A man...was it me or him?

N

natty1433

New Member
So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.

He agreed and we exchanged numbers.

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time.

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question.

When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could. That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue.

The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago.

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.

Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated?

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone, lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him?

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a tit for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.

Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??

(He did ask me for a picture of myself)

We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???

I really feel hurt sad and depressed now. I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing, or just wave and don't stop??
 

natty1433 said:
So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.


He agreed and we exchanged numbers.

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time.

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question.




When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could. That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue.




The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago.

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.



Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated?

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone, lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him?

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a tit for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.


Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??


(He did ask me for a picture of myself)



We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???


I really feel hurt sad and depressed now. I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...



Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing, or just wave and don't stop??
Click to expand...
Wow!
Talk about someone that see the negative side of humanity. I thought I was the only one looking at the negative side of life.
Honestly, I think you need to look inward. Take stock on the positive side of who you are and what others see in you, not your self analysis is. We are always harder on ourselves than other are.

That is the problem today with relationships and why men stop trying. Good men, honest men, would rather give up than face the rejection time and time again.
If you keep on pushing him away, look at him like HE is the one trying to gain something, the relationship will fail (if it even starts).
Men are tired of proving themselves against all the assumed negative motives that women put on them.
Contrary to popular beliefs, there are alot of honest men out there just looking to spend time with someone that bring the two worlds together to grow a stronger bond together, rather than apart.

I'm sure he has seen many red flags as well, and at some point, men know when to stop. Not out of anger, but out of self preservation.
Men have feelings as well, and they can only take so much rejection before they walk away.
I hope you take the time to look inward and look at yourself differently and see yourself like others do. Your life and someone else's will be greatly enriched.
 

I wanted to comment in a separate post of an experience I've had twice in two relationships.

Two different women, same situation, and same response.
I was dating and we were enjoying ourselves and we had many discussions about self awareness and how we project ourselves to the 'world'.
At one point, we were relaxing on the living room floor, talking, looking up at the ceiling, when I looked over and said, "stop, don't move".
I got up and took my camera and snapped a picture.
When I showed it to her, I said, 'This is what people see'. She was shocked at the image she saw. It captured who she was, not what she was.
It was beautiful. But, its not what she saw when looking in the mirror. To her, it wasn't the same person.
We didn't stay together for the long haul, but she did open up more to other people, realizing she was more than what she saw in her reflection in the mirror.
Don't shut the door to others that find you interesting. You may be surprised that what you see in the mirror is not what others see.
 
Yeah, this is a tough one. There are arguments for both sides.

Even today, more often than not the guy is expected to make the first move. To work up to that most have to already be pretty motivated. So if things begin to move in a direction and then stall he might cut his losses and move on.

That's not to suggest any pressure for her to do anything she isn't ready for and might never be interested in anyway.
 
It sounds to me like maybe you wanted to be closer with/to him. If so, if you now where he lives, go see him, and express your true feelings. Being confused and frustrated will pass eventually if you want it too. It would be awkward at first passing him, but that too will pass. Hoping for the best for you. 🤗
 
Don't feel bad about not knowing what to do though.

See my own sad confessions of cluelessness here in the "Missed Romantic Opportunities Of Youth" thread. :ROFLMAO:
 
So how does it work if he decides to get back in touch several years from now? Would you immediately reject him because of what had occurred? Would he be a fool to try? Or would it feel even more suspicious?
 
DebraMae said:
IMHO someone who pressured you and dropped you when you did not give in to that pressure is probably someone you do not want in your life.
Click to expand...

It is pretty hard to argue with that. However there is a probably a reason this came up here in the first place.

These days I have a lot of inertia and "pressure" might not be the right word with it negative connotations. "Encouragement" sounds wrong, what might be the right word for creating incentives?
 
I am kind of in the same situation. I have never been married, so when I meet or run into a woman I don’t know and would like to know better, I will first try to develop a friendly relationship with her. It may take a few weeks or a month. When I think the timing is right, I will ask her for a night out or if she is uncomfortable with that, I am open to suggestions of doing something that she would prefer. I try to be flexible.

I have been turned down a few times, but I understand there are some women that try to be very cautious and sometimes even over-cautious. I have never reached out a second time, but have had the woman reach out to me and ask if this would be a good time to maybe meet for lunch. If that would happen today, I would have to say no because at this time, I am seeing a very lovely lady that has my attention. I don’t like having multiple relationships at the same time, but have done dating with a few different woman at the same time, but not on the same days, of course. I don’t like doing that either.
 
DebraMae said:
IMHO someone who pressured you and dropped you when you did not give in to that pressure is probably someone you do not want in your life.

Why do you say you are unfit? There are people out there who prey on those who have low self esteem.
Click to expand...
And this is why good men walk away.
He 'dropped' her because he realized there was too much drama. He did it out of self preservation.
 
I don't know. He barely knew her except in passing, then when they started communicating, all of a sudden he wanted a relationship and kept pushing that.

Seems a bit odd, but if it were me and I was interested, I'd look into it more. For all we know, the guy's lonely and looking for someone to spend time with.
 
Sippican said:
I wanted to comment in a separate post of an experience I've had twice in two relationships.

Two different women, same situation, and same response.
I was dating and we were enjoying ourselves and we had many discussions about self awareness and how we project ourselves to the 'world'.
At one point, we were relaxing on the living room floor, talking, looking up at the ceiling, when I looked over and said, "stop, don't move".
I got up and took my camera and snapped a picture.
When I showed it to her, I said, 'This is what people see'. She was shocked at the image she saw. It captured who she was, not what she was.
It was beautiful. But, its not what she saw when looking in the mirror. To her, it wasn't the same person.
We didn't stay together for the long haul, but she did open up more to other people, realizing she was more than what she saw in her reflection in the mirror.
Don't shut the door to others that find you interesting. You may be surprised that what you see in the mirror is not what others see.
Click to expand...
I think your two posts on this are pretty Insightful. I wouldn't add anything.
 
When I was dating anytime a woman advised me all they wanted was a friend, I was gone! My reason for dating was not to make friends, I had lots of friends some were lifelong friends. As an adult I knew I was searching for a future wife, not lady friends.

In time I did find my wife and she is still with me almost 53 years later. And yes, we are best friends and lovers. She was someone I was very attracted to when we started dating. Only later did we become best friends.
 
natty1433 said:
So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.

He agreed and we exchanged numbers.

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time.

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question.

When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could. That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue.

The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago.

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.

Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated?

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone, lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him?

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a tit for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.

Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??

(He did ask me for a picture of myself)

We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???

I really feel hurt sad and depressed now. I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing, or just wave and don't stop??
Click to expand...
@natty1433 , Don't let this person affect you, try to be in the better frame of mind that you were in before you and he started corresponding. It appears to me from what you've described that he is less-than forthcoming about his intentions, either because he is poor at communications...or that he is being deceptive.
Keep your eyes open, live your life, don't dwell on this, and be careful.
 


Back
Top