An On Going Journey In Texas

Oh Ina, it's a very odd human trait..you never see people from one month to the next, or maybe one year to another, yet when a person dies, everyone demands that they are given the right to a big send off regardless of the strain or stress it may be for the loved ones left behind.

Just try and remember that these people loved Michael and you in their own way and this is the only way they can show it...let them have their goodbyes now, and let those who are your immediate family and support network concentrate on you ...and you will get through honey, you really will.
 

Ina, my thoughts are with you, big big hug this morning. I'm recalling when this happened to me four years ago, the thing that helped me more than anything was to stay busy. The pain will always be there but it does get less painful with time, as Vivjen said, just keep going and take very good care of yourself.
 
Sending you lots of warm thoughts and love today Ina. :glittered:


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Ina said:
Well, The Creator decided To give me another day, and the world is still just outside my window. At least the day is rainy, dark, and oh so cold, which is very much the way I feel right now.

I spent much of yesterday at the funeral home getting things in motion for my Michael. He was an organ donor, and he is to be cremated, so there will not be a viewing. But there is to be a memorial service. Michael .was a Marine, and had asked for a military service, but they have cut back on so many veteran services, and that is one of them, unless he was to be buried in military grounds. They do still provide a flag, and I will be purchasing a shadow box for it.

I wonder about the human race's ability to ignore a person while alive, but they still expect a memorial service. It is the last physical thing I can do for my lifelong companion. I do dread the day when there is no more I can do for him. Michael did make my life worth living. Today is the fourth day without him.

On one hand, I wish I could stop thinking about everything, but on the other hand, I dread the day when I don't.
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Ina, maybe a member from a local veteran's group could attend the service and participate in some way? You are stronger than you think. You will get through it all. - Jim
 
Hello diary,

I was feeling wierd, so I went to the Dr. this morning. My blood presure was up pretty hing, 196/120. He gave me something to help bring it down.

Michael's memorial is set for 2:00pm on the Jan. 14th.
We are still waiting for the Dr. to sign off on the death certificate.

Thank you Jim for you advice, It seems VA might send two Marines out for the memorial.

I guess I'm at the point that I'm just deeply sad.

I found Michael hand written will. We talked a lot about what we wanted done with our personal belongings, and I guess he made a list so I didn't have to remember it all.

He left our tracktor, gasoline generator/welder with trailer, the closed 10 x 12 trailer, the new heavy duty zero turn lawn mower with a flat bed trailer, and two heavy duty gasoline weed eaters with electric starters, several long folding tabels with 30 folding chairs, to the newly orgonized Neighborhood center. Of course they were happy to get the stuff, and then they enformed me that the center will be doing my yard work for as long as I need it.

He was such a thoughtful man.
 
So many decisions to make. My Michael loved for me to wear white or pastel colors. I told our neighbor and paster this, and he said I needed to wear something dark. I did have a dark brown dress that I have never worn, but when I went to look for it, I could not find it anywhere. So I was going to have to buy something. Then my pastor's wife told her husband that if I wanted to wear white to honor my Michael, then he needed to back down. So I will be wearing a white dress at his memorial service.

I don't think my Creator will mind.
 
I am sure he won't Ina; I wore a black dress with a bright yellow jacket to Viv's; whatever you feel most comfortable in....
 
Thank you Vivjen and April,
It does make me feel better to hear both of you saying to honor Michael's memory. He never asked much of me, but he did request that I wear white or light pastels way back in the 60's.

When my mind tries to overwhelm me, I do come to SF to relieve my anxiety for a little while. I might not post much for awhile, but I do see many days alone ahead of me, so I'll try to catch up on everyone then. I wish to thank all of you for being here for me. :wave:
 
Just remember; no more than 2 phone calls a day; don't forget to eat at least one meal a day; any offer of help that you get; accept....you need and deserve it.
 
God Bless Michael for being so generous as to leave those things to a worthy group-and God Bless them for making sure that your yard is taken care of. This is how our world is supposed to work.

Wear whatever you feel best in-and it sounds like wearing white or a pastel is what Michael would have wanted. I`m sure it is somewhat regional,but here in California,it is becoming less and less common for people to wear all black or dark colors. Actually,even "funeral services" are pretty much being replaced by "Celebrations of Life". I like that-no matter how devastating losing a loved one is,it`s wonderful to celebrate their lives and the fact that we had them in our lives for whatever time we had.

Big (((HUGS))) to you,Ina.
 
