Many Women Will Never See Justice in This Lifetime

Murrmurr said:
Not much different for single fathers.

Single fathers had to deal with suspicion. Teachers, courts, pastors, neighbors...seemed like everyone wondered "What's that guy want with those little kids? What's he gonna to do to them? Why does he want them so badly?" (because they're my children, that's why!)

I also had to take the kind of jobs that had shifts, usually manual labor. And I had to choose between being there to get my kids off to school, or being there when they got home. When single mothers were getting help paying for child care, single fathers weren't ...unless they earned less than $100 a month. $100 freakin dollars a month. Moms could earn over twice that and still get 1/2 or more of their day care paid for. No reason, that's just how it was...or should I say "unjust"?

Soon as my oldest turned 9, I worked nights so I could be home all day. I risked losing my kids over that. Leaving 3 kids under 10 home alone all night was illegal in most states (still is in many). Fortunately, the kids were on board with it because the job paid really well. (what amounts to bribery kept their mouths shut 😜)

Employers don't like hiring single fathers any more than they do single mothers. It's a risk. Whether you're a dad or a mom, you're gonna miss work when the sitter's unavailable or you're kids are sick or they got hurt or in trouble at school. Single parents are not the most reliable employees. Again, that's just how it is.
Click to expand...
No women got help paying for child care here when I was raising mine.. this is a relatively new thing now... Goodness me I remember how much I struggled just to pay the bills, and dress, feed, and buy her school supplies.. on so little money. How just so I could pay for her school trip or music lessons that I would paint my own shoes because I couldn't afford a new pair..and many other instances..

At one point I was working 7 menial jobs just so I could fit them all in around her school hours.. and always be here to take her and collect from school. Employer didn't want to hire single mothers either..if you said that was your position then they would bombard with questions about who was gonna look after them if they got sick, or during the holidays and 99% of the time they wouldn't take a single mother on.. and yet we were the ones who needed the money most while they employed airhead girls who spent their wages on nonsense.. ..we desperately wanted to work to feed our children.. pay our rent and bills.. but nope as a single parent we were looked on a somehow less of a person...
 
Pepper said:
That's why I said to Frank: "Not that kudos are deserved more to you as being male"
Of course you & VB are to be praised, also widows, widowers. Anyone who raises children WELL are to be commended!
Click to expand...
Yes! Anyone who raises children well deserves to be appreciated and praised, because there will always be sacrifice, worry, hard work and effort involved -- even for married people!

I also give credit to the thousands of childless people who spend their lives caring for children, teachers, healthcare workers, coaches and many others in all sorts of ways.

One of the hardest working segments of our society today are grandparents. I know so many people my age who are raising their grandchildren and even great grand children while their parents work jobs outside the home all day.
 
hollydolly said:
No women got help paying for child care here when I was raising mine.. this is a relatively new thing now... Goodness me I remember how much I struggled just to pay the bills, and dress, feed, and buy her school supplies.. on so little money. How just so I could pay for her school trip or music lessons that I would paint my own shoes because I couldn't afford a new pair..and many other instances..

At one point I was working 7 menial jobs just so I could fit them all in around her school hours.. and always be here to take her and collect from school. Employer didn't want to hire single mothers either..if you said that was your position then they would bombard with questions about who was gonna look after them if they got sick, or during the holidays and 99% of the time they wouldn't take a single mother on.. and yet we were the ones who needed the money most while they employed airhead girls who spent their wages on nonsense.. ..we desperately wanted to work to feed our children.. pay our rent and bills.. but nope as a single parent we were looked on a somehow less of a person...
Click to expand...
Here, the White House approved the day care assistance program....for moms. That was in the mid-80s.
 
hollydolly said:
No women got help paying for child care here when I was raising mine.. this is a relatively new thing now... Goodness me I remember how much I struggled just to pay the bills, and dress, feed, and buy her school supplies.. on so little money. How just so I could pay for her school trip or music lessons that I would paint my own shoes because I couldn't afford a new pair..and many other instances..

