Depressive temperament or marriage no longer good for me?

Searcher

Searcher

New Member
I have struggled with dysthymia (ongoing low grade depression) since my teen years. I dated little and had few love relationships due to this, and from being a highly sensitive person who felt overwhelmed by the needs of others. (Also having had a narcissistic, very difficult parent probably set me up for that.) It's a given that someone like me would not have kids for those reasons.

About 30 years ago, I met someone who wanted to marry me, and rather than run from relationships again I wanted to give it a try, even though this person knew I was not especially wild about getting married. He also struggles with hereditary depression, though I didn't know how deeply that went until some years went by. We are also quite different from each other. Our main accomplishment in staying married is learning to live with, respect and grow into better humans with another person. I'm very proud of that and so is he.

So here we are 30 years later, and I'm still feeling challenged by being so different. (Add that we're out of shape, fat, and beginning to have health problems.) We are totally not in sync and rarely are. I'm interested in consistently eating healthy and he never has been. So we eat separately and always have. I'm always ready for walks or adventures and he never is, and almost always has a reason not to go. Most vacations have been taken on my own.

I am always *waiting* for him. He spends a lot of time sleeping, even though he has been treated for depression. (He's retired, I'm not.) He'll go to the doctor at my insistence but doesn't seem interested in taking care of himself well and never has. We enjoy watching TV together and talking at the end of the day and that's about it. Being companions. That is enough for him and he doesn't fret about the rest.

He has been affected by PTSD and had a very difficult upbringing, but has really grown as a person and so have I. That is the greatest gift we have given each other. But I'm just wondering if it's worth it to stay because it's frustrating and difficult being with someone so different for so long. Or whether it's just my ongoing dysthymia making things worse than they are.

Wondering if this is more common than I realize and how others cope. Staying together for security's sake of course is a strategy, but when I am feeling agitated and depressed I just wonder if I've been selling myself short for 30 years despite how we have grown together.

Keep in mind I am a deep thinker, seriously thoughtful and pragmatic...plus very loyal ... so I'm not likely to take well to lighthearted suggestions of kicking someone to the curb. 😊

I am not looking for a different person or some other romantic kind of love and never have. I love and care for him. I think I just may be one of those people who should have stayed single. I'm sure it hasn't felt good to him either for me to want him to do differently all the time, but he says he'd be lost without me.
 

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Searcher said:
I have struggled with dysthymia (ongoing low grade depression) since my teen years. I dated little and had few love relationships due to this, and from being a highly sensitive person who felt overwhelmed by the needs of others. (Also having had a narcissistic, very difficult parent probably set me up for that.) It's a given that someone like me would not have kids for those reasons.

About 30 years ago, I met someone who wanted to marry me, and rather than run from relationships again I wanted to give it a try, even though this person knew I was not especially wild about getting married. He also struggles with hereditary depression, though I didn't know how deeply that went until some years went by. We are also quite different from each other. Our main accomplishment in staying married is learning to live with, respect and grow into better humans with another person. I'm very proud of that and so is he.

So here we are 30 years later, and I'm still feeling challenged by being so different. (Add that we're out of shape, fat, and beginning to have health problems.) We are totally not in sync and rarely are. I'm interested in consistently eating healthy and he never has been. So we eat separately and always have. I'm always ready for walks or adventures and he never is, and almost always has a reason not to go. Most vacations have been taken on my own.

I am always *waiting* for him. He spends a lot of time sleeping, even though he has been treated for depression. (He's retired, I'm not.) He'll go to the doctor at my insistence but doesn't seem interested in taking care of himself well and never has. We enjoy watching TV together and talking at the end of the day and that's about it. Being companions. That is enough for him and he doesn't fret about the rest.

He has been affected by PTSD and had a very difficult upbringing, but has really grown as a person and so have I. That is the greatest gift we have given each other. But I'm just wondering if it's worth it to stay because it's frustrating and difficult being with someone so different for so long. Or whether it's just my ongoing dysthymia making things worse than they are.

Wondering if this is more common than I realize and how others cope. Staying together for security's sake of course is a strategy, but when I am feeling agitated and depressed I just wonder if I've been selling myself short for 30 years despite how we have grown together.

Keep in mind I am a deep thinker, seriously thoughtful and pragmatic...plus very loyal ... so I'm not likely to take well to lighthearted suggestions of kicking someone to the curb. 😊

I am not looking for a different person or some other romantic kind of love and never have. I love and care for him. I think I just may be one of those people who should have stayed single. I'm sure it hasn't felt good to him either for me to want him to do differently all the time, but he says he'd be lost without me.
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The key words in your statement is "should have". Should have, would have, could have are perpetual questions we all have of ourselves and of one another. And, they are unanswerable as well. That is both the allure of them and the agony of them. Wondering what may have been is a perpetual game one plays with one's self when dissatisfied. And, clearly dissatisfied you are.

