Can you talk to your kids?

Q

QuickSilver

SF VIP
Location
Midwest
I mean can you talk to your kids as adults? Do you have conversations that are totally adult to adult and not parent to child. I have to admit that I find it hard to do. I try, but I always slip back into the "mom" role and offer advise.. AND it's a two way street.. I feel like my kids don't relate to me as adult to adult, either. It makes conversation rather difficult and stilted. It seems there is not much to talk about.
 

I completely understand you QS I have a similar situation with my daughter. I find if I say something that's a concern from a mother to a daughter I'm dismissed with a derisory, or impatient comment. It's a difficult situation, she's very closed about her private life and doesn't offer much in the way of information as to what is occurring in her day to day life unless I specifically ask.

If I ask her advice as adult to adult, she'll give it in a Black and white kind of manner ( not aggressively) but in a ''well this is my opinion, take it or leave it'' as though she were giving advice to a neighbour or acquaintance and that's the end of the subject..I can't raise it again at a later date if I haven't taken her advice....there are no grey areas where my daughter is concerned so it's difficult to have a an adult to adult conversation in that sense...so in the main our conversations stay at a superficial level..which is upsetting for me but again if I were to mention this to her it would be dismissed by her as of no consequence.
 
It's difficult. My youngest son is 43.. He is married and has 3 kids.. yet I feel like he still relates to me as a teenager. He doesn't initate conversation about concerns he must have about raising kids, or problems he is having at work.. I ask questions simply to make conversation and he really doesn't respond other than superficial answers or comments.

Perhaps this is my fault. I never tried to be a "friend" to my kids.. I tried to be a good "mother", and parent. Maybe it's hard to suddenly relate to another person that you had to discipline or set rules for.. Maybe it's hard to relate to the person that disciplined you or set rules FOR you. I raised good adults... but at the price of having them as friends. I enjoy seeing them and hearing from them, but it can be trying to keep conversation going, and the occasion more than an obligation on both our parts.
 

My oldest son is 43 and he's not very communicative, but my other son, 41, and I have very good communication. Yes, I can talk to him like adult to adult.
 
My 42-year old son and I have excellent rapport and can talk about almost anything for hours, even the most trivial matters and seem to find plenty to laugh about too. I consider myself extremely lucky and blessed that its so easy between us.
 
My daughter is 39...and from what you've written QS it sounds almost identical situation you have with your youngest as I do with my daughter . She's a very successful businesswoman, very outgoing and confident..and these are things which I worked hard as a mother to hope would happen for her...yet.. it's now a superficial type of relationship and really has been since she left home at 23..but equally again as you say..I too endure this because it keeps her in contact, and visiting (albeit that she lives in another country) but she emails most days..again about mostly superficial stuff, and I try not to be a pain and ring her or email her too much ( I ring maybe three times a year..her too... and we email or text back and forth a couple or 3 times a week) ..

Equally when she comes to the UK it's never a visit just for mum, it's always a Business trip where she will out aside a couple of hours for lunch or dinner for us both but that's it.. even if she was to be here in London for a week I'd still just get a couple of hours.

I accept it for what it is, because it's preferable to having no contact at all..
 
I have a relatively superficial relationship with my daughter. We get along just fine but it seems like I'm not particularly important in her life. I attribute that to her husband, who has worked very hard to separate her from the family. I'm very close to my granddaughter and she calls me for advice and just to chat frequently.

I have to constantly remind my boyfriend not to "preach" to his sons....he tends to offer advice when it's not asked for. I have to keep on him to understand that they are adults and if he wants them to talk to him more, then don't go into the "what you should have done" and "what you shouldn't have done".
 
There's nothing I can't discuss with my daughter, even her sex life in full detail. Doesn't mean we have the closest of mother daughter relationships, it's just not a problem talking, adult to adult on most levels. There are times we do revert to adult child and she does seek me out for advise when she's not going through one of her moods or when she's going through one of her moods, just depends on what kid of mood it is at the time.

Funny thing is, I never really discuss my dating or non dating life with her, at least not in detail, though she does pry, not so much these days though as she knows, I'll be evasive, plus, she's much more judgemental. She used to be bothered my choice to remain single, but, then, I never really discussed much about anyone I dated in detail, she's too much like the mother in these instances and it's annoying having to tell every detail so she can then criticize me for why I'm not introducing the person or looking into a future with the person. She does sometimes like to think of me as one of her friends, like the times she used to want me to always hang out with her and her girlfriends. I was one of the first people she made sure would spend the evening out with her on her birthday bar hopping in Manhattan. Fun for her and her friends, not fun for me, I don't bar hop, but, I went for her sake. :rolleyes: We've gone out dancing a few times since when we've been in the same local, she does love hanging out with her mom. Still, I'm stay the mom when we're out in any such environment and would quickly intervene when I feel the need. Her husband would be there these days, so likely she won't need my skill set.
 