At one point I was working 7 menial jobs just so I could fit them all in around her school hours.. and always be here to take her and collect from school. Employer didn't want to hire single mothers either..if you said that was your position then they would bombard with questions about who was gonna look after them if they got sick, or during the holidays and 99% of the time they wouldn't take a single mother on.. and yet we were the ones who needed the money most while they employed airhead girls who spent their wages on nonsense.. ..we desperately wanted to work to feed our children.. pay our rent and bills.. but nope as a single parent we were looked on a somehow less of a person...
Click to expand...
I took a job as a bus driver for a while, so I could take my kids to school and pick them up, too. It wasn't a school bus, it was a city bus called RADAR; Roseville Area Dial a Ride. The dispatcher made sure I was near my kid's schools at in and out times. That was pretty cool.
 
I knew a man --quiet, always his head down, who confided to me that he had been raised by his maternal grandmother. She was not well and deeply resentful that she was forced to raise him. His father had deserted the family and his mother just took off for parts unknown. Whenever his grandmother had occasion to look at him, she would say, with a wrathful look, 'You're just like your father, you son of a bitch!'
He was just a little boy. Where is his 'justice'?
 
Last edited:
hollydolly said:
nope as a single parent we were looked on a somehow less of a person...
Click to expand...

CONSEQUENCES. That's it. It's not like you had no role in your circumstances. I don't lay total blame on you, I've no idea what the circumstances were, but it takes two and all that. Being a single parent with children..... how can that not include from level of struggle?
 
carouselsilver said:
I remember that! It came just in time when I left my abusive husband and had to find work. I even qualified for a program to subsidize daycare payments so that I could afford them. It was truly a blessing!
Click to expand...
Oh yeah, it was really nice. Very helpful. Sadly, congress couldn't imagine there were single working fathers out there, too. Took about 10 years for that lightbulb to go on.

Or maybe that discrepancy happened at the county level. I honestly don't know.
 
VaughanJB said:
CONSEQUENCES. That's it. It's not like you had no role in your circumstances. I don't lay total blame on you, I've no idea what the circumstances were, but it takes two and all that. Being a single parent with children..... how can that not include from level of struggle?
Click to expand...
Is it necessary to lay blame at all? Yes, people come together, have kids, then things go wrong. Then we have to go on, somehow. The only other option to not being a single parent is to get an abortion. And for many of us, we chose to keep and love our children, regardless of how they came into being.
 
carouselsilver said:
Is it necessary to lay blame at all? Yes, people come together, have kids, then things go wrong. Then we have to go on, somehow. The only other option to not being a single parent is to get an abortion. And for many of us, we chose to keep and love our children, regardless of how they came into being.
Click to expand...
The other reliable option is sterilization, but that has its own set of problems.

I asked my doctor for a vasectomy when I was, I think, 24; somewhere near there. I was married and had 2 kids. He refused to do the surgery because of my age. He asked me questions like What if you change your mind? What if you divorce, remarry, and your new wife wants children? and he insisted on talking to my wife first. This was in the 80s, so maybe it's old-school, but anyway, I couldn't get it done, and we got pregnant again several months later. And my wife was taking birth control pills. Plus, certain times of the month I also used condoms.

I did finally get a vasectomy about five years later. By then, I was a single father of 3. :oops:
 
Murrmurr said:
The other reliable option is sterilization, but that has its own set of problems.

I asked my doctor for a vasectomy when I was, I think, 24; somewhere near there. I was married and had 2 kids. He refused to do the surgery because of my age. He asked me questions like What if you change your mind? What if you divorce, remarry, and your new wife wants children? and he insisted on talking to my wife first. This was in the 80s, so maybe it's old-school, but anyway, I couldn't get it done, and we got pregnant again several months later. And my wife was taking birth control pills. Plus, certain times of the month I also used condoms.

I did finally get a vasectomy about five years later. By then, I was a single father of 3. :oops:
Click to expand...
It's a shame when a doctor gets to make such a decision for you. Posing theoretical scenarios to make this kind of decision is silly.
 
