What do your children owe you?

R

Robusta

Member
Location
upstate New York
Anything, everything, nothing?
There are many threads from parents bemoaning the fact that their children ignore,mistreat,or abuse them.

I've a sister in law who has a beautiful home. Kind of like if Bob Villa and Martha Stewart had a baby. Back in the day when the ol man was still alive, they would come home from their jobs and put in another 40 to 60 hours of grounds care. He died, she got older, now it is way to much work. They have three adult children. To Alice's thinking they should all be lined up to eagerly do her landscaping. All three of her children have jobs,children,homes, of their own.

Her unrelenting demands on their time has caused a rift so bad that holidays are no more,she has lost her grandchildren, and there is little to no contact from any of the children.

I have tried to explain to her that she has no right to their time and that she needs to be grateful for the assistance they are able to give her. Unfortunately she is having none of it and considers herself a victim.


In reading other threads where mostly mothers are bemoaning lack of attention or attaching evil motives to actions of their children. Are the mothers overreaching, having expectations that are impractical.

The human psyche is a fragile thing, and mothers are probably the most influential aspect to the development.

The lack of a card gift or phone call does not have to mean that there is a broken relationship. Especially for sons. I am completely oblivious to birthdays, holidays and other dates of note. That is why I am married, so she can remember and take care of the minutia.

What is wrong with communication,?Ask what the problem is,listen without judgment and answer only after the flush of emotion has waned.

I think that many perceived problems between parents and children are not intentional and mostly a result of life getting in the way.
 

Robusta said:
I think that many perceived problems between parents and children are not intentional and mostly a result of life getting in the way.
Click to expand...

I agree!

During my working years, my mother and I had some ups and downs about me making appearances at family events, calling often enough, etc...

My mother never seemed to understand that a high-pressure job a couple hundred miles away from her had something to do with it.

One thing that helped to smooth out those rough spots was finally coming up with a mutually convenient time for a weekly call, ours was Saturday morning at 6:00 am.
 

Respect and patience...because, you know, in view of my advanced age:) Otherwise, absolutely nothing. I tried to raise them to be responsible and self-sufficient adults, considerate of others, and while it was dicey for a while, it looks like they learned something. Maybe it was life experience or maybe it was learned from me or maybe it was a combination of both.
 
Good question from a moral point of view. My parents like many others strongly thought that their children had
serious lifelong obligations to them. Obligations that would never be fulfilled, so matter how we tried. And they
minimized what they owed us: shelter, clothing, food. And that's all, they feel, they owe their children.
However, they are really only abiding by the law that requires these three basic obligations. (Laws don't require a nice home,
designer clothes, fancy food.)

My view is that you should give back to your parent(s) in kind, the extent that they lovingly gave to you.
If they gave you genuine love, emotional support and a nice standard of living, then there are obligations. If they badly mistreated you,
abused you, cheated you, then you owe them little or even nothing. But of course they will never agree with this.

Some parents who complain about their kids should think about this.
 
We maintain a strong....but "arms length" relationship with our kids and grandkids. We visit, or they come by every few weeks, and we exchange notes/phone calls on a fairly regular basis. We stay out of their lives, and offer "advice" only when or if they ask for our opinions. They...especially the Son-in-Laws...offer to come by and help with some of my chores....harvesting/splitting firewood, etc., but I never ask them for help...just tell them that if they feel like stopping by and doing some serious work, they are more than welcome. They know they can count on us if they have any problems, and we know they will be here if we need assistance....but we all avoid trying to "impose" on each other. They are all leading good responsible lives, and that is all that really counts.
 
