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Dockside59

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I am a widow. I have been dating a widow for 4 years. He has been asking me to move into his house. I know that it would be a huge mistake. He has a 35 year old son that has shown that he is entitled to his fathers stuff. Ex.Dad buys a new boat son says its great that I will inherit this beauty. The house is in desperate need of repair. I have said no for 2 years.

Last week boyfriend tells me that he told his son that maybe he would be moving in with me. The sons response was he wants the biggest TV and the new leather furniture. I flipped. I said I don't care what you want to give him. What I care about is the MAYBE. You haven't talked to me about this. Then he said well we will have to get a prenuptial agreement for I am not getting married. I told him that I think you are married to your son and you are going to give him everything...is he asking for this in writing. I have a beautiful house and a business. I am not broke by no means. He is worth more. In was expecting a ring and a proposal not a maybe with a sign here. What do you think.Please be honest.
 

I think you are right. He may very well be married to his son. Certainly his son has entitlement issues. If dad is so well off, why is his house in such a poor state of repair? Where is the money going? If you move in, will you be expected to cater to the

son's whims also? You are entitled to have your needs met, seems he wants his cake and eat it too. I would be very leery of walking away from your lovely home into what seems like a toxic environment with two selfish individuals in the picture. You deserve better.
 
I walked away and said I am not going to be treated this way. He has done everything in his power to let me know it was miscommunication. He said he would always be there for me..wants to talk tomorrow. Senior dating is rough when you try to take it to the next level. Has anyone had this predicament. Thanks in advance.
 
I would like to say He is a very loyal,loving guy. I thought getting married would get the recognition to his son. I was thinking selling both houses and buying one together. There would be a cohabitation agreement stating what was owned before and wishes if something should happen to end this relationship. Weather in separation or death. I am so confused for I have great feelings for him. I also have two grown children. They like him and ask why we live apart.
 
Dockside59 said:
I am a widow. I have been dating a widow for 4 years. He has been asking me to move into his house. I know that it would be a huge mistake. He has a 35 year old son that has shown that he is entitled to his fathers stuff. Ex.Dad buys a new boat son says its great that I will inherit this beauty. The house is in desperate need of repair. I have said no for 2 years.

Last week boyfriend tells me that he told his son that maybe he would be moving in with me. The sons response was he wants the biggest TV and the new leather furniture. I flipped. I said I don't care what you want to give him. What I care about is the MAYBE. You haven't talked to me about this. Then he said well we will have to get a prenuptial agreement for I am not getting married. I told him that I think you are married to your son and you are going to give him everything...is he asking for this in writing. I have a beautiful house and a business. I am not broke by no means. He is worth more. In was expecting a ring and a proposal not a maybe with a sign here. What do you think.Please be honest.
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Dating for four years and he's only asking that you move in? Why is is son recommending a prenuptial if there hasn't even been a proposal as Radish Rose pointed out? In my opinion, he should be completely focused on the two of you and your happiness only.

He needs to make a choice, and if he's not willing to put you first above everyone else, then I have to agree with all said here, don't ignore the red flags, and head for the hills....you DO deserve better than that. You should have a ring, a proposal (without conditions) and be the one in his life that matters most to him, if that's not the case, I'd book. You've already invested 4 years, how many more do you choose to waste?
 
Dockside59 said:
I would like to say He is a very loyal,loving guy. I thought getting married would get the recognition to his son. I was thinking selling both houses and buying one together. There would be a cohabitation agreement stating what was owned before and wishes if something should happen to end this relationship. Weather in separation or death. I am so confused for I have great feelings for him. I also have two grown children. They like him and ask why we live apart.
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He may be loyal and loving, but has a weird way of showing it, IMO. Your children are asking why you live apart, they are wise, looking out for their Mom and thinking clearly. Talk to them more, since they know him, they may have more valuable opinion for you that comes from the heart....good luck, you have some thinking to do and I'm glad you're asking for advice here. :)
 
First, welcome to our board, great group of people here. You said in your original post that your moving in with him would be a huge mistake. How could it then be so different and all that wonderful if he moved in with you? You know the situation first hand, and to say there would be a "huge mistake" indicates perhaps multiple issues. IMO, some of those same issues would probably still present themselves no matter where the 2 of you lived together. Three people in a relationship usually has a bad ending.

