make a considerable profit from the house sale so that we can pay it off and also pay in full for another, smaller home which means no house payment, plus the areas we are thinking of moving to have ridiculously low property taxes compared to what we’re paying now, plus a smaller house means less utility and other costs, all of which equates to considerably lowered monthly expenses.

I love this house, but I love the idea of moving away from all these triggers a lot more and hopefully to eventually find some emotional stability.
 

Ronni said:
I am not doing well emotionally surrounded by the constant memories of my son, which trigger deep grief and loss. Devin’s life permeates every aspect of the house, grounds and the surrounding neighborhood. On any given day there are going to be dozens of memories triggered by my surroundings that assault me, and mostly I end up in tears and not functional for some period of time.

I’ve discussed this at length with my counselor and in my support group, and everyone deals with this differently. There are some folks whose loved one’s room or belongings etc remain untouched for years following the loss, folks who find comfort in being amongst their loved one’s things. Others, like me, who can’t bear being surrounded by same, other than select photos and mementoes. Everyone grieves differenly and processes loss differently.

It’s become evident that I need to have some control over those triggers. Being randomly blindsided by them constantly has been very detrimental and I haven’t been able to get past the constant onslaught. I’m fighting so hard every minute to keep my head above water emotionally, and what I am able to manage feels forced and artificial.

For some time now, Ron and I have been discussing him being able to retire. He’s 78, he can’t keep up his work pace indefinitely. Even before Devin died we’d already been discussing the pros and cons of selling this house and moving to something smaller, using the equity in it to pay off the note and become debt free, enabling a comfortable retirement for him. We’ve both had a hard-scrabble life till recent years so we’re not as stable financially as many folks our age who have long since paid off their home and have invested wisely and are comfortable financially. .

Our realtor is confident (and the neighborhood comps back him up) that we can make a considerable profit from the house sale so that we can pay it off and also pay in full for another, smaller home which means no house payment, plus the areas we are thinking of moving to have ridiculously low property taxes compared to what we’re paying now, plus a smaller house means less utility and other costs, all of which equates to considerably lowered monthly expenses.

I love this house, but I love the idea of moving away from all these triggers a lot more and hopefully to eventually find some emotional stability.
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I think it's a perfect idea. In recent years Ron & You have made that house beautiful, and it will have no problems selling.

I feel that everything you've said.. all the reasons you state for moving are etremely valid.. and if I were in your Shoes Ronni.. I would definitely do it...

have you thought where you would like to buy... is it very far from where you are now.. is it a place with no association to Devin ? .. your love and memories of him will never fade, but you need to live the rest of your life without having the wound constantly opened due to your surroundings... 🤗
 
Good decision. It's not easy making these tough decisions. I know. I know eventually I'm going to have to sell this big house but I'm not ready yet. I'm one of those that can't part with any of my husband's clothes. I feel comforted that part of him is still here.

I hope your home sells quickly. It's very stressful to move but if it gives you some peace in the end, then it's the right thing to do :) (((HUGS)))
 
Ronni said:
I am not doing well emotionally surrounded by the constant memories of my son, which trigger deep grief and loss. Devin’s life permeates every aspect of the house, grounds and the surrounding neighborhood. On any given day there are going to be dozens of memories triggered by my surroundings that assault me, and mostly I end up in tears and not functional for some period of time.

I’ve discussed this at length with my counselor and in my support group, and everyone deals with this differently. There are some folks whose loved one’s room or belongings etc remain untouched for years following the loss, folks who find comfort in being amongst their loved one’s things. Others, like me, who can’t bear being surrounded by same, other than select photos and mementoes. Everyone grieves differenly and processes loss differently.

It’s become evident that I need to have some control over those triggers. Being randomly blindsided by them constantly has been very detrimental and I haven’t been able to get past the constant onslaught. I’m fighting so hard every minute to keep my head above water emotionally, and what I am able to manage feels forced and artificial.

For some time now, Ron and I have been discussing him being able to retire. He’s 78, he can’t keep up his work pace indefinitely. Even before Devin died we’d already been discussing the pros and cons of selling this house and moving to something smaller, using the equity in it to pay off the note and become debt free, enabling a comfortable retirement for him. We’ve both had a hard-scrabble life till recent years so we’re not as stable financially as many folks our age who have long since paid off their home and have invested wisely and are comfortable financially. .

Our realtor is confident (and the neighborhood comps back him up) that we can make a considerable profit from the house sale so that we can pay it off and also pay in full for another, smaller home which means no house payment, plus the areas we are thinking of moving to have ridiculously low property taxes compared to what we’re paying now, plus a smaller house means less utility and other costs, all of which equates to considerably lowered monthly expenses.

I love this house, but I love the idea of moving away from all these triggers a lot more and hopefully to eventually find some emotional stability.
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One thing I learned over the years, that I sure wish someone had told me a very long time ago, is that after a great loss or severe trauma, don't rush into any other big decisions that are not easy to undo.