Murrmurr said:
The other reliable option is sterilization, but that has its own set of problems.

I asked my doctor for a vasectomy when I was, I think, 24; somewhere near there. I was married and had 2 kids. He refused to do the surgery because of my age. He asked me questions like What if you change your mind? What if you divorce, remarry, and your new wife wants children? and he insisted on talking to my wife first. This was in the 80s, so maybe it's old-school, but anyway, I couldn't get it done, and we got pregnant again several months later. And my wife was taking birth control pills. Plus, certain times of the month I also used condoms.

I did finally get a vasectomy about five years later. By then, I was a single father of 3. :oops:
Click to expand...
I was told exactly that when I asked my doc for me to be sterilised.. come back when you're much older.. I went back when I was 40 and they did it...

My husband had a vasectomy at 28..no-one questioned him as to his future decisions regarding children.. and he was single and childless

My sister had , had 3 children by the time she was 21.. one had died .. at 4 months.. she was already going through a divorce at 27 , she asked to be sterilised.. they refused, saying she might want children in the future.

She didn't.. she already had 3 children... one of whom had died at 4 months. She didn't want to replace him.. she didn't want any more children. ..but nope they wouldn't entertain her being sterilised

Another sister had one son... after his birth she had all sorts of trouble , and ultimately had a partial hysterectomy.. she begged to be sterilised.. she was about 32 by then.... No was the answer.. in case you want more children in the future..

Not one of us 3 ever wanted more children...
 
hollydolly said:
I was told exactly that when I asked my doc for me to be sterilised.. come back when you're much older.. I went back when I was 40 and they did it...

My husband had a vasectomy at 28..no-one questioned him as to his future decisions regarding children.. and he was single and childless

My sister had , had 3 children by the time she was 21.. one had died .. at 4 months.. she was already going through a divorce at 27 , she asked to be sterilised.. they refused, saying she might want children in the future.

She didn't.. she already had 3 children... one of whom had died at 4 months. She didn't want to replace him.. she didn't want any more children. ..but nope they wouldn't entertain her being sterilised

Another sister had one son... after his birth she had all sorts of trouble , and ultimately had a partial hysterectomy.. she begged to be sterilised.. she was about 32 by then.... No was the answer.. in case you want more children in the future..

Not one of us 3 ever wanted more children...
Click to expand...
That's crazy!
 
hollydolly said:
excuse me ..not to take away from Frank... but I was a single mother after my husband left when mine was just 8 years old.. where's the kudos for m.e..or for @VintageBetter ...or the several other women here... who raised their children alone ?

It always makes me laugh when men get praised artificially for doing the same job women get no praise for...
Click to expand...
And you're right about that. I kept my young teen children with me when I divorced, but for years I had felt like a single parent because my wife was so detached from us. It always surprised me while at a restaurant or an event someone would tell me "you're doing a great job with those kids". I always figured they thought I was a weekend dad managing the kids for a couple of days.

But why not compliment every women out there towing around a couple of kids? Because society expects women to deal with the kids. Unfair? You bet.

I do think women are becoming more powerful in our society and receiving more recognition. Hopefully that trend continues but equality is probably never going to happen, society is always going to hang certain roles on each of the sexes.
 
carouselsilver said:
Is it necessary to lay blame at all? Yes, people come together, have kids, then things go wrong. Then we have to go on, somehow. The only other option to not being a single parent is to get an abortion. And for many of us, we chose to keep and love our children, regardless of how they came into being.
Click to expand...

There are tough decisions to be made for sure. But we should remember the gravity of the situation when we decide to have children. I don't think it's a blame game, but it is a consequence of either a mistake, or a decision made. It's not like contraception is difficult to get.

A good single parent will do everything they can to care for their child. They will sacrifice, put their child first, and go without. That's honorable, but it doesn't change things too much. The alternative isn't abortion, it's to not get pregnant in the first place.

Of course, it would be great if all men had that same attitude. Too many go around making babies they won't ever care for. Which is partly why I say we shouldn't just accept single parent families. We shouldn't promote this as a life-style choice.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top