Anyone feel like their family only cares about their money?

Not my children. No. They both realize possessions are meaningless.
Money is meaningless, except to care for basic needs.

I've noticed the rest of the world though is interested only in money and the outward material possessions.
Their senses seem to be preoccupied with the joy of their objects.
Nothing in the field of gross creation is so wonderful that it satisfies the thirst for happiness of the mind
so they are continually searching.
 

PenelopePlum said:
I have. They know about my feelings on saving for a rainy day, paying bills on time, and living within their means. They were raised right. But their pride, hypersensitivity and bad temper prevents me from saying anything now. It wouldn’t be wise as long as I’m living under the same roof. I’m seriously thinking about moving out and living on my own again. I thought I was going to feel more secure, and enjoy a good, close relationship in my elder years, but it’s not turning out that way. It’s rough out there for a senior citizen on a fixed income and extremely limited means, but this is starting to feel rougher. 🙁
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This situation is causing you a lot of stress, Penelope. Instead of appreciating what you do for them, they feel entitled to more than you're comfortable giving. You're worried about offending them while they're taking advantage of you. It also sounds like you're a little afraid of them. As long as you live under their roof, you will be subject to their desires.

If you can move to a senior complex of some kind, do so. Don't mention it to them now. Do some research on your own. Just be prepared for the kids to be pissed off and ask questions about why you want to move and to try to talk you out of it. They'll feel threatened by your moving out because they'll have less control. They might also withdraw their help if you need it and simply wait for your demise so they can collect. None of this is pleasant, but you need to do what's best for you. You're not happy. Do you want to live the rest of your life under their thumbs and walk on eggshells? They are adults and should be able to take care of themselves without running to Mommy to bail them out and getting mad if she doesn't. It's time for them to grow up.

I hope you can figure it out.
 
Knight said:
Is the arrangement due to need on your part or are you able to live independently which will be the way for you to control what you are experiencing?
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Good question. I think I can still live independently and I want to be more independent than I can be around my daughter. She wants to control all my decisions, large and small, and I think it’s because she wants control of all my money. I talked to her this morning and told her I think I need to be more independent at this stage of my life and offered to move out. She has a bf she wants to move in. So I may be moving out this spring if she can convince him to move in. He seems to me to be a commitment phobe so we’ll see.
 
@Bella and @PenelopePlum How many times can I like this? @Bella You are absolutely giving good advice, and @PenelopePlum please think hard about what she's said.

In my hometown, there's a complex that's really nice and owned by the city. The apartments are spacious with plenty of storage, and rents are subsidized so the most that's paid by residents is 30% of their income. Utilities and basic cable are included in the rent. There are common rooms, group activities for those who want to participate, a barber shop/hair salon, a library, laundry, and a bus to fetch and carry residents to local shopping/supermarkets.

Do you have a car or access to public transit or some kind of ride sharing? If not, maybe try to find a senior complex where there's dedicated bus service for the residents.

If you decide that living in a place of your own is the way to go, do your research and don't mention it until you've actually made a decision and been accepted.

It's something I wish I'd done years ago when DH died. I spent much too much time "thinking" about it and waffling until one day it dawned on me that I waited too long.
 
PenelopePlum said:
Good question. I think I can still live independently and I want to be more independent than I can be around my daughter. She wants to control all my decisions, large and small, and I think it’s because she wants control of all my money. I talked to her this morning and told her I think I need to be more independent at this stage of my life and offered to move out. She has a bf she wants to move in. So I may be moving out this spring if she can convince him to move in. He seems to me to be a commitment phobe so we’ll see.
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Can she not afford the apartment without sharing rent with someone else?

Because if he doesn't want to move in, what position does that leave you in?

Plus, what @Georgiagranny said.
 
@PenelopePlum And all the above said, what I call The Hovel is a granny flat attached to DD/DSIL's house. I have a separate entrance, and it's a self-contained apartment (kitchen, bath, sitting room, bedroom and even a walk-in closet)...tiny, but separate from their living space. But it's not the same as actually living on my own. They don't ask for $$ or anything like that, it's just...I dunno...not feeling like *my* home even though it was my money that built it. Hard to explain.
 
John cycling said:
It does appear that way though, especially for something so useless, at least to me as I would never do such a thing.
In a situation such as yours it would seem important to show that you're not willing to toss money away.
Perhaps they're having a bad influence on you. In any case, the living situation does not seem like a good place for you.
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Uselessness is in the eye of the beholder. I would have loved for my mother to do something so thoughtful for me as to give me something to remember her by, something I could pass on to the next generation. But she didn’t. She left me with no mementos of her at all.
I provide an example of living plainly and not extravagantly. It was an expensive gift for me in my situation, but not really expensive to most people. It was intended to be a special once in a lifetime gift.

But you’re right, it’s not a good place for me as I had hoped. Sad, but there it is. I’ve been dealing with efforts to pry information about my income out of me all day. They feel entitled to know everything about my personal finances. I never agreed to that when I moved in. I feel it is best for me to move out. This is too stressful for me.
 
charry said:
My step sons only care and help their mother , (my husbands ex wife) because she has always thrown money at them , ive not even had them ask me if I need help with their father since his stroke ….
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I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s such a bad feeling to know your love for your children has little or no value. At least, that’s how I’m feeling. I’m a caregiver also, to an adult child with a disability. It’s hard work and can be quite draining. My heart goes out to you.
 
@PenelopePlum You need some hugs!🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 and a good comeback to their intrusive questions about your finances. If I had the words, I'd share, but since I'm never asked, I haven't had to think of any.

In any case, please please please feel free to come here and vent. And to share your progress in your hunt for a place to live independently.
 
