fuzzybuddy
SF VIP
You do know that no matter what you do............................. You have to do what we all do-muddle through, as best we can.
Blending the extended family - I seriously need advice
- Thread starter GuardianAngelof4
- Start date
Myquest55
Member
- Location
- Happily in MAINE
You are letting them all push you around. Stop trying to please EVERYone - it cannot be done. GF crossed the line - snooped where she shouldn't have - she owes YOU an appology and your son should be in your corner! I agree, you may have to wait for the grandkids to step away from their parents - they are not babies any more. But, for now but you can let them know - you will always be there to encourage them or listen. You do not have to change your ways - they should be falling all over themselves to please you - not the other way around. This is not your problem. You have already gone out of your way to be the best. Time for them to step up.
Treat it like a peanut allergy, if any of the children were allergic to peanuts all peanuts would be removed from the house. If one child can not have a soda, then none of the children can have a soda. I agree you should stop trying to please everyone, as in the adults.
I think you should make your rules as to how the children will be treated when you have them and simplify what you do. Which means, to me, if child A can not have soda, no soda for any child. If child B can only watch tv for an hour, then all the children only watch tv for an hour. And on down the line.
This is how it is done in school. The children are used to rules and everyone is mostly treated the same. Your “job” as a grandparent is to love everyone, no special treatment for anyone (as much as possible), and enjoy your time with the kids.
I remember a foster child I had was extremely jealous of my third son who was waited on hand and foot. My third son has quad cerebral palsy and is total care. So, I let the foster son be totally disabled for a day, even offered to put him in a diaper which he refused
.My son stayed in bed, foster son was wheelchair bound. My son could not speak at this time either so foster son had to remain silent. By lunch he decided he would rather not be disabled. But a deal is a deal, he was disabled all day, and he was jealous no more.
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
She's accused you of being fake and insincere. IMO, it's time to see how well she handles complete honesty.
I suggest you have an "open" conversation with her, tell her exactly how you feel (unless you feel homicidal; keep that one to yourself). Let her know you feel violated, and it might be quite a while before you feel you can to trust her (if that's the case). Tell her you DON'T feel the same connection with her kids, but that you were building one until she read your mail and lessened your opinion of her (in your own words). Tell her she needs to let your relationship with her kids develop naturally, that it can't be rushed. TELL her she's overly sensitive and annoying and self-absorbed (or whatever adjectives you choose; those were mine).
Let her read your original post! Hell, let her read all of these posts, she'll see a pattern.
I suggest you have an "open" conversation with her, tell her exactly how you feel (unless you feel homicidal; keep that one to yourself). Let her know you feel violated, and it might be quite a while before you feel you can to trust her (if that's the case). Tell her you DON'T feel the same connection with her kids, but that you were building one until she read your mail and lessened your opinion of her (in your own words). Tell her she needs to let your relationship with her kids develop naturally, that it can't be rushed. TELL her she's overly sensitive and annoying and self-absorbed (or whatever adjectives you choose; those were mine).
Let her read your original post! Hell, let her read all of these posts, she'll see a pattern.
Yep...I am a great believer in honesty, being open and plain speaking
Get rid of the drama!
Leonie
Member
- Location
- Queensland, Australia
Geez, navigating around the 'allowed' and 'not allowed' things in the kids' lives would be a minefield. I wonder how your son gets on when his own kids are around or are they not allowed soda either when they're with him?
GuardianAngelof4
New Member
They are not supposed to be allowed soda even when they are at their mother's house by his rule. Pretty sure that one is not followed because trying to control how the ex handles parenting inside her home? What's crazy about that is, until maybe 6 months ago, he drank Mountain Dew non-stop.
OneEyedDiva
SF VIP
- Location
- New Jersey
If her son has already taken sides with the GF instead of his mother and hasn't at least tried to hear his mother out, what makes you think she can just tell him to cut the woman loose...and expect that he'll do it?!
As for you GuardianAngel, this was an unfortunate circumstance for sure. Your son shouldn't be upholding someone who invaded your privacy like that. Hopefully in time, when the dust has settled, at least the two of you can discuss things. Other than that, I have no advice either.
