We need to feel needed

Katybug

Katybug

Senior Member
Location
Charlotte, NC
After dad died my mom maintained her home out of town, but lived with me a good deal of the time, prior to remarrying 10 yrs later. I don't think I could have done it without her in raising my 2 girls.

During a long term relationship and some wk-end evenings away from family, I expressed being so grateful to her to my partner. He reminded me older people need to feel needed, gives them a purpose, he said. I didn't totally get it then, but I do now.

This week I made spaghetti sauce and purchased everything else for a dinner for the boss, a few of his married male friends & their sons -- a wk-end at the mountain home. He just e-mailed a big thank you, that everyone loved the sauce and one said I should be marketing it.

Do I need to tell you how good that made me feel? We all need to feel we're contributing something.
 

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Too true. When Mum died I think it was the fact that not a soul on Earth 'needed' me any more that was the hardest thing to cope with. Then I got a dog and a renewed excuse to exist. I'm pretty much over that now.
Our own need to be needed is a hard shackle to break. Seems to be a self esteem thing. It shouldn't matter to us whether we're worth much to any one else or not, but it does doesn't it? I've no idea why that seems so ingrained, instinct or imprint? I guess it holds civilization together though as if we were all devoid of it we'd be back in the trees in no time.
 
Thinking further about that. The figures have come out recently showing us to have among the highest 'despression' count on the planet. Fa gawd's sake why? It's paradise here compared to most places, we have a higher standard of living, we are so far war and famine free, so why are so many of us turning into hopeless depressives?? Why are refugees so desperately clinging to miserable lives while we are topping ourselves in paradise?

Maybe someone should compare the welfare figure rise with the depression figures rise? Maybe more people feel useless now?
Many suicides are among farmers who are the generation to 'lose the farm.' Do they feel failures because they aren't 'needed' any more? Teenage suicides may be among those who see themselves as future cogs in the wheels of a machinery that really doesn't 'need' them and won't miss them when they're thrown onto the welfare heap? Doloes overdose with alarming regularity. Because they see themselves as the debris of society?

Perhaps if we made life a little harder and gave people a feeling of accomplishment instead of unearned entitlement they'd feel better about themselves? Maybe it really is a hardwired instinct and another of nature's ways of disposing of the drones and 'unneeded'?
But just wonderin'.

... and if anyone is in desperate need of feeling needed, PM me for address and turn with up cleaning gear and a recipe book.
 

Leave the lights on, Di, if I get the urge to cook or clean, I know exactly where to go. Well, I'm waiting for the address which I trust will be coming shortly. :)
 
Odd then that I was the most depressed I've ever been after I had given birth to #2.
It lasted two years and all that time I was very needed. Too much so because my needs were largely unmet.
I fantasised about running away from home.
 
No smart*rse answers for that one Warri. I used to get depressed just thinking about the possibility of getting pregnant at all, I doubt I'd have lasted the distance to getting the post natal version.

It's pretty common though isn't it?
 
Common, it would seem so but I think it is over medicalised.
For me it was a situational depression. I was isolated at home, without a network of friends.
The neighbours all went out to work, I had no car access and very limited money to spend.
I've never found fulfilment in housework or craft work because I'm crap at both.
I used to think life would be better if hubby took a second wife, as long as I could be head wife.
I would have relished the company and shared the work load.

I never went near a doctor because I didn't know I was depressed.
I just thought, correctly, that I was miserably unhappy.

Things looked up when, in the height of the teacher crisis of '69, I was recruited out of my backyard by a local headmaster to take over as the sixth teacher that year (by June) to teach some rather wild maths classes. It was six months of pure hell but so much better than staying at home. After that I knew where I belonged - I WAS NEEDED.

:lol:
 
I do cut grass for neighbors, they work 12/7 and they have 4 kids.
Do I do it for them, or for my self (being needed)?
Being retired, I do have time.
Well they are grateful, in small, kind ways. We are all needed, all of us, all off them. That what the life is all about.
The strangers are friends we haven't meet before.!
Helping hand, smile, friendship, is like a boomerang. It comes back. But, if you are intrusive, snoopy etc, it will come back, for shure! It will hit you in the face.
Help if you can, and when you asked. But respect other people privacy! Do not intrude, with your goodness!
Because, if you do, you doing it for your "EGO'!
 
