Anyone feel like their family only cares about their money?

Kika said:
My son and DIL have been after me to move in with them since I retired almost 4 years ago. DILs mother lived with them for about 5-6 years before she passed away.

I cannot see myself giving up my independence, so the compromise is, I am moving closer to them (30 miles away) very soon.

I love them both, as well as my grandchildren and I'm sure they feel the same about me. But given that there is no immediate need for me to not live alone, I am not giving that up.

They don't ask me for money, and really spend too much buying things for me.
If they expected me to help financially, I would move even further away from them.
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Lucky and wise!
 

PenelopePlum said:
I am my adult child’s caregiver. Have been for 25 years, and will be for the rest of my life. That is why my income is so limited at this point in my life. I was limited in the kind of jobs I could take, and unable to put aside enough for a comfortable retirement. I provide the care for my disabled child though, my other children haven’t had to do anything in that regard and have showed no interest in helping. Basically my disabled child is viewed only as a burden by the rest of the family, unfortunately. I hear a lot of snide and hurtful comments. I had hoped an appreciation for him as a person would grow with time, but I no longer think that is going to happen sadly.
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There you have it, your answer. You have this child that must be taken care of even if you are gone. Time to see an attorney, do the will, make sure this child does not suffer or go without after your death. To me, all your children should accept this decision. It breaks my heart that they can not accept or know the brother has to be taken care off. Since the siblings have never stepped up to help, you can't leave it to them to do the right thing. Make sure anything you have is set up in a trust to care for him.
 
Kika said:
@PenelopePlum - How long have you lived where you are now?
Was there an event that necessitated you moving there.
I'm guessing that it might have been to save expenses for both of you.
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I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.
 

PenelopePlum said:
I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.
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Time to leave.. !!
 
NorthernLight said:
When things get complicated, I remind myself that my peace of mind (or sanity, or whatever you want to call it) is of utmost importance -- to me. Each of us has to decide for ourselves.

Last year, I had to make a hard decision and move 1000 miles away from a place that I loved, just to afford an apartment where I could close and lock the door. (This had nothing to do with my family situation though.)
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Glad you were able to do that. Peace of mind is priceless and worth great sacrifice. You don’t realize it until you’ve lost it. I am unable to move 1000 miles away due to my disabled son’s needs. I’m his caregiver and need to stay in the area. Otherwise, I would have moved away by now. It’s very expensive here.
 
Blessed said:
it is a hard think to think about, but your money is yours. That does not mean you have to give it to them when you are alive or when you die. An ironclad will is sometimes needed. I have set things up so that my grandchildren have funds available for college. I paid for the son to go to college when all his friends had to take out loans that will take years to pay off. Most of these friends parents had more money than I did. You have to decide who gets the money and what it will be used for.

Their education is important to me. The funds will be available for a few years after they graduate from high school. If they choose not to get a degree the money will be redirected to others. Don't just talk about it but set up the legal way for your money to be used. We did not work this hard, go without just to let it be wasted on silly things.

In my case, I want it to be used for education, down payments on a home etc..my son has learned by example to be thoughtful about money. Even now, I give a gift of my help by buying groceries or paying for an experience for his family. I do not give cash, if I see a need, I take care of it but I am not just giving cash. I want to make sure it is being used in a way that is appropriate.
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That makes sense. And that’s what’s so disturbing about what’s going on here. Who “helps” an elderly relative on a fixed income by taking their money when you don’t even really need it just to waste it on nonsense? Doesn’t make sense to me. That doesn’t feel like “helping” to me, it feels like helping yourself. I feel like I’ve been sucked into a whirlwind and I just want to get out of it. I don’t want to be connected financially in any way to what looks like a train wreck in the making.
 
Georgiagranny said:
@PenelopePlum Believe me when I tell you that it doesn't have to be substandard housing and wicked landlords! Do your due diligence! Google is your friend. You can hunt up senior housing in your area. There are probably waiting lists, but my experience has been that if an apartment is offered and that person declines for whatever reason, their name goes back down to the bottom of the list, meaning that the waiting list can move along at a pretty good clip.

It also helps to talk to someone from your area's council on aging or whatever is the equivalent where you are and establish a "relationship" with them, even if only on the phone or via email.

I understand the need for peace. We all deserve it all the time, but most especially at this late stage of our lives.
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Affordable housing is in such great demand here now that no one is even accepting applications for waiting lists. It really is bad here right now, and that’s why I allowed myself to be talked into this. But I’ll have to do what I have to do.
 
PenelopePlum said:
I was convinced we could get a nicer place to share than we can afford apart. The problem is, yes it’s a nice place, but I have to keep everything I own in one small bedroom. I even have to store food in there. It’s very inconvenient and frustrating. I wasn’t even allowed to have a storage shed in the huge back yard for my own things. They’ve staked out everything else as their territory. All the closets, garage, family room, living room, dining room, office, laundry room, even the full bathroom are is off limits. I can only use the 3/4 bathroom. Basically I’m treated like I’m an unwelcome guest. I can sit in the living room when they’re not around, but if they’re in the house they act like I don’t have the right to be there for example. If I’m watching a tv show when they come home they’ll interrupt. (Interestingly it is my tv.) If I leave anything at all in any of these shared spaces it will turn up missing or damaged. I did not expect to be treated with such disrespect or I never would have moved in.
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I've experienced all this. Yes, it's bad.

