hearlady
Basic Member
- Location
- N Carolina
I missed this one. Great!
Ok Guys, Need some suggestions if you would
- Thread starter IrishEyes
- Start date
papa tiger
Well-known Member
Our guy hauls a guilty conscience. ..... 
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officerripley
Well-known Member
- Location
- Porlock, Calif
I just wish that weren't so expensive. (A couple of l know of that the wife is doing what's best for her and luckily they're wealthy or she wouldn't otherwise be able to.)
Yes divorce is expensive.
officerripley
Well-known Member
- Location
- Porlock, Calif
Well, it's not divorce for this couple, not yet anyway. The wife has moved into some kind of senior's living place and when I was told this, I said, "Wow are they getting divorced?!" (They been married 70 years or close to it.) And the person telling me said no, that the husband stays a couple of days a week with the wife at the senior's place and the rest of the time at their big house. Which has got to be almost expensive as divorce since senior's places around here are usually about $4,000/month or more.
Thank you for that! He's usually very honest when he's in pain of any kind but I know with his weight struggles he has this fear of the big C in the back of his mind and I think that is why he avoids the Dr as much as he does.
So far all is good but you never know when that day will/if show up. He will suffer with tooth pain for days and whine about it until I get the pliers out and say go or I will catch you sleeping.
He works produce at a local market so I know he has to be sore with the lifting they have to do, that's a given. He shows me his test results and lab work when he gets them and they have all been fine. So when I see him strut from now on I will just be grateful
he is enjoying himself and not compare to his shuffling at home.
Our lake here has a rule that if you have visitors and use the lake ONE person on the lease has to be in the boat. They do this so that guests don't come in racing madly about the lake like it's party time and leaving trash all about. I do appreciate that very much.
RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
@IrishEyes I hope the boating plans go well for you both
If not this, perhaps something else. Good luck
If not this, perhaps something else. Good luck
My late husband and I always did what HE wanted to do. Go out for dinner? Red Lobster. Vacations? Camping. No amount of talking about what I wanted would change his mind. Until I told him I would go without him. THAT did it! And he had a great time. Bragged about it to anybody who would listen.
Also, once he knew that I would do things without him, he suddenly became more interested in me, showed greater respect (which may also be because I started earning more than him).
My suggestion? Either take the boat out yourself without him if that's what you want to do or let it rot where it lies. Go out by yourself or with a friend; leave him to his own internet addiction. You can't save him; he will just dig in further if you try.
Edit to add: This sounds harsh. It wasn't that way. I always found a way to include something I knew he would like, IF he chose to participate. For instance, my daughter invited us to join her and her husband on a trip to Las Vegas. When I asked him, he said, "I don't gamble." I told him there were other things to do but he absolutely refused. I looked straight at him and said, "Okay. I'm going to go, though." He asked, "You would go without me?" When I said "yes", he said he would go. I bought tickets to the River Dance show; I knew he loved watching them on the TV. He had a ball!
Another time, I wanted to go to Hawaii. He wouldn't because he was afraid he would miss one of his chemo treatments. I asked his doctor about it and he said to go! So we did. I arranged to go parasailing AND to go visit the Pearl Harbor historical sites. He really liked the WWII history stuff. When we were at the parasailing place, he refused to go. They explained to me that their harness and equipment required two people. I looked around the room with other customers waiting and asked, "Anybody want a free ride? I'll pay." Before anybody could reply, he said, "Okay, I'll go."
Be prepared, however, for going to whatever by yourself. Do what makes you happy.
Also, once he knew that I would do things without him, he suddenly became more interested in me, showed greater respect (which may also be because I started earning more than him).
My suggestion? Either take the boat out yourself without him if that's what you want to do or let it rot where it lies. Go out by yourself or with a friend; leave him to his own internet addiction. You can't save him; he will just dig in further if you try.
Edit to add: This sounds harsh. It wasn't that way. I always found a way to include something I knew he would like, IF he chose to participate. For instance, my daughter invited us to join her and her husband on a trip to Las Vegas. When I asked him, he said, "I don't gamble." I told him there were other things to do but he absolutely refused. I looked straight at him and said, "Okay. I'm going to go, though." He asked, "You would go without me?" When I said "yes", he said he would go. I bought tickets to the River Dance show; I knew he loved watching them on the TV. He had a ball!
Another time, I wanted to go to Hawaii. He wouldn't because he was afraid he would miss one of his chemo treatments. I asked his doctor about it and he said to go! So we did. I arranged to go parasailing AND to go visit the Pearl Harbor historical sites. He really liked the WWII history stuff. When we were at the parasailing place, he refused to go. They explained to me that their harness and equipment required two people. I looked around the room with other customers waiting and asked, "Anybody want a free ride? I'll pay." Before anybody could reply, he said, "Okay, I'll go."
Be prepared, however, for going to whatever by yourself. Do what makes you happy.
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I actually did the same. After my 2 heart attacks in one night event, I thought... cripe there are things I want to do, like go to England
I approached him with it and got a million excuses why it was not a good idea. I booked my flight and hotel after I contacted friends there and went, by myself at age 64. The England trip was something I had to do for myself, it was a driving force. This boat thing is not the same at all.
Okay. I do wish you the best.
Honestly, I think this is based more on worry on my part because I see him losing interest in things he has loved so dearly. I knew nothing about depression when my Mom was suffering with it and being in another state away from her, had to sit as she declined. Turned out it was cancer in her brain. So I have some deeper fear that I dare not voice to him over this. I really did not want to even acknowledge it to myself because I experienced my late husbands colon/liver cancer when he was 47. Things are not always cut and dry until you know all involved. So I hope this helped you understand a bit more. I bet there are more going through these feelings than just me.
