Diwundrin
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nth Coast NSW Australia
.... see, this is the kind of thing that caused my choice to stay single. 
(..and to keep off Facebook)
(..and to keep off Facebook)
Need insights and advices on my husband's behaviour after the retirement
- Thread starter Cosmos70
- Start date
- Status
Thanks all for your insights, suggestions and thoughts.
One thing I need to consider before doing any major action/planning is my husband is not only my partner/husband but also my children's father. As always I've been mentioning here, I LOVE the family more than anything else in the world and also they offer me motivation and happiness.
Yes, some of my husband's activities might be bothersome, however the women in need is not a young teenager, ... she's the mature woman, in her early '60s. The activity such as this taking place is not only one but also two to involve.
Furthermore, my husband is no longer young man who has physical health issue that prevents him from perform sextually. He's a kind fragile some of days mentally and physically. Simply, a good reason of my hesitation on the harshness is we, the family and I need him and also want him to be happy, particuraly in his twiligt years.
As for the harshness, my husband is not perfect from the beginning, .... he likes to help women in need and not give me enough attention as a husband, however I, too not a perfect wife, either in his view. The instance such as this, what sort of punishment he deserves? He's always saying, the family and me is his very first priority and assuring me never intend to breaking up the marriage that is our majority of life, over 45 years. Only source of breaking up is I nagging and complaing about his activity, minding only my happiness and not care about the family and him, otherwise my family is very stable and happy. In that regard, like most of couples, I, as a wife and a mother holding a crucial 'key' to keep the marriage running.
One thing I need to consider before doing any major action/planning is my husband is not only my partner/husband but also my children's father. As always I've been mentioning here, I LOVE the family more than anything else in the world and also they offer me motivation and happiness.
Yes, some of my husband's activities might be bothersome, however the women in need is not a young teenager, ... she's the mature woman, in her early '60s. The activity such as this taking place is not only one but also two to involve.
Furthermore, my husband is no longer young man who has physical health issue that prevents him from perform sextually. He's a kind fragile some of days mentally and physically. Simply, a good reason of my hesitation on the harshness is we, the family and I need him and also want him to be happy, particuraly in his twiligt years.
As for the harshness, my husband is not perfect from the beginning, .... he likes to help women in need and not give me enough attention as a husband, however I, too not a perfect wife, either in his view. The instance such as this, what sort of punishment he deserves? He's always saying, the family and me is his very first priority and assuring me never intend to breaking up the marriage that is our majority of life, over 45 years. Only source of breaking up is I nagging and complaing about his activity, minding only my happiness and not care about the family and him, otherwise my family is very stable and happy. In that regard, like most of couples, I, as a wife and a mother holding a crucial 'key' to keep the marriage running.
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I can absolutely understand your wanting your husband to be happy, but we, as women, very often put ourselves and our happiness last to please others. Your life and well-being is just as important as his. Just a reminder, that you also should be happy, particularly in your twilight years. :love_heart:
Katybug
Senior Member
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
I understand now Cosmos. I wouldn't tolerate that type of relationship if it was my husband and other women. Those women can absolutely get someone else to help them out or somebody else' shoulder to cry on. I would absolutely never, ever, take advantage of any man like that, and I know that by having that kind of relationship is definitely disrespecting his wife...to say the least.
You know that even though it's not physically sexual, these types of emotional relationships are almost as bad, there are such things as emotional affairs. I suspect that these women are looking for excuses to get in touch with your husband for help, a ride, assistance, counselor or confidant. I'm not buying it that they can't get a relative, handyman, or someone else to help them out if they really need it.
I agree that your husband either has to become more involved with you and the things you do on a daily basis, or get a hobby of his own. I would have a talk with him if it were my husband, and ask him how he would feel if a man was calling me up to chat about his problems at work, or calling me to ask him to drive him somewhere, or asking me to go shopping with him to pick out a suit...whatever.
If he says he wouldn't mind, look him seriously in the eye and ask him, 'really'? If he says again it would be okay, then I'd have to take another approach. I would have a talk with the woman on the side, and tell her to back off. I'd make it clear that even though my husband was very nice and didn't mind doing favors for her, that I did mind it, and won't tolerate it. I'd remind her that a real woman wouldn't take advantage of a man like that, and disrespect his wife in the process.
