How do you feel about asking for help?

fuzzybuddy

fuzzybuddy

SF VIP
Location
The Sticks, Northeast PA.
I've always been self reliant. Till, I had a stroke. Now, I need help. I have a kind neighbor, who offers. But I feel like I'm imposing on him. How do you feel about asking for help?
 

I understand exactly how you feel. I've had to quit driving and now need help with my transportation. But, I hate to ask anyone because I feel like I'm hindering them with their time, etc. There are some that tell me if I need them to call but I also know they would do it regardless of how bad they needed to be doing something else so it's still hard to ask them. You're not alone.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I've always been self reliant. Till, I had a stroke. Now, I need help. I have a kind neighbor, who offers. But I feel like I'm imposing on him. How do you feel about asking for help?
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AprilSun said:
I understand exactly how you feel. I've had to quit driving and now need help with my transportation. But, I hate to ask anyone because I feel like I'm hindering them with their time, etc. There are some that tell me if I need them to call but I also know they would do it regardless of how bad they needed to be doing something else so it's still hard to ask them. You're not alone.
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Limit your requests to emergencies. Do not impose because if you do, you will find that they will be very difficult to reach. Helpful people have limits.
 

Many times it is indeed hard to ask....The trouble , as I see it is two fold. If your friends are your age or older ? They likely don't really feel like it either. They are as tired & or having a bad day just like you. If you have younger friends ? They are likely just trying to live their own life, making plans / made plans, etc.

My only advise ? Ask only when absolutely necessary & be as tactful & understanding as you can be.

I wish you luck........wish you didn't need it.
 
It is hard but sometimes necessary. You could always give a small gift of appreciation, cake, bottle of wine or something. And if it is driving you somewhere of course you have to offer to pay for the gas.
 
It's not pride, that I'm reluctant to ask for help. I don't want to be a burden. I live in a semi-rural area. The things, which make life easy for city-shut-ins just aren't around here. Only ask in emergencies, well, who takes the trash to the curb every Friday? I can't. What do I do?
 
I've been independent for most of my life,its hard for me to ask for help once in awhile
My group of close friends know I don't drive{never felt comfortable behind the wheel}so whenever they ask if I need to go somewhere ,I usually say'no thanks' but lately I've taken them up on their offer.There is no way I can ever repay them,so I usually buy a gift card from a variety of places They always say'you didn't have to do this',it makes me feel good Sue
 
fuzzybuddy said:
It's not pride, that I'm reluctant to ask for help. I don't want to be a burden. I live in a semi-rural area. The things, which make life easy for city-shut-ins just aren't around here. Only ask in emergencies, well, who takes the trash to the curb every Friday? I can't. What do I do?
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Have you tried calling your county? Perhaps they have senior services, that you may not even be aware of ?
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I've always been self reliant. Till, I had a stroke. Now, I need help. I have a kind neighbor, who offers. But I feel like I'm imposing on him. How do you feel about asking for help?
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I was one of those "kind neighbors" for the past 4 or 5 years. I had a neighbor who had a stroke around Christmas 2013, and it was obvious that he needed some help...his nearest relatives were 300 miles away. Over the past 4+ years, he continued to slide slowly downhill. I checked on him every couple of days, took him to the doctor a few times, did some shopping for him, helped him with yard work, etc., etc. At no time did I ever feel that I was being "imposed" upon. He finally passed in January, and I kind of miss him. If you have a neighbor who is offering to help you, thank him, and accept his help graciously, try not to overburden him with every little chore, and build up a trust with him so you have someone to help when you really need it. Nearly everyone will reach a point where they need some help, and I hope that when my time comes, I am lucky enough to have someone close by if I need them.
 
I'm always willing to help others but I try never to ask for help.

I'm sure the day will come when I can't avoid it but until then I will scratch my head and figure out a way to deal with things on my own.

FB, Do you have any school age kids in your area that you could hire to haul out the trash, mow the lawn, shovel snow, etc... It would be worth a few bucks to have a tweenager on retainer.

See if Nextdoor.com operates in your area. I have it in my neighborhood, you can post your needs or answer ads from others offering services.