A very good topic QS. I have tried to eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary when speaking to my sons and really done a pretty good job of not being critical. This has been appreciated primarily because it contrasts so glaringly with my ex-wife their mother who has been overbearingly critical to the point where both boys go through periods of total alienation with her. Father son communication is really about to be tested in the coming year because I am giving my younger son the business that my wife and I created. His job will be largely to liquidate the remaining inventory following a business plan that has worked very well for me. Still it will require an enormous amount of guidance on my part. I have thought about this and vowed that whether he does particularly well or not will not matter. He really can't avoid making a significant amount of money so I can't foresee any alienating problems.

I'm getting close to the point where their concern about their senile old man will become the predominant reversal of roles.
 
I'm thinking that the difference in age as well as the parent/child history may be a factor. Many of us have said we prefer being with people closer to our own age. Perhaps that's how they feel as well. And you can never completely erase the parent/child history either. I can talk to my own peer group about personal things that I would not like to discuss with my sons. So in reality, why would I expect them to spill their guts to me?
 
My daughter and I can discuss anything. We are best friends. Of course we may not agree on many things but still, always open to each others opinion.
 
Thankfully, I have one daughter and two sons all of which have children of their own, we can talk to each other as adults or we can be as silly as one wants to be. Like our cruise we just took. My son bought along a pack of candy cigarettes, none of us smoke, and we posed on board each holding one. We got pictures and big laughs over this one. Even the waiter got a big laugh.

As kids, we sure had our ups and downs, as teenagers will, but now they are all in their fifties, we love to get together.
I am truly blessed for such fine children. :love_heart:
 
I'm thinking too that women with girls may get more in depth conversations than women with sons get. Women tend to be more open with other women. Men as a rule generally don't like getting into all the "feeling" and emotional stuff that women like to discuss.

Many times what men consider "close" is more paling around and laughing, enjoying a good joke..or participating in a mutual interest like sports... Women like to "get into the weeds" so to speak... feelings and analysing hidden motives and emotions are more a woman's forte.. So a deep conversation can mean different things.
 
Pappy, you really are blessed with your family. My son and I also had our ups and downs while he was growing up and we both went through our 'issues' but now we're very supportive of each other and close.

My own mother and I barely spoke to each other and I never talked about anything to either my father or my sister. Everyone had their 'roles'.
 
I have three daughters and a son (he is the youngest). I have a good relationship with all of them-each a little different maybe,but I can and do talk to each of them about anything. Having had three older sisters,my son is maybe able to share feelings more than some men. I rarely find myself needing to give any kind of advice anymore-they are all happily married and doing well, so they don`t need to ask for advice and I don`t need to give it. They don`t even ask for child raising advice-when they sometimes complain about something their kids are doing,I just smile and nod-they know I`m just going to say "Payback`s a b*tch!" lol
 
Mrs. Robinson said:
I have three daughters and a son (he is the youngest). I have a good relationship with all of them-each a little different maybe,but I can and do talk to each of them about anything. Having had three older sisters,my son is maybe able to share feelings more than some men. I rarely find myself needing to give any kind of advice anymore-they are all happily married and doing well, so they don`t need to ask for advice and I don`t need to give it. They don`t even ask for child raising advice-when they sometimes complain about something their kids are doing,I just smile and nod-they know I`m just going to say "Payback`s a b*tch!" lol
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I only do this on the inside, really loudly on the inside. :D Especially, though sometimes I feel a tad guilty when she apologizes for what she put me thought. LOL. Gotta love karma sometimes, even if I truly want nothing more than for my child to live a happy life, just sometimes, it's good for them to get a taste.
 
I think there’s a difference between talking “with” someone vs. talking “to” them.

Don’t have kids, but my mother and I could talk with each other. OTOH my father was very authoritarian (even dictatorial) and he talked “to” people…..his kids and others. He liked to order people around and many people just could not tolerate it. It was like “Listen while I tell you what you should think and what you need to do”. Ugh. :rolleyes:
 
My kids are more like people I just happen to know. I live on the other side of the door from my daughter and her husband and kids. They aren't over here much, but my daughter does come over and plop down to chat and get away from her desk a couple of times a week. We don't talk about anything much except their comings and goings, neighborhood news and gossip, never any conversations about what goes on in the world or politics or religion. She's not and never has been a deep thinker and not a scholar. She also parrots her husband's politics, although she has a mind of her own, and it drives me right around the bend. I think she does it to keep the peace. She tells people I'm her best friend. I don't want to be her best friend and never did want to be. She's got lots of friends. I'm her mom.

My son accuses me so often of talking to him like he's still a little kid, that I don't bring up much of anything or ever ask any questions. The most innocent comment will set him off on a "you're-treating-me-like-I'm-10-years-old" rant. He and I agree on politics, religion or lack thereof, and discuss whatever is in the news. We named him after St. Thomas Aquinas, and after we left the church when he was baptized, we wondered if maybe he'd grow up obese instead of smart. That didn't happen. He's an intellectual's intellectual. He's 53. He'd never in a million call me his best friend, which is a good thing. I'm his mom.

All in all, I'd say I mostly have a reasonable relationship of them, but I don't know that I'd call it close.
 
yes....we have five adult children and each one is independent and work hard and are adults to themselves......my two sons at different times have worked construction with myself, one for three years and one for ten both now have moved on as I have retired....we see our children at least twice a month or more talk on phone most every week, one lives next door and we see them most every day
 

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