StarSong
Awkward is my Superpower
- Location
- Los Angeles Suburbs
Please let us know if your boat trip happened today. 
gruntlabor
Well-known Member
- Location
- Last Frontier, Age 83
What's he gonna do? It's not murder, it's marriage
officerripley
Well-known Member
- Location
- Porlock, Calif
Where some of my huzz's stubbornness about things comes from is partially hating being old. I guess nobody loves being old but some people have a harder time with it than others, I think.
gruntlabor
Well-known Member
- Location
- Last Frontier, Age 83
A sage hospital nurse once told me that most men don't handle illness well. It must be the testosterone.Step One, done, success
He woke up telling me jokes, explained he planned to go
1. survey the winter damage to boat and cover
2. check wires on the solar panel before putting the battery to them to charge
3. extract any water or crap that leaked inside
4. sweep and clean the inside
I am happy with that, it means he had it on his mind thinking about it.
Get there and the grounds crew had not yet cut the grass near the shore of the lake. Plants/grass up to our knees, hornets start up nests
here and there on the boat cover. I went back to house get the grass cutters and cut the stuff down to get to the boat while he got inside and began the cleaning and inspection.
It seems we had a few people die in the community and homes came up empty or not needed so the crew have been repairing / painting homes to be ready for sale, no spare time for lake maintenance.
I was quite impressed when all this unknown work was taken so....understandably by hubby. We were laughing about it, working together and it was pleasant. The battery is not charging yet, he wanted to bring the wires home and clean them off and check better for cracks. As we finished cleaning wait for it.... He says
"It is beautiful today out here, I wish we'd done this sooner so we could be out there on the lake"
I do think the fog is lifting and his joking and laughing was wonderful to hear. I am well pleased even though seeing him toss in a line didn't happen. I thanked him for the wonderful morning and told him, "I do miss doing these things with you, it's so much nicer with you".
He woke up telling me jokes, explained he planned to go
1. survey the winter damage to boat and cover
2. check wires on the solar panel before putting the battery to them to charge
3. extract any water or crap that leaked inside
4. sweep and clean the inside
I am happy with that, it means he had it on his mind thinking about it.
Get there and the grounds crew had not yet cut the grass near the shore of the lake. Plants/grass up to our knees, hornets start up nests
here and there on the boat cover. I went back to house get the grass cutters and cut the stuff down to get to the boat while he got inside and began the cleaning and inspection.
It seems we had a few people die in the community and homes came up empty or not needed so the crew have been repairing / painting homes to be ready for sale, no spare time for lake maintenance.
I was quite impressed when all this unknown work was taken so....understandably by hubby. We were laughing about it, working together and it was pleasant. The battery is not charging yet, he wanted to bring the wires home and clean them off and check better for cracks. As we finished cleaning wait for it.... He says
"It is beautiful today out here, I wish we'd done this sooner so we could be out there on the lake"
I do think the fog is lifting and his joking and laughing was wonderful to hear. I am well pleased even though seeing him toss in a line didn't happen. I thanked him for the wonderful morning and told him, "I do miss doing these things with you, it's so much nicer with you".
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
Sounds good, @IrishEyes, but one word of caution....
I get the feeling your husband is majorly sensitive to disappointing you. I think that when he believes he disappointed you, he's disappointed with himself even more. Like, he feels failure. That can be a very bad thing.
You said "I will just be grateful he is enjoying himself and not compare to his shuffling at home."
I loved that. That was a great line. Apply it to everything he does that gets him off the PC, even for a little while, and even things that seem really minor. Keep in mind that they aren't minor things to him. I get the feeling that, for him, there's no such thing as Baby Steps, and he needs your praise for every step.
(I mean, don't lay it on too thick, just openly appreciate each thing, you know?)
I get the feeling your husband is majorly sensitive to disappointing you. I think that when he believes he disappointed you, he's disappointed with himself even more. Like, he feels failure. That can be a very bad thing.
You said "I will just be grateful he is enjoying himself and not compare to his shuffling at home."
I loved that. That was a great line. Apply it to everything he does that gets him off the PC, even for a little while, and even things that seem really minor. Keep in mind that they aren't minor things to him. I get the feeling that, for him, there's no such thing as Baby Steps, and he needs your praise for every step.
(I mean, don't lay it on too thick, just openly appreciate each thing, you know?)
I really appreciate your words and you def. are on to something there. I have been so consumed over my son here that I allow that side to flood my mind. I too have not been myself either and had no idea, So I get you. Other things the last 5 years has pushed my usually most positive thinking to focusing on negative things more happening in the family. I think maybe hubby didn't feel needed or capable of helping me either.
For every action there is a reaction, right? My actions or lack of may be the very reason he maybe was feeling not needed. And that I am tempted to get a tattoo of on my forearm where I can see it everyday... ok maybe not a tattoo, maybe a fridge magnet.
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
Yeah, go with the magnet.I really appreciate your words and you def. are on to something there. I have been so consumed over my son here that I allow that side to flood my mind. I too have not been myself either and had no idea, So I get you. Other things the last 5 years has pushed my usually most positive thinking to focusing on negative things more happening in the family. I think maybe hubby didn't feel needed or capable of helping me either.
For every action there is a reaction, right? My actions or lack of may be the very reason he maybe was feeling not needed. And that I am tempted to get a tattoo of on my forearm where I can see it everyday... ok maybe not a tattoo, maybe a fridge magnet.
