Do I want to be alone or do I want to be social?

seadoug said:
I know experts say socialization is key to living longer, but I think a lot of it depends on whether you are an introvert or extrovert. Hubby and I are both introverts. He could go days without interacting with anyone else but me. I, on the other hand, will chat up anyone who wants to talk at the gym, grocery store, etc. I live in an area full of talkative, friendly people so I get my "fix" on a daily basis.
Click to expand...
You have described my husband and I as well. I am the introvert and he is our ambassador to the neighborhood. :)
 
I live alone, and I'd like to have friends. Also I'm disabled, which adds to being alone. The senior centers here are all government run. They provide a meal, and bingo. I don't really need a meal, and besides as a diabetic I have to know what's in the food I eat. And I hate bingo. Since it's government run, they have to account for everything. You get a container of milk with the meal. I don't drink milk, but I have to take it. If they have 1 milk left over, that becomes a big deal, with tons of forms to be filled out. So, it kinds of boils down is that I don't have a place to go to.
 
Paco Dennis said:
I ran into this yesterday while surfing. I feel like this short essay be George Orwell describes this experience we have of feeling alone and needing connections with others.

George Orwell once said: “The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood.”
It’s the kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from silence, but from the overwhelming noise of a world that doesn’t truly hear you. You stand in a room full of people, laugh when it’s expected, speak when the moment demands it, and yet, in your heart, you feel invisible. You feel like the truest parts of yourself—the raw, unpolished, and beautifully complex pieces of who you are—go unnoticed, misunderstood, or even ignored.
This is a different kind of ache, one that lives deep in the soul. It’s not about missing someone’s presence, but about missing connection, longing for the kind of bond that allows you to feel truly seen. It’s not the absence of love, but the absence of recognition—of being known for all that you are, without needing to filter or edit yourself to fit into someone else’s understanding.
To be misunderstood is to feel disconnected. It’s like speaking a language no one around you understands, shouting your truth into the void, hoping someone will hear and respond. Instead, you’re met with blank stares, polite nods, or worse, a misinterpretation of who you are. The world seems to focus only on the surface, skimming over your depths, while you yearn for someone to dive in and swim beside you.
In these moments, you may question yourself. You may wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” or, “Should I change to make others understand?” You might be tempted to reshape yourself to fit their expectations, to dull your edges or brighten your colors. But even then, the loneliness doesn’t fade. Because in trying to conform, you lose pieces of yourself, slowly becoming a shadow of who you once were—a ghost of your former self.
The truest ache of loneliness isn’t about being alone; it’s about feeling unseen.
To feel truly understood by someone is to experience a connection that goes beyond words. It’s when someone looks into your eyes and sees the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden—the scars, the dreams, the doubts—and chooses to stay. It’s when someone not only hears your words but also feels the emotions behind them. It’s the moment when you realize you don’t have to explain yourself; they already understand.
And yet, in this deep loneliness, there is strength. The resilience of holding onto your authenticity, even when it feels invisible to others. The quiet courage of refusing to fade into the expectations of the crowd. You may feel unseen, but the essence of who you are—the light, the fire, the complexity—is still alive. It waits, patiently, for the right people, the ones who will see you clearly and cherish all that you are.
The beauty of being misunderstood is that it allows you to understand yourself. In the absence of connection, you learn to be your own anchor. You discover the importance of nurturing your own soul, celebrating your uniqueness, and staying true to your essence. And as you grow, as you embrace your full self, the world begins to shift.
The right connections—the ones that see you for who you truly are—arrive when you least expect them. They see beyond the surface and into your heart. They listen, not just with their ears but with their soul. These are the connections that remind you that you were never meant to fade; you were meant to shine.
So, even in the depths of this terrible loneliness, hold on to your essence. Refuse to disappear. Let your light burn brightly, even if no one seems to notice right now. The people who are meant to see it—your people—will find you. And when they do, you’ll realize that the wait, the ache, and the loneliness were all part of a journey to something extraordinary.
To be known, truly known, is to be celebrated in your wholeness. It is the antidote to loneliness.
Hold on. Shine on. You are seen, even if not by the world yet.
~ George Orwell
Click to expand...

