Nothing To Look Forward To

S

SifuPhil

R.I.P. With Us In Spirit Only
Location
Pennsylvania, USA
A quote from Butterfly in another thread got me to thinking ...

it's kind of like I used to be right in the great big middle of the tapestry of life, but have now moved off into the background somehow.
Click to expand...

I get this. In fact, I get it so strongly that I've had this feeling for the last 15 years or so.

For me, part of it is physical. I'm no longer 20 and can't do all the things I used to. Through nobody's fault but my own I've recently been whacked with a few medical problems, which once again I'm not used to, and it has caused me to start slipping off the bright, clean middle of that tapestry.

My choice to cut myself off from the world - another slip toward the edge.

Convincing myself that my days of close relationships are over - hanging onto the fringe, scrabbling, to keep from falling into that dark, wood-floored abyss.

And finally the 2-ton elephant giving me what seems to be the final push - that I have nothing to look forward to. I've had my education, my career, wrote my books, did my partying, made love under a full moon on the beach, got married, had kids, divorced, SCUBA dived, skydived ... I've lived my life, lived longer than my family. I've laughed and I've cried.

What's left? What can I look forward to? Old age? Sitting in a rocking chair or, worse, a hospital, somewhere? What's that? Living off a measly SS hand-out from the government that won't even pay for the cat food?

Have any of you ever had these dark thoughts?
 

  • Like
Reactions: imp
That's mourning and self pity talking Phil. Sure on bad days I feel less enthusiastic than on good days. Some people do heal by withdrawal in which case I'd say go for it. But you seem close to real depression. Your life is not behind you. It's before you. Everyday presents new challenges, discoveries, joy and conversations. What about contributing to others who are younger and could gain from your experience and expertise? You don't even have to seek out needy people necessarily because the world is full of them and they will probably find you. Be receptive when they do. You'll probably find that you feel better.
Forgive me if you were just joking around. I can never tell when you're being serious or pulling a person's leg.
 
chic said:
That's mourning and self pity talking Phil.
Click to expand...

I was afraid it would come off that way. Mourning, perhaps - I'm currently mourning my past life, like so many others. I normally live in the present, but once in a while the safety brake slips and back I go.

Self-pity? Could be ... I'm too close to the problem to tell.

Sure on bad days I feel less enthusiastic than on good days. Some people do heal by withdrawal in which case I'd say go for it.
Click to expand...

I've been going for it for 15 years but the scenery hasn't changed.

But you seem close to real depression. Your life is not behind you. It's before you. Everyday presents new challenges, discoveries, joy and conversations.
Click to expand...

New challenges, yes - dealing with a body that has suddenly gone gimp. Discoveries - that I'm not the man I used to be. Joy? Get outta' here. Conversations are about the only thing left, and those are all virtual.

What about contributing to others who are younger and could gain from your experience and expertise? You don't even have to seek out needy people necessarily because the world is full of them and they will probably find you. Be receptive when they do. You'll probably find that you feel better.
Click to expand...

That was my career - teaching, advising, tutoring, passing on experience and expertise - since I was 18. Been there, done that. Burned out after 30 years.

Forgive me if you were just joking around. I can never tell when you're being serious or pulling a person's leg.
Click to expand...

No, I understand. My rep here - the one that I myself created - is as the Court Jester. I don't blame you at all for assuming this is just another joke. Maybe I should get a SERIOUS emoticon to use on these rare occasions ...
 
Philly, I have them. It may not show, but my skeletal system is held together by a wish and a prayer. A gift from my past. I can experience joy, laughter, love. But, to be honest, it is inevitable that emotionally speaking, pain is my familiar. Off and on

through the years I have experienced burnout, it can be crowded in my head with all the dragons in boxes, clamoring for release. Also, my vocation exhausts one from time to time. Some recharge, others do not. My education is never over. I learn

far more from my clients than they ever learn from me, so too in my non professional life. People Teach me so much, usually without ever realising it. One of my greatest is was a child. Oldest soul I have ever met. Philly, you teach without realising it,

just by your presence, even online. While you breathe, you will never truly retire. It can be heartwrenching to let go of our healthy selves and accept age related limitations. I certainly hear the clock ticking, and it frightens me, until I let go of the

woman I was. As for nothing to look forward too, as long as I can laugh, think, play, I can still connect with people. Who knows where that will lead? Death is inevitable, what occurs before that is still malleable. I cannot repeat the joys of my past, but I refuse to believe I cannot open myself to we we ones. I ain't dead yet.
 
