I was referring to the long silence (lack of comments) after my post #17-- about a day and a half. I was SO excited to get your invite to "just tell us all about it." Then I did, and..... no response. It made me wonder what esoteric internet chat room rule I'd broken.
Conversation Monopolizer-- what to do?
- Thread starter Swirly
- Start date
I was referring to the long silence (lack of comments) after my post #17-- about a day and a half. I was SO excited to get your invite to "just tell us all about it." Then I did, and..... no response. It made me wonder what esoteric internet chat room rule I'd broken.
I was referring to the long silence (lack of comments) after my post #17-- about a day and a half. I was SO excited to get your invite to "just tell us all about it." Then I did, and..... no response. It made me wonder what esoteric internet chat room rule I'd broken.
Yikes!
I grew up with a monopolizer-- 7 years older than me. I didn't realize it until I was well into adulthood. What she does now, if you try to wrestle the center of attention away from her, is she'll zero in on one person, and ask them a million questions about something. The person being questioned is flattered by all the attention, everyone else gets quiet and listens to the "interview," and my sister is still in control.
I have a 'dear friend' who when making conversation will orate on the subject, then after you have spoken restart on the same subject but with a different twist and say the same thing again but slightly different. I have heard him do this many times and if I say anything he gets defensive and turns on me with accusations of me being subjective. then we dont speak for weeks.
I've come up with something I'm going to try. I don't know if links are okay here, but I'm going to find out, I guess--
https://forge.medium.com/how-to-control-a-conversation-without-saying-much-at-all-c46fb2d4823b
Interestingly, this technique would use my sister's tactic of asking questions to wrest control from the monopolizer. I can interrupt my friend's monologue in a fairly polite way by turning to another person (usually friend #2), and asking her if she's ever experienced (thought, felt, whatever) this thing.
A good example is I was in the back seat of the car recently as my monopolizing friend talked on and on about a Netflix series that I hadn't seen. A third person in the car had seen it, but she of course wasn't getting a word in edgewise. She knows the monopolizer, and wasn't even trying. I was checked out, mentally, and emotionally irritated that we were spending these precious minutes this way.
If only I'd thought to interject with a question to the third person, asking her what she thought about the show, I'd at least have facilitated getting the lead away from the monopolizer, allowing someone else to speak. From there, who knows where we might have gone?
https://forge.medium.com/how-to-control-a-conversation-without-saying-much-at-all-c46fb2d4823b
Interestingly, this technique would use my sister's tactic of asking questions to wrest control from the monopolizer. I can interrupt my friend's monologue in a fairly polite way by turning to another person (usually friend #2), and asking her if she's ever experienced (thought, felt, whatever) this thing.
A good example is I was in the back seat of the car recently as my monopolizing friend talked on and on about a Netflix series that I hadn't seen. A third person in the car had seen it, but she of course wasn't getting a word in edgewise. She knows the monopolizer, and wasn't even trying. I was checked out, mentally, and emotionally irritated that we were spending these precious minutes this way.
If only I'd thought to interject with a question to the third person, asking her what she thought about the show, I'd at least have facilitated getting the lead away from the monopolizer, allowing someone else to speak. From there, who knows where we might have gone?
RadishRose
SF VIP
- Location
- Connecticut, USA
So sorry you felt bad. Sometimes the Forum is slow, sometimes we get confused as to where we are ( I do). Your comments are certainly welcome!
What did you think of HearLady's idea that your friend may be somewhat hard of hearing?
I see you've found a helpful article on how to cope with a "blabbermouth". Good for you!
Ronni
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nashville TN
I have a friend like this. We’ve been friends for many years. She’s a bit self focused and so she attempts to dominate the conversation any time we get together. She’s also warm and funny and compassionate and has such a generous spirit, which is why I’m still friends with her. 
I had a small Christmas gathering last year and when I invited her she immediately said “Oh how lovely! I have SO MUCH to catch you up on!”
