Caught between my aging parents and my teens – anyone else in this “sandwich”?

JeanBrown

JeanBrown

New Member
Being the “middle” generation feels a bit like being stretched in two directions most days.😵‍💫😵‍💫

My parents are in their late 70s now. Dad has mobility issues and Mom’s memory isn’t what it used to be, so they need help with appointments, shopping and keeping track of bills. At the same time my teens still need rides, school support and just…a present parent.

Some days I come home from taking my parents to a medical appointment and I walk straight into helping with homework and making dinner, and I realise I haven’t had 10 quiet minutes to myself. Then I feel guilty for even thinking that, because I know how lucky I am to still have my parents and children.

If you’ve been in this “sandwich generation” spot, what has helped you set boundaries without feeling like you’re failing someone? Do you talk openly about it with your family, or just quietly keep going?
 

I was a surprise pregnancy to my folks, Mom was in her early 40’s, and they passed away before my older kids hit their teens. So I didn’t have that specific “sandwich” to which you refer.

Rather I was caring for aging parents while also dealing with newborns through elementary school. Lots of shuffling, taking the tiny ones with me to help my folks, being woken in the middle of the night not just by restless babies but also by parents who were having trouble.

They died within several years of each other, before my last child was born. I was grateful I was in a position to care for them, but it was also super stressful.
 
@JeanBrown, Do you have any siblings or extended family that could help carry the load? Reassure the kids that they are still a priority, but let them help carry the load as well (laundry, dinner, calling to check on grandparents.)

Perhaps the teens could carpool at times.

Protect your own health.
 

@JeanBrown My partner was raising her son and her parents started having major health issues when he was a teenager. Yep, sandwiched is how she felt. She found relief with me. :). Are you single or have a boy or girlfriend? They can help sometimes. Misa's 2 siblings didn't help. Her older sister is in California, and her brother was ill too. So she was stressed most of the time.

Do you have brothers and/or sisters nearby. They should help if possible. I remember this period of our lives vividly. Her son is bringing kids and girls home, and has homework and adolescent problems, and her parents were needing more personal care all the time. She would get a call and rush over there, but I was usually there ( we never married ) to hang out with Seth.

Finding this forum is going to help you. :)
 
Beware: Your kids are learning how to take care of their aging parents as you go through this. I would definitely favor taking care of your parents; your kids will learn how to cope by finding their own rides or other workarounds.
 
@Gardenlover Thank you! I do have one sibling, but he lives a few states away and can only help occasionally by phone. Most of the day-to-day falls to me simply because I’m here.
I’ve started involving my teens a little more, like you suggested — simple things such as calling their grandparents to check in or helping carry groceries in. They don’t mind, and I think it actually helps them feel connected rather than “pushed aside.” Carpooling is a good idea too; I’m going to look into arranging that more regularly.
 
@Paco Dennis Your description of your partner’s situation sounds so familiar — that constant pull in two directions. It really is a stage of life you don’t understand until you’re in it.

I’m married, and my husband helps where he can, especially with the kids’ schedules. But when it comes to my parents, most of the hands-on tasks fall to me simply because I know their routines and they’re more comfortable with me handling things. I don’t resent it, but I do get tired.

Hearing how others navigated this makes me feel a little less alone. I’m glad I found this forum — you’re right, reading everyone’s experiences is already helping.
 
Ronni said:
I was a surprise pregnancy to my folks, Mom was in her early 40’s, and they passed away before my older kids hit their teens. So I didn’t have that specific “sandwich” to which you refer.

Rather I was caring for aging parents while also dealing with newborns through elementary school. Lots of shuffling, taking the tiny ones with me to help my folks, being woken in the middle of the night not just by restless babies but also by parents who were having trouble.

They died within several years of each other, before my last child was born. I was grateful I was in a position to care for them, but it was also super stressful.
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well done Ronni - it all counts on judgement day!!
 
JeanBrown said:
@Paco Dennis Your description of your partner’s situation sounds so familiar — that constant pull in two directions. It really is a stage of life you don’t understand until you’re in it.

I’m married, and my husband helps where he can, especially with the kids’ schedules. But when it comes to my parents, most of the hands-on tasks fall to me simply because I know their routines and they’re more comfortable with me handling things. I don’t resent it, but I do get tired.

Hearing how others navigated this makes me feel a little less alone. I’m glad I found this forum — you’re right, reading everyone’s experiences is already helping.
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we usually only get once chance to do it ; to repay what was given us earlier - it's a gift to share enjoy all moments - spread yourself more thinly!! - the Lord will give you extra strength if you ask for it?
 
My sister took on most of the problems of our aging parents. Her house was directly behind theirs (through the garden gate) on what had been my grandfather's land. I had moved out of state years before. I did stay in touch by phone and came on weekends when needed. My two brothers were also available.
 
Babs2u said:
My sister took on most of the problems of our aging parents. Her house was directly behind theirs (through the garden gate) on what had been my grandfather's land. I had moved out of state years before. I did stay in touch by phone and came on weekends when needed. My two brothers were also available.
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strangely I felt very touched by your story?
 
