Aging parents. Depression? Something else?

J

JT72

New Member
My parents recently moved near me. I’ve lived 3,000 miles from them for the past 12 years. He’s 84 and she’s 78. It’s more my mother than my father...but she has zero interest in doing anything. Sits at home, sometimes all day in her pajamas doing nothing but watching 10-12 hours of TV. Anytime I try and suggest an outing (restaurant, sight seeing, a short walk, a short drive to a scenic overlook, anything)...she waves me off. My father is a little better and he will sometimes say he will go for a drive with me but the two of them are living such a sheltered, cocooned existence that I’m wondering if I should ask some uncomfortable questions. The only time they go out is for necessities (food, medication or doctor visit). That’s it. No external or “fun things“ are really considered. I don’t get it. There is zero interest to do anything that might be fun for them. All day, everyday. TV.

The other thing is both of them are constantly playing the “we are too old for that“ card. Won’t go swimming in their community pool. Too old for that. If I hear “old people can’t do that” once...I’ve heard it 500 times. Seems like a crutch excuse to me instead of saying they just can’t be bothered, which is probably the truth of it. I would understand if other active older people would shun them. Who wants to be around that attitude even if true.

I never remember them being this way. They used to travel all the time. Obviously they have slowed down with old age....but this hermit, recluse type existence is worrying me a bit. There seems to be ZERO desire to get up and go somewhere, anywhere that may offer some stimulation for them. My guess is if I ask they will tell me they are perfectly fine sitting at home. I don’t see it.

Is this normal behavior at their age? Just venting here a little as they are the nicest people....but I sense a lot of “give up” in their ways. My first thought for my mother is depression. My father seems ok but I think he feeds off a lot of her negativity and excuses the do nothing existence. They live in a senior (55 and older) complex....but have no interest in partaking in ANY of the clubhouse offerings (food days, bingo nights, coffee and cake, any social gathering, etc.)

I have a mind to tell them they need something other than TV, food store and doctor.
 

Welcome to SF. I want to start off by saying this: My parents spent their entire lives having to run around here, there and everywhere. Shuttling us kids everywhere plus their own things like jobs and errands. My parents both told me they were tired of having to run around all the time and they enjoyed being able to relax and stay home and do what they wanted.

You might take that into consideration before getting on them because they aren't going and doing what you think they should be. Maybe this is what they prefer. It's their life, they've lived it and now they have the right to finish living it the way they want.
 
Maybe the move has made them feel like round pegs trying to fit into square holes and they just don't have the energy or interest to create a new life in a new community. Maybe age infirmity and changes in health make them feel more comfortable/secure staying close to home.

I would encourage you to keep asking them to go on little outings and errands with you and accept it if they choose not to. Sometimes it's enough to be asked and know that someone is thinking of you.

I would find it tedious and annoying if someone felt the need to amuse me and constantly attempted to jolly me up. Make sure your parents understand what is available and that they have access to it then step back allow them to decide.

Good luck!
 

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Ok, thanks for the responses. Good to get various opinions....I still think they are sheltering in far too much and not getting any diversions but I’ll leave it be. Not much more I can do other than encourage them to get out a little more. The most important thing is health and happiness. General health overall is pretty good....I’m just not so sure on overall happiness.
 
JT72 said:
Ok, thanks for the responses. Good to get various opinions....I still think they are sheltering in far too much and not getting any diversions but I’ll leave it be. Not much more I can do other than encourage them to get out a little more. The most important thing is health and happiness. General health overall is pretty good....I’m just not so sure on overall happiness.
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Have you ever offered to take them anywhere?
 
It's easy to slip into a rut when there are no demands on our time. Do either of them use a computer, read, play cards or other games or otherwise keep their brains active. If a pet is not doable, do they have room for a couple of easy-care plants? It's something to have to care for but not be demanding.

Do you have friends who have parents about their age? Surreptitiously arrange a play date. A compatible couple might be easier than a large crowd of new people.

Or, for Mom, a friend who has a widowed mother. Say ... "I have a friend whose mother is very lonely. Would you be kind and go to lunch/movie/visit with her?"