I had a small Christmas gathering last year and when I invited her she immediately said “Oh how lovely! I have SO MUCH to catch you up on!”
i have the same friend pepper lol
Hearing is not the problem in this case, but certainly a valid question...
Murrmurr
SF VIP
- Location
- Sacramento, California
It would drive me nuts, too. I don't monopolize conversations, but I sure enjoy participating, otherwise it's a waste of time.
Try not listening to her.
Like, if you're all having lunch, focus on the food or the dessert menu or a fork. If you're at home, sew a button on an old shirt or something...just whatever, so it's obvious you're mind is elsewhere. Then, when someone says "Swirly?" act like you just regained consciousness and apologize; "Sorry. You were saying?"
horseless carriage
Well-known Member
In any awkward situation I have always resorted to humour. You have to be a quick thinker though. In your shoes I would wait until the lady had run out of steam, then, look at her and say: "Have you shut up? Or have I gone deaf?"
Shalimar
SF VIP
- Location
- Vancouver Island Canada
Pics!
Happy Retiree
Member
- Location
- Canada
You sound like a very nice person. You could say laughingly to her, " Can it, Susan (or whatever the name) my turn to talk."
I have a cousin that is like that. She lived with my mother for a couple of years during her declining days. I love her, but I think it is a sign of a lack of emotional intelligence. People without emotional intelligence don't have the ability to "read the room" and realize they are talking way beyond when others have tuned out.
I never said anything to her, but my elderly mother called her out a quite a few times for never shutting up. She could get away with it. It never changed her behavior.
I never said anything to her, but my elderly mother called her out a quite a few times for never shutting up. She could get away with it. It never changed her behavior.
That's an interesting facet of this woman, actually-- she has a lot of what I'd call almost uncanny "emotional intelligence." But she reminds me of people on cocaine, or what we used to call "Uppers" in college-- she seems to have almost a pressure to talk....
And I should have said, long ago, that if it's one on one, just she and I, she's pretty conscientious about sharing time. It's just when others are around, which is often, since there are three couples involved. I feel really bad for her husband, who probably was able to string a few words together when they first met. Now, if she talks over him, I sometimes say "B. was going to say something" and the poor guy gets almost tongue-tied...
Ronni
Well-known Member
- Location
- Nashville TN
The emotional intelligence thing is interesting.
If I remember correctly there are five aspects to emotional intelligence….self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.
The OP’s friend seems to be lacking at least two aspects—self-regulation and social skills. I guess we could add empathy too if she lacks any sense of how her actions impact another’s feelings.
I mentioned my one friend who’s like this. I have come across many people over the course of my life who just won’t stop talking, and the one commonality I’ve observed is that they lack people to talk to. They either have no partner or are ignored by them, and they have few other social outlets.
The curiosity about this for me is which came first? Do they have too few friends because they talk too much and have driven them away? Or are they compulsively communicating because they’ve never had many friends/loved ones and so they are desperate to be heard by the few they do have?
If I remember correctly there are five aspects to emotional intelligence….self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.
The OP’s friend seems to be lacking at least two aspects—self-regulation and social skills. I guess we could add empathy too if she lacks any sense of how her actions impact another’s feelings.
I mentioned my one friend who’s like this. I have come across many people over the course of my life who just won’t stop talking, and the one commonality I’ve observed is that they lack people to talk to. They either have no partner or are ignored by them, and they have few other social outlets.
The curiosity about this for me is which came first? Do they have too few friends because they talk too much and have driven them away? Or are they compulsively communicating because they’ve never had many friends/loved ones and so they are desperate to be heard by the few they do have?
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Interesting thoughts @Ronni
My handyman/friend is a talker
I'll hire him to run some wire and outlets (a full day's job) and he'll take a break
and come into my shop
and talk
and talk
and talk
Thing is, he'll sometimes loose his place
and I'll tell him where he left off
(I never thought I was listening)
If and when he tells me a story for the umpty umpth time
I'll hold up three fingers
He gets it, we laugh
then
He continues with the story
Hey, he's a friend
I'm deaf in one ear
Could be worse