A question for the guys but ladies can also weigh in

L

LoveTulips

Senior Member
Location
British Columbia, Canada
I have and still do stuff for my husband without him asking. For example, vacuuming, making beds, laundry or picking up a favourite dessert at the store for him. He never says thank you. However, if he asks me to do something for him and I do it, he says thank you.

When I was much younger (40) and working, there was a young man working with me, he was about 19 maybe? Anyways, I would hear him on the phone (work phone landline )when he had a coffee break, and he would be arguing with his young girlfriend....well, actually, it sounded like she was the one upset, I could hear her voice, from where I sat, he was calm. So anyways, he gets off the phone, and tells me that his girlfriend is upset because she made breakfast for him and he didn't thank her at all.

So I said, why didn't you thank her? And he told me, because he didn't ask her to make breakfast for him. He says that she'll do stuff that he never asks her to do and then wants to be thanked for it.

Now, another example, my brothers, if you do something for them, they say thank you. And they are like that with their wives as well.

And another example, are women, well at least all the women I have met in my life. If I did something for a woman, helped her at work without her asking for help, I got a thank you. If I surprised my girlfriend with a coffee, she said thank you. I'm not saying all women are like this, but every woman that I have personally met.

So what do you think, say thank you for something you did not ask for or you don't have to thank the person.
 

Well for all his faults, my husband always said thank you for everything really, cooking dinner, ironing his clothes.. ... even when I drove both of us anywhere..me always being the designated driver.. he never failed to say thank you..I never asked for it or even expected it tbh.. but he always said thank you..
 
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Yes and no.

In your first sentence doing laundry, etc is just part of our everyday living and I wouldn’t expect several expressions of thank you. I don’t thank my husband for washing the windows or vacuuming, etc. It could go on all day. If he brought flowers as a personal gift to me or I gave him candy, then there’d be a thank you.

As suggested in a store or going to friends’ for dinner, there’d be a thank you.
 
“So I said, why didn't you thank her? And he told me, because he didn't ask her to make breakfast for him. He says that she'll do stuff that he never asks her to do and then wants to be thanked for it.”

Sadly, we often treat strangers better than we treat the people closest to us.

In these situations it’s not thank you for breakfast as much as it is thank you for thinking of me.

Appreciating the people in your life with a kind word is always appropriate but l’m not sure that we should expect it.

Relationships are complicated.
 
I've noticed recently that fast food workers seem to expect a 'thank-you' when they give you your order. I'm supposed to thank them for doing their job? They're supposed to thank me for my business. Without customers, they wouldn't have a job. Frickin' millennials.
 
Evaluation of human behavior is very complex due to the same a behavior having different motives. In other words, the evaluation of the favor depends on its intentions. Did the dude previously inform her that he doesn't like her making breakfast for him? If so, then why is she insisting? In short, not everyone does favors with the same intentions.

For example, some might maliciously do it in order to humiliate while feeling superior. You know, as camouflaged way of saying that they consider you old and decrepit.

Conversely:

There are certain people who respond to a polite "Thank you!" or a courteous, "Excuse me!" with an antagonizing gutturally gruff "Uh huh!" while arrogantly walking or strutting away without even an acknowledging glance. As if they thought that the polite person had been motivated by fear, and was desperately striving to stay on their good side. Or else they will choose to silently snub the polite person who says "Excuse me!" and proceed as if he or she didn't exist.
 
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LoveTulips said:
I have and still do stuff for my husband without him asking. For example, vacuuming, making beds, laundry or picking up a favourite dessert at the store for him. He never says thank you. However, if he asks me to do something for him and I do it, he says thank you.

When I was much younger (40) and working, there was a young man working with me, he was about 19 maybe? Anyways, I would hear him on the phone (work phone landline )when he had a coffee break, and he would be arguing with his young girlfriend....well, actually, it sounded like she was the one upset, I could hear her voice, from where I sat, he was calm. So anyways, he gets off the phone, and tells me that his girlfriend is upset because she made breakfast for him and he didn't thank her at all.

So I said, why didn't you thank her? And he told me, because he didn't ask her to make breakfast for him. He says that she'll do stuff that he never asks her to do and then wants to be thanked for it.

Now, another example, my brothers, if you do something for them, they say thank you. And they are like that with their wives as well.

And another example, are women, well at least all the women I have met in my life. If I did something for a woman, helped her at work without her asking for help, I got a thank you. If I surprised my girlfriend with a coffee, she said thank you. I'm not saying all women are like this, but every woman that I have personally met.

So what do you think, say thank you for something you did not ask for or you don't have to thank the person.
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If it feels right, then, yes, say thank you. lf it doesn't then don't. It shows appreciation even if the other person is a grump.
 