Of course, there is nothing wrong with what they're doing if they are happy and healthy.
 
I’m 74 and I watch a lot of tv. I also garden, and play my computer game, occasionally get on ancestry.com. But it’s so much work to get up and go out and I tire easily due to health problems. Plus you got to wear the mask, remember to wash the hands, don’t touch the face etc.

I think you should just let them be who they now want to be. Couch potatoes, nothing wrong with couch potatoes. But keep taking dad for the occasional drive when he wants. You are a good son to be concerned and willing. Seems like they just want a simple stress free life.
 
We are 71 and 72. We haven't been nearly as active as we wanted to be, since moving back here to northern Colorado. The virus has cancelled a number of things we moved back here for. And now, the wildfire smoke smell is putting a halt to our local lake powerboating.

My wife loves having tv on and watching her favorite shows of Jeopardy, Wheel and AGT. There are also weekends we watch a lot of golf (PGA), when Tiger is playing. She grew up with two sisters and a brother and the home tv was always on. Just the reverse for me, since my high school years were on a farm in northeastern Indiana. Livestock, crops and very, very little tv.

However, we try, as much as possible, to keep busy. She loves her iPhone games and I do different things. We also have the Wii Game that can really come in handy for competition between us.

As far as the OP goes, there are active-to-very active Seniors and then there are those with some serious health problems that have to live their lives slow. Do your parents have any marital problems that can contribute to the way they are? Just wondering.
 
Thanks again for the responses. I guess I’m looking at it from my point of view and not theirs. Yes, they have iPad and they will use the internet. Maybe I just need to adjust to them and their ways.

There is a lot available for them to do and see...but I guess they are content at home. My mother is not the type to make friends. She’s friendly...but it’s just the two of them. I don’t see any desire to make friends. I would not push that either.

As it stands, I go over for visits, keep them company a couple times a week and they seem to enjoy that. I guess I’ll have to adjust to the idea that they could do so much more and enjoy some things outside of their “bubble”....but are seemingly ok just staying home.

thx.
 
Certainly doesn't sound like a "normal" way to live, but who am I to judge for someone else? I live in an active senior community, independent living but you have to be at least 55 to live here. We have swimming pools, tennis courts, a fully equipped gym, a theater that we perform in, a computer room, restaurants, libraries, constant games of bridge, mah jongg, etc., and on and on. Our political clubs are a force to be reckoned with; all the local candidates come here a to speak. And the community is built around a golf course.

Some of the most dedicated members of our ballroom dance club are in their 90's! Also, some of the tap dancers. And singers in our chorale. I suspect their their community is similar.

So no, the way your parents are living sounds very depressing and sad. But if they are not feeling sad about it, and are satisfied to be living that way, as others just said, it would be very difficult for you to change their patterns of living. Their insistence that they are "too old" to do anything you suggest makes me think they may feel like outsiders and are a little bit timid about making new friends. Maybe you could get them agree to go with you to the local senior center, to see lots of other people their age having a good time, and hopefully an activity or two that will interest them? (They can't say they are too old for a senior center!)

Or, could this just be fear of the coronavirus?
 
Also, JT72, I don't know where you are located, but coronavirus restrictions and mandates (and fears of catching the virus at their ages) may be behind part of what you are seeing. Here, there is not much social life for anyone, because of the coronavirus.

As others have said, if this is the way they are choosing to live, for whatever reason, and they are content in it, why try to make them change?
 
Sunny said:
Certainly doesn't sound like a "normal" way to live, but who am I to judge for someone else? I live in an active senior community, independent living but you have to be at least 55 to live here. We have swimming pools, tennis courts, a fully equipped gym, a theater that we perform in, a computer room, restaurants, libraries, constant games of bridge, mah jongg, etc., and on and on. Our political clubs are a force to be reckoned with; all the local candidates come here a to speak. And the community is built around a golf course.

Some of the most dedicated members of our ballroom dance club are in their 90's! Also, some of the tap dancers. And singers in our chorale. I suspect their their community is similar.