When our beautiful Sassy, Shih Tzu, was getting sicker and sicker, I and the wife would hold her while she was having convulsions. Just the look in her eyes, staring up at me, knew that I was needed to comfort her. I get teary eyed just thinking about her, but a simple reach out to human or animal can be very rewarding.
 
Sunshine, she gave to you, what you gave to her. and vice versa.
The problem is, that we live 70, and our beloved friends have shorter life span. I have 3 graves of my puppies in the garden.
I planted the trees on their graves..
and i call trees their names.Do not linger on sorrow, but remember, how much love you had!
 
...nice thread, wonderful advice....after a lifetime of helping out friends and family with every need you can imagine, I'm finding it nice that the table is turning somewhat....it does come back.:)
 
Pappy said:
When our beautiful Sassy, Shih Tzu, was getting sicker and sicker, I and the wife would hold her while she was having convulsions. Just the look in her eyes, staring up at me, knew that I was needed to comfort her. I get teary eyed just thinking about her, but a simple reach out to human or animal can be very rewarding.
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I so can relate to that. Our beautiful Demelza, long haired ginger puss with a big wide tail, has been gone for 10 years, it took me months to stop looking to let her in of a night. I miss her just as much to-day. RIP my pet.
 
Over the years i have had a few dogs, but this little ball of fluff called Jack who was a Maltese touched my heart like no other dog has ever done, he was a clown who entertained me every day, then came the fits and he changed gradually, sadly i lost him and was devastated so distraught my blood pressure went through the roof and a blood vessel burst in my nose so off to the hospital i went, i still miss my little manca316070055a5f4eeb1f3c23990cf9a163f27e28_s (1).jpg specially when i have some left over chicken or i see some little dog toys he loved toys.
 
Warrigal said:
Odd then that I was the most depressed I've ever been after I had given birth to #2.
It lasted two years and all that time I was very needed. Too much so because my needs were largely unmet.
I fantasised about running away from home.
Click to expand...

Post partum (sp?) depression is AWFUL, I had a bit of it, but I know many others who have had it far worse. It's caused by extreme hormonal changes and, to me, is different than other types of depression we may have -- in that the only way you can suffer with it is after giving birth. Brooke Shields brought it to the public eye and said she could barely bond w/her baby 'til after she was put on proper meds. She remains a Godsend to thousands who may/or had suffered with it, making it well known that it can strike any mother and there is nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of. And, moreover, that when the symptoms appear, one doesn't have to be ashamed to tell their dr about it. Brave soul she was in coming out with such important info because it's all too common and up until then it was an illness that could new mother's feel so ashamed.

I was referring to regularly seeing aging people suffering from depression, myself included,...caused by being lonely and feeling as if they aren't contributing much any more. I've worked my way through it somewhat, not completely. A pat on the head goes a long way these days.
 
Warrigal said:
Common, it would seem so but I think it is over medicalised.
For me it was a situational depression. I was isolated at home, without a network of friends.
The neighbours all went out to work, I had no car access and very limited money to spend.
I've never found fulfilment in housework or craft work because I'm crap at both.
I used to think life would be better if hubby took a second wife, as long as I could be head wife.
I would have relished the company and shared the work load.

I never went near a doctor because I didn't know I was depressed.
I just thought, correctly, that I was miserably unhappy.

Things looked up when, in the height of the teacher crisis of '69, I was recruited out of my backyard by a local headmaster to take over as the sixth teacher that year (by June) to teach some rather wild maths classes. It was six months of pure hell but so much better than staying at home. After that I knew where I belonged - I WAS NEEDED.

:lol:
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Very touching ending!:)
 
Jillaroo said:
Over the years i have had a few dogs, but this little ball of fluff called Jack who was a Maltese touched my heart like no other dog has ever done, he was a clown who entertained me every day, then came the fits and he changed gradually, sadly i lost him and was devastated so distraught my blood pressure went through the roof and a blood vessel burst in my nose so off to the hospital i went, i still miss my little manView attachment 3630 specially when i have some left over chicken or i see some little dog toys he loved toys.
Click to expand...
I can so relate to this Jillaroo, what a sweet little man Jack was. It is devasting to lose such a huge part of your life.
 

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