Decided to (probably mutually) to end friendship

JustBonee said:
A lifelong friend from school days back in Ohio has chosen to end all friendships outside of her immediate family.
She was always engaging, and fun to talk to, even when I moved away.

But a few years ago, her husband died and she closed everyone out of her life. I found that so sad.
Every year on her birthday I think of her... and her birthday is tomorrow.
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What keeps you from sending her a card or making a call?
 

Yes, I'm guilty of mostly having had work friends or parent friends that I rarely see anymore. No family in this area either besides my own children and they have spread out.
I envy people with family/siblings around sometimes as they always have someone who knows them well and they share generations.
However, most of the time I'm content to be a recluse. There's lots of pros to that too so I don't worry too much about it.
 
Disgustedman said:
I go through the same thing about every month with my older sister. She and I meet for breakfast once a month and she will talk about what's going on at her job which I used to work there (Note: do not ever get your relatives working with you, not a good thing)

Issues, problems and others who still work there, but I didn't care about then, and now even less. If we both added something to the meeting, or got some good information or ideas, I'd happily continue it.

But when I relocate for the last time, I won't be divulging where.
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I didn't speak to my older sister for over ten or twelve years, and then she died. In fact, she'd had lung cancer for two years, and my bro wanted to tell me but she told him not to. I was and am still aware of what I could or "should" be feeling under these circumstances, but meditate on it as much as I do, I do not feel guilty or regretful. She had been very emotionally abusive towards me, so I am not sorry to have cut her off. I did love her, esp when we were kids.
 
officerripley said:
I agree and I found that to be the case also with book clubs. In fact, on a bookswap online site, there was a post of somebody complaining about how hard it was to get and keep a face-to-face book club going. So since at that time--not anymore--I was thinking about maybe starting one, I asked the members all about their book clubs, how they started and ran and how long they lasted and the one and only thing that the successful, still existing book clubs had in common was that all or most of the members already knew each other before they even started the club.
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Please don't give up!

When I moved here 25 years ago I asked the library about a book club and they gave me a name to call. I joined one that was made up of a dozen women who all knew each other, mainly retired teachers or librarians, some knew each other from being in the Phi Beta Kappa club. So I, uneducated, lowly bank teller was way out of place, but I loved it from the start because in this club, "It's about the books, man."

Yes, that's all we really need to have in common, it's what we talk about and how we've connected with each other over 25 years. Certain ones have become special friends I go to lunch with as well.

People move or lose interest and leave, new people join, and suddenly you're the one who already knows everybody!

Trust me, they would love a new face with new book ideas and your great personality would make you an instant hit.
 
Della said:
I joined one that was made up of a dozen women who all knew each other, mainly retired teachers or librarians, some knew each other from being in the Phi Beta Kappa club. So I, uneducated, lowly bank teller was way out of place, but I loved it from the start because in this club, "It's about the books, man."
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I joined a book club a little like that, it was all composed of sets of 2 women that were friends before joining the club, so the 2 women would only be friendly with each other. I was also out of place because these were all highly educated, wealthy women. A quote from one, "Last summer one day my husband came home and said 'Honey, I'm bored! Let's go to Europe!' So we did! Giggle, giggle." Sigh. And most of the talking wasn't really about the books, it was more: "You know I've been to Paris many times and I feel this author probably never has been there." And somebody else: "Well! I've also been there many times and I feel the author got it just right!" So they kept one-upping each other.

Or somebody would finally talk about something in the book and another person would say to her one friend in the group, "Oh, this reminds me of that time you and I went to Greece {or wherever}, remember?" And then they'd be talking exclusively to each other while the rest of us sat there. And the 3 or 4 other book clubs I've tried joining were the same way, not as much money but the same kinds of unfriendliness. (You know another person told me once that she thought this was the most unfriendly place she'd ever lived; and she'd lived in both small towns and big cities.)

They finally started a chapter of a Silent Book Club here in Chico; I was thrilled when I heard about it. Their meetings usually are just about the first 20 or 30 min. of discussion about any book they want and then silent reading of whatever book they want for the next hour or so. So it's kind of a nice cross between socializing about books and an introvert's delight, lol. But I no longer drive, they meet on Sundays which is not good for me since I have to have Huzz drive me everywhere and he hates going anywhere on Sundays. And I have a health issue that prevents me from socializing much anyway. But thanks for the nice words about my personality, you're sweet.
 
so many coworkers and friends have come and gone when we had shared so much. i thought we would be friends forever.

i moved to a new town, knowing absolutely no one. i started volunteering in a senior center and made a lot of new connections. my coworkers are wonderful, but they too will fade in time.

i live in an apartment complex and we have started a book club but some of them are already talking of moving. if i am still here, i will ask others to join.

i find message boards like this are fun

i don't mind spending time alone. my sisters are my best friends at this point.
 