IMO, that is an exceptionally well crafted essay, thank you @Paco Dennis , though it indirectly points to those that are actually in a relationship, especially married, where one partner is gregarious and the other not, whether or not that was always so or developed over time. Reality is, many people have poor understanding or awareness of what in psychology is termed "Theory of Mind" that requires a type of social intelligence beyond IQ or education.

What Is Theory Of Mind In Psychology?

Theory of Mind refers to the ability to attribute mental states to oneself and others, understanding that others have beliefs, desires, intentions, and perspectives that are different from one’s own...

  • Theory of Mind (ToM) refers to the ability to understand others’ perspectives, thoughts, and feelings. It plays a crucial role in shaping one’s moral stance on societal issues.
  • ToM fosters empathy, enabling understanding of others’ experiences and viewpoints, which can influence our judgments on fairness, rights, and justice.
  • It also helps in appreciating the diversity of perspectives in societal matters, fostering tolerance, and shaping nuanced moral and ethical positions.
 
TinaM said:
I have not been in a dating relationship in almost 15 years. I love living alone but read so much about seniors being socially isolated and how it’s not healthy. I choose to move to a new state after retirement and now I just have two out of state friends I text or call several times a week but no new friends or relatives in my new state. My only son is relocating to South America with his family in the spring. Other than my dogs and cat, I will truly be alone. I do plan to try to find some volunteer opportunities later on this year. Unfortunately, I live in a smaller town and the senior center sucks as far as activities.

I wonder if online communications count as social interaction for mental health? I’ll keep trying to meet people and hoping to get out there more in 2025.
Click to expand...
When I retired 14 years ago I moved to another state away from family and old friends. I moved enough far away that people can't just pop up. Now I have only a few friends here and don't know my neighbors. Live alone and don't date and absolutely love it.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I live alone, and I'd like to have friends. Also I'm disabled, which adds to being alone. The senior centers here are all government run. They provide a meal, and bingo. I don't really need a meal, and besides as a diabetic I have to know what's in the food I eat. And I hate bingo. Since it's government run, they have to account for everything. You get a container of milk with the meal. I don't drink milk, but I have to take it. If they have 1 milk left over, that becomes a big deal, with tons of forms to be filled out. So, it kinds of boils down is that I don't have a place to go to.
Click to expand...
I get it. I thought when I moved here I would get all involved with the senior center and activities. All they have is a reduced cost meal and bingo, just like yours. I’m on a very restrictive dietary plan due to medical issues so can’t really participate. What I would like are group outings a few times a month.

There are some one day classes at the art center but they range from $30 to $60 each which is way beyond my budget. Seems like every class and activity I’ve looked in to is online these days and not in person. And I’m not a church person so that leaves out about 95% of the groups where I live.
 
HoneyNut said:
I'm an introvert (loved Covid lockdowns, ha ha), but I've read that too, about social contact being important.

I used to think about going to a Meetup type of activity, but that was back when I was working and didn't have the time. Are there any meetup groups in your area?

I haven't tried joining Senior Planet Online, but it is recommended by my county's seniors website, I think it would be a way to have zoom meeting contact with other humans. (I don't remember the organization but during Covid I attended a zoom group where a leader would talk about a subject, then we'd all have a turn expressing our thoughts about the lecture info. It must not have been too interesting because I barely remember it.)

