Explains this phenomenon, if you can

V

Vicky

Member
Location
Pennsylvania, USA
Can you explain the “why’s” behind this phenomenon?

Scenario #1: A man that I play cards with is attracted to women who resemble his 1st wife. Not only does he find them attractive, he tries changing his future dates into looking like her. The 1st wife cheated and broke this guy’s heart, so why would he want future dates to look like her?

Scenario #2: A much younger guy seems to be attracted to any one who has a name similar to his 1st girlfriend Kathy. The other women he dated over the years were Katie, Cathy, Kay, Catherine, Kitty, etc. Again, the 1st girlfriend cheated on him and broke his heart. So, why would anyone want to date someone who reminds them of that person?

This seems so unusual to me. Neither of the men I described stayed with the future women that reminded them of the 1st girlfriend or wife, for a long period of time.
 

Vicky said:
Can you explain the “why’s” behind this phenomenon?

Scenario #1: A man that I play cards with is attracted to women who resemble his 1st wife. Not only does he find them attractive, he tries changing his future dates into looking like her. The 1st wife cheated and broke this guy’s heart, so why would he want future dates to look like her?

Scenario #2: A much younger guy seems to be attracted to any one who has a name similar to his 1st girlfriend Kathy. The other women he dated over the years were Katie, Cathy, Kay, Catherine, Kitty, etc. Again, the 1st girlfriend cheated on him and broke his heart. So, why would anyone want to date someone who reminds them of that person?

This seems so unusual to me. Neither of the men I described stayed with the future women that reminded them of the 1st girlfriend or wife, for a long period of time.
Click to expand...
I understand it. The first guy is still in love with his first wife and is desperate to find someone like her...

The second guy has a name Fetish...end of story
 

I got a fetish for "Sandy" after 3rd grade when I had that crush on a beautiful girl named "Sandy". It can happen. It took me 20 years to drop that one. Don't we all have "particulars" when it comes to mating. :) Smell is a big one for me. I don't look for girls that smell good to me though. That would be pretty weird. Why do you care about his choices? Are you still involved?
 
Vicky said:
Can you explain the “why’s” behind this phenomenon?

Scenario #1: A man that I play cards with is attracted to women who resemble his 1st wife. Not only does he find them attractive, he tries changing his future dates into looking like her. The 1st wife cheated and broke this guy’s heart, so why would he want future dates to look like her?

Scenario #2: A much younger guy seems to be attracted to any one who has a name similar to his 1st girlfriend Kathy. The other women he dated over the years were Katie, Cathy, Kay, Catherine, Kitty, etc. Again, the 1st girlfriend cheated on him and broke his heart. So, why would anyone want to date someone who reminds them of that person?

This seems so unusual to me. Neither of the men I described stayed with the future women that reminded them of the 1st girlfriend or wife, for a long period of time.
Click to expand...
It sounds like he needs therapy. Unresolved grief, IMO.

The trying to change a GF to look like someone else - that is very unhealthy. I hope you will encourage him to get into therapy and read some self-help books.
 
My first thought was that they are trying to recapture a time when they were happy, before the cheating and the heartache. The subsequent relationships do not work because, you obviously cannot recapture a past happiness with someone simply because they bear a resemblance, or have a similar name, to the love you lost. Of course, I may well be completely wrong :)
 
chic said:
Revenge? This comes to my mind. His firsts got the better of him. the rest will/may get his wrath? :unsure:
Click to expand...
In my opinion this is the most likely reason. Why? It may sound strange, but for example I know a woman.

Her father betrayed his wife (her mother) with a much younger woman from South America. Later the daughter had several times colored men. One from from the Dominican Republic. The marriage was an awful disaster. She treated the man badly and ultimately got him expelled from Germany. After this she lived together with a black man. They didn't marry but I think that the result was similar.

This was clearly revenge in both cases. Now you may say: But it was her father with such a woman and his daughter takes revenge with a colored man. If you are familiar with 'family constellations' you know this phenomenon. There it is called "double shift".
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1066480706287279
 
Trish said:
My first thought was that they are trying to recapture a time when they were happy, before the cheating and the heartache. The subsequent relationships do not work because, you obviously cannot recapture a past happiness with someone simply because they bear a resemblance, or have a similar name, to the love you lost. Of course, I may well be completely wrong :)
Click to expand...
Yes, that might be it too - he unconsciously wants a do-over. But, if he's trying to also change the new GFs, that indicates he wants a lot of power, so maybe the do-over he is seeking is to finally WIN total power and control over the new one?

That is not healthy.
 
I think lots of men have a "type," and, like in the OP case, it goes back long before that first wife. I think it probably starts with the first big crush in school, one that sparked the first "romantic" feelings. Thereafter, any female who looks like heartthrob number 1 will be attractive to the male, in spite of bad experiences with the Type.

My husband has a definite type, not me as I learned later, but any woman with ash-blonde hair, and sallow skin to match, catches his eye and holds it for a rude length of time. He has eight sisters and they are all that type. That's all I better say about that. ;)
 
Maybe the one guy is attracted to women who physically resemble his 1st wife because those physical features are what he finds attractive. Maybe the name Kathy reminds the other guy of what he found attractive about his 1st wife.

I don't think this is all that complicated....or phenomenal.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top