The struggle of life is to know one's self so that you can make clear decisions for and about yourself. But, as you surely know knowing one's self so clearly well at any given moment is nearly impossible given all the variables about ourselves and in what pushes and pulls on us. Given this, then what you assert or think you know about others in your life is far less than you think you know and even more obscure than what you know of yourself. And thus your relationship to others in respect to yourself is an even a greater unknown.

These are my suggestions. First, stop being so analytical of yourself. You really know little of yourself so who are you to analyze yourself objectively? Second, stop being so analytical of others. Stop having such high confidence in what you only think you know. You know little of yourself so what makes you an expert with respect to others? If you really want to know the truth about yourself (and that is the only one whom you really can know ANYTHING about) then seek counseling to help you discover that and then to help guide you.

Counseling does not stop with just the knowing. On-going guidance is just as important. You've reached out to others here for 'guidance'. That's a fact. But, truly the only one who can guide you is a counselor who objectively knows you well, and who knows you better than you think you know about yourself. ;)
 
@Searcher, I think that your situation is not terribly different than most, I myself can directly relate to your voiced concerns with your spouse. Remember the TV series The Odd Couple? There's always a "Felix Ungar" and an "Oscar Madison" type in a relationship. In my marriage I am Felix Ungar, and it sounds like you are in that roll as well, in your marriage. It's frustrating when you want to take care of your health with healthy eating and physical activity, while your spouse could completely care less.
I speak of myself and my life with the thought that there might be something of use for yours...I have two goals in life: 1. to improve and maintain my inner peace, and 2. to find positive ways in which I can influence my wife to enjoy healthy eating, and lessen the unhealthy, plus inspire my wife to embrace strengthening her body as a 'fun' pastime, rather as a drudge. It's an uphill battle, changing one's own attitudes is difficult, changing someone else's attitudes is not possible, without them wanting to.
 

Robb.hisself said:
The key words in your statement is "should have". Should have, would have, could have are perpetual questions we all have of ourselves and of one another. And, they are unanswerable as well. That is both the allure of them and the agony of them. Wondering what may have been is a perpetual game one plays with one's self when dissatisfied. And, clearly dissatisfied you are.

The struggle of life is to know one's self so that you can make clear decisions for and about yourself. But, as you surely know knowing one's self so clearly well at any given moment is nearly impossible given all the variables about ourselves and in what pushes and pulls on us. Given this, then what you assert or think you know about others in your life is far less than you think you know and even more obscure than what you know of yourself. And thus your relationship to others in respect to yourself is an even a greater unknown.

These are my suggestions. First, stop being so analytical of yourself. You really know little of yourself so who are you to analyze yourself objectively? Second, stop being so analytical of others. Stop having such high confidence in what you only think you know. You know little of yourself so what makes you an expert with respect to others? If you really want to know the truth about yourself (and that is the only one whom you really can know ANYTHING about) then seek counseling to help you discover that and then to help guide you.

Counseling does not stop with just the knowing. On-going guidance is just as important. You've reached out to others here for 'guidance'. That's a fact. But, truly the only one who can guide you is a counselor who objectively knows you well, and who knows you better than you think you know about yourself. ;)
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Rob, thank you. Some wise words in there. I am a lifelong veteran of therapy and counseling, however. I'm talking decades & decades of seeking help to understand and manage a dysthymic temperament. (Not many of those years really helped, frankly, because much of it is medical, and yet medicine is only beginning to figure that out!)

I am also a lifelong casual student of Buddhism and know well the "who are you to think you know anything" questions, which sound harsh but are meant to 'wake you up.' A favorite quote is the one attributed to Socrates, about knowing that I know nothing, and being "the wisest person in the room" because at least I know that - whereas the average person doesn't. :) Many things are hard to get across in one post. It is a danger of online forums because folks want to be helpful, but can't have the full picture.

I may have spilled too many beans for this kind of forum, or it might be the wrong forum for this kind of post. But, I was in a mood to reach out and so I did. :) Thanks for your input.
 