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Leonie
Member
- Location
- Queensland, Australia
Wow
Wow, sounds like your son has gotten himself tangled up with a control freak. Isn't it interesting how we tend to see this sort of situation differently than if you were talking about a daughter? There would be alarm bells ringing if it was a daughter, and probably rightly so, but blokes can fall victim to this too. It is so insidious they don't even realise it is happening until it's too late and they have alienated their entire family.
I really feel for you Guardianangel, you must feel like you are walking on a tightrope. I wish I could offer some advice but I'm the last one you want to take advice from. I fell off.
I ended up losing it completely and telling her to go 'bleep' herself. That won't help, trust me. But it did make me feel better.
Wow, sounds like your son has gotten himself tangled up with a control freak. Isn't it interesting how we tend to see this sort of situation differently than if you were talking about a daughter? There would be alarm bells ringing if it was a daughter, and probably rightly so, but blokes can fall victim to this too. It is so insidious they don't even realise it is happening until it's too late and they have alienated their entire family.
I really feel for you Guardianangel, you must feel like you are walking on a tightrope. I wish I could offer some advice but I'm the last one you want to take advice from. I fell off.
I ended up losing it completely and telling her to go 'bleep' herself. That won't help, trust me. But it did make me feel better. 
“There are always two sides to every story, and it is generally wise, and safe, and charitable, to take the best; and yet there is probably no one way in which persons are so liable to be wrong, as in presuming the worst is true, and in forming and expressing their judgement of others, and of their actions, without waiting till all the truth is known.”
― Jonathan Edwards, Charity & Its Fruits
Leonie
Member
- Location
- Queensland, Australia
Absolutely true Dana, but this is just a forum, full of unknown anonymous people (for the most part) and we only get one side of the story. Sometimes it is easier to talk about our problems to people we don't really know.
[SIZE=4]GuardianAngelof4[/SIZE],
Two strong willed, disagreeing, loved women in your son's life. Why doesn't he recognize not to take sides (no matter if he agrees with one), and try to mediate between you two? It sure sounds like you're both 'tougher' than he is when it comes to the whole situation. Maybe saying to GF that you are sorry for telling certain things about her that annoy you to other people, that you were wrong to do so.--(I've shared things that I shouldn't have with a friend). --- even though she was wrong to snoop into your private messages. That might ease some of her hostility. Oh I don't know. It just seems that there are a whole lot of disagreements that need compromising between you two strong-willed females. 
Jules
SF VIP
Rather than re-reading OP’s original post, do the GF’s parents provide this egalitarian loving or care that is expected of you?
Our kids (teens) in the blended family got presents, etc from only that side of the family. No expectation from the other side. We didn’t live in the same town.
Our kids (teens) in the blended family got presents, etc from only that side of the family. No expectation from the other side. We didn’t live in the same town.
GuardianAngelof4
New Member
Yes, he's tried to mediate in the past - the gist of mediation was "She wants to know if you like her, and why you treat her kids differently from the other kids, and why they don't get all the same privileges" etc. In other words, he has wanted me to change... what? exactly? How I look at them? How I feel about them? When they started participating in the once-a-week visit with me, they got the same privileges as the other kids (choosing which restaurant we go pick up food from, or what dinner they want cooked, same art projects, included in games, who gets to use which computer, stuff like that), but they supposedly tell my son and his GF that they feel like they are "treated differently".[SIZE=4]GuardianAngelof4[/SIZE],
Two strong willed, disagreeing, loved women in your son's life. Why doesn't he recognize not to take sides (no matter if he agrees with one), and try to mediate between you two? It sure sounds like you're both 'tougher' than he is when it comes to the whole situation.
I feel like his mediation has been a bit one-sided, he's tried to get me and his sisters to "change our attitudes" but nothing from the other side about how this could be facilitated other than treating them the same. We have not, or I have not, been hostile toward her. She overstepped some boundaries with the sister closest to her age some time back and their interactions have been strained but no one has been outright rude to her.