I know a good man is hard to find, especially as we get older, but I don't see much hope for this relationship as you've described it. I think you will regret it if you move in with him at either place at this point. I would say cut your losses and get out now. Both men have issues, perhaps even deal breaker issues, and I can see the 2 of them creating some very unhappy situations for you going forward. STAY STRONG! And, remember in most relationships the two of you WILL HAVE TO BE on the same page.

The problem is that apparently 3 want to be on the same page here, and that's just begging for trouble, and something I would avoid at all costs. s It's obvious that scenario will never work in your best interests. If you can possibly get 1 out of the picture somewhat, concentrate on your love relationship, sell your homes and move into a new home just for you two, it would be a good start. It's the best option you have if you decide to continue your relationship with this man.

Be very careful, it doesn't look good, as I certainly don't think it will be the healthy relationship you want it to be. But I wish you the best of luck. Why don't the 2 of you take a break about this for a short while and see if that helps? It seems to be stressing you a great deal and this deserves more time and thought for both you and the b/f. As it is now, that's not fair to you. Give it a break and maybe some concessions can be made on your boyfriend's end, some that are beneficial to you.

I wish you well....
 
It's your decision since only you know the whole story
but I can help you with clarity based on what you've shared:

Pros:

1. "he's very loyal and loving" - but has told you he doesn't want to marry you, EVER, and wants a written agreement for cohabitation in your lovely home because his house is in major disrepair, and told his son he's moving into your lovely home but didn't ask you first

2. "Kids like him" - but they don't understand why you're not living together after dating 4 years

3. "He's worth more money" - then why can't he fix all of his much needed home repairs and wants to use your "beautiful home" instead? Why doesn't he have a beautiful home of his own if he has more money than you? If he moves in, then charge him rent for $1200 a month at least and he pays all utilities including wi-fi and tv

4. "I have great feelings for him"...but you know he doesn't love you more than his self-centered son. are you being lied to? or used?

Cons:

1. You own your own business and he doesn't have a job

2. "plans to move into my house" - told his son but didn't ask you first - he doesn't respect you enough to even ask

3. "dating for 4 years" with no promise of love or marriage - no ring, no proposal - says he doesn't ever want to marry you

4. self-centered son is baggage. He will inherit everything and you get nothing if he dies

5. wants to use your house but wants a written cohabitation agreement to avoid commitments

6. "I know it would be a huge mistake to move in with him" - then why would you?

7. "I've said no for 2 years" - your intuition based on facts sounds right to me

8. He tells you he has more money than you but you have a lovely home and he has a house in major disrepair. If he has money why doesn't he hire someone to fix it up or buy a nice house?

9. Your instincts have told you "no" for 2 years

10. Warning: If you marry him, you will inherit his debt if he dies. I suspect he has debt. Get a lawyer to help you with anything you sign. Don't put your name on anything he buys. I would not get involved at all. Just stay friends if you want a friendship with him.
 
I would like to Thank you for helping me. I didn't want to move into his house for he built it 35 years ago and it is where the son grew up and his wife was sick for many years. I sold my house after my husband passed for I needed a clean slate without all the memories. I feel houses come with history and this is emotional. He is still working but will retire next year. I understand that having both of our affairs in order is a must. I am sure my children want there inheritance secured also. I get it. I don't see the difference of getting married and living together with a cohabitation agreement. Both are a commitment. My question is why. I am good enough to live with ...but not good enough to marry. He said if its the ring that I need he will buy me a friendship ring. Wow...I am now getting over the hurt. I will go listen to what he has to say tonight. I believe that two people need to be all in for a relationship to work.......not let's live together and play house as friends with benefits. Thank you again
 
Dockside59 said:
I would like to Thank you for helping me...I understand that having both of our affairs in order is a must. I am sure my children want there inheritance secured also. I get it.