I hope you can figure something out. Sometimes a miracle happens. Also, reaching out (as you've done here) is good. Someone might have an idea, or know somebody ... Please beware of do-gooders and rescuer types though.
 
PenelopePlum said:
Yes, I’m afraid you’re right. I’m going to try to find something in the spring. Very disheartening to be treated this way by those I love most in the world, but it is what it is.
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I absolutely agree.. and it won't get better with time it will get worse I'm sure of it..I've actually witnessed this myself in my own family
 
NorthernLight said:
I've experienced all this. Yes, it's bad.

I hope you can figure something out. Sometimes a miracle happens. Also, reaching out (as you've done here) is good. Someone might have an idea, or know somebody ... Please beware of do-gooders and rescuer types though.
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I’m sorry to hear you experienced this, but I must confess it’s nice not to feel like the Lone Ranger. I hope you’re in a good situation now. I know just what you mean by the rescuers. I used to work in nonprofits and I swear there’s often more greed to be found there than anywhere else! I am praying every day for God’s divine providence. Thank you.
 
hollydolly said:
I absolutely agree.. and it won't get better with time it will get worse I'm sure of it..I've actually witnessed this myself in my own family
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I’m sorry to hear that. Such a shame. Yes, I’ve noticed a ramping up of frequency of explosions of temper and unreasonable demands. I’ve told them I plan to move out by May 1st. Hopefully they won’t harass me until then. If they do I may have to leave sooner.
 
PenelopePlum said:
I’m sorry to hear that. Such a shame. Yes, I’ve noticed a ramping up of frequency of explosions of temper and unreasonable demands. I’ve told them I plan to move out by May 1st. Hopefully they won’t harass me until then. If they do I may have to leave sooner.
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you might find that they'll play the charm card as the time gets closer for you to leave and they realise your serious and they're about to lose income.. don't fall for it..
 
Blessed said:
There you have it, your answer. You have this child that must be taken care of even if you are gone. Time to see an attorney, do the will, make sure this child does not suffer or go without after your death. To me, all your children should accept this decision. It breaks my heart that they can not accept or know the brother has to be taken care off. Since the siblings have never stepped up to help, you can't leave it to them to do the right thing. Make sure anything you have is set up in a trust to care for him.
Click to expand...
Yes, that’s the only thing about this experience that is actually good. At least I know now what I can expect from them as far as the future care of their disabled family member goes. Talk is cheap, it’s what people actually do that is telling. And who knows, maybe when I don’t stand for their bad behavior they will learn something from it. I can hope anyway.
 
hollydolly said:
you might find that they'll play the charm card as the time gets closer for you to leave and they realise your serious and they're about to lose income.. don't fall for it..
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Actually that happened last summer. Don’t think that’s going to work again. I’m very wary now.
 
Maybe not right for you, but ... Have you considered housesitting or light caretaking? A couple of years ago I met a man (already retired) who had spent most of his working life caretaking second homes, seasonal resorts, etc. He said he lived in luxury, got paid, and did very little work. Having done hard jobs for minimum wage for most of my life, I was filled with regret!
 
PenelopePlum said:
Yes, that’s the only thing about this experience that is actually good. At least I know now what I can expect from them as far as the future care of their disabled family member goes. Talk is cheap, it’s what people actually do that is telling. And who knows, maybe when I don’t stand for their bad behavior they will learn something from it. I can hope anyway.
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I would not take the chance that the others would step up and do the right thing. If they are all about money now, they will be the same in the future!
 
NorthernLight said:
Maybe not right for you, but ... Have you considered housesitting or light caretaking? A couple of years ago I met a man (already retired) who had spent most of his working life caretaking second homes, seasonal resorts, etc. He said he lived in luxury, got paid, and did very little work. Having done hard jobs for minimum wage for most of my life, I was filled with regret!
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Yeah, I couldn’t handle the heavy maintenance chores involved in addition to the caregiving chores I’m already getting challenged by. Sounds like a great opportunity for some though.
 
My ex-husband was chronically unemployed so when our two daughters were in college, I helped as much as I could with their tuition, books and other expenses. I didn't want them to finish college saddled with a lot of debt and thankfully they didn't. Both went on to good careers and then got married and had children. My ex-husband (their father) did nothing to help them financially. I then gave each daughter a nice sum of money as their inheritance from me with the understanding that this could be all they get. They've never asked me for any additional money. However, if they did, I would help them. But my situation is much different than yours @PenelopePlum. I'd feel suspicious, too, if I were in your situation.
 

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