Maybe you're just too reliable in his mind, and he doesn't feel he needs to pay attention to you any more. Maybe he know that you'll be home, cleaning house, tending the garden and no risk that you're doing otherwise.
If he's not willing to change his habits with women, and find himself a hobby or some men friends to do something with, then you can always use reverse psychology. You can not be home when he gets there and expects you. You can dress a bit nicer, and put on some special make-up, and go out to the movies with a girlfriend or go shopping. Make him a bit jealous, and keep him guessing as to what you're doing, who you're with...and see how that works.
Sometimes they won't realize how they're making you feel, or the wrong in what they're doing, unless the tables are turned. I'm sure you're a very beautiful woman inside and out. You may have to make him think he's pushing you away with his behavior, and possibly there's a man that is comforting you.
It doesn't matter if it's not true, it might just be a wake-up call for him. You absolutely deserve to be happy and fulfilled in your life too, and he should be there for you. You may not want or need to do all the things I suggested, but I think you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. :girl_hug:
This is such good advice, and some I hope you will follow. There is no excuse for disrespect and since he isn't willing to change his habits, I'm hoping you'll give very serious consideration to the advice Seabreeze is offering. I don't think I could help but say to him, if it continues on as is, "I'm your loving wife and I wish you would treat me half as nice as you treat your lady friends." He definitely needs to hear that since he's willing to help them out, but offers no help to you around the house. Tho he already knows how very hurtful this is to you and it probably wouldn't mean a tinkers damn in saying it.
I have lived alone for years and can't imagine having the nerve of these women, in asking a married man for anything other than for a lift if they lived close by and he and his wife were going to the same event...and even then it would be because I was unable to drive or my car was in the shop!
This woman you're referring to who is being so aggressive has no scruples whatsoever and he's acting extremely poorly in responding to it, knowing her reputation. I don't know how you've put up with it as long as you have, but there would be no quality meals prepared and no laundry done if it were me. Obviously, you're not the witch I would have been all along, when this first started happening.
Women of her ilk act like fools when it comes to a nice man, ready to take quick advantage of anyone willing. He's behaving equally as foolishly, in my opinion, in being a part of it. But you know what you're dealing with and it's a real shame, so we're all hoping you'll stand up for yourself in taking some type of action on your own. Otherwise, your misery will never change.
Good luck and welcome to our group. Glad we could be here for you.
I'm curious as to your son's thoughts on this behavior. Does your son agree with you that you husband's attention to these women is excessive, and he should be focused on you and your family? Has your son ever mentioned anything to your husband about helping the other women?
Thanks all for your concerns and suggestions.
One thing I need to tell you all is that my husband is NOT a bad person, ... rather most of people calls him a 'good person' who cares about the others, both male and females and eager to help the others out whenever they need. However, recently most of his assistances started on women in need that caused me to upset. I talked him a number of times recently and he responded every concerns and worries accumulated in my mind. He also reassured me NOT worry and plus he said he really likes me working around the house clean, nice and tending flowers and dogs and other animals. That's really a compliments to me, because I genuinely like doing things at home, particularly after the retirement. I'm in fairly good health without hospital-trips excepts child-birth and there is no financial worry thanks to his hard work and his wise and good financial investment throughout his working years.
As for my adult children, they are very supportive to me whenever they see some issues with my husband/their father, but in the end, strange to say, I'm the one who always defend my husband and saying he's a good person. They have their own familys and need to concentrate on their lives, then all of them seem not to get nosey on his behaviour unless I tell them which I try not to do.
I'm a kind a forgiving and understanding(at least trying to) individual that goes to not only my husband but the others well that in turn makes me happy since we started the family. Through the experience such as, one good lesseon on our marriage I learned is to 'speak out'/'talk,' rather the third party intervention, i.e., minister or counselor. However, if no resolution to see, then there needs the third party. Also, one 'flaw' such as this can NOT make his 'whole' character, my husband has many good characters I see during more than 45 years' marriage. Keep in mind, we, all humans there are positive and negative sides, I, too can not avoid some 'flaws' during those many years' marriage on which my husband gave good support and love, rather criticism and trashed me. Then, I think that I need NOT to overreact on his behaviour, but certainly I set a boundary for him not to cross it.