I think about what's coming just around the corner also Phil and it ain't pretty.......it's depressing as hell actually.

Here's just a few things that quickly pop to mind that we have to look forward to:

Dementia....Alzheimer's....Parkinson's....Arthritis....Osteoporosis....Lack of mobility....Falling....Nursing homes....Diapers etc.

I read somewhere that on average if a person makes it to 65 that they can expect another 19.3 years of life......there is a huge difference between just being alive for 19.3 more years and the quality of life during those last years.

I think after you get to a certain point that death is a welcome friend.
 
Shalimar said:
Philly, I have them. It may not show, but my skeletal system is held together by a wish and a prayer. A gift from my past.
Click to expand...

Ah, then you know the feeling.

I can experience joy, laughter, love.
Click to expand...


So can I, still ... but far less frequently. It seems that a black hole is opening near those emotions / actions - slowly sucking them in.

But, to be honest, it is inevitable that emotionally speaking, pain is my familiar. Off and on through the years I have experienced burnout, it can be crowded in my head with all the dragons in boxes, clamoring for release. Also, my vocation exhausts one from time to time.
Click to expand...

You think your head is crowded?!? Mine is starting to feel like someone pumped helium into it!

As for an exhausting vocation - I totally can empathize. Not only did I spend all those years jumping around like a monkey on meth. forcing my body to do ridiculous things in the name of teaching, but also served as Father Confessor to so many souls.

Some recharge, others do not.
Click to expand...

My batteries have that white crystalline stuff all over them - they're not recharging properly these days, and it seems that all the vinegar in the world doesn't clean them up. They're ready for the scrap heap.


My education is never over. I learn far more from my clients than they ever learn from me, so too in my non professional life. People Teach me so much, usually without ever realising it. One of my greatest is was a child. Oldest soul I have ever met.
Click to expand...

I also knew this feeling on many occasions - it was wonderful, yes.


Philly, you teach without realising it, just by your presence, even online. While you breathe, you will never truly retire.
Click to expand...

Oh, Lord ... let me go, please. I'm tired of teaching - I want to rest. Too much responsibility, too much effort, too much pain. My last remaining student, at least "officially", has been with me for 14 years. He keeps coming back, 3 times a week, even when I've used negative reinforcement methods on him - sometimes brutally. Like a puppy getting kicked he always returns, licking my hand and looking for love of a sort.

I'm not sure how much longer I'll be capable of giving it, and that frightens me.

It can be heartwrenching to let go of our healthy selves and accept age related limitations. I certainly hear the clock ticking, and it frightens me, until I let go of the woman I was.
Click to expand...

I know that change is inevitable - until now I had no qualms with that. But so much of my life and my career were wrapped up in being physically superior, only to have it all pulled away in a heartbeat, is difficult to accept. Like one of those faithful who are "healed" by the televangelist, I can dance around for a minute, but when the spotlight is shut down I still fall on my ass.

As for nothing to look forward too, as long as I can laugh, think, play, I can still connect with people. Who knows where that will lead? Death is inevitable, what occurs before that is still malleable. I cannot repeat the joys of my past, but I refuse to believe I cannot open myself to we we ones. I ain't dead yet.
Click to expand...

And maybe there is the big difference between me and "normal" people like you - you have hope; I do not. Hope needs fuel, a target - all of my ducks have flown away. Religion doesn't do it for me, nor do the ra-ra motivational speakers with their perfect grooming, Calvin Klein suits and tricky word games. Hope to me is like a fart in a tornado - it is rarely seen and never touched.
 
IKE said:
I think about what's coming just around the corner also Phil and it ain't pretty.......it's depressing as hell actually.

Here's just a few things that quickly pop to mind that we have to look forward to:

Dementia....Alzheimer's....Parkinson's....Arthritis....Osteoporosis....Lack of mobility....Falling....Nursing homes....Diapers etc.

I read somewhere that on average if a person makes it to 65 that they can expect another 19.3 years of life......there is a huge difference between just being alive for 19.3 more years and the quality of life during those last years.

I think after you get to a certain point that death is a welcome friend.
Click to expand...