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Nathan said:
@Searcher, I think that your situation is not terribly different than most, I myself can directly relate to your voiced concerns with your spouse. Remember the TV series The Odd Couple? There's always a "Felix Ungar" and an "Oscar Madison" type in a relationship. In my marriage I am Felix Ungar, and it sounds like you are in that roll as well, in your marriage. It's frustrating when you want to take care of your health with healthy eating and physical activity, while your spouse could completely care less.
I speak of myself and my life with the thought that there might be something of use for yours...I have two goals in life: 1. to improve and maintain my inner peace, and 2. to find positive ways in which I can influence my wife to enjoy healthy eating, and lessen the unhealthy, plus inspire my wife to embrace strengthening her body as a 'fun' pastime, rather as a drudge. It's an uphill battle, changing one's own attitudes is difficult, changing someone else's attitudes is not possible, without them wanting to.
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Thank you Nathan! I do remember Oscar and Felix.;) Totally agree with your #1 goal; it's becoming one of mine very fast in these increasingly fretful times. No point in damaging my body further in the time I have left with more stress chemicals than necessary. Do you enjoy any particular kind of exercise? I'm thinking of returning to yoga and strength training, the latter lately affected by some disc degeneration issues that need working with.

As for your #2 goal, I like how you phrased it. I was going to say I've given up on that, but being truthful, I really haven't. I vascillate between letting go entirely, and speaking up in small "educational" but low pressure ways.

I keep thinking of famous couples who were married but lived in separate dwellings: Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera, Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, to name two. Maybe that's the way to go. LOL...
 
@Searcher I think you know what you want and may be looking for someone to go ahead and tell you to move forward and just do it. Your husband sounds more stuck in routine, bad habits and depression than you are so can you fulfill some of your goals and desires on your own? It wouldn't hurt him a bit and just might help you to feel better about yourself.
 
Searcher said:
Thank you Nathan! I do remember Oscar and Felix.;) Totally agree with your #1 goal; it's becoming one of mine very fast in these increasingly fretful times. No point in damaging my body further in the time I have left with more stress chemicals than necessary. Do you enjoy any particular kind of exercise? I'm thinking of returning to yoga and strength training, the latter lately affected by some disc degeneration issues that need working with.

As for your #2 goal, I like how you phrased it. I was going to say I've given up on that, but being truthful, I really haven't. I vascillate between letting go entirely, and speaking up in small "educational" but low pressure ways.
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We have a class for seniors M-W-F called Active aging, my wife does attend- she still doesn't 'like' exercise but she does enjoy the social aspect. I have a Vinyasa Yoga class T-Th(here in a little bit) that I enjoy, is strengthening and settles the mind. I practice and sometimes lead TaiChi classes for physical conditioning and inner strengthening. Physical activity elevates mood, and contributes to better sleep, which help maintain better mood.

As for influencing DW, I'm like you- just trying to be low key...
 
I never got married, I never had kids. So I can't help you on the marriage part. It sounds like however you had a very difficult childhood. I did also and there are others on this board who have. And you may find some who can't get what that does to a developing human.

I don't know what you can do except keep up with your interests. I'm not social but I did finally apply to volunteer at a local cat sanctuary. I talked to the director yesterday and will go over Sunday for a tour. I work part time. I'm not really interested in making friends. My mother ruined that for me, I was very isolated as a child. But it will do me some good to go do something positive and I care about cats.
 
I think very few grow up and later live in perfect circumstances. I also think life is about making the most of what is thrown at you, and my opinion is that you are not doing as bad as you think. I get through what I perceive as an unhappy situation by looking at others who have it worse, and there are plenty of them.
 
Chet said:
I think very few grow up and later live in perfect circumstances. I also think life is about making the most of what is thrown at you, and my opinion is that you are not doing as bad as you think. I get through what I perceive as an unhappy situation by looking at others who have it worse, and there are plenty of them.
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:) Yes, and also remember there may be only a thin line between 'sensitive' and 'self-centered'.
 
chic said:
@Searcher I think you know what you want and may be looking for someone to go ahead and tell you to move forward and just do it. Your husband sounds more stuck in routine, bad habits and depression than you are so can you fulfill some of your goals and desires on your own? It wouldn't hurt him a bit and just might help you to feel better about yourself.
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I wish I did know! I think the biggest issue is being prepared to give up something in order to get something else... perhaps....
 
You mentioned that he is retired and that you are not. Perhaps he needs some motivation, perhaps you could help him find a hobby or interest that could elevate his moods and give him back some self-confidence?
I agree with Nathan that exercise is beneficial for your physical and emotional health and could be beneficial for him too. Perhaps, you could pick up an activity together as well?
I like Remy's idea of volunteering. By doing good, you are not only helping people or animals, but it is a very rewarding experience for you too.
Try to stay positive and surround yourself with positive ideas and people. Find new interests, set goals, discover and occupy your mind with valuable projects that will gear you into a positive state of mind.
These are some ideas, I hope it can help you.
 