So no, the way your parents are living sounds very depressing and sad. But if they are not feeling sad about it, and are satisfied to be living that way, as others just said, it would be very difficult for you to change their patterns of living. Their insistence that they are "too old" to do anything you suggest makes me think they may feel like outsiders and are a little bit timid about making new friends. Maybe you could get them agree to go with you to the local senior center, to see lots of other people their age having a good time, and hopefully an activity or two that will interest them? (They can't say they are too old for a senior center!)

Or, could this just be fear of the coronavirus?
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Well, your way of living does not sound “normal” to me, 😂. Too busy. Different strokes for different folks. I live in a single dwelling house in a neighborhood with lots of elderly people, as far as I can tell. Most stay home inside their houses and occasionally wave at me when I work in the yard. Or I see them when I take them veggies from the garden.

Library still closed as are the senior centers. Our senior centers are very inactive, btw, been to a lot of them for lunch. I suppose it might be different in a senior apartment complex, but I’ve visited them here and they don’t seem very active either.

We recently decided not to travel anymore, too much work. 😂 And too much risk.
 
JT72 said:
Thanks again for the responses. I guess I’m looking at it from my point of view and not theirs. Yes, they have iPad and they will use the internet. Maybe I just need to adjust to them and their ways.

There is a lot available for them to do and see...but I guess they are content at home. My mother is not the type to make friends. She’s friendly...but it’s just the two of them. I don’t see any desire to make friends. I would not push that either.

As it stands, I go over for visits, keep them company a couple times a week and they seem to enjoy that. I guess I’ll have to adjust to the idea that they could do so much more and enjoy some things outside of their “bubble”....but are seemingly ok just staying home.

thx.
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You are adjusting well and fast. That’s a good attitude to have. I can completely understand your initial concern though. They are doing what they want to do, how they want to do it and ad long as they aren’t hurting others or are a danger to themselves, all is well. ( in my opinion )
 
JT72 said:
My parents recently moved near me. I’ve lived 3,000 miles from them for the past 12 years. He’s 84 and she’s 78. It’s more my mother than my father...but she has zero interest in doing anything. Sits at home, sometimes all day in her pajamas doing nothing but watching 10-12 hours of TV. Anytime I try and suggest an outing (restaurant, sight seeing, a short walk, a short drive to a scenic overlook, anything)...she waves me off. My father is a little better and he will sometimes say he will go for a drive with me but the two of them are living such a sheltered, cocooned existence that I’m wondering if I should ask some uncomfortable questions. The only time they go out is for necessities (food, medication or doctor visit). That’s it. No external or “fun things“ are really considered. I don’t get it. There is zero interest to do anything that might be fun for them. All day, everyday. TV.

The other thing is both of them are constantly playing the “we are too old for that“ card. Won’t go swimming in their community pool. Too old for that. If I hear “old people can’t do that” once...I’ve heard it 500 times. Seems like a crutch excuse to me instead of saying they just can’t be bothered, which is probably the truth of it. I would understand if other active older people would shun them. Who wants to be around that attitude even if true.

I never remember them being this way. They used to travel all the time. Obviously they have slowed down with old age....but this hermit, recluse type existence is worrying me a bit. There seems to be ZERO desire to get up and go somewhere, anywhere that may offer some stimulation for them. My guess is if I ask they will tell me they are perfectly fine sitting at home. I don’t see it.

Is this normal behavior at their age? Just venting here a little as they are the nicest people....but I sense a lot of “give up” in their ways. My first thought for my mother is depression. My father seems ok but I think he feeds off a lot of her negativity and excuses the do nothing existence. They live in a senior (55 and older) complex....but have no interest in partaking in ANY of the clubhouse offerings (food days, bingo nights, coffee and cake, any social gathering, etc.)

I have a mind to tell them they need something other than TV, food store and doctor.
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I would say, maybe we don't know what it's like cause we aren't "there yet". I work as a volunteer at a senior center, 8 years. I am the young senior there. I could not understand several matters about these seniors ! One lady was so bitter and had a mouth!!!! Well, she lived during an era that made me understand, anyone would be that way living through that! Until you know what it's like when they go back home and what they deal with alone, you won't understand. Being alone, lost all of your family members and holidays aren't the same, dealing with constant pain/cancer and its treatments, etc. Understanding and being a vessel of positive input into their lives is what I am all about. As long as they are happy, comfortable, etc. . you being there on occasion means they have a visitor and a pleasant one at that. You are concerned and that is good. Be happy for them and visit them. Stay in touch.
 