I don't see the difference of getting married and living together with a cohabitation agreement. Both are a commitment. My question is why. I am good enough to live with ...but not good enough to marry. He said if its the ring that I need he will buy me a friendship ring. Wow...I am now getting over the hurt. I will go listen to what he has to say tonight. I believe that two people need to be all in for a relationship to work.......not let's live together and play house as friends with benefits. Thank you again
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I agree with you that if you both want your children to receive all of each parent's inheritance then that's good decision...BUT read my last paragraph below.

Next is a bit of confusion I see: First you say you don't see the difference between marriage and cohabitation because they are both a commitment. But then you state the difference saying, why am I not good enough for marriage. The level of commitment is the difference. Not only a commitment of "forever" but a legally protective document.

What if the man and his son both die in a car accident together? And say you've lived with this man for years and he has no other relatives. Without a marriage license and a will you and your children are out of the picture. The inheritance goes to the state probate department who then finds some far distant cousin who never new the man to receive it and the state takes a chunk of change themselves. You also lose your widow benefits such as the choice to choose his social security amount (if higher than yours). That difference in amount could be huge each month. I know. It happened to me. I'm so grateful to receive triple of what mine would have been...every month.
 
I am happy to say I came on here for an unbiased opinion and I am so glad that I have shared my predicament with you all. I am going to meet my bf tonight. I am on the fence weather I should show him all your responses. What do you think. Thank you for your help.
 
Sounds like you're still trying to get him to commit to marriage by showing him our responses. It won't work.

Even if he did marry you, the pre-nup would be airtight in favor of King Baby; the son. You will have to sign away your rights to anything.

There is a reason or reasons he doesn't want to marry and those reasons mean more to him than you do.

I know how painful this is for you and I am sorry he treats you this way. Better days are ahead, good luck.
 
Agree w/RR. OP, I don't know what you're trying to accomplish by showing him our responses or even by going to see him. I think you're hoping for him to change, but you're spinning your wheels. You can stay on the merry-go-round or jump off. I vote jump off. Best wishes to you.
 
Lara said:
I agree with you that if you both want your children to receive all of each parent's inheritance then that's good decision...BUT read my last paragraph below.

Next is a bit of confusion I see: First you say you don't see the difference between marriage and cohabitation because they are both a commitment. But then you state the difference saying, why am I not good enough for marriage. The level of commitment is the difference. Not only a commitment of "forever" but a legally protective document.

What if the man and his son both die in a car accident together? And say you've lived with this man for years and he has no other relatives. Without a marriage license and a will you and your children are out of the picture. The inheritance goes to the state probate department who then finds some far distant cousin who never new the man to receive it and the state takes a chunk of change themselves. You also lose your widow benefits such as the choice to choose his social security amount (if higher than yours). That difference in amount could be huge each month. I know. It happened to me. I'm so grateful to receive triple of what mine would have been...every month.
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This kind of law is very different in every state, so Dockside should check her state to see how it treats "cohabitation" and statutory marriage. Some states recognize common-law marriage and some do not. Some states are community property states and some are not. In my state a "cohabitation agreement" probably wouldn't have any effect at all because the law specifies how property would be divided between people who are not married, and it is treated no differently than property owned jointly between people who are not cohabiting, for instance brother and sister or two people who just own something together. Your property would still remain your property and his property would still remain his. If you really want to protect your assets, make a will and name one of your children as executor. I would save a whole lot of trouble in the end and could save your children a costly court battle.

I also would not sign anything this guy (or anybody, for that matter) presented to me without having it carefully reviewed by an attorney, and I would not take his word about how he thinks property might be divided absent the agreement, either. Check your own state's laws.
 
Dockside, if I were you, I'd run like hell from this guy (and his son). Just get out. He sure isn't treating you like a man would treat the woman he loves, and if you let him move into your house you might have one hell of a time getting him out of there.
 

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