I can only imagine the difficulty and stress you face @JeanBrown. You are in what they call the "sandwich generation". I never had kids, but I am an only child whose father passed away unexpectedly. My mother was going through severe depression and didn't drive so I was basically her lifeline for 21 years after he passed. I worked as well for 20 of those years. It is always stressful knowing you are solely responsible for someone else's happiness.
 
I really feel for you Jean. I've read about what "sandwich generation" people with aging parents and minor children have to go through. And truthfully, I know of situations where even when there are siblings who could and should help...they sometimes don't pull their weight. Although my son was grown, I had to look out for my elderly mother who's mental ability was declining. I had a heart condition that sometimes prevented me from going over there. Thank God my grand uncle, her brother in law, visited often and would go if I couldn't go.

I found out that there was an agency that provided respite care....they said it was really for the benefit of the caregiver. So I had someone come in a couple of times a week. I believe it was covered under Medicare. Perhaps a service like that is available in your area. You won't be any good to your parents and children if you get down sick from exhaustion.

If you haven't already, train your children to cook, clean, do their own laundry which should help you out. Or at the very least, get them used to not expecting a hot meal every single night. Sandwiches and pizza come to mind. Also get them used to the idea that you will be taking some quiet time for yourself, even if only a couple of times a week.
 
smiley said:
were you ever or sometime or always able to make her happy?
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Yes, I was determined to make my mother's life comfortable. First, my father made all the household decisions. The first thing I did after he passed away was make her do simple things like sorting through the mail and letting me know if there was anything that needed my attention. It gave her a sense of purpose. She was eventually writing checks and taking care of the finances. My father had done all the shopping while she stayed in the house. I made her accompany me to the grocery store, Walgreens, etc. She soon looked forward to it. We were eventually taking her to dinner almost every weekend.

Then I moved us all from South Florida to Dallas, where people are more friendly. I sold her home in a mostly family community where she had no connections and moved her into a 55+ community. She made many friends there. There was a couple there who took her on errands with them. I also consulted her doctor about putting her on a Lexapro regimen because it had worked for my depression. When she moved to assisted living she was charming and social and made many friends there. Although she still had bouts of depression, she was mostly happy for most of those 21 years.
 
OneEyedDiva said:
I really feel for you Jean. I've read about what "sandwich generation" people with aging parents and minor children have to go through. And truthfully, I know of situations where even when there are siblings who could and should help...they sometimes don't pull their weight. Although my son was grown, I had to look out for my elderly mother who's mental ability was declining. I had a heart condition that sometimes prevented me from going over there. Thank God my grand uncle, her brother in law, visited often and would go if I couldn't go.

I found out that there was an agency that provided respite care....they said it was really for the benefit of the caregiver. So I had someone come in a couple of times a week. I believe it was covered under Medicare. Perhaps a service like that is available in your area. You won't be any good to your parents and children if you get down sick from exhaustion.

If you haven't already, train your children to cook, clean, do their own laundry which should help you out. Or at the very least, get them used to not expecting a hot meal every single night. Sandwiches and pizza come to mind. Also get them used to the idea that you will be taking some quiet time for yourself, even if only a couple of times a week.
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Agreed. My SIL lost her parents at a young age but she had 4 children living at home and had gone through a divorce. She made each of them responsible for various chores, like cleaning, cooking and walking the dog. The third child has now become a true "nurturer" and took her to chemotherapy during her cancer treatments. She is the only one still living at home, but she is a delight and will do anything for her mom.
 
seadoug said:
Yes, I was determined to make my mother's life comfortable. First, my father made all the household decisions. The first thing I did after he passed away was make her do simple things like sorting through the mail and letting me know if there was anything that needed my attention. It gave her a sense of purpose. She was eventually writing checks and taking care of the finances. My father had done all the shopping while she stayed in the house. I made her accompany me to the grocery store, Walgreens, etc. She soon looked forward to it. We were eventually taking her to dinner almost every weekend.

Then I moved us all from South Florida to Dallas, where people are more friendly. I sold her home in a mostly family community where she had no connections and moved her into a 55+ community. She made many friends there. There was a couple there who took her on errands with them. I also consulted her doctor about putting her on a Lexapro regimen because it had worked for my depression. When she moved to assisted living she was charming and social and made many friends there. Although she still had bouts of depression, she was mostly happy for most of those 21 years.
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job well done then I would say!
 
No my brother does day to day tasks and my sister and I hardly do a thing. He lives with mom and he never had to lift a finger nor pay rent. She cooked, she and dad cleaned, did the yard.

Then dad got sick and would get up in the middle of the night and wanted biscuits, so my brother gave em or he used his pee bag as a teddy bear and my brother cleaned the whole bed at night and me and my sister sat on our lazy asses.

But my brother didn't want us to do it either. He lives there. I asked if he wanted a break during the summer. Go live in my house. He has no wife nor kids. He doesn't mind helping her. He rather stays there. He cooks, cleans, does the yard, but for the rest mom is very easy going and doesn't need much help.

If her hair needs to get washed we do that together and he leaves the dirty tasks for me when I visit, mostly with my teens, like cutting toenails lol or I clean the kitchen or bathroom.
 
My sympathies, Jean; I hope things ease up for you. You hear about this sandwich situation so much; an 82-year-old friend is "sandwiched" now between her 74-year-old dying sister and their 101-year-old mother; she's just exhausted.
 

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