Did you grow up with parents who were never affectionate?

My parents showed their affection towards us but were constantly in an alcohol fueled war with each other.

As a result it did skew my thinking about relationships, love, sex, marriage, etc…

When I grew up and was able to view things from an adult point of view things made more sense but it wasn’t a great environment for a child.

I’m sure that every kid has a bag of crap that they drag through life before they are finally able to make peace and let it go.
 
Aunt Bea said:
My parents showed their affection towards us but were constantly in an alcohol fueled war with each other.

As a result it did skew my thinking about relationships, love, sex, marriage, etc…

When I grew up and was able to view things from an adult point of view things made more sense but it wasn’t a great environment for a child.

I’m sure that every kid has a bag of crap that they drag through life before they are finally able to make peace and let it go.
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IF they were able to make peace and let it go...unfortunately the complexities of how our parents shaped us are often never "figured out." Mine were pretty affectionate but dysfunctional in other ways...I can see some of the hangups in myself even now in my old age. I've made peace (mostly) by thinking that they were doing the best they knew how given their own life experiences....but the dysfunction rears its ugly head now and then.
 
Victor said:
Mine were never affectionate at all, never a touch. Only arguments toward everyone. But they appreciated their hard work and resented their kids, who were not grateful enough. It's a long story with nasty consequences.
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One of my favorite poems (yes, I know it's irreverent and probably violates some rule here but I couldn't resist): :devilish:

They "F" you up, your mom and dad
They do not mean to, but they do
They fill you up with faults they had
And add some extra just for you
 
My parents were not what I would call affectionate. I knew they loved me and took care of me but not many displays of affection. They were kind.
I suppose I was the same way with my children. My daughter, however, is very affectionate with her children and we are more affectionate with our grandchildren.
 
hearlady said:
My parents were not what I would call affectionate. I knew they loved me and took care of me but not many displays of affection. They were kind.
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I don't remember great displays of affection. Like hearlady, they were kind, and always available.

eta
I remember a lot of reading & storytelling in bed. My mother read to me for hours every afternoon, and we were lying down together, like my dad at night with his stories. I feel that was affectionate.
 
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Both parents experienced 'The Great Depression' 1st hand. Mother wasn't, but father was hands off & more vocal in his praise or affection. He was more fair than her dealing with his children & others. Mother was oldest & was needed to help raise her 3 sibling brothers. Mother had been uprooted many times & had very little, father was better off & was raised on a farm with 8 siblings.
 
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Dad wasn't outwardly affectionate. However, on my 13th birthday, he took me to a store that sold radios, and let me choose a Sony transistor. Another birthday, he gave me a wrist-watch that was immediately stolen, and one birthday that he gave me a Sheaffer ballpoint pen which was also stolen.

Mom wasn't a hugger, but, she loved when we hugged her. In Japan, growing up, hugging was not part of their culture.
 
Jazzy1 said:
How do you think it’s affected you as an adult?
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No. Especially father. He couldn't stand hugging or being lovable. He would get mad and smack me away from him. Even into adulthood. Mom was a little but not much. My brother was her baby and she fawned all over him all the time.

Yes I do feel it has affected me as an adult. I really needed love and affection and couldn't get it. Now I will hug people if they let me but for the most part I have a stuffed animal I hug when I'm in need.
 
Never affectionate.. the only language they knew was abuse....

The closest my mother ever came to being affectionate to me was to say to me.. ''I feel an extra special way toward you over the others because you were my first born''...

I never got any hugs, nothing from either one of them..one because father was a sadistic bully... and 2 because my mother was raised by Evil nuns from the age of 2.. so I realise as an adult she'd never received love or outward affection and didn't know how to give it...



I hugged my daughter.. I was very careful to give her hugs, and cuddles, and affection, said I love you to her several times a day when she was a child, .. still say it now when we speak.... but I am repressed from giving or receiving hugs from strangers....when I say strangers I mean ( aside from DD ) anyone including my family ..I really dislike it..I freeze...
 
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My parents? Sheesh, I put that to rest a long time ago. When I'm reminded, I forgive them again. They had a lot of stress growing up and saw people die way too early. I forgive them because I know I'd want to be forgiven. May God rest their souls in Heaven as OldOld said.
 
My sister and I used to refer to my mother as "the refrigerator" so that should tell you my story. My dad was a lot nicer but had a hard time showing affection or any other kind of emotion. Like men of his generation.

I was married for 6 years, which ended in divorce. Since then I've had a number of relationships but none stuck. Recently I've come to realize it's mostly my own doing: I push people away. Not only lovers but also friends. This probably comes from total absence of expressed love from parents.

I have to say, I've been very affectionate, physically and otherwise, with my kids.
 
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Liz@120118 said:
One of my favorite poems (yes, I know it's irreverent and probably violates some rule here but I couldn't resist): :devilish:

They "F" you up, your mom and dad
They do not mean to, but they do
They fill you up with faults they had
And add some extra just for you
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When my mom died I found this poem in its entirety (it's much longer) with her stuff. Never knew how to interpret this.
 
fuzzybuddy said:
Both my parents worked hard to provide food, clothing and shelter, so it's not like they did nothing for me. But I can't ever recall being hugged by either. Now, I'm pretty much the same way.
I'm beginning to wonder maybe my parents were the way they were, is because of their genetic makeup- which I now have?
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There's also their own family histories; once I knew my mother's story it all became clear.
 
Mine were dutiful, but don't recall great outpourings of affection - no hugging, kisses or expressions of love. However, I never went hungry and was always well-dressed. After my mom had cardiac bypass in 1991, she became suspicious of everyone and very argumentative. One time she locked me out of the house claiming I was someone "out to get her". I had to endure this for 15 years until she passed in 2006. My dad had a more playful nature. We played a lot of card games and I taught him to play chess after which he was enamored of that pastime. He died relatively young at age 61 in 1983.
 
Strange as it my sound, my parents were very physically affectionate, lots of hugs and kisses, but they were both emotionally abusive, especially my mother, to the point that at least one of my therapists as an adult thought I'd qualify for a diagnosis of posttraumatic stress disorder.

I still have tremendous trust issues because of my mother's unpredictable behavior. At the slightest "blip" in behavior, for lack of a better word, I immediately assume the person is angry with me. At my age I don't think I'll ever eradicate this tendency.
 
Marcy Sheiner said:
When my mom died I found this poem in its entirety (it's much longer) with her stuff. Never knew how to interpret this.
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That's interesting....sounds like she understood where her "hangups/neuroses?" came from ... and perhaps how she had passed them along? It really is just karma - cause and effect....often pretty clear...sometimes complex though and hard to "unpack."

In my older years I've started to see many connections that I didn't notice much before I had the time to "think" .... once I got away from all my "busyness."
 
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Jazzy1 said:
How do you think it’s affected you as an adult?
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Mom never said "I love you" or any of the other indications that she cared. Except at Christmas, you got $40-$100.

Buying our love once a year..... Sure, she cooked, provided, but basic care only. None of us could have any real extracurricular activity, due to lack of funds as she was the only one providing.

I was in the Scouts, but most merit badges were not possible to earn since I had no father and mom often barely covered the bills.

Older sister tried Scouts also, but after 2 years, gave up as she couldn't attend most meetings or gatherings.

I actually felt envious of the boys that attended St. Mary's home for boys. They were or had a chance to be adopted by someone who wanted them.

I distinctly feel that after dad offed himself, Mom was more of "I didn't want this life, but I'm stuck with this" not realizing how much she was hurting everyone.

Again, I forgive her.
 
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