Some of us long to run away or escape from the painful memories. That is normal. I think that's why so many men rush into 2nd and 3rd marriages after the first one goes bad because they are running away from the break-up mentally, and need a new woman to be the nurse/ blot out the old memories.

On the other hand, and many studies have shown this, after losing a first marriage most women are much more likely to pour their attention into their children, friends, careers and into therapy rather than looking for a new husband.

You're still fresh in grief and you're going to be there for a long time, possibly. If you think it will help you, boxing up the triggers is easy to do. Boxes are cheap. And you can always un-box them later.

Start with a Pros and Cons List - two columns. Every good part of moving plus every bad part AND include the parts as to what happens when you or your spouse die. Be sure to include that part - if you have family nearby, maybe being closer to them is much better for the What Happens After One of Us Dies part.
 
hollydolly said:
have you thought where you would like to buy... is it very far from where you are now.. is it a place with no association to Devin ? ..
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@hollydolly I’ve given that considerable thought, Ron and I have discussed it at length.

I’ll continue to work for some time so we need a house with a similar 30-40 minute commute to the Belle Meade area of Nashville. We are primarily looking at the opposite side of Nashville to where we’re living now, putting me as far away as is possible from the triggers and memories. As an added bonus, it puts me just a bit closer to my kids who live in town. Th commute is similar, just approaching from the other direction.

That side of town is somewhat more rural too which I love. Rather than commuting via freeways and highways, I’ll be driving on more surface streets through country settings 2/3 to 3/4 of the way, depending on where specifically we settle. ❤️

We have a list of things we need to take care of per our realtor Damien who told Ron everything that needed to be fixed or tweaked (less than he thought thankfully) that an Inspector might mark, and also outlined to me what I needed to do, remove or change regarding the decorating to make it more photogenic.

Damien will get his professional photographer to come take photos, including a couple of drone shots to get a visual sense of the size of the yard and also to show the river in such close proximity—2 major selling points. He’ll also photoshop in a fire in the fireplace and some outside sunset shots with attractive angles. Gave me a whole different perspective on some of the photos I’ve seen on some of these realtor sites!!

He’d like to get the photos done and be able to post it by the weekend after next if we can get everything done by then.

Meanwhile he’s been sending us listings of available homes in the areas we want, just to give us a sense of what’s available. We’ve been pleased to see many homes that are appealing in our price range.
 
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Ronni, it sounds like you and Ron have taken the time to think everything out, and it's good that you discussed things during therapy.

I think this move is going to be a very positive change in your life. Being in closer proximity to family will be so good for you, and you will enjoy decorating a new home.

All the best, going forward with your plans.
 
I hesitate to throw a little tough love into this sweet positive thread, but I mean well and I hope it's helpful in your decision making. When my husband died suddenly I was told by others that they had heard not to make any big decisions for the first year after the loss of a loved one.

But what works for some may not work for others is also advice well taken. You can't get your house back once it's sold so just make sure you don't end up missing your son and your house both. Take your time if possible. I love your financial decision to pay off your house and buy another with the proceeds so you aren't strapped with loan payments. I did the same.

I waited 2 years before selling and moving to the east coast from the west coast. I never looked back. I did make some financial mistakes before my first year was up that I regret but I recovered and life went on.

Today I rent out my house in the summer and live in a small apartment below the house while it's rented. It's fun, lucrative, and keeps me busy 4 hours a week when previous renters leave and the new renters arrive. Then the rest of the week I can do anything I feel like...and the winter months are all mine to relax upstairs in the house.

Nashville attracts tourists so you might be able to do that too. I use airbnb. I'll pray for your protection as you make hard choices in a difficult time.
 
I think you should have a serious one on one conversation with your husband and make sure he is onboard with you or is he just willing to placate you? Some husbands will go with the wife’s wishes just to keep the peace and hope things will work out for the best. I had a friend that did that. His wife's mom died suddenly in their home and she just wanted to get out of that house. The husband decided that doing as she wanted was the best way to keep everyone happy and besides, “it was just a house.”

Two years later he divorced his wife because he was upset with her because he had to move and he had put a lot of money and effort fixing up that house to make it look like a manor. He was very upset having to sell that house, but never said a word. He finally came to terms with himself and felt like he had been used by his wife to get what she wanted.

Reading your post, it seemed that it was mostly about what you wanted or needed. Your husband is 78 and although he may think he can go on or last forever, he should haven been enjoying his retirement by now and doing the things he enjoys most. I think he is willing to give in his needs so you can be at peace and there is no guarantee that changing homes will give you the reconciliation you are looking for.

Either way, best of luck.
 
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@Lara @Born_To_Lose I appreciate your concerns. As @StarSong mentioned, we had been talking about downsizing before my son died so it's not a new idea. Ron was the one who brought it up initially, a year or so ago before Devin died, to address the fact that he's not getting any younger, and this is a lot of house and grounds to maintain. He's the one who brought it up again, recently, not even in relation to Devin, but just that he is really moving towards retirement now and doesn't want to have to deal with so much house and grounds.

