Been a rough few days. Quite a few patients with bed bugs. Tonight someone made a mess outside the entrance doors.

Glad it's not like that every night.
It is officially the 2 yr anniversary of my mother's death. I still can't think about it for too long without crying. Still trying to comprehend the things she did to me and told me when I was younger. I am waiting for my father to pass so that I can sit down with myself and begin my healing journey.
Maybe I'll luck out and get alzheimer's before that happens and then I won't even remember that I hafta deal with it. A girl can dream.

We are into the holiday season and losing a loved one during that time is absolute torture. People listening to Christmas music and discussing what they're doing for the holidays. And for me it's just another day now.
Christmas music makes me miserable and yet I'm forced to be tormented with it for 32 days. I come home to the peace and quiet of my apt. and do my daily self care. It's all I can do now. I try to understand how I could be born with a neurological disorder and be treated like it was my fault I had it. When I was little I just remember feeling like nobody loved me ever. Still do to an extent.
I used to be depressed but always managed to claw my way out of it. Now I just go through periods where I'm sad for a while. It's funny how hard it is to muster the energy to take care of yourself when your heart aches and you just don't care anymore.
You spend your entire life taking a beat down from life itself. And you still manage to drag yourself outta bed and stumble on through the days and months and years. I honestly don't know how I managed to survive it. With at least some sanity. By rights I should be in a padded room muttering to myself.
I tried going to a therapist back in 2021. Didn't help at all. She had no clue what to do for me so she sent me to the psychiatrist for drugs that I couldn't take and didn't really want. So once again I was stuck taking care of myself and meeting my own needs. Now I figure there isn't much left that I couldn't manage to be strong enough to get through.
I wish I could bottle up some of that strength for Ronni right now.