One thing I need to tell you all is that my husband is NOT a bad person, ... rather most of people calls him a 'good person' who cares about the others, both male and females and eager to help the others out whenever they need. However, recently most of his assistances started on women in need that caused me to upset. I talked him a number of times recently and he responded every concerns and worries accumulated in my mind. He also reassured me NOT worry and plus he said he really likes me working around the house clean, nice and tending flowers and dogs and other animals. That's really a compliments to me, because I genuinely like doing things at home, particularly after the retirement. I'm in fairly good health without hospital-trips excepts child-birth and there is no financial worry thanks to his hard work and his wise and good financial investment throughout his working years.
As for my adult children, they are very supportive to me whenever they see some issues with my husband/their father, but in the end, strange to say, I'm the one who always defend my husband and saying he's a good person. They have their own familys and need to concentrate on their lives, then all of them seem not to get nosey on his behaviour unless I tell them which I try not to do.
I'm a kind a forgiving and understanding(at least trying to) individual that goes to not only my husband but the others well that in turn makes me happy since we started the family. Through the experience such as, one good lesseon on our marriage I learned is to 'speak out'/'talk,' rather the third party intervention, i.e., minister or counselor. However, if no resolution to see, then there needs the third party. Also, one 'flaw' such as this can NOT make his 'whole' character, my husband has many good characters I see during more than 45 years' marriage. Keep in mind, we, all humans there are positive and negative sides, I, too can not avoid some 'flaws' during those many years' marriage on which my husband gave good support and love, rather criticism and trashed me. Then, I think that I need NOT to overreact on his behaviour, but certainly I set a boundary for him not to cross it.
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Katybug
Senior Member
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
I don't mean this sarcastically in any way, but I think you're a saint. Your husband is one more lucky man to have such a devoted and caring wife and I would love to tell him so. 
I always thought that your husband was a very caring person and a good man. I only had suspicions of the woman involved. I am of the mind also, to speak with my husband about issues, rather than involve a stranger to mediate. We've been married 37+ years, and living together for around 40...so we know each other and can usually work through any problems.
You are very patient, and it's unfortunate that you should have anything happening in your life where your mind is not at ease. If your husband can just move his helpful deeds to others, instead of these church women, then things may improve for both of you. Wishing you the best, it's good that you're talking about it, that has to help a bit. :love_heart:
You are very patient, and it's unfortunate that you should have anything happening in your life where your mind is not at ease. If your husband can just move his helpful deeds to others, instead of these church women, then things may improve for both of you. Wishing you the best, it's good that you're talking about it, that has to help a bit. :love_heart:
Thanks for the compliment. However, if that's really true, it becomes only 'one-side' story. Because, during my younger age, I had guys before and even after the marriage. Make a long story short, one before the marriage, it was a sort of passionate one and the other after the marriage was, so called 'emotional affair' which lasted more than two years. My husband KNEW and I told him most of things happened with this guy. He was kind and nice to me when most of my husband's assignment was oversea trips that strained the marriage in some way, particularly when raising children which needed my husband's help. This guy came to my life during those difficult years and we talked a lot, a lot and many differen things, both in person and over the phone. However, we never crossed a line which was we both knew from the beginning we are married people and stuck to it, even there were a few temptation along with attemps we wanted to do. He has a wonderful and beautiful wife who seemed aware but never tried to see me neither talked to me. Anyhow, looking back things happened and last quite long,.... to this day, oddly say tho', I never regret it happened, rather it's a fond and wonderful, like a dream-like memory. In my guess, .... primary because we did NOT a mistake(you know what I mean?).I don't mean this sarcastically in any way, but I think you're a saint. Your husband is one more lucky man to have such a devoted and caring wife and I would love to tell him so.
Seeing through the experience, I KNOW very well that my husband does NOT quit nor able to stop his behaviour towards this lady in need, at least for awhile, then there is nothing I can do about it. Only good advice I can offer to him is NOT get too close to her. Otherwise, she might think him likes and wants to be her rest of life's companion or close to it. That's, however not his intention, he needs 'outside-fun' having a good female friend. Furthermore, he always telling and reminds me several times since this happened, I'm only lady he loves and his life-long partner and wife.
In the meantime, I trying to be an understanding wife who cares about flowers, house and a lot of animals around the house, rather than giving him any criticism. That's to be an untold mutual agreement in order to keep our marriage happy and consructive. Also, we WANT to live as long as possible, like any older folks want to be.
