GuardianAngelof4
New Member
I don't know if this will help or if anyone has any advice. I'm kind of at my wit's end.
My son has three children - two are officially, legally, biologically his. One he acted as daddy since she was 4 months old when he married her mother. There was a bitter divorce when kids were 11, 9, and 5. He shared custody and had them every other week - including the one that he never adopted.
About a year later, he announced that he had a girlfriend (GF) and she was moving in with her three kids, ages 7, 5, and 4. His sisters and I were a little taken aback but we knew he had been seeing, but had not been introduced, well, maybe once, and had never met her children. We tried to be supportive, but his kids were having a hard time with it and now, nearly 6 years later, the non-adopted daughter does not spend much time with this "blended family", for a variety of reasons.
We all love my son, and his kids, but at the time, the GF's kids were clearly having difficulty adjusting as well and this made them hard to be around. There were some behavior and self-control issues, that have since (thank goodness) been addressed and are under control with counseling and medication. We still tried to include them in as many activities and family things as possible, but they had every other weekend with their own bio-dad, and missed a lot of birthday parties, cook outs, and so on.
Before all of this happened, before the divorce, before GF moved in, I had a day once a week when I could pick up all the grandkids from school, we would go out for ice cream or the playground, or do some arts and crafts projects, during the summer we would go to the museum, or movies, or just hang out at my house. After GF moved in, this became a bone of contention. It was not reasonable to pick up all of the kids (I do have 4 other grandkids not really a part of this story) in a vehicle only suited for 6 but regardless of that, when it was brought up - and it was - "Why can't GF's kids be included?", that was actually the primary reason they were not. Still, I invited. "If you want me to include them, great, they are all so close in age, they would have fun, but can GF bring them to (where ever we were going)?" because I didn't have enough PHYSICAL room. This lack of space eventually translated to lack of space in my heart, per my son.
Then came COVID. There was no after school pick up or arts and crafts days or anything for a few months. We started getting together again over the summer, some, since we had all been isolated, but mostly the kids came to my house, played in the yard, did crafts, ate dinner together. And not all of the kids came, one of my daughters kept her son home except for rare visits on the weekend and not when anyone else was at my house.
So here we are, 6 years later. He's come and begged me to accept them and treat them the same as all my other grandchildren - and I do, as much as I am physically capable of.
I can't treat them EXACTLY the same because in spite of it being almost 6 years since they moved in, they are NOT my grandchildren. I have not known them since birth, I have not been able to get to know all of their personality quirks, boundaries, limits, preferences, etc. My son says I'm sharper with them that I am with the others. Maybe so? I don't know. I try not to be. I buy them birthday and Christmas presents, and they have recently started coming to my house once a week with most of the other kids. And it was getting better. The GF kids were forging relationships with all the other kids. There have been some rocky moments, and there are two out of all the kids that I can't leave alone for long, but mostly it has been a good growing thing. GF is good for my son, keeping him focused and steady, more balanced than he has been ever, I think. Definitely more balanced that his ex-wife. He also loves her and she clearly loves him. That's all a good growing thing as well.
But. There have been some things. GF is brash and opinionated, and loud. And one of those people who "tells the truth even if it hurts." Early on she said some things in person, and via my son, that caused my daughters to pull back. They tried to be open and welcoming but there were incidents that caused them - and me if I'm honest here - to be cautious in their interactions with her. Too easy to offend. She is a lot. A lot to deal with. She voices unasked opinions about many things, and is offended if someone does not agree with her. She's young, a bit younger than all of my kids, so we take it with grain of salt and let her do her and try not to get offended or engage in animosity. She calls us "fake" and "insincere" due to that. My son says we need to "do some reading and learn how to deal with a blended family". Well I have researched articles and blogs and tried to find the secret ingredient that they seem to think we are missing to become a great "blended extended family". All I can find is takes time, and no time table is the same for any family - extended or otherwise.
And here is where it takes a turn for the worse. The last time all the kids were here, there was a thunderstorm and she did not want to drive in it. I said sure, just stay here where it's safe. After the storm passed it was late so I said, let me go get food for the kids and bring it back, we can eat before they go, you stay here with them. OK that's good. Well. She asked to play with the iPad while I was away, I said sure. I hesitated, and my mistake, trusted that she would not snoop. WRONG. She opened my messages. Read all my message threads from WAY WAY BACK. Discussions my daughters and I had had about how to deal with some of the time we have had to be careful about what we said to her, in front of her, in front of her kids. Some of the things that were just eye-rolling offensive, but we didn't rock the boat. PERSONAL messages. Not only that she took screenshot of EVERYTHING and showed my son. THEN GOT MAD because WE TALKED ABOUT HER. She then wrote a horrible email to my and my daughters about all the private conversations she read. Then my son told me that neither his kids nor hers would be spending any time with me in the foreseeable future - which is counter-intuitive.
*ok I'm getting angry again at the violation of privacy and my own naivete. If I could turn back time....*
Now, she says, via email "I would love to be able to congregate and discuss this like adults." What's to discuss? Especially after the violation of privacy, I'm not comfortable talking with her at all. Before the blow up where she read something that was never meant for her eyes, I just asked for the time to get to know the kids, and time to adjust. I know it's been nearly six years but only being around them once in a great while before and only recently once a week has not afforded me time to be as "open-hearted" (her words) to her and her kids as I am with the ones I've known since birth.
MY QUESTION: What do I do? How do I tell them that as much as I want to love and associate with her kids, I need time? They seem to think that there is some magic acceptance I'm not doing. I am frustrated and angry and sad and no idea how to fix this.