One major personality conflict is that she is admittedly an extrovert and the lockdown has been killing her having to forgo time spent with her friends and other couples. My girls and I are primarily introverts, not a lot of close friends, socializing outside of home is either family or work-related things, pretty much homebodies.
Believe it or not, everything y'all have posted has helped me a lot. I'm getting some perspective and I'm almost ready to write her back. I don't trust myself to have a face to face yet, because I am not a fan of confrontation (that's on me I know). So thank you to EVERYONE who has replied to my one-sided story.
GuardianAngelof4
New Member
Mmmm, it's debatable. She originally moved in with my son from her mother's house and they didn't speak for about two years after that. That first Christmas, they had her send the kids' Christmas gifts to my house so she wouldn't even have the address to their house. At this point, other gramma has moved into a tiny house in their backyard. I've only met her a handful of times and she's very self-contained or quiet? I don't think she participates a lot in their day-to-day lives, she gives them all gifts on gifting days, but as for personal interaction, I'm not sure. It's not like my son's bio kids wander over to her tiny house for one-on-one visits. Their only grandfather is remarried and lives several states away. He also has limited interaction with the kids due to some health issues.
I do not care about the conflict between you and whatever adult is involved. You are all adults figure it out or don’t.
. I have my own conflicts with my adult children, and therefore, can’t advise you about yours.The children are different. I was a foster parent for about 30 years. No child ever accused me of treating my bio kids different from my foster kids. I treated them all the same except the disabled kids were treated a bit different.
My very disabled son got time out. When he had a fit or spit at someone, his wheelchair was rolled up to face the wall for time out. He lost tv privileges at times. He got to stay in his room. Children want fairness, above all, they want fairness.
You hear it all the time from them, ”that’s not fair”. I think @GuardianAngelof4 of four, you are making your life as a grandmother way too hard. Trying to please the children, trying to please the adults. Please yourself!
Announce the times and things are a changing, and so is grandma. Parents give children choices, grandparents get to choose. We are getting pizza, one large pizza, with three different toppings. Every child has a favorite topping and, hmm, there are 8 children.
8 toppings are put on a piece of paper, papers are put in a jar, grandma draws 3 papers, and those are the toppings. Keep the rest of the papers in the jar, put the drawn papers aside. Next time there are 5 pieces of paper to draw from. Eventually everyone has had a pizza with their favorite topping. They hate a topping? They can pick it off or choose to eat a sandwich. It’s their choice.
This is how it is done in the group homes my two disabled adults sons are in. It is done fairly, everyone wants fair. It does not matter if you love bio grandchild more than step grandchild or more than grandchild’s friends who are over for the day: and you really hate those friends of his. As long as you are fair, how you feel does not matter as long as you keep those feelings to yourself.
fuzzybuddy
SF VIP
I thought it over. If GuardianAngelof4's family is anything like mine, family relationships are like stepping through a minefield. No matter what you do, or don't do, somebody has their 2 cents to say about it. It's a no win situation. You just have to grin and bear it.
"...if child A can not have soda, no soda for any child. If child B can only watch tv for an hour, then all the children only watch tv for an hour. And on down the line..." I don't agree with this strategy. Seems it just might bring about a sense of unfair treatment by those who have no fault in the reason for the decision. At other times, depending on understanding the why of the situation, the kids who go without won't mind. GranddianAngelof4, hmmm, I have a feeling your son should stop giving "advice" to you, and/or his GF, or whomever about the family problem. Butt out. He's only aggravating things. Might be best if he leaves it up to you and his GF, etc. to find a way to agree to disagree peacefully over problems between the two of you.
Myself and one of my daughters are not confrontationists, are more loner types, however my younger daughter is very much an extrovert. This Covid business of doing fewer public activities is probably maddening for her.
Myself and one of my daughters are not confrontationists, are more loner types, however my younger daughter is very much an extrovert. This Covid business of doing fewer public activities is probably maddening for her.
I am fine with you not agreeing with the policy, but this policy exists in most the schools and children are used to it; therefore it is easy to enforce at home or grandmas house.