Getting Personal Once Again...

[David later version]

My Dad lived to 92. In the last decade of his life, he suffered from (what the extended family called) weepiness. I remember being embarrassed for him as he would cry at the drop of a hat. I now know what that was all about because, my friends, I am afflicted by the same thing now. I can feel my emotions becoming sad, not sad like I will occasionally get, but a condition that heightens one's emotional state.

I see a dramatic scene in a movie; I tear up. Every ad on Facebook that deals with a dying pet or the remembrance of a pet that has passed, I cry. Even a joyful scene in a movie, I weep. Sometimes when I look at Emma, I cry, or my wife's urn or the pictures of my parents, I am overwhelmed. It happens suddenly every time. It is generally brief but intense. If I did not live alone I would be embarrassed by the whole thing, but I have no need to filter my feelings or blunt my reactions. So, I let it flow. I don't remember any of my female relatives (aunts, grandmothers) suffering through this type of thing.

I decided that I would be brutally honest about myself with the friendly crowd on SF, but I realize some of the males here may scoff at being so open in return. I ask, Are there other males that are dealing with such emotions late in life? Any women?

Honestly,

-David-

 

[-Oy-]

Thanks for the post David. I've always been an emotional guy and 'tear up' quite easily. Other times I don't when I feel I probably should.

 

[Kadee]

Take care @David later version

And hello from Australia …where my self and hubs live …never been out of Aust but we do some extensive travel most winters …(only in Australia)…… ( winter here now ..or very close to )

We are spending 7 weeks in Queensland now where I enjoy watching the big waves come in …and the surfers flocking into the area by the dozen.

Do you travel give yourself a break away from home, to chat to others.

 

[Warrigal]

My Dad lived to 92. In the last decade of his life, he suffered from (what the extended family called) weepiness. I remember being embarrassed for him as he would cry at the drop of a hat. I now know what that was all about because, my friends, I am afflicted by the same thing now. I can feel my emotions becoming sad, not sad like I will occasionally get, but a condition that heightens one's emotional state.

I see a dramatic scene in a movie; I tear up. Every ad on Facebook that deals with a dying pet or the remembrance of a pet that has passed, I cry. Even a joyful scene in a movie, I weep. Sometimes when I look at Emma, I cry, or my wife's urn or the pictures of my parents, I am overwhelmed. It happens suddenly every time. It is generally brief but intense. If I did not live alone I would be embarrassed by the whole thing, but I have no need to filter my feelings or blunt my reactions. So, I let it flow. I don't remember any of my female relatives (aunts, grandmothers) suffering through this type of thing.

I decided that I would be brutally honest about myself with the friendly crowd on SF, but I realize some of the males here may scoff at being so open in return. I ask, Are there other males that are dealing with such emotions late in life? Any women?

Honestly,

-David-

I am not, but whenever that sort of emotion has overwhelmed me, I think it has been from a sense of poignancy, not sorrow or depression. What is your sense of what is happening? Is it grief, or something else?

 

[David later version]

I am not, but whenever that sort of emotion has overwhelmed me, I think it has been from a sense of poignancy, not sorrow or depression. What is your sense of what is happening? Is it grief, or something else?

Warrigal,
It is mixture. Grief, yes, but also "what do I have to show for myself" feelings and, of course, abject loneliness. It can all be a chaotic mire I have to swim through. I am not, per se, depressed. Coming to grips, however, is not the same as it going away. Coping. That is often the mechanism utilized in one's (or at least mine) senior years.

-David-

 

[David later version]

Take care @David later version

And hello from Australia …where my self and hubs live …never been out of Aust but we do some extensive travel most winters …(only in Australia)…… ( winter here now ..or very close to )

We are spending 7 weeks in Queensland now where I enjoy watching the big waves come in …and the surfers flocking into the area by the dozen.

Do you travel give yourself a break away from home, to chat to others.

Kaddee,

I do not travel. I am at that stage where that holds no fascination for me. I'm sure my heart attack and extensive surgery has been instrumental in choosing isolation for myself. Home (while isolated) is my ultimate comfort zone. I have Emma, my beloved four-legged daughter, to keep me company. At one time I traveled a lot in my career installing large computer systems around the U.S. and, while I found different locations to be interesting, I was always glad to be back home. I have always been a homebody.

I have one sister who I video-call every Monday, two distant close male friends and 2 neighbors I count as friends. No other family.

I hope you enjoy Queensland!

-David-

 

[Twostep]

Have a clean bandana in your back pocket. Pick themes
Why such regimented calls with your sister? Can you pick up the phone when you are excited about something and share it with her?
Major surgeries can go deep. It took SO a while to get over the heart one but he had a goal and that was basically set in stone.