I understand you wanting to get your parents up and active. It would probably be much better for their health. The sayings "set in their ways" and "you can take a (horse) to water but can't make him drink" came about for a reason. It's possible that during the time you were away from your parents, they slowed down, got comfortable with that and have allowed sedentary to be their norm. Also, with the advent of COVID, perhaps they are leery about going out amongst other people...rightly so. And there's no way on God's green earth you would get me in a community pool now. Didn't really want to get in one before the virus hit.

I also wonder if they are dealing with aches and pains or balance issues that make them apprehensive about going out and about. Sometimes it's hard to admit that frailties have hit us and to show that vulnerability. At least your father will go with you sometimes. Was your mother always a home body or was she more active prior to the 12 years you hadn't seen each other?
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I understand you wanting to get your parents up and active. It would probably be much better for their health. The sayings "set in their ways" and "you can take a (horse) to water but can't make him drink" came about for a reason. It's possible that during the time you were away from your parents, they slowed down, got comfortable with that and have allowed sedentary to be their norm.
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Well, I was beginning to question if I was getting it wrong.

Update today....decided to try and do a little coaxing.

She is suffering anxiety....which in my view is really depression or is just a convenient word she wants to use that sounds less harsh than depression.

Will have to see how to address it going forward. She’s not one to go see and talk to a doctor. At this point it’s not only mental health but she said today it is causing some physical health issues (dermatitis, imbalance).

I probably should have trusted my instincts and addressed this earlier. There’s just no way for me to believe her behavior in total was normal behavior. Reclusiveness, pajamas all day, no desire to even get out a little, see people, talk a walk, get the damn mail, experience anything, etc, etc.

My father is likely enabling her as well with his excuses. She’s tired. It’s hot. Old age. All valid....under normal circumstances but obviously he’s looking for a reason other than mental health.

She is also lamenting loss of friends and family...which i found odd. She had no friends but one who lived 100+ miles away and she only got together once a year. There was no entertaining or social life either....so I’m not really understanding what she means....and she expressed zero desire to see family, so I have no clue what she’s talking about. The only rational thing I can come up with based on her words is she is lamenting the loss of dead friends and family....not living.

I’ll have more later on.....but obviously there is more going on here than just basic old age. Obviously, the pandemic issues certainly won’t help trying to get her help.
 
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Butterfly said:
Also, JT72, I don't know where you are located, but coronavirus restrictions and mandates (and fears of catching the virus at their ages) may be behind part of what you are seeing. Here, there is not much social life for anyone, because of the coronavirus.

As others have said, if this is the way they are choosing to live, for whatever reason, and they are content in it, why try to make them change?
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Exactly what I was thinking.
 
Butterfly said:
Also, JT72, I don't know where you are located, but coronavirus restrictions and mandates (and fears of catching the virus at their ages) may be behind part of what you are seeing. Here, there is not much social life for anyone, because of the coronavirus.

As others have said, if this is the way they are choosing to live, for whatever reason, and they are content in it, why try to make them change?
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Valid under normal circumstances...but that ain’t it. Whatever Social life she had, which was minimal back then....is non existent now. There’s no interest. Covid could clear out tomorrow....she’s not leaving the apartment.

My father will attempt. He will go to the clubhouse (when it finally opens after covid) and talk to people. He will get the mail, say hello to people. Take a walk. I’m not worried about him. My guess is he knows there is a problem and laying it off on old age is his excuse for her.

My mother has no interest. She’s shuttered. It is depression and has to be addressed. This is not normal old age stuff anymore. As stated, covid restrictions throw a giant problem into the mix right now. I'm going to invite them over tomorrow for an easy lunch, no stress, stay as long or short as you want....but let’s get you out.
 
JT72 said:
Well, I was beginning to question if I was getting it wrong.

