I am really in a struggle, ie Dil

Blessed, I’m totally on your team and understand how you want your money to go to your son for his retirement. I would set it up so he doesn’t get the money until a certain age like 55 or 60. By then they might not even be married. I wouldn’t tell a soul. They will find out when you’re gone and you will have secured his retirement.

She sounds like a train wreck with money. Buying crap you can’t afford and buying appliances on credit is totally irresponsible. People like that have no sense and some never change. I wouldn’t want my hard earned money wasted either.
 

CallMeKate said:
I have to say here that I would be seriously miffed if someone who wanted to leave an inheritance for me would have locked it until I was 55 or 60. So much could go wrong there.
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I agree!

The knowledge of a ‘BIG PAYDAY’ could help to feed into and encourage their poor spending habits.

If the lack of faith in your family is so great it might be better to leave your money to charity and let them make their own way in the world.
 

Teacher Terry said:
They will find out when you’re gone and you will have secured his retirement.
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They will curse you to the end of time, Blessed. Is that really what you want? How do you think your husband would deal with this? Do you want your legacy full of hate? Your son could drop dead before he reaches his fifties. As it is, it proves his mother didn't trust him to decide his own life, that obviously she didn't trust him to manage his affairs, not smart enough maybe? And 35 for your grandson? What if he wants to purchase a home when he's merely 30.

This stinks of your low opinion of all of them, not just dil

A will is a will. Conditions beyond the grave are despicable. Yeah, I'm totally out of this. It is selfish beyond belief.

I would have hated my parents had they pulled crap like this.

Totally disgusted and utterly disappointed. 'Bye.
 
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Read up or talk to a trust lawyer. Trusts can be set up to disperse monies at a certain rate. This costs money to do…and must be managed by a trustee after your death. But might be your ticket. Trusts can avoid probate…which is another reason they are used.
 
No one should expect an inheritance. It’s a gift. If they think they are going to inherit a bunch of money they may not save for retirement. If something happens and you need lengthy long term care there may not be any money left.

Pepper, you would hate your parents for leaving you an inheritance with conditions on when it arrives? Most people aren’t wealthy enough to leave one for their children. A inheritance is purely a gift and never should be expected. If her DIL blows all the money and then they divorce and her son has a crappy retirement that would make me much sadder than them having to wait for the money.
 
Everyone gets to choose how to spend their own money.

I think you need to stop explaining to us how stupid spending it on beauty treatments is and how you wouldn't do that

DIL is not you and if it is worth it to her that is her choice.

Set up a trust fund for the children if you want to - but beyond that , I dont think you should be interfering in how they manage their finances or what either of them spends their money on. And I don't think you should try to put conditions on inherited money either.
 
I don't think this is really about facials or college funds, but two women fighting over the affection of a son/husband. Blessed is using the inheritance as a proxy for the love, she thinks, only she can give her son, and grandson. Her son is ensnared by a younger fem fatale, who will cause his downfall.
Setting up a trust for the grandson seems reasonable, but a son's inheritance is his to spend.
If Blessed is really bothered by this, I suggest trying some counseling.
 
Teacher Terry said:
Pepper, you would hate your parents for leaving you an inheritance with conditions on when it arrives
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I had excellent honest parents who loved and trusted me and my sister. They wouldn't be conditional and neither were we. We were raised right. They didn't play games with their wealth or expect us to be anyone other than who we were. No games. Honest. Loving. No crap parents, mine. Excellent, so this, something like this, would never be on their 'agenda.'
 
CallMeKate said:
I have to say here that I would be seriously miffed if someone who wanted to leave an inheritance for me would have locked it until I was 55 or 60. So much could go wrong there.
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It’s purely a gift. You have no right to other people’s money not even your parents. People don’t save all their lives to have their money blown on beauty treatments. This is how people end up poor in retirement.

I’m surprised at how much entitlement some people on this thread have in their beliefs that they are entitled to other people’s money. You should be grateful for an inheritance no matter when it comes.
 
Blessed said:
I am thinking it might be better to leave just enough to get the grandson thru college and blow the rest on the silly things that would bring me joy!!

Yeah, we know that won't happen because I am a boring responsible person, somebody just shoot me!!
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Yes I do think it would be good to leave a trust fund for the grandson and spend rest on whatever silly things will bring you joy.
Enjoy whatever brings you joy with your money.
 
Pepper said:
I had excellent honest parents who loved and trusted me and my sister. They wouldn't be conditional and neither were we. We were raised right. They didn't play games with their wealth or expect us to be anyone other than who we were. No games. Honest. Loving. No crap parents, mine. Excellent, so this, something like this, would never be on their 'agenda.'
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So neither of you were married to someone that blew all the money or divorced you and took half. That’s good luck and that’s all it is. It has nothing to do with being raised right or trusting someone.

People change all the time and do things you would never expect them to do. Inheritances can remain separate property if the person is smart enough and strong enough to not co-mingle the funds and can withstand the nagging of the spendthrift spouse.
 
Teacher Terry said:
It’s purely a gift. You have no right to other people’s money not even your parents. People don’t save all their lives to have their money blown on beauty treatments. This is how people end up poor in retirement.

I’m surprised at how much entitlement some people on this thread have in their beliefs that they are entitled to other people’s money. You should be grateful for an inheritance no matter when it comes.
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No I don't think anyone else is entitled to the money - exactly why I said OP should spend it on herself and whatever makes her happy
Just like DIL should spend her money on whatever she chooses - and there is nothing to suggest the son has any problem with this, only that OP does.
When it isn't her decision or her business.