 

[Kadee]

Kaddee,

I do not travel. I am at that stage where that holds no fascination for me. I'm sure my heart attack and extensive surgery has been instrumental in choosing isolation for myself. Home (while isolated) is my ultimate comfort zone. I have Emma, my beloved four-legged daughter, to keep me company. At one time I traveled a lot in my career installing large computer systems around the U.S. and, while I found different locations to be interesting, I was always glad to be back home. I have always been a homebody.

I have one sister who I video-call every Monday, two distant close male friends and 2 neighbors I count as friends. No other family.

I hope you enjoy Queensland!

-David-

@David later version we are enjoying our senior years spending our kids inheritance ….due to working for years to pay off our home ,never going anywhere but the work ~ home ….and be debt free in our senior years….

Dose your dear little companion Emma like a walk ?…you know you can always have a chat or 2 to Emma and you can 100% guarantee she will never repeat a word

 

[David later version]

Have a clean bandana in your back pocket. Pick themes
Why such regimented calls with your sister? Can you pick up the phone when you are excited about something and share it with her?
Major surgeries can go deep. It took SO a while to get over the heart one but he had a goal and that was basically set in stone.

My sister and I are very different people. Monday calls are not regimented; they are the minimum we agreed upon so we know how each other is doing. She is a senior (though slightly younger than me) as well.

I don't have any goals other than I would like to finish and publish the three novels I am working on.

-David-

 

[Twostep]

My sister and I are very different people. Monday calls are not regimented; they are the minimum we agreed upon so we know how each other is doing. She is a senior (though slightly younger than me) as well.

I don't have any goals other than I would like to finish and publish the three novels I am working on.

-David-

Then work on them or is it easier to finish one at a time? I may tell you about The White Wolves one day.

 

[David later version]

@David later version we are enjoying our senior years spending our kids inheritance ….due to working for years to pay off our home ,never going anywhere but the work ~ home ….and be debt free in our senior years….

Dose your dear little companion Emma like a walk ?…you know you can always have a chat or 2 to Emma and you can 100% guarantee she will never repeat a word

I constantly talk to Emma. I do wish she could respond. I'm not much of an outside person, but Emma does have a little more than a 1/4 acre fenced in backyard. However, she is like me, prefers the air conditioned (or heated, depending) indoors. She doesn't even like to walk on wet grass when she needs to pee! What a princess she is!

-David-

 

[astralcat]

Having open heart surgery certainly affects some people emotionally. I had mine last October and so far so good. I healed very quickly and feel no after effects (other than minor hallucinations I experienced for a day or two while in the hospital). Just thinking, perhaps you always were an emotional person but because you were busy with life, never had time to explore that. Perhaps you have reached a stage in your life when you realize you no longer have to hold back emotions and subconsciously no longer care. Letting them go can be cathartic. If it were me, I wouldn’t worry much about it – it is what it is and it makes you the man you are today. Celebrate that. I'm glad to see you posting somewhat regularly.

 

[Magna-Carta]

I see a dramatic scene in a movie; I tear up. Every ad on Facebook that deals with a dying pet or the remembrance of a pet that has passed, I cry. Even a joyful scene in a movie, I weep. Sometimes when I look at Emma, I cry, or my wife's urn or the pictures of my parents, I am overwhelmed. It happens suddenly every time. It is generally brief but intense. If I did not live alone I would be embarrassed by the whole thing, but I have no need to filter my feelings or blunt my reactions. So, I let it flow. I don't remember any of my female relatives (aunts, grandmothers) suffering through this type of thing.

I decided that I would be brutally honest about myself with the friendly crowd on SF, but I realize some of the males here may scoff at being so open in return. I ask, Are there other males that are dealing with such emotions late in life? Any women?

Honestly,

-David-

I've been known to have a little cry during a sad part of a movie, but it depends on how deeply I get into the movie.

There was a significant time in my life when life itself became extremely precious to me. Not only my own, but everyone's around me. Including people I knew little to nothing about. As in people in the news who had died. And of course animals -- big, small, including the minutely insignificant. The empathy I had was overwhelming. I'm not sure what brought it on, although I have some Ideas. Mostly, all I know is that the sense of devastation I had was very real. I felt sad for everyone.

There was a lot of complicated 'things' and thoughts going on in my mind at the time. I think generally over the years, our personality doesn't change that much. Our subconscious personality, if there is such a thing, is entirely different.

 

[David later version]

Then work on them or is it easier to finish one at a time? I may tell you about The White Wolves one day.

