GREYSONS SENSE OF HUMOR ... I will add more when I can remember them ...

Greyson

Greyson

Member
Location
Margate England
​Seniors top music chart ... AKA Golden Oldies ...

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
Roberta Flack - The First Time I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Don't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Fall
Leslie Gore - It's My pension and I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again
 
Peanuts on the bus ...
A driver is taking a bus load of seniors down to the coast when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him a third batch he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love sucking the chocolate off them.'
 
Not so famous after all ...
One day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there EVERYBODY greeted him because of course, everybody knew him. One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?" and the old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."
 
A senior computer moment ...

While visiting my son I asked for the password to his Wi-Fi .


“It’s taped under the modem,” he told me .


After three failed attempts to log on, I asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M ? ”
 
Smiling John ...
[FONT=&quot]
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.” he said with a big grin ...[/FONT]
 
A good reason to marry ...

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it...)
- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 
Anger management ...
.
[FONT=&quot]A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.[/FONT]
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
.

 
If God had used 'market research' we might have got a form like this ...[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.


In order to better serve your needs, He or She asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.


1. How did you find out about your deity?


__ Newspaper


__ Bible


__ Torah


__ Television


__ Book of Mormon


__ Divine Inspiration


__ Dead Sea Scrolls


__ My Mama Done Told Me


__ Near Death Experience


__ Near Life Experience


__ National Public Radio


__ Tabloid


__ Burning Shrubbery


__ Other (specify): _____________




2. Which model deity did you acquire?


__ Jehovah


__ Jesus


__ Allah


__ Krishna


__ Buddha


__ Father, Son, & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]


__ Brahma, Vishnu, & Siva [Trimurti Pak]


__ Mawu/Olorun & Obatala [Vodun Loa Pak]


__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]


__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]


__ Satan


__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature


__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)


__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)


__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god




3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?


__ Yes __ No




If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:


__ Not eternal


__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos


__ Not omniscient


__ Not omnipotent


__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)


__ Permits sex outside of marriage


__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage


__ Makes mistakes


__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people


__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people


__ Looks after life other than that on Earth


__ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched


__ Requires burnt offerings


__ Requires virgin sacrifices




4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
Please check all that apply.


__ Indoctrinated by parents


__ Needed a reason to live


__ Indoctrinated by society


__ Needed focus in whom to despise


__ Needed focus in whom to love


__ Imaginary friend grew up


__ Hate to think for myself


__ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church


__ Fear of death


__ Wanted to upset parents


__ Wanted to please parents


__ Needed a day away from school or work


__ Desperate need for certainty


__ Like organ music


__ Need to feel morally superior


__ Stuff was falling out of the sky


__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it




5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.


__ Baal


__ The Almighty Money


__ Left Wing Liberalism


__ The Radical Right


__ Amon Ra


__ Beelzebub


__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur


__ The Great Spirit


__ The Great Pumpkin


__ The Sun


__ The Moon


__ The Force


__ Elvis


__ A burning shrub


__ Psychiatry


__ Other: ________________




6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
Please check all that apply.


__ Tarot


__ Lottery


__ Astrology


__ Television


__ Fortune cookies


__ Psychic Friends Network


__ Dianetics


__ Palmistry


__ Self-help books


__ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll


__ Biorhythms


__ Alcohol


__ Marijuana


__ Tea Leaves


__ Mantras


__ Crystals


__ Human sacrifice


__ Pyramids


__ Wandering around a desert


__ Insurance policies


__ Burning shrubbery


__ Other:_____________________


__ None




7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one below:


a. More Divine Intervention


b. Less Divine Intervention


c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right


d. Don't know.


e. What's Divine Intervention?




8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):


a. Disasters:


1 2 3 4 5 flood


1 2 3 4 5 famine


1 2 3 4 5 earthquake


1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts


1 2 3 4 5 pestilence


1 2 3 4 5 plague


1 2 3 4 5 Spam




b. Miracles:


1 2 3 4 5 rescues


1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions


1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny town & previously unknown hamlets


1 2 3 4 5 crying statues


1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine


1 2 3 4 5 walking on water


1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort


1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever




9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?


__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul


__ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money




10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?


(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
 
Revenge in the kitchen ...
.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
.
 
Greyson said:
Revenge in the kitchen ...
.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
.
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
How about some bumper stickers ...
.
car_sticker_4.jpg

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car_sticker_3.jpg

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car_sticker_2.jpg

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car_sticker_1.jpg
 
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
.
 


1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.



2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.




3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.



4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.




5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.




6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.




7. My best job was a Musician,


but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.



8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,

but didn't have any patience.




9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.
Tried hard but just didn't fit in.




10. I became a Professional Fisherman,
but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.




11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,
but the work was just too draining.




12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job..




13. After many years of trying to find steady work,
I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.




14. My last job was working in Starbucks,

but had to quit because it was the same old grind.




15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

AND I FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
 
A mature and well educated woman loved her veggie patch and particularly growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge bright red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, "Well, I know this will sound strange , but twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much Somebody else told me this and I don't know why but it seems to work”.

Well, the woman thanked the man and as she walks away she thinks to herself this is absolutely ridiculous but at the same time she is so impressed; she decides to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"



No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."


​
 
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
"Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 
[FONT=&quot]Malapropism is the act of using an incorrect word in place of one that is similar in pronunciation ........... always a hoot ...

Here are some examples of malapropisms made by well-known people:[/FONT]

  • "The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder." - Richard Daley, former mayor of Chicago
  • "He was a man of great statue." - Thomas Menino, mayor of Boston
  • "Texas has a lot of electrical votes." (electoral votes) - Yogi Berra
  • "Well, that was a cliff-dweller." (cliff-hanger) - Wes Westrum
  • "Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." (croutons) - Mike Smith
  • "It's got lots of installation." (insulation) - Mike Smith speaking about a new coat
  • "Create a little dysentery among the ranks." (dissension) - Christopher Moltisanti from "The Sopranos"
  • "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." (unparelled) - Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House
[FONT=&quot]These are examples of malapropisms spoken by Archie Bunker in "All in the Family":[/FONT]

  • "A witness shall not bear falsies against thy neighbor."
  • "The hookeries and massageries…the whole world is turning into a regular Sodom and Glocca Morra."
  • "Last will and tentacle…"
  • "Patience is a virgin." (virtue)
  • "A menstrual show." (minstrel)
  • "Buy one of them battery operated transvestite radios."
  • "A woman doctor is only good for women’s problems…like your groinocology."
  • "I ain’t a man of carnival instinctuals like you."
  • "Irene Lorenzo, Queen of the Women’s Lubrication Movement."
  • "In her elastic stockings, next to her very close veins."
  • "In closing, I’d like to say Molotov!" (Mazel Tov)
[FONT=&quot]These are examples of malapropisms made by former president George W. Bush:[/FONT]

  • "It will take time to restore chaos and order."
  • "The law I sign today directs new funds... to the task of collecting vital intelligence... on weapons of mass production."
  • "They have miscalculated me as a leader."
  • "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well."
  • "We need an energy bill that encourages consumption."
  • "We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile."
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
 
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