Update today....decided to try and do a little coaxing.

She is suffering anxiety....which in my view is really depression or is just a convenient word she wants to use that sounds less harsh than depression.

Will have to see how to address it going forward. She’s not one to go see and talk to a doctor. At this point it’s not only mental health but she said today it is causing some physical health issues (dermatitis, imbalance).

I probably should have trusted my instincts and addressed this earlier. There’s just no way for me to believe her behavior in total was normal behavior. Reclusiveness, pajamas all day, no desire to even get out a little, see people, talk a walk, get the damn mail, experience anything, etc, etc.

My father is likely enabling her as well with his excuses. She’s tired. It’s hot. Old age. All valid....under normal circumstances but obviously he’s looking for a reason other than mental health.

She is also lamenting loss of friends and family...which i found odd. She had no friends but one who lived 100+ miles away and she only got together once a year. There was no entertaining or social life either....so I’m not really understanding what she means....and she expressed zero desire to see family, so I have no clue what she’s talking about. The only rational thing I can come up with based on her words is she is lamenting the loss of dead friends and family....not living.

I’ll have more later on.....but obviously there is more going on here than just basic old age. Obviously, the pandemic issues certainly won’t help trying to get her help.
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Have you talked to your doctor/health advisor about what to do? Really declining health decisions. But, then they are not facing it, you might say.
 
The same scenario happened to my late in-laws. He was active, but she became anti-social in her latter years. She would, however, go out with us. All other social interactions ceased .. bridge with friends, church group, etc. I'm not sure if it was embarrassment due to her debilitating osteo-arthritis which caused her fingers and toes to be bent. She always cared about her personal grooming, and went to the hairdresser .. bought a new hat or outfit, though she stayed at home.
 
JT72 said:
My parents recently moved near me. I’ve lived 3,000 miles from them for the past 12 years. He’s 84 and she’s 78. It’s more my mother than my father...but she has zero interest in doing anything. Sits at home, sometimes all day in her pajamas doing nothing but watching 10-12 hours of TV. Anytime I try and suggest an outing (restaurant, sight seeing, a short walk, a short drive to a scenic overlook, anything)...she waves me off. My father is a little better and he will sometimes say he will go for a drive with me but the two of them are living such a sheltered, cocooned existence that I’m wondering if I should ask some uncomfortable questions. The only time they go out is for necessities (food, medication or doctor visit). That’s it. No external or “fun things“ are really considered. I don’t get it. There is zero interest to do anything that might be fun for them. All day, everyday. TV.

The other thing is both of them are constantly playing the “we are too old for that“ card. Won’t go swimming in their community pool. Too old for that. If I hear “old people can’t do that” once...I’ve heard it 500 times. Seems like a crutch excuse to me instead of saying they just can’t be bothered, which is probably the truth of it. I would understand if other active older people would shun them. Who wants to be around that attitude even if true.

I never remember them being this way. They used to travel all the time. Obviously they have slowed down with old age....but this hermit, recluse type existence is worrying me a bit. There seems to be ZERO desire to get up and go somewhere, anywhere that may offer some stimulation for them. My guess is if I ask they will tell me they are perfectly fine sitting at home. I don’t see it.

Is this normal behavior at their age? Just venting here a little as they are the nicest people....but I sense a lot of “give up” in their ways. My first thought for my mother is depression. My father seems ok but I think he feeds off a lot of her negativity and excuses the do nothing existence. They live in a senior (55 and older) complex....but have no interest in partaking in ANY of the clubhouse offerings (food days, bingo nights, coffee and cake, any social gathering, etc.)

I have a mind to tell them they need something other than TV, food store and doctor.
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Main thing, keep checking in on them, taking them out if they want to, etc. Seniors just don't want to sometimes. That is sad, and not well understood, but, sometimes, they just want to do the necessities and no more. On the other hand, there are seniors who no longer have visitors like grandkids, children come over and have fun visits. Kinda like no more family coming over. That is bad and sad too. NOt saying that is what you do, but there are a lot of things that happen in a seniors' life and just make the best of it, stay positive, and encouraging. You checking in on them is so good.
 

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