The White Wolves, I presume, being a book you wrote? If so, did you self publish? As you probably know, there is a thing called one's Muse. Since my wife's death and my subsequent heart attack, et al, my muse has been quiet. I did have 2 spurts of creativity earlier this year when I wrote around 10,000 words twice. However, that is positively anemic within 4 years time! I have often, in the past, worked on more than one book at a time. Maybe again. Who knows?

-David-

 

[David later version]

Having open heart surgery certainly affects some people emotionally. I had mine last October and so far so good. I healed very quickly and feel no after effects (other than minor hallucinations I experienced for a day or two while in the hospital). Just thinking, perhaps you always were an emotional person but because you were busy with life, never had time to explore that. Perhaps you have reached a stage in your life when you realize you no longer have to hold back emotions and subconsciously no longer care. Letting them go can be cathartic. If it were me, I wouldn’t worry much about it – it is what it is and it makes you the man you are today. Celebrate that. I'm glad to see you posting somewhat regularly.

Thanks, Astralcat. I am surprised at the positive effect all this sharing is having on me. I did not suspect such a opening up like I have done. Of course, participating in an online forum is essentially anonymous. That makes it easier. Thank you for your opinion about my increased posting. It (and others who have offered similar opinions) show you actually care.

I believe what you surmised is, in fact, true of me. Men have a builtin reluctance to appear weak. I eschew that now. Please know that most of the personal things I have admitted to, do not bother me much. I just find acknowledging certain aspects of my life as cathartic. Also, I have noticed that following a night of profound sadness and tears, I often awake the next day, refreshed and ready to face the day. Cause and effect.

-David-

 

[Warrigal]

Warrigal,
It is mixture. Grief, yes, but also "what do I have to show for myself" feelings and, of course, abject loneliness. It can all be a chaotic mire I have to swim through. I am not, per se, depressed. Coming to grips, however, is not the same as it going away. Coping. That is often the mechanism utilized in one's (or at least mine) senior years.

-David-

If it is linked to something unresolved I suggest you try some gesture that helps you come to terms with whatever it is that is troubling you.

Loneliness is the easiest thing to deal with. Join some group where you are being of service to others. I've joined the group that looks after our church garden. It only involves one morning a week and it gets me out of the house, into the sunshine, and I make myself useful watering or pruning the plants, or bringing something to share for morning tea. I find this very therapeutic.

For deeper conditions like regret or grief I have had to resort to more symbolic actions.

My father died when I was only 25 years old. I was married with two small children and I had never been to anyone's funeral before and I was completely shattered by his loss. Dad loved the red flowering gums that are native to Western Australia and I decided to plant one in my garden. I couldn't find a red one so I settled on a pink flowering gum. I planted it in the back garden where I could see it when I was in the kitchen washing the dishes.

The tree grew very rapidly and I discovered that it was a Tasmanian Blue Gum (because of the colour of the leaves) and that it is one of Australia's tallest trees. It grew and grew, and watching it grow gave me a warm feeling and I was able to lay aside my sorrow.

Eventually the roots blocked the sewer main for the houses behind our house, not once, but twice. The tree had to go before it could grow any bigger but by this time I had come to terms with the early loss of my father, and I said goodbye to the tree without feeling further loss.

I had a different problem with my father's mother. Grandma had a sharp tongue, and I had often seen my mother in tears because of it. When I was engaged to be married, Hubby and I went to tell her the news. Without going into details, suffice it to say that her response was rather cutting. I vowed then that I would never allow her to hurt me as she did my mother. I never spoke to her again. She lived to 93, living just across the street from Mum and I was too stubborn to cross the road to speak to her, even after Dad died before she did.

When I was older and wiser I regretted my coldness to her. She had had a very hard life, losing a teenage daughter to kidney disease and two sons in the second world war. Her husband, my grandfather, returned from Palestine in the first world war with silicosis of the lungs caused by inhaling fine sand particles blown by desert winds. He was an invalid for the rest of his life. I began to understand her more and beat myself up for my lack of empathy but there was nothing I could do to atone for my past behaviour. However, Grandma had died, and I had not even had the grace to attend.

Later, in my middle years, Hubby and I went on an extended holiday using an around the world airline ticket. We were away for 5 months and on our way home we had a stopover in Singapore. One of Dad's brothers is buried there in Krangi Imperial War Cemetery. He was killed when the Japanese swept down the Malayan peninsula on the way to Singapore. No member of the family had ever seen the grave, but Dad's surviving two brothers told me where to look for him.

We found his headstone and I placed a Singapore orchid there as I muttered the words, "This is for you, Grandma". From that moment I have been at peace, no longer beating myself up for my past actions. We took a photo and gave one to each of my uncles. Now I feel reconciled to Grandma and I have forgiven her for the hurts her words caused so many years ago.