My son has three children - two are officially, legally, biologically his. One he acted as daddy since she was 4 months old when he married her mother. There was a bitter divorce when kids were 11, 9, and 5. He shared custody and had them every other week - including the one that he never adopted.
About a year later, he announced that he had a girlfriend (GF) and she was moving in with her three kids, ages 7, 5, and 4. His sisters and I were a little taken aback but we knew he had been seeing, but had not been introduced, well, maybe once, and had never met her children. We tried to be supportive, but his kids were having a hard time with it and now, nearly 6 years later, the non-adopted daughter does not spend much time with this "blended family", for a variety of reasons.
We all love my son, and his kids, but at the time, the GF's kids were clearly having difficulty adjusting as well and this made them hard to be around. There were some behavior and self-control issues, that have since (thank goodness) been addressed and are under control with counseling and medication. We still tried to include them in as many activities and family things as possible, but they had every other weekend with their own bio-dad, and missed a lot of birthday parties, cook outs, and so on.
Before all of this happened, before the divorce, before GF moved in, I had a day once a week when I could pick up all the grandkids from school, we would go out for ice cream or the playground, or do some arts and crafts projects, during the summer we would go to the museum, or movies, or just hang out at my house. After GF moved in, this became a bone of contention. It was not reasonable to pick up all of the kids (I do have 4 other grandkids not really a part of this story) in a vehicle only suited for 6 but regardless of that, when it was brought up - and it was - "Why can't GF's kids be included?", that was actually the primary reason they were not. Still, I invited. "If you want me to include them, great, they are all so close in age, they would have fun, but can GF bring them to (where ever we were going)?" because I didn't have enough PHYSICAL room. This lack of space eventually translated to lack of space in my heart, per my son.
Then came COVID. There was no after school pick up or arts and crafts days or anything for a few months. We started getting together again over the summer, some, since we had all been isolated, but mostly the kids came to my house, played in the yard, did crafts, ate dinner together. And not all of the kids came, one of my daughters kept her son home except for rare visits on the weekend and not when anyone else was at my house.
So here we are, 6 years later. He's come and begged me to accept them and treat them the same as all my other grandchildren - and I do, as much as I am physically capable of.
I can't treat them EXACTLY the same because in spite of it being almost 6 years since they moved in, they are NOT my grandchildren. I have not known them since birth, I have not been able to get to know all of their personality quirks, boundaries, limits, preferences, etc. My son says I'm sharper with them that I am with the others. Maybe so? I don't know. I try not to be. I buy them birthday and Christmas presents, and they have recently started coming to my house once a week with most of the other kids. And it was getting better. The GF kids were forging relationships with all the other kids. There have been some rocky moments, and there are two out of all the kids that I can't leave alone for long, but mostly it has been a good growing thing. GF is good for my son, keeping him focused and steady, more balanced than he has been ever, I think. Definitely more balanced that his ex-wife. He also loves her and she clearly loves him. That's all a good growing thing as well.
But. There have been some things. GF is brash and opinionated, and loud. And one of those people who "tells the truth even if it hurts." Early on she said some things in person, and via my son, that caused my daughters to pull back. They tried to be open and welcoming but there were incidents that caused them - and me if I'm honest here - to be cautious in their interactions with her. Too easy to offend. She is a lot. A lot to deal with. She voices unasked opinions about many things, and is offended if someone does not agree with her. She's young, a bit younger than all of my kids, so we take it with grain of salt and let her do her and try not to get offended or engage in animosity. She calls us "fake" and "insincere" due to that. My son says we need to "do some reading and learn how to deal with a blended family". Well I have researched articles and blogs and tried to find the secret ingredient that they seem to think we are missing to become a great "blended extended family". All I can find is takes time, and no time table is the same for any family - extended or otherwise.
And here is where it takes a turn for the worse. The last time all the kids were here, there was a thunderstorm and she did not want to drive in it. I said sure, just stay here where it's safe. After the storm passed it was late so I said, let me go get food for the kids and bring it back, we can eat before they go, you stay here with them. OK that's good. Well. She asked to play with the iPad while I was away, I said sure. I hesitated, and my mistake, trusted that she would not snoop. WRONG. She opened my messages. Read all my message threads from WAY WAY BACK. Discussions my daughters and I had had about how to deal with some of the time we have had to be careful about what we said to her, in front of her, in front of her kids. Some of the things that were just eye-rolling offensive, but we didn't rock the boat. PERSONAL messages. Not only that she took screenshot of EVERYTHING and showed my son. THEN GOT MAD because WE TALKED ABOUT HER. She then wrote a horrible email to my and my daughters about all the private conversations she read. Then my son told me that neither his kids nor hers would be spending any time with me in the foreseeable future - which is counter-intuitive.
*ok I'm getting angry again at the violation of privacy and my own naivete. If I could turn back time....*
Now, she says, via email "I would love to be able to congregate and discuss this like adults." What's to discuss? Especially after the violation of privacy, I'm not comfortable talking with her at all. Before the blow up where she read something that was never meant for her eyes, I just asked for the time to get to know the kids, and time to adjust. I know it's been nearly six years but only being around them once in a great while before and only recently once a week has not afforded me time to be as "open-hearted" (her words) to her and her kids as I am with the ones I've known since birth.
MY QUESTION: What do I do? How do I tell them that as much as I want to love and associate with her kids, I need time? They seem to think that there is some magic acceptance I'm not doing. I am frustrated and angry and sad and no idea how to fix this.
if they'd like you all to get together for fun, just you and them. They vote on what that would be, and what would be fun for all. If it's okay with their mother. Their mother might appreciate this and soften up towards you. (I can't think of what might be of help your situation...)
If you canāt do that, then donāt see them, donāt see any of them, that is my advice. Itās not about you, itās about the welfare of the children.