But I also don't think inherited money should come with agendas.
 
CallMeKate said:
This link may be helpful. You get to establish the age at which money would be released. Maybe the age 35 has to do with a 529? I personally wouldn't set something up that would "demand" someone goes to college. Many are choosing not to do that. With a regular trust fund released at age 21 or 25, it would allow him to decide whether or not to use it for college.
How Trust Funds Can Safeguard Your Children
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It doesn't demand they go to college it just says, "If you choose to go to college, I'll pay for it." I see nothing wrong with that. If I had a granddaughter, I might say to her parents, "If she wants to take ballet lessons, I'll pay for it" and my husband would say the same about music lessons. No one is being forced, it's just making something we want to encourage possible.
 
My state has a special kind of trust fund plan called a 529 plan, with tax-exempt funds being put aside for college expenses for your family. I used it for a grandson. I'm not sure if this is only a Maryland thing, or if it exists all over the country .But it's a good, safe way to put aside the money you want your grandchildren to use for college, and only for that. You should look into that and see if it's available where you live.
 
This is not clear to me, are they living in your home rent free? If so then you are enabling spending that you don't approve of. What is clear you think your dil concern for her self image is wrong. But your son seemingly has no problem with that.

Not explained in your post, your age or health condition. How long do you think you will live? Lets use you live another 10, 20 or more years A lot could change over those years. Why concern yourself now over something that could change?
 
Are they still living with you?

If they are, then I think you do have a right to talk to your son about their financial future. He is your son. Don’t you think parents should ideally always be able to talk to their kids about important topics? Especially if you are leaving him a small fortune after death. That is worthy of a few conversations.

If they are still living with you, then you should encourage them to move out. Then he will discover how much $ she is spending on her hobby of self-improvement.

You can also buy him a few books on Money Management and send them to him.

NEVER assume they know anything about your life and how you handled money. TEACH them. Send them several sources because just because you agreed with Mr. Money Expert doesn’t mean they will and some of these so-called Money Experts give people advice as if it’s still 1965.
 
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If I suddenly got a check from a law firm saying my grandma, who died in 1975, left me 5000 and didn't want me to have it until I was 77, because she thought it would take me that long to grow up -- I would laugh and start booking my trip to Bali!
 
Go to a lawyer! Get good advice on the legal options. Have him set up an inheritance specifically for your grandson. Depending on your state, part can be college fund and part for funds for him at age X (maybe 30). I can’t remember how old he is now. Discuss who the trustee is and how much remuneration they’ll get.

Leave the rest to your son. How old is he. That’s all you can do. You can’t tell him how to spend that money.

In the meantime, spend your money on yourself. Stop worrying about what might happen.
 
I am 98 to 100 percent certain that within the next 8 to 10 years, your DIL is going to realize that all the money she's shelling out right now to stay young and fit, isn't keeping her young or fit.

8 to 10 years from now....within your lifetime....this reality is going to hit her. Right in her face and hips.
 
Blessed said:
Well, I thank you both! @Pepper, I know you have a son and grandson, @CallMeKate, don't know of upi are in the same situation.

How I fit into this is if when I pass, which will happen, I do not want her to spend that money for what I consider to be vain, stupid, irresponsible reasons. I love her, she is beautiful, in my eyes. Crap, I could take the money now and have all kinds of plastic surgery but frankly I find it silly. God made me to be who I am, if he had wanted me to be some kind of beauty, even in old age, he would have given me the genetics.

I just don't understand how this young woman of 35 is already struggling with her image, so much that she feels the need to have some kind of body sculpting. I already knew she was having facials and hair treatments that cost hundreds of dollars each visit.

The point being, I know they can't afford that nonsense. They have had their ac unit, the fridge and the dishwasher go out all in a couple of months, they have been replaced but on credit. My son knows that his Dad and I always had a back up savings account to take care of these things. She is more the type, don't worry until we have to. Well, know have the have too, she spoke about it last time she was over, happy they could pay for the new stuff over time. It just puts more pressure on my son and I don't like that at all. She really does not get it, that he is the one that feels the pressure to cover that.

My son's father and I did not work this hard to just strike a match and see it go up in flames. We put our son through college, there were no loans. My husband had died at that point but the money was there for his education. I could have blown it on stupid things, a new car, but no, I still drive a perfectly good 2008 model that only has 40K miles.

I hate to do it but I feel I must have the will adjusted to protect my son and her son in the future. I will make sure funds are set aside and available for her son (my grandson) to attend college. The rest of the funds may have to be held in trust for a length of time.

Who it would be so hard, did not grow up with money, now I don't know how to keep it safe for the son.
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@Blessed I think you have a heavy burden inasmuch as you and your husband worked hard to provide for your family. Your husband sadly passed away and you are now the person solely responsible for passing on your estate to the next generation of your family.

Your DIL and son are parents, they also want the best for their son and, I think you should think about trusting them to do that. I would not discuss it with your son because there is no nice way to criticise your DIL and it would be sad to let these concerns cause bad feeling between you.

The problem with setting up trust funds and making promises about paying college fees etc is that you have no idea of the future and what your financial situation might be if, say, you needed to pay for care or had large unexpected payments to make. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to have a think about how you want your estate to be handled when it is passed to your son and trust him to make sure that your grandson is provided for according to your wishes. The fact that your DIL seems carefree with her spending does not mean that she would be careless with your son's inheritance.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. :)
 

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