Are nice people taken advantage of?

R

Rose65

Well-known Member
Location
United Kingdom
Elderly friend of mine confided that she is very worried about her neighbour whom she's known a long time. Only now she's often wandering around in the street, confused and distressed. She's invited her in and realised she is showing signs of dementia. She wonders what to do for her, perhaps take her to the doctor's.
Well, I asked for more information and it turns out this woman has two children who just don't visit her.
I've advised my friend not to get too involved but to alert the family. It is up to them, not the neighbours, to handle this surely?

I may seem hard but I have experience. A while back a woman I was friendly with became similar, only she kept falling down and needing to be taken to hospital. Guess who got landed with it! I alerted her family but for whatever reasons they were estranged and just let me take the brunt. Other neighbours would bring her to me. I eventually put my foot down and became unavailable, after many hours waiting at hospital with her. She was just not really my problem and my life had become utterly disrupted. Her family never did step up and now she's in a nursing home.

Have you ever found yourself in such a dilemma, retired yourself and feeling obliged to help people whose families just refuse? I mean even if an elderly frail person is all alone, it is a matter for social services and doctors. Decisions need making that neighbours, even friends, just cannot make.
 

If it had been me I would've just called an ambulance. The hospitals will often try to find a better situation for a patient if they can't care for themselves and there's no help from family. I've heard them tell patients they are being taken to a nursing home so let the state deal with it. JMO
 
You went above and beyond. I could not do that for a neighbor. I'd call 911, ambulance or something if I noted someone in distress. But I'd never get involved. At least the woman is now in a nursing home and getting care.
 

MarciKS said:
If it had been me I would've just called an ambulance. The hospitals will often try to find a better situation for a patient if they can't care for themselves and there's no help from family. I've heard them tell patients they are being taken to a nursing home so let the state deal with it. JMO
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Believe this or not, but nursing homes can discharge people to homeless shelters. It's egregious. Usually after they get the rehab money out of them.
 
It can be very sad, but unwise as a neighbour to get too involved, however well intentioned. Best to keep appropriate boundaries. If the person's family will not look after their own elderly, then the state will. Someone with dementia or with physical frailty will quickly become very hard to manage and need professional care and big decisions need to be made.
 
I have helped friends stay in their homes for a few years and it was a ton of work. I wouldn’t do it for a neighbor. In the specific case you mentioned I would contact aging services and they will send a social worker to investigate.
 
Rose65 said:
If the person's family will not look after their own elderly, then the state will.
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In some states--maybe Ohio or Oregon if memory serves--if the state will only take in (to a skilled nursing facility) elderly who have no family who can take them in; it's actual law. There was a case a few years back, either Ohio or Oregon I think, where a 30ish year old single mother had her elderly father (whom she didn't even realize was still alive let alone living in her city) literally dropped off on her doorstep in his wheelchair by the state since it was the law that if the elderly person has family with a roof over their head, that's where they go since so many of these states are broke.
 
chic said:
I'd help if I could. I wouldn't turn away, that's for sure, whether or not that's the wisest thing to do in the circumstances.
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I love that reply @chic

If you can.....

The good Samaritan took the wounded guy to an Inn
and paid for his lodging

If one is financially fit, then, well, it may be the thing to do

As a Christian, I feel the need to help most often
...and I do
But
There's a thing called stewardship
And I pay attention to it
I never overextend myself to the point of turning me into a charity case
But
If I'm blessed with an abundance, then I know no better way to use those proceeds but for the good of my neighbor
 
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True story.

I used to attend a writers group in VA. It was run by a reasonably elderly lady, and a group of 12 or so of us met each week.

At one meeting the lady announced that she had met a guy on the street who had nowhere to go, and she had let him move in to her spare room. It was a lovely show of caring and going beyond.

A month later we all arrived at the writers meeting, but our leader was absent. She had been murdered. The guy she had let in was schizophrenic, and he had stabbed her to death. No-one knew why.

You have to be ever vigilant, and while caring and helping is great, it pays to have boundaries that favor your own health.
 
Rose65 said:
It can be very sad, but unwise as a neighbour to get too involved, however well intentioned. Best to keep appropriate boundaries. If the person's family will not look after their own elderly, then the state will. Someone with dementia or with physical frailty will quickly become very hard to manage and need professional care and big decisions need to be made.
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This is so true. Dr. Phil has been saying for years that no good deed goes unpunished. And to prove this he has horror stories of people doing good deeds for friends, neighbors, relatives and foster children who have stolen from them,. attacked them, lied about them., and generally caused grief and chaos in their lives.
 
TabbyAnn said:
This is so true. Dr. Phil has been saying for years that no good deed goes unpunished. And to prove this he has horror stories of people doing good deeds for friends, neighbors, relatives and foster children who have stolen from them,. attacked them, lied about them., and generally caused grief and chaos in their lives.
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Sad but true. I mind my own business these days. I also follow the army saying - never volunteer!
 
They can be if they allow it to happen. A friend of mine used to say "Don't take my kindness for weakness" when he complained about relatives who he felt were trying to take advantage of him. Boundaries must be recognized and set. The word "No" comes in handy. And guilt should not be a motivator for enabling someone. I'm speaking from experience.
 
I know what it is like to be taken advantage of, and it is hurtful and often expensive, when you want to help someone. But I have become far more aware of the fact that I had allowed myself to be in that position, because I try to be nice to everyone.

And still am, but as someone here said, niceness can be interpreted as weakness.

This happens to widows a lot, and I am sure ,to widowers as well, or to anyone living alone.

I am much better at establishing boundaries now.
 
I have helped many people through out the years and I don’t regret any of it. Having good boundaries is important. Imagine what a horrible world it would be if people just cared about themselves. Ugh!!
 
Rose65 said:
I mean even if an elderly frail person is all alone, it is a matter for social services and doctors. Decisions need making that neighbours, even friends, just cannot make.
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I agree, I think it would be best in a situation like that to call the local Adult Protective Services.
 

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