Christmas Jokes and Cartoons

SeaBreeze

SeaBreeze

Endlessly Groovin'
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ļ†» One of the best things about Christmas is the office Christmas party. Itā€™s a great opportunity to finally meet face-to-face the people who youā€™ve been emailing from a few feet away all year.
 
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
December 14
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Agnes

December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes

December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French Hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love, Agnes

December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes
December 18

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all these birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes

December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Agnes

December 20
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds??? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over my house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with the birds already!
Sincerely, Agnes

December 21
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. Just what am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but did they have to bring their cows?? There's manure all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house! Just knock it off already!
Agnes

December 22
Hey knucklehead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds! What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Agnes

December 23

You rotten.....:
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies. They've been going at it with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!
Agnes

December 24
Listen up you Jerk:
What's with those 11 lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads may never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have now started on the cows. All twenty three of the birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chloe
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!šŸ˜ƒā¤













 
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I received this in an email a couple of decades ago. I believe I posted this here somewhere before...it is Fun-NEEE! Sorry, my computer isn't allowing me to alter the format.
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
> TO: Everyone
> RE: Christmas Party
> DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open
Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

***********
>FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 2
>RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?

***********
> FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 3
> RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

***********
> FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 7
> RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking, and sex
during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does does not accomodate our Muslim employees
beliefs.

Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the
party
the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for
take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the
restrooms. Did I miss anything?

***********
FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay???

**********
> FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 9
> RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up?

***********
>FROM: Bob Lewis, Human Resources Director
>DATE: December 10
>RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly
put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes..
But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice
them.
I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!

***********
> FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
> DATE: December 14
> RE: Bob Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Bob Lewis a speedy recovery
from
his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to him
at
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday
party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

:ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO: :ROFLMAO:
Click to expand...



 
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