Fern
Member
- Location
- New Zealand
Reading the above there's been some murky waters over the years, which is commonplace in many relationships. Perhaps your husband feels its payback time.
You can't beat having your cake and eat it too.
Ozarkgal
Senior Member
- Location
- Deep in the Ozark woods
I guess I don't see the problem..sounds like you have it figured out and under control to your satisfaction.
:dunno:
SifuPhil
R.I.P. With Us In Spirit Only
- Location
- Pennsylvania, USA
"Murky"? I think the Sargasso Sea during a major oil spill would be clearer than this.
Had I been on a jury and voted solely on the initial presenting account I would have hung the husband. Now? A vote of "no confidence".
For both sides.
Jillaroo
Demented
- Location
- Mid North Coast NSW Australia
I have been thinking the same thing TWH
Katybug
Senior Member
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
TWH, I think you're onto something. I'm beginning to agree with you, OG and Jill....no matter what suggestions we offer, there is one excuse after another made for the husband's actions. It's a total waste of time when people ask for advice, and when it's given, defenses go up for every aspect of it -- in post after post. And not a darned one of them make any sense. If one is not willing to even remotely listen, I'm not willing to be dragged down reading it.
I sincerely apologize if I am wrong, but don't think that's the case. If it's true, all I can say is the wife needs serious professional help in her doormat role. She's as guilty as the husband for allowing such behavior and now I'm done with this thread!
I'm with you Sherlock! .. It's too much over the top, wanting and pushing for more reactions. ..
Someone is having a good laugh!
Ozarkgal
Senior Member
- Location
- Deep in the Ozark woods
This didn't pass the smell test from the beginning....what say you Cosmos?
What seemed strange to me was Cosmos venting about the husband not doing work at home, but happy to see her doing work in the kitchen, flowers, dogs, etc.
But - she's happy with doing all that herself, while he's helping other women.. Can't say I know any women who could say that.......
But - she's happy with doing all that herself, while he's helping other women.. Can't say I know any women who could say that.......
Jillaroo
Demented
- Location
- Mid North Coast NSW Australia
There are so many TROLLS on the internet who love nothing better than setting people up and having a good laugh about it when they read the responses, i won't be wasting anymore time on this TROLL, very sad that people feel the need to do this just for attention
Casper
Silver Streak
I agree......thought it was a bit fishy right from the start.....every time someone gave an opinion or advice she? would come back with the same old story, she was happy with her life and her husband......so WHY in the hell did she come here in the first place? :indecisiveness:
Definitely not for our advice as it's been rejected all along.
Interesting thread, to say the least, and no reply from COSMOS as yet.
Definitely not for our advice as it's been rejected all along.
Interesting thread, to say the least, and no reply from COSMOS as yet.
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Katybug
Senior Member
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
There are so many TROLLS on the internet who love nothing better than setting people up and having a good laugh about it when they read the responses, i won't be wasting anymore time on this TROLL, very sad that people feel the need to do this just for attention
On a more serious note, do you think this spray would work on Palmetto Bugs???
The thread seemed to go in circles, but Cosmos70 may just be confused. Maybe she wanted some advice, but wasn't really ready to make any changes in the way she was handling things with her husband. I agree that the thread did turn out to look suspicious, with all the back and forth, but I wouldn't resort to any name calling.
Cosmos, we all had very good intentions to help you, and gave very caring and excellent advice, in my opinion. We were realistic in our responses, and honestly, are a bit frustrated that you just basically repeated your story and made excuses for your husband...and in the same breath, you said how disturbed you were by his behavior with women.
Please let us know how you're feeling, and if you just want to let the behavior from the woman/women continue, and just bite the bullet as far as your happiness. That's fine too, completely your decision and happiness at stake.
Cosmos, we all had very good intentions to help you, and gave very caring and excellent advice, in my opinion. We were realistic in our responses, and honestly, are a bit frustrated that you just basically repeated your story and made excuses for your husband...and in the same breath, you said how disturbed you were by his behavior with women.
Please let us know how you're feeling, and if you just want to let the behavior from the woman/women continue, and just bite the bullet as far as your happiness. That's fine too, completely your decision and happiness at stake.
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