In my area we have two or three enterprising young kids that are always looking to do odd jobs.

https://nextdoor.com/

Good luck!
 
fuzzybuddy said:
It's not pride, that I'm reluctant to ask for help. I don't want to be a burden. I live in a semi-rural area. The things, which make life easy for city-shut-ins just aren't around here. Only ask in emergencies, well, who takes the trash to the curb every Friday? I can't. What do I do?
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Maybe you could hire a neighbor kid to do small tasks for you.
 
@Fuzzy (and also AprilSun)

You must be pro-active.

You both need to contact your local Dept. of Aging. There are lots of low cost/no-cost services available including home care, cleaning, shopping, transportation and many other services. If you use them you're not a "burden", you're a CLIENT. You can even set it up where someone will stop by at regular intervals to do things or take you shopping or to barbershop, hair salon, etc.

Call. Now. As taxpayers you have paid for this service. USE IT.
 
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Aunt Bea said:
FB, Do you have any school age kids in your area that you could hire to haul out the trash, mow the lawn, shovel snow, etc... It would be worth a few bucks to have a tweenager on retainer.


In my area we have two or three enterprising young kids that are always looking to do odd jobs.
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and there it is

I was wunna those kids, my kids were those kids, my grandkids are those kids

Hell, I live out as far from the populace as one should, still, there's kids around that help folks that can't
I've got a neighbor within a mile of our cabin, a veritable shut in. We've helped him when the snow was deep, but he has a kid on retainer for day to day chores he can no longer do.
The kid walks down the path near our cabin, from a mile the other way
Kids need money
We need kids
Sitting, chatting with these kids is also a perk....to both

I'd sure make that opportunity a priority
 
Most people, including me, have a hard time asking for help. It's difficult. My father reacted very badly to having Parkinson's disease. He deliberately drove away all of his friends and most of his family, because to be so physically/verbally disabled was humiliating.

Seniors like Lon and Applecruncher have the right idea. You need to be proactive in managing your affairs. If you have not yet appointed a Healthcare Durable Power of Attorney agent, DO IT NOW. If for any reason you become unable to articulate your wishes, by then it's too late for you to appoint someone.

The services offered by your local Area Agency on Aging (this is the full actual name of the government agency) vary from state to state, depending upon local funding. For this reason, never depend upon an Internet forum to give you specific advice about services you are/may be eligible for. If they live in a different state, their advice is well-meaning but will be useless to you. Applecruncher is right on target that we have paid our taxes, and this is what some of those taxes have paid for - services for seniors.

Also be aware that city, county, state, and Medicaid services fluctuate with every new budget passed. Programs begin, others stop or are modified, sponsoring organizations will change, etc. Don't ever think because you've started using a service, that it's "forever". It lasts only as long as somebody is willing to fund it.

It's not easy to "keep up" with what's available to the elderly and needy, but do try. New services might start up that can be even more helpful than what's currently available - but sometimes you have to know enough to ask, or have someone looking out for you.

Best of luck to everyone as we go forward into an uncertain new future.
 
Back before I had my hips replaced, I needed help. Hated to ask for it, but it was ask for help or do without. People were very kind in helping me out to get groceries, etc. I also always try to help others when they need it.
 
Mizzkitt said:
It is hard but sometimes necessary. You could always give a small gift of appreciation, cake, bottle of wine or something. And if it is driving you somewhere of course you have to offer to pay for the gas.
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What a great idea. I do stuff like this all the time and people really appreciate it.
Toomuchstuff said:
I hate asking for help. I know eventually I'll have to swallow my pride and accept help when my health fails.
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Me too:(
fuzzybuddy said:
It's not pride, that I'm reluctant to ask for help. I don't want to be a burden. I live in a semi-rural area. The things, which make life easy for city-shut-ins just aren't around here. Only ask in emergencies, well, who takes the trash to the curb every Friday? I can't. What do I do?
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I have to agree there. Rural country living has its pluses but it also has a downside.
i despise asking for help.
 
This is a most interesting thread. I have always been self sufficient, independent, a loner, etc. Wherever I have lived, I always tried to look after others and that was DOUBLE-PAID when they just said: "Thanks." - All I needed and then some. Now... I am still able to do most everything. Moved to this rural area ~~ 2 years ago and have made a point of getting to know all my nearby neighbors. Whenever they are doing something, I wander over and jokingly offer to supervise. Some have needed help: Jumper Cables - Starting that lawnmower, weed wacker, chainsaw, etc. I'm kinda good at that and they appreciate it with gifts from "The Beer Fairy" and dinner invitations.