Hi Ina, sounds like you and Mike have talked this all out before. You will find peace in making every decision you come to. Personally I think you shouldn't skip too many meals. Try to have some quite time with Ina. :) - Jim
 
There's no rules Ina, wear the palest pastel or white, whatever you and Michael would have liked. Take good care of yourself now, and love yourself, I'm sure that's what your hubby would have wanted. I agree with Meanderer, some 'me' time is deserved and needed. Love and hugs. :love_heart:
 
Ina, my heart aches for you. Even though I'm fairly new on this forum and didn't know you well, I am so sorry for what you are going through -- such a devastating blow. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Please do try to eat, even when you don't want to, and lean on friends and family during this so painful time.
 
Well I'm finally getting thing under control. Michael's memorial service is set for Wednesday the 14th, at 2:00pm. He was a Life Gift doner, and his VA doctor has not signed off on his death certificate yet. But I'm in no hurry, I'm still talking to him.

I was going crazy because his phone was beeping at me every five minutes. It would jar me awake two or three times a night. He had been arguing with AT&T for the last three months because our bill was way over the normal $85.00. I went to an AT&T distributor, and showed them our last three bills, and asked them why. A sweet young woman helped me for over an hour, and I recieved a $550. refund, and my bill is back at $85. I had thought I broke Michael's phone trying to work it, but she said the phone had died on the same day he did. I sure wish he would call me. Why else take his phone with him?

When I left AT&T I went next door to the Starbucks, and I purchased the young lady's next five mocca, carmel, and whipped cream coffee. She deserved it for the way she argued my case with billing department. Hope she doesn't gain too much weight from those super sweet drinks.

I told a neighbor that I would be selling the four bedroom, two bath, two car garage house, next door to me. She brought her son and his family over to see if I was willing to sell it. It is in my name, and I want to keep this old log cabin, since it is our home, and it is paid for. There is a two story 7500x500 metal barn, and a 10x14 hen house on the property I am going to sell.
I sure hope they buy it.
 
Sounds like you're taking care of business Ina, I admire you for handling all these details and problems on your own. Great that you were reimbursed by AT&T, nice to get that straightened out and get a refund, good for you! I'll be thinking of you next Wednesday during Michael's memorial. :girl_hug:
 
You will talk to Michael for months...if not years; I did.
i shouted, ranted, raved, got angry, everything.....so keep on....
 
All of you are sweet friends. I guess one of the first things I realized was that the world wasn't going to stop, and let me off. And niether can I stop my thoughts, so it is easier to get busy, that way i don't have to think as much. I have three more days before the memorial service.

Today I went to one of Houston's largest malls to get my hair styled. A girl took me to wash my hair, and then she turned me over to a stylist. This lady was 56, I asked her to give a style that wound suit my face. In short time she was done, the cost $72.00. It looks the same as it did before, except for the trim. I asked her what about the styling? She said the way it was, was the right style.

I walk around the mall for a couple hours. Being someplace where no one knew me was refreshing. I didn't have to talk to anyone about my how my life is. That was a releaf.
 
Good Morning from over the pond to lovely Ina

You know what Honey, you can post here if and when you feel up to it or not at all, all of us who have known you all the time you've been here have your back, and know that you will come to us if you need us, or just to randomly post your thoughts. We know mostly you may not feel like replying and that's absolutely ok, but we know you'll read it when you can, there's no pressure here to talk about anything or answer any questions...you can just do what you want to whenever you feel like doing it.

As for wearing white in Michaels' memory that is the absolute right thing to do, you're there for Michael not for the pastor and Michael will be proud of you from wherever he's watching you .
 
Thank you Holly,
I know you are right, I've told you ladies and gentlemen more about myself than anyone. I know much of it was shocking, and most people would not have revealed such personal details, but after so many years of holding it in, it was a great relief.
 
Ina, I'd have posted here before but believe it or not, I had no idea this little section was even here! (Remember Teacher telling us "Read the whole thing first before proceeding"?)

I understand how hard this is for you, but once Michael's service is over and the hubbub has calmed down, it isn't any less painful, just easier to bear. My husband died on the 17th of January, but the memorial service wasn't until February 7. The time in between was, for lack of a better word, vapor. Not like real life at all. It wasn't until the service was over and we'd all really said goodbye that I felt like time was moving again.

Remember the good times, the best times, the triumphs and most especially the love you shared.

Believe me when I tell you that there are many of us on SF who really do understand the feeling of loss and emptiness.
 

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