Why am I telling you this? It is because sometimes tears are flowing because deep inside we are nursing pain that needs to be dealt with. Symbolic gestures can be powerful emotional therapy. For some deep pain a therapist may be a shortcut to understanding where the pain comes from, and how to deal with it.

Everyone's pain is personal. I have shared my experience hoping that it may be helpful, but I have no insight into what is causing your emotional distress. You must handle your situation your own way.

Peace be with you.

 

[David later version]

Having open heart surgery certainly affects some people emotionally. I had mine last October and so far so good. I healed very quickly and feel no after effects (other than minor hallucinations I experienced for a day or two while in the hospital). Just thinking, perhaps you always were an emotional person but because you were busy with life, never had time to explore that. Perhaps you have reached a stage in your life when you realize you no longer have to hold back emotions and subconsciously no longer care. Letting them go can be cathartic. If it were me, I wouldn’t worry much about it – it is what it is and it makes you the man you are today. Celebrate that. I'm glad to see you posting somewhat regularly.

I forgot to offer my congrats on your successful OHS. My incision (zipper) has healed nicely as well. I had an excellent surgeon. In regards to hallucinations, I can relate. I had them for almost a week after my surgery. Bizarre stuff!

-David-

 

[Marcy Sheiner]

@David later version I think emotional displays are different for men than for women. Being a woman, I've been emotional most of my life, and it's actually a point of some pride, not concern. I once had a boyfriend, telling me why he loved me, said, "You feel absolutely everything.'

I think it's great that not only are you feeling on a deep level, but telling everyone here about it.

 

[MACKTEXAS]

I have a hard time expressing emotion, and tears don't come easily. I shut them off too many times because I didn't want to experience them. I don't like it that I'm that way. I remember some times I've come close to tears when watching a sad movie, but the part that saddens me more than the storyline is not having someone to watch it with. I do better with light entertainment than those kinds of movies.

 

[David later version]

If it is linked to something unresolved I suggest you try some gesture that helps you come to terms with whatever it is that is troubling you.

Loneliness is the easiest thing to deal with. Join some group where you are being of service to others. I've joined the group that looks after our church garden. It only involves one morning a week and it gets me out of the house, into the sunshine, and I make myself useful watering or pruning the plants, or bringing something to share for morning tea. I find this very therapeutic.

For deeper conditions like regret or grief I have had to resort to more symbolic actions.

My father died when I was only 25 years old. I was married with two small children and I had never been to anyone's funeral before and I was completely shattered by his loss. Dad loved the red flowering gums that are native to Western Australia and I decided to plant one in my garden. I couldn't find a red on so I settled on a pink flowering gum. I planted it in the back garden where I could see it when I was in the kitchen washing the dishes.

The tree grew very rapidly and I discovered that it was a Tasmanian Blue Gum (because of the colour of the leaves) and that it is one of Australia's tallest trees. It grew and grew, and watching it grow gave me a warm feeling and I was able to lay aside my sorrow.

Eventually the roots blocked the sewer main for the houses behind our house, not once, but twice. The tree had to go before it could grow any bigger but by this time I had come to terms with the early loss of my father, and I said goodbye to the tree without feeling further loss.

I had a different problem with my father's mother. Grandma had a sharp tongue, and I had often seen my mother in tears because of it. When I was engaged to be married, Hubby and I went to tell her the news. Without going into details, suffice it to say that her response was rather cutting. I vowed then that I would never allow her to hurt me as she did my mother. I never spoke to her again. She lived to 93, living just across the street from Mum and I was too stubborn to cross the road to speak to her, even after Dad died before she did.

When I was older and wiser I regretted my coldness to her. She had had a very hard life, losing a teenage daughter to kidney disease and two sons in the second world war. Her husband, my grandfather, returned from Palestine in the first world war with silicosis of the lungs caused by inhaling fine sand particles blown by desert winds. He was an invalid for the rest of his life. I began to understand her more and beat myself up for my lack of empathy but there was nothing I could do to atone for my past behaviour. However, Grandma had died, and I had not even had the grace to attend.

Later, in my middle years, Hubby and I went on an extended holiday using an around the world airline ticket. We were away for 5 months and on our way home we had a stopover in Singapore. One of Dad's brothers is buried there in Krangi Imperial War Cemetery. He was killed when the Japanese swept down the Malayan peninsula on the way to Singapore. No member of the family had ever seen the grave, but Dad's surviving two brothers told me where to look for him.