Knight said:
Searcher only thought on this is for you to read what you wrote. Then since you are a deep thinker think about what you would advise someone else as if that was written by someone else.

What advice would you offer?
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I would say be really careful that you're just not in another poor mood, pay attention to how you feel when not down. Write down and review the good things. Go ahead and do whatever you want within reasonable limits of shared finances and practicalities (which I do). There's nothing stopping me living my life other than weighing the benefits of long time companionship and caring versus losing it, and limited finances.

I think I wanted to know more if other people were in similar situations. and what they did about it, if anything...
 
Rossana said:
You mentioned that he is retired and that you are not. Perhaps he needs some motivation, perhaps you could help him find a hobby or interest that could elevate his moods and give him back some self-confidence?
I agree with Nathan that exercise is beneficial for your physical and emotional health and could be beneficial for him too. Perhaps, you could pick up an activity together as well?
I like Remy's idea of volunteering. By doing good, you are not only helping people or animals, but it is a very rewarding experience for you too.
Try to stay positive and surround yourself with positive ideas and people. Find new interests, set goals, discover and occupy your mind with valuable projects that will gear you into a positive state of mind.
These are some ideas, I hope it can help you.
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Thanks! He is unfortunately not interested in the wife's suggestions or in changing his rut, which is deeply influenced by his heredity, so it's all about ME doing your suggestions Rossana and Remy! Gotta keep going...😁 thanks for the reminder.
 
Remy said:
I never got married, I never had kids. So I can't help you on the marriage part. It sounds like however you had a very difficult childhood. I did also and there are others on this board who have. And you may find some who can't get what that does to a developing human.

I don't know what you can do except keep up with your interests. I'm not social but I did finally apply to volunteer at a local cat sanctuary. I talked to the director yesterday and will go over Sunday for a tour. I work part time. I'm not really interested in making friends. My mother ruined that for me, I was very isolated as a child. But it will do me some good to go do something positive and I care about cats.
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Remy I had to laugh about your last phrase because it's similar to what I used to say to people when they asked if I had kids. I said "are you kidding? Can barely deal with myself plus I've got a husband and a cat." (Though cats are wonderful.)

You are correct about the difficult childhood, probably the narcissistic parent comment tipped you off. I am looking forward to exploring more of the board since I just joined and I will no doubt run across people's stories about this. What a legacy, huh? Thank you for noticing.
 
gruntlabor said:
:) Yes, and also remember there may be only a thin line between 'sensitive' and 'self-centered'.
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Not sure what this refers to, but folks should be aware that highly sensitive people (HSPs) are actually found to have different neurological setups than others. More mirror neurons, and more of other things that make what comes at at you more overwhelming just because of your physical makeup. Certain mental health disorders also make emotions bigger and felt more deeply. Just putting it out there
 
Searcher said:
Not sure what this refers to, but folks should be aware that highly sensitive people (HSPs) are actually found to have different neurological setups than others. More mirror neurons, and more of other things that make what comes at at you more overwhelming just because of your physical makeup. Certain mental health disorders also make emotions bigger and felt more deeply. Just putting it out there
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:) I guess I meant that neither a sensitive nor a self-centered, inward-looking nature is productive when trying to look outward and deal with others.
 
Searcher said:
Wow ... almost no words for such rudeness Robb. I was describing the general concept of highly sensitive people, which because it's recent research, a lot of people don't know about yet. Somehow you take it be a comment on people in this community? Did you ever stop to think that I was feeling lonely and wanted to join a new resource, swap life stories and help one another regardless of you all being strangers? Why such hostility Robb? I shared very real personal life experience and you mock me? Somehow you took this as a personal insult, and then further insulted me, disguising it as tough love.. it's beyond the pale.

I never thought I would encounter such hostility here, but if your goal is to get rid of a perfectly nice, thoughtful person new to the neighborhood, then sir you should congratulate yourself. This feels like one of the most unsafe spaces I have ever been in online if you are representative of what's here.
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Searcher, please do not give up on us yet. Sf tends to be a very supportive place. For myself, if I find a poster’s comments toxic, I put them on ignore. I think you are a brave and honest person, striving to move forward as best you can. I respect this.
 
Thank you Shalimar, I so appreciate your support. I'm still sitting here in semi shock wondering what I did wrong. If anything, I overshared, but it didn't warrant Rob's out of proportion reaction. Robb, I reported you for your personal attack...just letting you know.
 