Just trying to be a good neighbor and hope that when I do need help they will reciprocate.

The "Senior Services" in WV are far and few... WV is just poor. As others have mentioned, find your local resources and please DO TRUST THE KIDS! Most are compassionate and willing to help for e couple dollars or nothing at all. For every slacker there are 100 GOOD KIDS out there!
 
fuzzybuddy said:
I've always been self reliant. Till, I had a stroke. Now, I need help. I have a kind neighbor, who offers. But I feel like I'm imposing on him. How do you feel about asking for help?
Click to expand...

I'm sorry the stroke has limited your independence Fuzzy, but I'm glad you're doing okay considering, and you're not paralyzed or anything. My husband's father was half paralyzed, could no longer speak or do anything on his own, pretty much bedridden.

I rarely have had the need to ask for help, I always have my husband to help out if there's a problem. But, like you, I would feel as if I were imposing. You're very blessed to have a kind neighbor who offers to help, I'm glad to hear that. Like others have said, don't feel bad in asking your neighbor for help when you need it. I'm more than happy to help other people out and a simple thank you is payment enough.

But if you need real help with the trash, lawn or other chores, you have to pay someone to do it for you. Any chance of moving, where you're not in such a rural area and have more city options to make things easier for you? That would be the best thing, IMO.
 
applecruncher said:
@Fuzzy (and also AprilSun)

You must be pro-active.

You both need to contact your local Dept. of Aging. There are lots of low cost/no-cost services available including home care, cleaning, shopping, transportation and many other services. If you use them you're not a "burden", you're a CLIENT. You can even set it up where someone will stop by at regular intervals to do things or take you shopping or to barbershop, hair salon, etc.

Call. Now. As taxpayers you have paid for this service. USE IT.
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Excellent advice, Applecruncher! Friends, family, and neighbors may be willing to help, but everyone has a limit. It's not fair to them, either.
 
One great website is www.city-data.com. You can find your city and usually there they have a forum where you can ask questions from the locals and they can help you locate services or give recommendations etc. You're getting advice "from the horse's mouth'', from locals, not people from other areas. I find the website fascinating and have found out stuff about my city that I didn't even know, like what areas to avoid, good restaurants to try, even laws that pertain to that city. @Fuzzy, maybe you can look it up and ask questions for your local area, how to find help. On the other hand, I agree with SeaBreeze = "Any chance of moving, where you're not in such a rural area and have more city options to make things easier for you? That would be the best thing, IMO."
 
I'm much like Aunt Bea. I hate to ask for help but I love to offer it.

I have in-laws that live 2 hours away, on a good day, and I offer to help but rarely is it accepted. They love their wood heat, they have gas heat but love the wood heat. At 89 my mother in law will still drive their truck to the mill and pick up wood and bring it back and they then stack it in the garage. The garage is maybe 300ft from the house and they carry it back to the house. I have tried every time I'm there to stock the wood for them, but if you want to start an argument that is how you start it.

Because he has macular degeneration in advanced stages somethings he just can not do. They have a local center for aging that has a group of volunteer handymen, that have been qualified and verified. They call the center and a volunteer will show up, write a work order for the work that needs to get done and schedules one of the handymen to do it. Once complete a different volunteer shows up to review and make sure the person requesting the service is happy with the work. It's very above board and wonderful system that they have for the aged. There is absolutely no payment or cost to the requestor in any way. Materials, if needed, are normally donated either by one of the local big box home improvement stores or the center itself will purchase from donated funds. They also provide a bus shuttle service with ramps and lifts, etc. it's a wonderful system.

I don't know if such a system exists in your area, but it is certainly worth investigating.

Best Wishes...
 
fuzzybuddy said:
It's not pride, that I'm reluctant to ask for help. I don't want to be a burden. I live in a semi-rural area. The things, which make life easy for city-shut-ins just aren't around here. Only ask in emergencies, well, who takes the trash to the curb every Friday? I can't. What do I do?
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Fuzz, they sell trash compactors which will turn your trash into manageable size and weight, and you could call your town or county's senior services, as others here have already suggested, to discover what help is available in to the disabled in your area.
 

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