JustBonee said:
A lifelong friend from school days back in Ohio has chosen to end all friendships outside of her immediate family.
She was always engaging, and fun to talk to, even when I moved away.

But a few years ago, her husband died and she closed everyone out of her life. I found that so sad.
Every year on her birthday I think of her... and her birthday is tomorrow.
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That is so weird, I would think after her hubby died, she would be reaching to out to friends to do things with now that hubby is no longer around.
 
MACKTEXAS said:
5 months isn't such a long time to be out of touch. Would you be willing to consider another meeting with her once again, and be very open, just as you have with us? If both of you recognize the shortcomings of the friendship, maybe it can be salvaged by finding more in common than just discussing people at work. I don't see how you would have anything to lose by trying.


I understand, but I sometimes force myself out of my comfort zone. Most Sundays, I go out to eat with a group of 3-6 people.. The conversations are usually casual. It's not so much what we talk about, but that we are enjoying some company now and then; sharing bits and pieces of our lives. These Sunday lunches aren't necessarily intended to foster deep friendships, but we are maintaining a human connection, and (for me) it beats becoming reclusive.
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No not really, I prefer to make the effort to meet new people than dealing with her.
 
LoveTulips said:
Yup go for it.
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From the extended to the nuclear? - you could guess the rest and fill in your own spaces. Born in one of the great seaports of UK once - caesarian birth apparently in our front bedroom - lived next door to a pub and my grandparents mothers side. Had six cousins next door to play with - no girls - male dominated and focused. Knew my mothers parents closely - fathers were cold and distant? we learned to be flexible at an early age! - the eldest aunt was a disciplinarian and intervened whether asked or not. But we still enjoyed life just watched our P & Q's - it seemed safe and comfortable for a while and then the cracks started appearing and the family breaking apart?
 
smiley said:
From the extended to the nuclear? - you could guess the rest and fill in your own spaces. Born in one of the great seaports of UK once - caesarian birth apparently in our front bedroom - lived next door to a pub and my grandparents mothers side. Had six cousins next door to play with - no girls - male dominated and focused. Knew my mothers parents closely - fathers were cold and distant? we learned to be flexible at an early age! - the eldest aunt was a disciplinarian and intervened whether asked or not. But we still enjoyed life just watched our P & Q's - it seemed safe and comfortable for a while and then the cracks started appearing and the family breaking apart?
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Thank you for sharing, but I'm not quite understanding what this has to do with keeping friends or not?
 
oh OK - well lost all my old friends from tots to teens and had to nurture new ones elsewhere? and I did but then eventually I personally moved on again so lost those friends and more new ones I needed to cultivate - it never stops unless ya a hermit? do I need to focus on something particular here??
 
well those yes but then started new ones which also got lost along the way - but that's another tale in another stream maybe??
 
LoveTulips said:
That is so weird, I would think after her hubby died, she would be reaching to out to friends to do things with now that hubby is no longer around.
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Nothing weird about that. After my husband died, a friend from school tried to make a connection. After a couple of lunches it became plain that because her husband's brother was hanging around their house too much after his wife died, she was looking to hook him up with me. Ya my husband died a few months ago. I should be ready to date again.

Then my daughter took her life. Former neighbor popped up wanting a friend to go out to lunch and farmer's markets. She tried to make a connection, but I was too traumatized to be there for her. I finally told her I would rather be left alone.
 
My teenage daughter and her teenage girlfriend, whom I didn't know, took it upon themselves to use their school swimming pool one day without my daughter's friend's mother giving her daughter permission. I did not know this. Friend's mother phoned me and expressed her anger at me for going along with it. Dumbfounded, I kept my cool & told her I didn't know. Was sorry.

The girls were harshly chastised. Anyway, that's how I became friends with a woman I didn't know & it became a friendship with someone whom had similar problems & we helped eachother with them (over the phone) for many years. Turned out that we both have a neurological problem that usually keeps us home bound. Then I got a computer with which I messaged others with a disability like mine in a forum, and because back then I did not also have phone service with it,

I couldn't receive phone calls & so she could not contact me when I was on the computer. So missed her morning only calls. I finally got a 2 line service, phone and computer, but by then, she had given up on phoning me. I don't remember why I didn't call her later in the day. I hope to find a way now to get back in contact with her. Being homebound (due to E T) I have no 'personal' friends, but I do feel friendship with forum members--I don't need to meet a person, in person, to feel friendship with them. :)
 
There are some great people in forums that I'm thankful to know, and I consider those people and those friendships very real. But just a reminder, forums can end, WIFI can go down, laptops can act up, or break down. I need at least a few people in my community to have contact with - face to face conversations - even if most of them are best described as just acquaintances.
 

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