We found his headstone and I placed a Singapore orchid there as I muttered the words, "This is for you, Grandma". From that moment I have been at peace, no longer beating myself up for my past actions. We took a photo and gave one to each of my uncles. Now I feel reconciled to Grandma and I have forgiven her for the hurts her words caused so many years ago.

Why am I telling you this? It is because sometimes tears are flowing because deep inside we are nursing pain that needs to be dealt with. Symbolic gestures can be powerful emotional therapy. For some deep pain a therapist may be a shortcut to understanding where the pain comes from, and how to deal with it.

Everyone's pain is personal. I have shared my experience hoping that it may be helpful, but I have no insight into what is causing your emotional distress. You must handle your situation your own way.

Peace be with you.

Warrigal,

Wow, what a wonderful and insightful entry!

First, I live in a rural area, with little chance of joining some sort of group. There are plenty of church-related orgs, but I won't associate with organized religion. I've had my fill of holier-than-thou folks.

Your story of your experiences with the death of your father was powerful. The planting of the tree and the subsequent harm it did to your plumbing is one of those dichotomies in life where the action and reaction of events rarely make a lot of sense. In a sense, it was poignant.

Your situation with your grandmother is what hit me the hardest. During my 20 plus years of being my wife's caregiver, I learned to hate her. She had become hateful, disrespectful and accusatory. I grew to resent her and her medical conditions. She blamed me for every thing she was suffering through even though I treated her kindly for the most part.

However, there were times when I could not take the abuse anymore and I lashed out verbally and said hateful things back. That is were my guilt germinated. On her deathbed in a hospice, I forgave her and told her how sorry I was for the things I had said. But, she was unresponsive by that time and, though the nurses said she could still hear me, I had serious doubts. She died the next morning. She had spent 7 days in the hospice.

I talk to her (with her urn on my mantel as my focal point) often. I have asked for forgiveness more times than I can say. The other side of that coin is that she absolutely abused and degraded me for decades while I refused to leave her and saw it all through. I have come to the realization that she had more to apologize for than I ever did. Just because someone has passed away does not absolve them of the harm they caused. Sometimes, regret is not warranted. Everyone is responsible for their own behavior.

I would and have apologized for many times I crossed the line. I am opinionated but responsible. There is no excuse for incivility, particularly within a family circle. Nannette (my late wife) upset my parents so many times, I couldn't hardly take it. She completely destroyed my relationship with my sister over a stupid situation. Reconnecting with my sister after Nannette's death was a high point for me.

That said, what you did and said over your Dad's Brother's grave was pure goodness on your part. Honestly, I teared up over your forgiveness of your grandmother. What a beautiful sentiment!

Yes, I am nursing the profound pain of never being able to ask for forgiveness from Nannette while she was alive. It hurts deeply and I have yet to have forgiven myself. That's the truth. I have only urn and ashes to symbolically gesture to. It feels like a pale substitute for healing my guilt.

Warrigal, thank you for such a personal and deep entry. Bless you.

-David-

 

[Twostep]

The White Wolves, I presume, being a book you wrote? If so, did you self publish? As you probably know, there is a thing called one's Muse. Since my wife's death and my subsequent heart attack, et al, my muse has been quiet. I did have 2 spurts of creativity earlier this year when I wrote around 10,000 words twice. However, that is positively anemic within 4 years time! I have often, in the past, worked on more than one book at a time. Maybe again. Who knows?

-David-

The White Wolves are very comfortable in my head. SO knows them and so do a couple of close friends. Once a story line is on paper it is rigid not a story anymore which evolves.

 

[Twostep]

The White Wolves, I presume, being a book you wrote? If so, did you self publish? As you probably know, there is a thing called one's Muse. Since my wife's death and my subsequent heart attack, et al, my muse has been quiet. I did have 2 spurts of creativity earlier this year when I wrote around 10,000 words twice. However, that is positively anemic within 4 years time! I have often, in the past, worked on more than one book at a time. Maybe again. Who knows?

-David-

Give it a try!

 

[David later version]

Give it a try!

Twostep,

The Muse is a real thing that in my opinion cannot be forced. If I sit at my PC and I don't have that itch, nothing comes out. If the itch is there, I am a whirlwind of typing. It's as simple as that. It has been so on every novel I have written. Feast or Famine.

-David-

 

[Bretrick]

I too am prone to tearing up.
Watching abused animal videos really saddens me.
Sad movies bring on tears.
Even movies that deal with happy families make me cry because I never had happiness in my childhood, teenage years.
I do not watch "happy family" movies because I know it will effect me negatively.

 

[dobielvr]

Oh gosh, I do that all the time. I even got teary eyed looking at The Pioneer Woman's first granddaughter pic on FB. I just blame it on my lack of estrogen..