People deal with loss differently, as I've already mentioned. Losing Devin was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, the worst thing that will ever happen to me. Everything else pales by comparison. But I have dealt with other losses....my parents, my brother who I was closer to than anyone other than my children, a daughter-in-law, and then on another level, beloved pets who are like family to me. In each of these cases, my pattern has been the same.

I have precious keepsakes from those people and pets, things that are priceless to me that I will never part with, but nonetheless I found great relief in boxing up their belongs and wrapping up the details of their lives. I have no need of their things, other than the mementoes I choose to keep. I want that part of the grief and loss process dealt with as quickly as possible.

Moving from this home where there are so many memories and triggers that just keep on crippling me and keep me mired down in my grief and loss is part of my process. It's incredibly liberating, cathartic, to envision no longer living here, no longer driving the same streets and seeing the same places that I used to enjoy with my son, having those memories blindside me when I'm not paying attention and working to avoid all those triggers.

Yes, it's a major change, but its pattern is similar to prior times I've dealt with grief and loss. I want the reminders gone. Before, I removed the reminders from my presence. In this case with Devin, I'm simply removing myself from the reminders. I can't escape the memories in my head, and I don't want to, but I can have a little more control over the frequency and unwelcome surprise and triggers with which they bombard me.
 
Ronni said:
I am not doing well emotionally surrounded by the constant memories of my son, which trigger deep grief and loss. Devin’s life permeates every aspect of the house, grounds and the surrounding neighborhood. On any given day there are going to be dozens of memories triggered by my surroundings that assault me, and mostly I end up in tears and not functional for some period of time.

I’ve discussed this at length with my counselor and in my support group, and everyone deals with this differently. There are some folks whose loved one’s room or belongings etc remain untouched for years following the loss, folks who find comfort in being amongst their loved one’s things. Others, like me, who can’t bear being surrounded by same, other than select photos and mementoes. Everyone grieves differenly and processes loss differently.

It’s become evident that I need to have some control over those triggers. Being randomly blindsided by them constantly has been very detrimental and I haven’t been able to get past the constant onslaught. I’m fighting so hard every minute to keep my head above water emotionally, and what I am able to manage feels forced and artificial.

For some time now, Ron and I have been discussing him being able to retire. He’s 78, he can’t keep up his work pace indefinitely. Even before Devin died we’d already been discussing the pros and cons of selling this house and moving to something smaller, using the equity in it to pay off the note and become debt free, enabling a comfortable retirement for him. We’ve both had a hard-scrabble life till recent years so we’re not as stable financially as many folks our age who have long since paid off their home and have invested wisely and are comfortable financially. .

Our realtor is confident (and the neighborhood comps back him up) that we can make a considerable profit from the house sale so that we can pay it off and also pay in full for another, smaller home which means no house payment, plus the areas we are thinking of moving to have ridiculously low property taxes compared to what we’re paying now, plus a smaller house means less utility and other costs, all of which equates to considerably lowered monthly expenses.

I love this house, but I love the idea of moving away from all these triggers a lot more and hopefully to eventually find some emotional stability.
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Just an opinion from an outsider, I like that you may be moving, think it's a good idea. Thinking mostly of you and your hubby's happiness in your senior years. Wishing you the best, love to you both. 💚
 
Ronni said:
@Lara @Born_To_Lose I appreciate your concerns. As @StarSong mentioned, we had been talking about downsizing before my son died so it's not a new idea. Ron was the one who brought it up initially, a year or so ago before Devin died, to address the fact that he's not getting any younger, and this is a lot of house and grounds to maintain. He's the one who brought it up again, recently, not even in relation to Devin, but just that he is really moving towards retirement now and doesn't want to have to deal with so much house and grounds.

People deal with loss differently, as I've already mentioned. Losing Devin was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, the worst thing that will ever happen to me. Everything else pales by comparison. But I have dealt with other losses....my parents, my brother who I was closer to than anyone other than my children, a daughter-in-law, and then on another level, beloved pets who are like family to me. In each of these cases, my pattern has been the same.

I have precious keepsakes from those people and pets, things that are priceless to me that I will never part with, but nonetheless I found great relief in boxing up their belongs and wrapping up the details of their lives. I have no need of their things, other than the mementoes I choose to keep. I want that part of the grief and loss process dealt with as quickly as possible.

Moving from this home where there are so many memories and triggers that just keep on crippling me and keep me mired down in my grief and loss is part of my process. It's incredibly liberating, cathartic, to envision no longer living here, no longer driving the same streets and seeing the same places that I used to enjoy with my son, having those memories blindside me when I'm not paying attention and working to avoid all those triggers.

Yes, it's a major change, but its pattern is similar to prior times I've dealt with grief and loss. I want the reminders gone. Before, I removed the reminders from my presence. In this case with Devin, I'm simply removing myself from the reminders. I can't escape the memories in my head, and I don't want to, but I can have a little more control over the frequency and unwelcome surprise and triggers with which they bombard me.
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I had to rethink my post and change some of my thinking. I hope you will take a look at it again.
 

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