HoneyNut said:
It doesn't sound like a nice situation, what are your options if you move out?
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Well, with the current rental situation it will be back to the world of substandard housing, high rents and deposits, and difficult landlords I’m afraid. But if I feel safe and secure in my home. What I crave is the peace of controlling my own environment, and not being harassed.
 
NorthernLight said:
My daughter is much better off than I am. No problems there.

As for the other ... I have a relative who has kindly let me know that her home is my home. I have stayed with her, for months or years at a time. I paid my share of expenses.

Meanwhile, she had a spending problem. She would tell sob stories about not affording necessities. People at church (and others) gave her lots of money. Then she'd come home and show me the new dress she'd bought.

She tried pulling the same thing on me: "I'm going to need your help with my meds." (Or phone bill, or whatever.) I simply told her I couldn't give her more than the amount we'd agreed on. Which was true. Anyway, she seemed to accept it and didn't ask again.

Your situation sounds a bit more problematic. Or maybe you're feeling conflicted and have trouble saying no.

Good luck figuring it out!
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That sounds very unpleasant and familiar. In the beginning it was “let me help you” but then it became clear they are looking for help with maintaining a certain lifestyle beyond their means. At times they are downright abusive, and say very hurtful things. I feel under constant threat of some sort.
 
Georgiagranny said:
@PenelopePlum You need some hugs!🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 and a good comeback to their intrusive questions about your finances. If I had the words, I'd share, but since I'm never asked, I haven't had to think of any.

In any case, please please please feel free to come here and vent. And to share your progress in your hunt for a place to live independently.
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Thank you so much for your kind words. It does help to vent. I was tossing and turning all night. I have no peace here.
 
it is a hard think to think about, but your money is yours. That does not mean you have to give it to them when you are alive or when you die. An ironclad will is sometimes needed. I have set things up so that my grandchildren have funds available for college. I paid for the son to go to college when all his friends had to take out loans that will take years to pay off. Most of these friends parents had more money than I did. You have to decide who gets the money and what it will be used for.

Their education is important to me. The funds will be available for a few years after they graduate from high school. If they choose not to get a degree the money will be redirected to others. Don't just talk about it but set up the legal way for your money to be used. We did not work this hard, go without just to let it be wasted on silly things.

In my case, I want it to be used for education, down payments on a home etc..my son has learned by example to be thoughtful about money. Even now, I give a gift of my help by buying groceries or paying for an experience for his family. I do not give cash, if I see a need, I take care of it but I am not just giving cash. I want to make sure it is being used in a way that is appropriate.
 
Remy said:
Would you prefer your own apartment? Are they available in your area based on your income?

I have access to my stepfather's dwelling (mobile in a park but newer) and bank accounts when he dies. Or if he goes into a nursing home, assets will all go there. But my brother was obsessed with my stepfather's mid 60's Ford pickup. Couln't wait to get it and my stepfather finally gave it to him. Now it sits in the elements in Virginia while my brother works out of the country. I had hoped that truck could go to a real enthuisiest some day but no my brother has it thinking it would make him happy and of coarse it can't.
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Yes, this is a comfortable home in a convenient location, but my peace of mind is more important to me. Apartments aren’t very affordable here, so where I live won’t be nearly as nice when I move out. I realize this, but just don’t feel emotionally comfortable here enough to make it worthwhile. Your story reminds me I had a sibling who stole all of my father’s tools and equipment from my mother when my father died, and then tried to rob their share of the estate from his siblings when my mother died. So I’m familiar with how ugly people can get with family over money. It’s a sad reality. Heartbreaking when it’s your children.
 
Pepper said:
So your disabled child lives with you at your daughter's?
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I am my adult child’s caregiver. Have been for 25 years, and will be for the rest of my life. That is why my income is so limited at this point in my life. I was limited in the kind of jobs I could take, and unable to put aside enough for a comfortable retirement. I provide the care for my disabled child though, my other children haven’t had to do anything in that regard and have showed no interest in helping. Basically my disabled child is viewed only as a burden by the rest of the family, unfortunately. I hear a lot of snide and hurtful comments. I had hoped an appreciation for him as a person would grow with time, but I no longer think that is going to happen sadly.
 
PenelopePlum said:
Yes, this is a comfortable home in a convenient location, but my peace of mind is more important to me. Apartments aren’t very affordable here, so where I live won’t be nearly as nice when I move out. I realize this, but just don’t feel emotionally comfortable here enough to make it worthwhile.
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When things get complicated, I remind myself that my peace of mind (or sanity, or whatever you want to call it) is of utmost importance -- to me. Each of us has to decide for ourselves.

Last year, I had to make a hard decision and move 1000 miles away from a place that I loved, just to afford an apartment where I could close and lock the door. (This had nothing to do with my family situation though.)
 
bowmore said:
Not here. I am blessed that my family is very grateful for what ever I am doing for them. I am paying for my granddaughter's nursing school, as well as tuition for both of my grandsons.
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That’s great, it must feel wonderful to be able to help out in that way.
 
@PenelopePlum Believe me when I tell you that it doesn't have to be substandard housing and wicked landlords! Do your due diligence! Google is your friend. You can hunt up senior housing in your area. There are probably waiting lists, but my experience has been that if an apartment is offered and that person declines for whatever reason, their name goes back down to the bottom of the list, meaning that the waiting list can move along at a pretty good clip.

It also helps to talk to someone from your area's council on aging or whatever is the equivalent where you are and establish a "relationship" with them, even if only on the phone or via email.

I understand the need for peace. We all deserve it all the time, but most especially at this late stage of our lives.
 

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