Yes, he's tried to mediate in the past - the gist of mediation was "She wants to know if you like her, and why you treat her kids differently from the other kids, and why they don't get all the same privileges" etc. In other words, he has wanted me to change... what? exactly? How I look at them? How I feel about them? When they started participating in the once-a-week visit with me, they got the same privileges as the other kids (choosing which restaurant we go pick up food from, or what dinner they want cooked, same art projects, included in games, who gets to use which computer, stuff like that), but they supposedly tell my son and his GF that they feel like they are "treated differently".
I feel like his mediation has been a bit one-sided, he's tried to get me and his sisters to "change our attitudes" but nothing from the other side about how this could be facilitated other than treating them the same. We have not, or I have not, been hostile toward her. She overstepped some boundaries with the sister closest to her age some time back and their interactions have been strained but no one has been outright rude to her.
One major personality conflict is that she is admittedly an extrovert and the lockdown has been killing her having to forgo time spent with her friends and other couples. My girls and I are primarily introverts, not a lot of close friends, socializing outside of home is either family or work-related things, pretty much homebodies.
Believe it or not, everything y'all have posted has helped me a lot. I'm getting some perspective and I'm almost ready to write her back. I don't trust myself to have a face to face yet, because I am not a fan of confrontation (that's on me I know). So thank you to EVERYONE who has replied to my one-sided story.
I do not care about the conflict between you and whatever adult is involved. You are all adults figure it out or don’t.
. I have my own conflicts with my adult children, and therefore, can’t advise you about yours.
The children are different. I was a foster parent for about 30 years. No child ever accused me of treating my bio kids different from my foster kids. I treated them all the same except the disabled kids were treated a bit different.
My very disabled son got time out. When he had a fit or spit at someone, his wheelchair was rolled up to face the wall for time out. He lost tv privileges at times. He got to stay in his room.
Children want fairness, above all, they want fairness.
You hear it all the time from them, ”that’s not fair”. I think
@GuardianAngelof4 of four, you are making your life as a grandmother way too hard. Trying to please the children, trying to please the adults. Please yourself!
Announce the times and things are a changing, and so is grandma. Parents give children choices, grandparents get to choose. We are getting pizza, one large pizza, with three different toppings. Every child has a favorite topping and, hmm, there are 8 children.
8 toppings are put on a piece of paper, papers are put in a jar, grandma draws 3 papers, and those are the toppings. Keep the rest of the papers in the jar, put the drawn papers aside. Next time there are 5 pieces of paper to draw from. Eventually everyone has had a pizza with their favorite topping. They hate a topping? They can pick it off or choose to eat a sandwich. It’s their choice.
This is how it is done in the group homes my two disabled adults sons are in.
It is done fairly, everyone wants fair. It does not matter if you love bio grandchild more than step grandchild or more than grandchild’s friends who are over for the day: and you really hate those friends of his. As long as you are fair, how you feel does not matter as long as you keep those feelings to yourself.