Searcher said:
Thank you Shalimar, I so appreciate your support. I'm still sitting here in semi shock wondering what I did wrong. If anything, I overshared, but it didn't warrant Rob's out of proportion reaction. Robb, I reported you for your personal attack...just letting you know.
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You did nothing wrong. I don’t believe you overshared either. I was shocked at Rob’s response. Totally unacceptable, and very cruel. This is not about

what you did or didn’t do. This about someone else’s stuff! By the way, I am also part of the twenty percent of the populace who qualify as very sensitive. I identify as an empath.
 
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Searcher said:
I have struggled with dysthymia (ongoing low grade depression) since my teen years. I dated little and had few love relationships due to this, and from being a highly sensitive person who felt overwhelmed by the needs of others. (Also having had a narcissistic, very difficult parent probably set me up for that.) It's a given that someone like me would not have kids for those reasons.

About 30 years ago, I met someone who wanted to marry me, and rather than run from relationships again I wanted to give it a try, even though this person knew I was not especially wild about getting married. He also struggles with hereditary depression, though I didn't know how deeply that went until some years went by. We are also quite different from each other. Our main accomplishment in staying married is learning to live with, respect and grow into better humans with another person. I'm very proud of that and so is he.

So here we are 30 years later, and I'm still feeling challenged by being so different. (Add that we're out of shape, fat, and beginning to have health problems.) We are totally not in sync and rarely are. I'm interested in consistently eating healthy and he never has been. So we eat separately and always have. I'm always ready for walks or adventures and he never is, and almost always has a reason not to go. Most vacations have been taken on my own.

I am always *waiting* for him. He spends a lot of time sleeping, even though he has been treated for depression. (He's retired, I'm not.) He'll go to the doctor at my insistence but doesn't seem interested in taking care of himself well and never has. We enjoy watching TV together and talking at the end of the day and that's about it. Being companions. That is enough for him and he doesn't fret about the rest.

He has been affected by PTSD and had a very difficult upbringing, but has really grown as a person and so have I. That is the greatest gift we have given each other. But I'm just wondering if it's worth it to stay because it's frustrating and difficult being with someone so different for so long. Or whether it's just my ongoing dysthymia making things worse than they are.

Wondering if this is more common than I realize and how others cope. Staying together for security's sake of course is a strategy, but when I am feeling agitated and depressed I just wonder if I've been selling myself short for 30 years despite how we have grown together.

Keep in mind I am a deep thinker, seriously thoughtful and pragmatic...plus very loyal ... so I'm not likely to take well to lighthearted suggestions of kicking someone to the curb. 😊

I am not looking for a different person or some other romantic kind of love and never have. I love and care for him. I think I just may be one of those people who should have stayed single. I'm sure it hasn't felt good to him either for me to want him to do differently all the time, but he says he'd be lost without me.
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I'm sad to hear you're in such a situation for so long. I does seem like he's holding you down, and you must feel very alone although you are living together. Thirty years is a long time, but no way to change the past. I hope you can find a way to feel more fulfilled and happier moving forward, not sure exactly what that would entail. You have to put yourself first, give yourself more special time, love and try and do what is best for you. My heart goes out to you, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.....hugs. 💙

PS: You should take Shalimar's advice and consider the source, use the Ignore feature for someone like that. He's out of line.
 
Searcher said:
Wow ... almost no words for such rudeness Robb. I was describing the general concept of highly sensitive people, which because it's recent research, a lot of people don't know about yet. Somehow you take it be a comment on people in this community? Did you ever stop to think that I was feeling lonely and wanted to join a new resource, swap life stories and help one another regardless of you all being strangers? Why such hostility Robb? I shared very real personal life experience and you mock me? Somehow you took this as a personal insult, and then further insulted me, disguising it as tough love.. it's beyond the pale.

I never thought I would encounter such hostility here, but if your goal is to get rid of a perfectly nice, thoughtful person new to the neighborhood, then sir you should congratulate yourself. This feels like one of the most unsafe spaces I have ever been in online if you are representative of what's here.
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.
Remember each person's battle with depression is their own battle.That means, you should avoid taking on your partner's mental health as your own burden.
Self care is very important in both cases.

It is good to support each other but there is a fine line between helping and enabling. You can’t fix each other and need outside help…yes... but your approach to SF members is not commendable.

Have no idea why you see fit to report Robb, who did nothing wrong.
I sincerely hope our Moderator takes no notice.
.
 
Shalimar said:
I have no problem believing Searcher is genuine, and I applaud her for reaching out to strangers on sf. Shows courage, and a commitment to her own wellbeing. Opening up to strangers can be much easier than showing

vulnerability to those we know. As a final comment, I would ask you to consider adopting a less confrontational tone when dealing with vulnerable people. It can be very dangerous to their mental health.
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Well said, completely agree.
 
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