Are you willing to relocate again? When I retired I had been living in a rural area in Nebraska, and even though I love being alone, being retired rather unexpectedly made that situation feel too alone. I wound up buying a condo in an "active 55+" community in Maryland. I've been here two years now and I am still so happy, I can get as much or as little human contact as I want. My brother bought a house in an 55+ community in Arizona when he retired, but somehow it didn't occur to me to look into them, and I simply found mine by accident.
Click to expand...
I agree about the covid lock down. I loved it. So peaceful and quiet. Nice quiet walks with no one around
 
Greetings @TinaM I have always been more or less a loner, lost in my thoughts & imagination. I quit FB back in 2016, couldn't take others correcting my posts. Only had 17 friends & most were family anyway. I don't live alone, hard of hearing so I don't converse much with others, my DD & DW carry on the discussions. Have hearing aids but usually they're sitting on my night stand.

I used to go play cribbage with 10-12 other seniors, the lock down put a damper on that. Haven't started it backup. A while back I purchased a generic brand of TV ears, filters out the chats with others.

Make your choice as you see fit. Streaming is so much more enjoyable now.
 
Last edited:
This is a very interesting thread.

I consider myself an introverted extrovert. I like having connections with others, but I also need my downtime. There’s no one-size-fits all approach to overcoming loneliness. I’m an HSP (highly sensitive person) which makes me more susceptible to loneliness.

Highly sensitive people are wired differently, not only at the level of the brain and nervous system, but also in terms of our social and emotional needs. Most HSPs crave deep, meaningful connections with other people, but it’s not always easy for us to get them. I myself crave deep connection and the comfort of other people, even if it’s just one other person. When I feel lonely, I feel it deeply.

Having surface level conversations or weather talk is boring and often exhausting to me, especially when that’s all the other person talks about. It’s like listening to the evening news when someone just talks about their day. There are 5 levels of communication. I prefer to have conversations in the top 3 levels, no hallway or reporter talk. That may work with colleagues in the office but not for deep meaningful relationships.

I think there's only about 15-20% of people who are HSPs, so the other percentage of people often don’t understand how an HSP feels.

1737399711416.png
 
I Drive, walk around somewhere most every day, play golf, find golf balls and other stuff
thru the decent weather, summers and weekends. Mostly avoid high traffic areas.
Driving is like a distracted shell game with drivers and their phones mounted to the dash.

The Garage, repairs to vehicles, golf carts, UTV, lawn Tractor, home, that sort of keeps me very busy too.
Cutting out the Junk Bushes fallen trees etc. from the timber. Then there are the building of things to plan and do.

Am comfortable socializing with the Kids and Grand- kids. Go to work - retirement and Anniversary parties.

I don't have much of a bucket list. Did lots of stuff in my 20's - 60 years. Been to most
all mainland states I am interested in except New England's northern states, Alaska, Washington and
Oregon. Been to Southern Canada / Toronto / Niagra Falls. North New England states didn't draw me.
Neither those northern beaches. I considered but never went to Bermuda / Virgin Islands / Florida Keys.
I eventually lost interest in Hawaii, Southern Mexico etc. Never found a place I liked better than the
Midwest USA. Missed it during the 2nd week of most all vacations N. -S. - E. - W. Nothing more lasting
beautiful than the green of the Summers.

Most likely the draw to the Timber, Creek and Lake are my to do List at least monthly near all year round.
Like walking thru the snow and watching the Bunnies and Squirrels play after a heavy snow. Maybe
My farm life as a kid tempered me? Maybe I get the lighter side of life, Jokes and Jokers. Fool me, shame on
you. Maybe Forums are filled with trickery too? Go to an NFL football game and maybe ya can't buy a beer
for $10 or Have to break a $20 ? Is there a teaching Quote there? Of course you are getting 2 or more.
 
Last edited:
Lael said:
This is a very interesting thread.

I consider myself an introverted extrovert. I like having connections with others, but I also need my downtime. There’s no one-size-fits all approach to overcoming loneliness. I’m an HSP (highly sensitive person) which makes me more susceptible to loneliness.

Highly sensitive people are wired differently, not only at the level of the brain and nervous system, but also in terms of our social and emotional needs. Most HSPs crave deep, meaningful connections with other people, but it’s not always easy for us to get them. I myself crave deep connection and the comfort of other people, even if it’s just one other person. When I feel lonely, I feel it deeply.