Imagine what our lives would be like if our grown children treated us the way we treated them while they were growing up:

What that would mean for me is that I would have to forfeit my allowance a lot, be grounded for the rest of my life, not be allowed to make or receive phone calls or watch TV for days on end, be sent to bed early without dessert, get yelled at for things I didn't even do and *always* have to do *everything* while *nobody else* ever has to do anything. And eat stuff I hate. What's even worse is that I would "never" get to do what "everybody else" gets to do or go where they get to go. That whole parenting thing...we should have been warned that we were laying ourselves a minefield for old age:D​
 
My children owe me nothing and my responsibilities to them evaporated when they finished their education. My desire for them was that they would become responsible, independent adults and it was my intention to guide them to that end point.

However, we are a family and families help and support each other as needed. I do expect that as I become ever more frail that my children will have concern for my welfare and will take the necessary steps to see that I am provided for. My daughter has medical guardianship and power of attorney over my affairs and I trust her to do the right thing. She has had the example of my treatment of my mother, mother in law and maiden aunt to show her the way. I know that she will be there when I can no longer act or speak for myself.

Our daughter is very busy with her job as a Nurse Unit Manager and with a very extended family. She finds time for her husband's family and with four adult children finding their way in the world and no longer living in the family home, she has many demands on her time. Her eldest is on a disability pension because of an intellectual handicap and our daughter has extended her own mortgage to buy a home unit for the daughter so that she may learn to live as independent a life as possible and to be free of the rental market where predatory landlords/ladies are all to common.

We have an arrangement where we have dinner together once a fortnight (the other mother had the other week) and are invited to every family celebration that is going, and there are plenty of these. We all had lunch together for Mother's Day and before that a cemetery visit was capped off with lunch at a nearby club.

Our son lives in a rather distant country town with his partner who is mostly wheel chair bound. When he does come to Sydney it is to take her to see a specialist and they only stay one night because she is in a lot of pain and needs her own bed. Other than these infrequent visits we see them roughly once every 2 years when we make the trip south to stay for about a week. He rings just about once a week to see how we are doing and to have a talk.

We have three grandsons who will come over for a working bee when asked. They quite enjoy each other's company (our daughter has 1, son has 2 sons) and I make a nice lunch so that it is also a social occasion. I never get the feeling that they would rather not come.

Like Lon, I expect respect because I would find it an insult to everything I stand for if that was lacking. I know that I am well loved but love cannot be demanded. It can only be given freely.
 
My adult offspring owe me NOTHING. I would never impose on them. They have their families, their lives, and I have my own life to lead. If age reduces me to a state of infirmity, then I will not be around too long, afterwards, to bear that state of existence. I have zero desire to have others wait on me/take care of me.
 
It's a good thing I expect very little, because that's what I get. It's OK. It's not that we have a bad relationship....it's just that I have no relevance in my daughter's life. We live 20 miles apart and I'm lucky if I see her 3-4 times a year.

My sisters and I take excellent care of my mother. She gets monetary help on a regular basis and many, many visits. She gets taken on vacations. No holiday is ever forgotten.

I don't know where I went wrong or even IF I went wrong. Unfortunately, I'd have to say between 50-75% of my peers say the same about their kids.

It is what it is. I at least have my granddaughter who feels I have relevance in her life.
 
Our situation is similar to War's and we have a good relationship with my 3 sons and my 2 step-sons. My Mom understood we were busy and never demanded things and we are the same way.
 
We have never expected “our” kids ( both have kids from a previous marriage ) to do anything for us
When the day comes that we can’t manage our own home we will sell and downsize to a senior apartment
 
My son doesn't owe me anything, and I would never demand anything from him. Having said that, he does all sorts of things for me and is a wonderful guy of whom I am very proud. His work takes him all over the country but we stay in touch by e-mail, etc. It is a continuing wonder to me that, despite his busy and crazy life, he always finds time for me. When he's in town he always comes over and does things for me, even if I don't ask him to. I'm really very lucky to have him in my life.
 
There is no "owe" or "debt" created between parent and an adult child. There may or may not be a very strong bond, and that bond (if present) creates opportunities for the adult child to help the parent, or for the parent to help the adult child. But the help is done out of love, not out of obligation.
 

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