Jules said:
In your first sentence doing laundry, etc is just part of our everyday living and I wouldn’t expect several expressions of thank you. I don’t thank my husband for washing the windows or vacuuming, etc. It could go on all day. If he brought flowers as a personal gift to me or I gave him candy, then there’d be a thank you.
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This would be my answer as well. I never expected a thank you for things I always did as part of my daily routine. That would include laundry, cooking meals... same with vacuuming or making beds. I'm thinking (at least for me) it would get awkward fast being thanked every time I did laundry or cooked a meal.

Like others have said, it's different when out among others like dining out or shopping, etc. Thank you is always in order in those cases, but when I've fried an egg, washed socks, or dusted furniture? Nah! Except personal gifts or favors, sure, that would change it... then I'd hope I would get (and always have gotten) a sincere thank you.
 
HermitHogan said:
I've noticed recently that fast food workers seem to expect a 'thank-you' when they give you your order. I'm supposed to thank them for doing their job? They're supposed to thank me for my business. Without customers, they wouldn't have a job. Frickin' millennials.
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I say thank you to fast food workers getting my order whether it is a meal or just a coffee I think most people do.
Also to cashiers,bank tellers etc -

Just like most people do.

and most people say thank you to me when I do something at work - even though it is my job which I wouldn't have without them - makes a job more pleasant when people are courteous.
 
When I said to the checkout girl, "I'll bet you have a really nice smile... I can tell, so go on, share it with me", and then she smiled at me, I said, "Thank you, you have a lovely smile." 😊
Now, everytime I go into that store, I give her a smile and she gives me a smile.... and we thank each other. 😊
 
LoveTulips said:
So what do you think, say thank you for something you did not ask for or you don't have to thank the person.
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I say thank you when someone does something for me, whether I've asked them to do it or not. I don't expect to be thanked for every little thing I do. Fortunately, most of the men in my life have appreciated my efforts and have appropriately thanked me.
Radrook said:
Checkout counter cashier clerks will express various attitudes via cunning omissions of expected courtesies.
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Apparently, most employers haven't deemed it necessary to instruct their cashiers to say "thank you." After checking out and being told, “Here you go." or “Have a nice day." repeatedly, I no longer say, “Thank you” for spending my money in those establishments. They are supposed to thank me for my purchase. Sometimes I say, “You're welcome.” 🤨 At times, I've been irritated enough to say to the cashier, “Saying “here you go” or “have a nice day” is not an acceptable substitute for saying “Thank you” to the customer." Then they give me the deer in the headlights look :oops:, but still don't say, “Thank you.”

However, I'm often thanked for my purchases at local farmers markets. 🙂
 
Bella said:
Apparently, most employers haven't deemed it necessary to instruct their cashiers to say "thank you." After checking out and being told, “Here you go." or “Have a nice day." repeatedly, I no longer say, “Thank you” for spending my money in those establishments. They are supposed to thank me for my purchase. Sometimes I say, “You're welcome.” 🤨 At times, I've been irritated enough to say to the cashier, “Saying “here you go” or “have a nice day” is not an acceptable substitute for saying “Thank you” to the customer." Then they give me the deer in the headlights look :oops:, but still don't say, “Thank you.”
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That seems rather petty to me.

Most employers probably expect their staff to be polite and friendly - exact words they use don't really matter

If cashiers say something courteous in a friendly way, it is fine if it is Here you go, have a nice day, see you later etc - or thank you

Intention of all is the same so they are acceptable substitutes to me.

Certainly wouldn't feel irritated or feel any need to chastise them about it.

Courtesy works both ways.
 
My mother almost beat saying “please and thank you” into me. If you failed to render the expressions at the expected time, you would hear about it so intensively that you’d be driven to deliver them promptly the next time around!

Sadly, we appear to be living in an age in which common courtesy is increasingly uncommon. I guess that to some, saying such niceties places you into a submissive posture, and you are therefore weak, a wimp. “Winning by intimidation” seems to be the tenor of the times, and grace, respect, and courtesy towards others was not exactly modeled by a former chief executive.

But to me, thanking for any service rendered is part of being a gentleman...and being classy is so much better than being boorish, don’t ’ya think?

But Wednesday Addams is a special case… 🙀

 
I was raised to be courteous to all people, even those that aren't that way to me. Sometimes it is difficult, but I think it is still worth it.
When I first started seeing my wife she noticed this about me and told me that I maybe took it too far at times. She also told me that I had Da%n well better not change. She liked being appreciated for what she did and treated me the same way.
 
January said:
That seems rather petty to me.

Most employers probably expect their staff to be polite and friendly - exact words they use don't really matter

If cashiers say something courteous in a friendly way, it is fine if it is Here you go, have a nice day, see you later etc - or thank you

Intention of all is the same so they are acceptable substitutes to me.

Certainly wouldn't feel irritated or feel any need to chastise them about it.

Courtesy works both ways.
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What irritates people is subjective. If not being thanked repeatedly doesn't matter to you, that's fine. You wouldn't feel irritated or feel any need to chastise them about it, but it's perfectly acceptable for you to criticize me by calling me petty. So much for courtesy.
 

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