Having surface level conversations or weather talk is boring and often exhausting to me, especially when that’s all the other person talks about. It’s like listening to the evening news when someone just talks about their day. There are 5 levels of communication. I prefer to have conversations in the top 3 levels, no hallway or reporter talk. That may work with colleagues in the office but not for deep meaningful relationships.

I think there's only about 15-20% of people who are HSPs, so the other percentage of people often don’t understand how an HSP feels.

View attachment 397684
Click to expand...
Totally get it. I’m not only a retired special ed teacher but I’m on the spectrum. I get lonely but then it gets too peopley for me so I usually like to interact with others about 25% of the month. My anxiety gets too high if I have to do the casual acquaintance thing too often.
 
I always score at the maximum end of the introvert scale when I take the Myers Briggs thing. Being around people sucks the life out of me. My neighbor accross the street is a motor mouth. I won't even go out to check my mail if I see him outside in his front yard. That's how much I want to avoid getting buttonholed by him.
 
Hubby and I do not interact with anyone. Hubby has no friends and he doesn't care. And I have only one friend who still works and lives very far away from me so we get together during her lunch hour at work, since the college is very close to me where I used to work and she still does.

I actually made a post on this forum a few months ago about wishing to have friends. But now I don't care, I used to really, really care but I'm done with joining groups at the Seniors Centre or going to church to make friends and trying too hard to make friends. I'm actually very happy just working at improving my art skills and being with hubby now. I know if I am ever alone in the future, yes, I will need some social interaction but now I am very happy just hubby and me and our kitty.

So I'm sure you'll probably want some people to hang out in person with at some point if you are living by yourself. To be honest, when I was feeling kind of down in December, I needed someone to talk to in person no matter how nice people are on this forum.
 
Last edited:
I prefer solitude most of the time. I do appreciate my wife's company when we watch a movie or football game, and to eat dinner with, and many other activities. She has several friends she goes out to lunch with and an occasional happy hour, and she's very sociable at work. She loves her work and the people she works with, and she like people in general. She'll talk to strangers. I don't talk to anyone unless I absolutely have to. We don't even talk to each other that much. I'm just not much of a talker, and it amazes me how people have so much to say to each other. :unsure:
 
Short term or as part of a team for some purpose, I can work with a wide range of personalities as my Linkedin account shows in jobs that required strong communication skills. Heck, I was successfully in the US military in a technical field nearly 4 years that military robotic duty ways will leave a lasting lifelong impression on anyone's personality and attitude towards communication and working skills, and that is whether a person is talkative or not or communicates especially well or not.

But within my personal life over decades, I've socially flowed away from those that are too introverted verbally. It takes experience to talk with many others while many never had much experience there when growing up. There are plenty of people that sadly were relatively ignored in their neighborhoods and schools when growing up and some were the only kids in their families. So possibly tall hills to climb developing social skills. Best to Let It Be regarding others personal social choices giving others considerate space.

Some, with introverted tendencies will only really open up and be very communicative to those close to them they have learned to trust like a pair of sisters on a close human level as within families and friends.

This person loves his favorite winter sports activity skiing that he has been enjoying 4+ decades now, in part because as a single, solo skier, he is regularly getting onto chairlifts and lifts joining A to Z others, kids to seniors, locals to foreigners, talkative to quiet, that is an ideal activity for a potentially talkative wise guy with a loud lively voice.

But otherwise, I can live very much alone, solo for long periods when I'm deep in my activities. In other words, like many here have related, one doesn't need others to find their interests, happiness, and value in life. For this person, that value is immense and I would readily choose to live forever if my body didn't degenerate. The Earth, its Life, Intelligence, the Universe has infinite reasons to love and fascinations.