Exactly, Ike. Like the guys in the 'hood say, "You smell me". :D

Oh, man, another 19 years of this crap? :jaded:
 
Normal, me? Hahahahahhahahahaha. Philly people with my background are NEVER normal. I have a PHD in abnormal. Closest I ever got was watching my kids grow up. Hope? That has Often been in short supply. Stubbornness not to let the bas***** win,

carried me through most of my incarcerations in the pit. I live with the probability that as I age, the dragons will break free, should that happen, I am toast. But it hasn't happened yet, and if I must, I will sing and dance on the edge rather than give up. Who knows what may happen?
 
Shalimar said:
Normal, me? Hahahahahhahahahaha. Philly people with my background are NEVER normal. I have a PHD in abnormal. Closest I ever got was watching my kids grow up.
Click to expand...

Well, perhaps "normal" wasn't the proper term to use in your case, I know ... ;) ... still I wanted to use you as my example, as I know you would flog me only a little bit.


Hope? That has Often been in short supply.
Click to expand...

So it's a universal problem?

Stubbornness not to let the bas***** win, carried me through most of my incarcerations in the pit.
Click to expand...

Despite what many of my (former) acquaintances say of me, stubbornness can be a blessing. Thank you for verifying that.

I live with the probability that as I age, the dragons will break free, should that happen, I am toast. But it hasn't happened yet, and if I must, I will sing and dance on the edge rather than give up. Who knows what may happen?
Click to expand...

Back in elementary school we used to have "Air raid practice". At the time, the big goblin was the atomic bomb being dropped upon us by those naughty Russkies. So, every once in a while - monthly, I seem to recall - the sirens would go off during class. What did we do?

We marched down to the basement, leaned against the wall and clasped our hands over our necks.

All but me, that is.

I stood in the middle of the corridor, spread my hands wide, looked upward and chanted "I've got it! I've got it!"

There was some talk about placing me in the "Special" class but somehow that never happened.
 
SifuPhil said:
Exactly, Ike. Like the guys in the 'hood say, "You smell me". :D

Oh, man, another 19 years of this crap? :jaded:
Click to expand...

I'm picking up what you're laying down brother.

I only hope that when I get to the point where 'I Feel' I've had enough of this crap that I still have the physical and mental capabilities to opt out on my own as opposed to just waiting for it to happen.
 
Shalimar said:
HaHaHaHaHa! Shall we dance? Or would you rather sing?
Click to expand...

I always enjoyed playing the little plastic flutes they gave us (actually, Mom had to pay for) in grade school called the Flutophone.

flutophone.jpg

Imagine a harried music instructor trying to get 25 kids to hit the same notes at the same time with this lethal weapon. It sounded like a bunch of cats on fire sliding down a chalkboard.
 
IKE said:
I'm picking up what you're laying down brother.

I only hope that when I get to the point where 'I Feel' I've had enough of this crap that I still have the physical and mental capabilities to opt out on my own as opposed to just waiting for it to happen.
Click to expand...

Exactly. My brother chose that path and although it was painful to process, I know it was the best way. I just have nightmares about being kept from doing it.
 
Shalimar said:
I wonder if they are similar to what Canadians call recorders?
Click to expand...

I think they're very close, although ours were cheap plastic and cost like $2. Recorders I've always seen as beautiful, hand-crafted instruments. With the Flutophones, after playing them for a month you could start to nibble on the mouthpiece and it would come apart in your mouth.

At least, that's what I did ... again, talk of "Special" class was rampant.
 
Shalimar said:
I think ending one's life when the quality no longer exists, is a dignified exit. I certainly plan on riding out on a pill if and when I am too old and decrepit to smile at the sky.
Click to expand...

Beautifully put.

Although with pills, with my luck the only ones I'd have on hand would be Flintstones Gummy Dinosaur vitamins. :(
 
We may all be "seniors" on here, but some of us are a lot more senior than others. Thus, differing view points about whether life is "over" or not. If you're in your early sixties and in good physical shape, sure, go for it. Take up bike riding. Try on-line dating. At 83, having lost my wife and younger son in the last year and a half, my life may not be "over" but it will never be the same. Not interested in "moving on". I don't sit around crying all day. There are things that occupy my mind and get me through the day, but I've had enough. If I don't wake up tomorrow,that would be no tragedy.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Back
Top