So yeah, I love the social aspect of meeting endless strangers and others that know me. Skiers and snowboarders tend to be excited, happy, and about the fun experience of playing on snow. And at its best, say bouncing like a rabbit on a soft trampoline in fresh powder snow, that is an absolutely ridiculously exhilarating fun visceral experience beyond mere words.
 
Last edited:

Do I want to be alone or do I want to be social?​

Im an extroverted introvert so I can be social. But most of the time I prefer not to be. The older I get the less I care to venture out of my nest. Sometimes I think Im turning feral. Best socializing for me would be a couple times a month for a limited time.

I know that I need to get out and about if for nothing else but the health of my minivan. This makes twice Ive had to have it jump started cause I didnt drive it often enuf. I have tried the senior center and some widow groups. I was not a good fit. So now I have to makeup places to go just so the darn car will stay happy.

Its been 2.5 yrs since the husband passed away. Before that there were numerous Dr visits and scads of people coming in and out for treatments and therapies. Sometimes all in the same day. As an introvert I was severely over peopled. It was six months before I even wanted to look at another person. Ive briefly considered dating but after 51 years I have an intense dislike for football John Wayne and the Three stooges which kind of puts me out of the market. Besides while I might have let the husband slide anyone new will be held to a much higher standard. Also men my age are old.
 
TinaM said:
so true! When I was dating in my early 50s, I realized all men older than me snore! lol.
Click to expand...
Lots of snorers have undiagnosed sleep apnea. Husband snored until he was diagnosed and got a Cpap machine. Did you know that Cpaps whonk if the mask doesnt seal right. :D
 
To all I am responding to what I have read.
All boils down to being alone, and...........................................old.
Can't do what you use to do.
Can't find your check book or glasses half the time. Your contacts are limited.................................
Let's turn this around for a minute. Do you attend a church? There are people there who you can contact.
Do you belong to social groups, have friends there? Call them.
You need to reach out rather then wait for someone to recognize your need and reach out to you. You could wait forever in that regard.
If you have a spouse you are fortunate. If they pass where does that leave you?
Life will go on regardless of your lose.
So..................what to do.
Step out of your comfort zone. It is gone!
Reach out to others. Don't expect that anyone can restore your comfort zone. It is gone!
But you are alive and need to find a new way to find some peace.
If you know the Lord than...........I have nothing more to say. You know, call to him.

If you don't have that comfort then your journey is tough.
Don't know what to say other than you are on a deserted island.
I am 76. I have relied on the Lord for over 40 some years. I know he is there and I know he will see me thru everything that I have to deal with. I know that my concerns are different then years ago but I talk with him daily for the most mundain things, some of which there is no response, some of which are just resolved without further discussion. Then, I just thank him.
I have a spouse but if I was to lose that, I know I have the Lord. Comforts me. Almost like insurance, although that's a bad analogy.
bob
 
interesting thing about this chain, or link or subject, whatever it is called is the length of the responses. In depth, thought provoking and similar in some respects and not in others.
What strikes me most is the same concerns.
Being alone, looking for friendship. Grieving the lose of close friends at a time in one's life when they were so important.
How to move on
Don't know. Don't have any answers.
I have the Lord so that provides comfort but I no longer have those human connections that mattered. That were taken for granted at times. Yet they were so important and I didn't stop to consider that.
Now they are gone.

Don't know the answers, don't know of any solution.
I have the Lord, as I said, so I will trust in him to show me what to do. How to go on????? Without God I would be in total dispare.
Just my thoughts since we lost another close friend today.
 
Veronica said:
I need to get out and about if for nothing else but the health of my minivan. This makes twice Ive had to have it
jump started cause I didnt drive it often enuf. So now I have to makeup places to go just so the darn car will stay happy.
Click to expand...
The easy solution is to get a smart charger from Ebay or Amazon and, when you're not driving, keep it on
the battery at all times. I've been using one for a couple decades, sometimes don't drive anywhere for months
at a time. As a result, the smart charger has kept the car batteries in top condition for at at least 7 or 8 years or longer.
 

You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top